A/N I'm on a one-shot rampage these days. Anyway this is kind of like little tibit about how Bella's feeling during New Moon (only shortly after visiting Jacob for the first time).
You're standing on a precipice.
But that's not the most pressing matter. The most pressing matter is the fact that you haven't jumped yet. Or fallen, or whatever it is that people do when they're standing on a precipice.
And you think that's probably worse, because precipices aren't meant for standing on. They're meant for jumping off, or falling off or whatever.
Perhaps if you jump then everything would be okay. Maybe things just need to climax – reach an extreme point. And then they'll go back to how they used to be before you stood on a precipice wanting to jump or fall.
You want to lose control – you're sick of existing like this. Teetering on an edge and waiting for everything you're feeling to go away.
It won't go away. You're on the precipice with these bloody horrible feelings and they're not going to go away. You have to make that choice. Jump! Fall!
But once you jump you know there's no going back. The way it is now – well it's not preferable – but it's safe. Tolerable.
It's the rationality. That what's gets you. There's only one reason to jump. Him. There are a thousand reasons why you shouldn't.
Yet you're rather be irrational, dead, dying, sick, bruised, fractures, splintered, in pieces, splattered and be with him, than be whole, good, reasonable, rational, sensible, selfless and not be with him.
You know what you want – but you can't get it.
Stretch out, raise your hands, step forward, jump.
Close your eyes, let the wind take you away, fall.
You're frozen. Scared to go forward. When you were younger you watched those extreme shows where everybody jumped off cliffs and it seemed so easy.
Now you're up here you can sense the fear. Taste it as your throat closes up and you panic. Feel it thumping through your body like your warm blood…
Would it be so much worse being dead down there as it is being dead up here? What have you got to lose?
Sanity. Charlie. Jacob. Renee. Complacency. A weak knit of a life that seems determined to unravel at the slightest of disasters. God, even Mike…
You wonder if precipices are where the answers of rhetorical questions go. It certainly seems that way.
What will you gain if you jump?
You feel your breath catch in your throat.
You're standing on a precipice. Funny, you thought you were opening the door to your truck so you could go to school. How can you be standing on a precipice when you're just about to go to school? It's a bit of an anti climax. Why couldn't you make this decision after a fight with Charlie when you're halfway to the airport to return to Renee or when you were breaking down and crying in front of Jacob? Why are you standing on the precipice now?
Because the precipice doesn't wait for the opportune moment. If it did, the decision would be easy and you would have jumped by now. Or fallen. Or whatever it is that people do when they're standing on the edge of a precipice.
You get in your truck and you start it with shaking hands, the familiar roar frightening you but not bringing you out of your trance.
You're still standing on the precipice.
You're not going to jump. You're not going to fall. You're not even going to do whatever else it is that people do when they're standing on a precipice.
You're going to go to school, talk to Jess in trig, complain about homework with Angela, reject Mike, fall over in gym, help Jacob on the bikes, cook dinner for Charlie and then go to bed and wish you'd never been born.
You won't lose anything.
You're going to be rational.
You're going to keep standing on the precipice.
Reviews would be greatly appreciated :)