A/N:Yes, I know, retardedly late update, for that I'm sorry but this summer has been extremely hectic for me, I got half my stuff stolen and NOW I just got my cell phone stolen, my grandfather died, I just came from having pink eye and one hundred other stuff going on.
News on my contest is IN the chapter, so read. xD
Also I highly recommend re-reading chapter four or some stuff won't make sense.
"Again, this is indeed a wonderful story…" she said, stretching. "…but where's the issue?"
Tenten started to cry.
"Here were go again…" said Neji rolling his eyes.
"I think…I think…" started Tenten, sobbing.
"Go on." encouraged Temari, patting Tenten on the back.
"I think…" started Tenten again. "…Neji's cheating on me!"
"With who?" asked Temari, confused.
"Neji! Back me up! Or are you just gonna bail with Sasuke like you did in Chapter 1 and play DDR?!" yelled Tenten. Neji rolled his eyes and sighed.
"…Believe me, if that was an option I would…"
"There's no need in bring Byakugan boy in this!" exclaimed Ino. "This is between you and me, and how you think you can talk to anyone, including my fiancé, any which way!"
"Just a quick question here…" intervened Neji, frowning. "…why can't you people just call me by my…oh I don't know…my given name! Not Orochimaru's bitch, not Byakugan boy, but NEJI. NEJI HYUUGA…"
But sadly Byaku…Neji was ignored.
"I can talk to anyone how ever I want to!" shouted Tenten to Ino. "This is a free village. And none of you're half-brain blonde arguments are going to change my mind! …unless you do that shitty mind-transfer jutsu on me--"
"Shintenshin no Jut--"
"HEY! Break it up ladies!…the five o'clock news is coming on!" yelled Sasuke pointing to the T.V. He turned the volume up.
"Hello citizens of Konoha. I'm JayleeJ of Wavy News Crew 10. Our first story is about the recent victory in enemy Sound Village. We've just received word that Orochimaru's base had been infiltrated. Be sure to congradulate our tired soldiers on their way back home for a job well--"
"Fuck…" cursed Orochimaru, standing abruptly out of Deidara's chair. "Damn Kabuto can't handle shit with out me. I gotta go, Itachi, just put the hair bill on my tab...see you guys later…"
"See you." said Itachi. Everyone else just murmmered their goodbyes and Sasuke turned the volume up again.
"…Even though the rain village is now unable to receive rain, the clouds overhead still remain dark. The new name of the village is The Hidden Village of Overcast…"
"Haha, that's pretty gay.." commented Kiba. Everyone shushed him and returned their stares to the T.V.
"In recent news, the Taco Bell that was once havoked by killer puppets, is now in back in business--" Gaara and Kankuro looked away guiltily. "--also, they have a new entrée called the Neato Burrito, a burrito packed with three different kinds of cheeses and meats. A new meal for Taco Bell's new beginning. Go try it!"
"That does sound pretty neat." commented Sasuke off-handedly. Almost evereyone nodded in agreement.
"Hey!" excalimed Kiba. "Why don't you guys shush him?!"
"Shut up. We like Sasuke."
"….the new pop sensation 'Sound Five' and their upcoming concert in Konoha Hall. Many teenagers are indeed excited. Let's go to Shizune for the inside story…" The camera switched views.
"Thanks Jay. " Shizune put Tonton down. "Yes, here in Konoha Hall, teenagers from all across the village are arriving for the concert, which doesn't start for another four hours. Talk about getting ahead of the game!"
"Oh, I love that band!" said Kiba.
"Kiba, were trying to hear!" said whispred Ino harshly. Kiba rolled his eyes
"It's just the news…geez…" He returned his attention back to the television.
Jaylee laughed automatically. "Yes yes…kids these days…Anyways, in other news, a battle of epic proportions went down this afternoon at the Akatsuki, a popular salon in downtown Konoha. Two of the hidden leafs most elite ninja Sasuke Uchiha and Neji Hyuuga were took part in a rap-battle against a vacuum cleaner named Vroomer 2.0. The spectators votes have been brought to the station and tallied. The votes were very very close. But the winner--"
"Damn, I wonder who won…" interrupted Kiba.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP DOG BRAIN!"
"YELLING WONT MAKING YOU HEAR ANY BETTER INO!"
"…by a small margin, 49 votes to 52, is Vroomer 2.0. Congratulations Voomer, you deserve it!"
Vroomer, who no one knew was still in the shop came from a corner and vacuumed up all the hair off the salon floor in glee. Sasuke cured violently while Neji looked like he could care less.
"Sucks…" mummored Neji, yawning. "But I guess you can't win em all…"
"Sasuke you are indeed a failure as a brother--"
"SHUT THE HELL UP ITACHI!"
"In other news…" continued Jaylee, looking at her papers. "My 'Think Outside The Bun Contest' is coming to a close. If you don't see your entry on my profile, please PM me again. I am giving everyone one week from this update for readers to at least tell me they are going to enter. After that, entry closes and judging will begin. The prizes haven't been decided yet. Any questions, please feel free to PM me. Thanks a lot to all 9 people who's entered so far!"
"Okay…" said Sasuke, turning off the TV. "Moving on...Ino…what the hell are you doing?" Ino ignored Sasuke and continued to stare at the orange juice bottle on the table. Itachi moved behind her and placed a hand on his finacee's shoulder.
"Honey, what're you doing?"
"What?" asked Sasuke, perplexed. "Instructions?" Ino nodded.
"The orange juice box…says…concentrate…must…comply…"
"Concen--oh." Itachi promptly removed the orange juice carton and threw it in the trash.
"Hey!" exclaimed Ino, pouting. "Can't you see I was concentrating on that!?"
Itachi sighed. "Ino 'concenrate' is refering to the nature of the juice in the carton, not instruction to actually do so…"
Sasuke took out the piece of paper with the happy and sad faces and shook his head, while Shino walked to a shelf wih green bowls and picked one up.
"Itachi…?" Itachi looked up from his work.
Shino picked up another bowl. "What are these for?"
"The bowls?" Itachi chuckled "...Those are for Rock Lee and Gai's haircuts."
"Really?" inquired Tenten "…Where are they anyways?"
"Probably training." supplied Neji. "Where Haruno, Naruto, Shikamaru and Choji are, I have no idea."
"I don't know where Forehead and Uzumaki are." said Ino. "Naruto especially needs to be home since he's the Hokage. However, I know Shikamaru and Choji are doing some troublesome toaster shopping with Miss Nara-san."
Hinata yawned. "Naruto? He does this all the time." she said, shrugging. "He'll disappear for a couple days at a time, doing whatever pointless thing he deems nessecary. Last time it was a experiment to make a ghost a mammal, so who knows what it is this time. And I think Sakura probably got assigned a mission."
"Mission my ass." said Kiba. "I bet their off screwing each other, mark my words." Sasuke snorted.
"My bitch knows better." Every woman proceded to glare at Sasuke while he just rolled his eyes.
"Hey, don't get mad at me. It's tru--"
"Fuck!" said Neji, slipping and falling to the floor ungracefully. He cursed again. "Where the hell did this bowl of salad come from?"
"Ooops." said Tenten, helping her husband up. "I put my salad on the floor for a moment so I wouldn't have to hold it." Once Neji got to his feet, Tenten gingerly manuvered her hands on Neji's back. He winced.
"Neji, I need for you to take off your shirt." Neji spared his a wife a glance.
"I need to see if there's a bruise on your back." explained Tenten, cleaning the salad. "Come on."
Neji sighed and did as he was told. On the both smalls of his back were two ugly-looking black and blue spots.
"I thought so." said Tenten, still examining Neji's back. "Go in the bathroom and wet a few paper towels with hot water."
"Neji-Roger-Edmund-Hyuuga--you go in that bathroom right now!"
". . ."
". . ."
Neji pouted. "Fine--"
Sasuke and Kiba exchanged glances.
"I guess we know who wears the pants in your relationship Hyuuga." said Sasuke smirking.
Kiba pointed rudely. "Dude, she has you whipped! Is Tenten your wife or your mom?" They started to laugh while Neji scowled.
"Go fuck yourselves." he spat. "Better yet, go fuck each other." Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"Whatever man. At least I can controll my bit--" Hinata turned her byagukan on and glared, while Tenten twirled her kunai maliciously. "--my wife."
"At any rate, you have to wait, Hyuuga." said Gaara, fixing his eyeliner in the mirror. "Vroomer is using the bathroom."
Neji snorted."Whatever. All I need to use is the sink for a moment…not like he's an actual person with genitals…" Neji proceded to to back of the salon, while Sasuke shyly approached his older brother.
"Itachi…since me and Neji...um…yeah…does that mean we don't get DDR Supernova 2?" he asked, his head hanging low. Itachi smirked.
"Since you lost miserably againt a vaccum cleaner, no, you do not little brother. Neither does the Hyuu--" A loud groan came from the bathroom.
"What's going on back there…" asked Kisame to Deidara. More groaning and loud noises came.
OoxoO.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-...In The Bathroom….-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-OoxoO
"OKAY! I'm sorry for walking in on you! JUST STOP ATTACKING ME!" shouted Neji.
'You don't walk in on your friends do you?! Why should I be any different you gay bitch--!"
OoxoO.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-...In The Salon….-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-OoxoO
"I'll go back there…" grumbled Tenten. She proceded towards the bathroom and opened the door.
On the floor was Neji with Vroomer on top of him. All over his body were red blotchy marks.
"It's not what it looks like Tenten!" yelled Neji.
"Then what is it!?" yelled Tenten. "Because from up here it looks like there's about 20 hickies all over you!…"
Tenten ran out of the bathroom and out of the salon. Sasuke watched her hysterical escape and went to the bathroom himself.
"What's going on--are those hickies on your back Neji? What the fuck? Just what the hell were you doing back here?"
"No you fucktard," spat Neji, getting up "…but Tenten seemed to think so. Gaara, contorl your fucking electronics!"
"Did I or did I not warn you?"
Sasuke laughed. "Good luck with that. Well…I'll just leave you and you lover alone.--"
Sasuke laughed again.
"And I'M the emo?"
"Hmm.." said Itachi to Deidara. "I think it's closing time."
"Okay…disregarding the fact that this is indeed strangest case I've ever had, I should have a solution for you in a day. Please, Tenten, don't kill Neji in the meantime, this is just a misunderstanding. Really, do you think Neji would cheat on you with a vacuum cleaner?"
"N-no…" hiccuped Tenten, wiping her eyes.
"Right." said Temari. "However, there are some other problems that need to be addressed, and I will do so tomorrow."
"Okay." said Neji, standing up. "See you later Temari-san." Neji and Tenten took their leave.
About five mintues later, there was another knock on the door.
"GO AWAY GARRA!"
"Oh, sorry, please, come in." said Temari, praying it wasn't her boss.
The door opened and in walked Ino and Itachi hand and hand.
"This is a pleasant surprise. I don't think you two have an appointment…"
"I know." said Itachi sitting down. "But we have an emergency. Me and Ino…"
"--want to get married but can't cause you need Sasuke's permission." finished Temari, smirking.
Itachi raised his eyebrows. "Your reputation indeed follows you."
Temari laughed. "No, Neji and Tenten Hyuuga already told me about the story. …but what can I do?"
"Well, as you probably already heard, the chances of Sasuke letting me and Ino wed are very slim. We need a solution."
"Please help us Teamri-san." pleaded Ino. "Me and Itachi love each other very much. He loves me even though I'm not really all the smart and helps me understand the world. I love him even though he's a mass murderer and I make his red and black world a little happier. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with." said Ino.
"Awwww." cooed Temari. "I'll try. Umm…Ino, have you tried your Mind-Switching jutsu and MAKE Sasuke let you wed?"
"Tried it." said Itachi. "Though my brother is a fool, he is also a skillful ninja. He forced Ino out of his head in mere seconds."
"Darn." said Temari, scrathing her head. "Well… if you love each other enough…why don't you run away?"
"Run away?" repeated Ino, frowning. "Where to? And Itachi just can't leave his salon!--"
"If I have to, I will." said Itachi firmly. "I can always start a new one. I'm sure Deidara, Kisame and Tobi will come with us wherever we go and help me create a better one."
"Then…maybe that's the only option…but where?"
Temari smiled. "I heard the Hidden Village of Overcast is pretty nice this year…"
One Day Later.
The Uchiha's, The Uzumaki's and the Hyuuga's all entered Temari's office and sat down.
"What is the meaning of this?" asked Sasuke, frowning. "When you told me and Sakura to come back here 'in a few days' I was under the impression we would be here alone."
"Yeah, I aborted my mission for this!" said Sakura, frowning.
"I agree." said Neji. Tenten nodded.
"Yeah, what's the deal Temari-san?" asked Naruto scratching his head. "I didn't come back home early from my Jelleguin convention for a session shared with other people." Hinata frowned.
"Yeah." said Naruto. "It's a convention dedicated to the crossbreeding between jellyfish and penguins. It was very--"
"I thought I told you no more jellyfish business!"
"Yeah, I know..." said Naruto sulking. "But this is Jelleguin business, not jellyfish business!"
"But it's something I enjoy Hinata! Please don't take this convention away from me. …I was having such a good time…"said Naruo wistfully. Sasuke snorted.
"Yeah, I'm sure all four of you had a fantastic time fuckng with nature, but no one cares--"
"For your information bastard, there were six of there not four, next year I bet a whole 'nother two people will come! Believe it!" said Naruto standing up. Sasuke shook his head.
"Jellyfish and Penguins? Who the hell is even interested in unnatural stuff like that except a weirdo like you?"
"Unnatural? You wanna know what's unnatural? Your hair that's what!" insulted Naruto, smirking at his 'clever' comeback.
"Your breath is unnatural." countered Sasuke. "Jeez dobe, lets keep the 'five feet minimum' rule alive, hmm?"
"ENOUGH!" said Temari, standing up. "I did not call you all here to fight. You're all here for a solution. Do you want to hear it or not? The sooner we get this out of the way, the sooner I--I mean you all can get back to life. Okay?" Naruto sent one last glare to Sasuke and sat back down.
"Okay. Good." Temari shuffled her papers and cleared her throat.
"After careful deliberation of each scnario you each presented me, I have figured out the problem for all of you, which happens to be the exact same…"
"So…what is it?" asked Hinata.
"Everything is simply Tenten's fault."
Everyone in the room gasped.
"WHAT?!" exclaimed Tenten, standing up.
Sakura shook her head. "I knew it was that bitch's fault--"
Tenten glared venomously. "I am NOT in the mood for your shit Haruro." she hissed, opening her weapons pouch. "One more crack like that and I will impale your neck with a rusty kunai--"
"Calm down!" said Temari. "Let me at least explain." Tenten paused and sat down, crossing her arms. Temari continued.
"I went over each case over and over again and found one common denominator. Besides the fact that each of you have almost no respect for each other, I also found something else in each case."
"What?" asked Neji.
"Your wife's salad. I support your theory that the salad is evil Neji." There was a long slience.
"We told you bitches. WE TOLD YOU!" said Sasuke, pointing dramatically. "But nooooo.' Me and Neji are stupid.' 'Me and Neji are paranoid.' Sound familiar? WHAT NOW, HUH?! We said that shit was demonic but everyone looked a us like we were the result of incest or something!"
"Now wait just a darn minute." said Naruto frowning. "I didn't pay you to tell me that me and my wifes issues are the result of a salad! How retarded do you think we are?"
"First of all--" said Temari. "You never paid me at all Naruto. How could I charge the Hokage?"
"Oh right, I forgot…"
"Second of all, would you all please just let me explain?!" Everyone simmered down for her to continue.
"If you think about it, bad things didn't start to happen until the salad came in to play…"
"What?" said Sasuke.
"Well accorrding to my notes, which are correct, what I say is true." stated Temari. "For example, you and Sakura…"
Flashback numero uno.
"Guys! It's time to come eat!" yelled Sakura from the kitchen. The prodigies came from the family room and sat down with their wives. Sakura passed the bowl around.
"Wow Sakura! You made this really well…except you forgot the salt. But no biggie, it's a common mistake…" said Tenten, eating.
"Well, you never wrote down 'salt' on the recipe, so I didn't add it…"
"Haha. How could I forget my own recipe! You probably just over looked it."
"No you just didn't add it." said Sakura irritably.
"Oh Haruno calm down, stop being so childish…"
"Childish? You know what's childish? Your husband cheating my Sasuke just now! He was totally using the Byagukan on those 10-footers!" exclaimed Sakura, her bad mood surfacing further. Tenten rolled her eyes.
"Oh PLEASE! Sasuke was using the Sharingan the WHOLE TIME!--"
"OMG, she's right…after that we started to fight!" said Sakura.
Naruto's eye's widened. "And for us too Hinata-chan! Remember…"
"No more junk! Naruto and Tamaki-kun will be here soon and dinner is almost ready. You guys like salad right? It's a recipe from Tenten I'm making--"
"No!" cried Neji and Sasuke simultaneously. Hinata frowned while Sasuke provided an explanation.
"That salad is evil. I swear on all lollipops sacred that that salad is only a recipe for disaster, nothing more." he said, looking around frantically.
"Indeed. It made Sakura and my wife, Tenten, fight just two days ago."
"It gave me a tummy ache!"
"It killed my first born!" called Neji. Sasuke and Hinata looked at him incredulously.
"WHAT! How can a salad kill a child?" the heiress asked.
"Well…alright, it didn't, but that salad is still a demon sent from hell. Uchiha…We must dispose of it." Sasuke nodded in agreement.
"And then later we ate the salad Hinata! It is true!" exclaimed Naruto.
"So…there isn't anything wrong with our marriages? Shit happened because of a stupid salad?" inquired Hinata.
"No, but I think it was a big part of the quarrelling. Like I said, each of you has a hard time respecting your significant other, and I sense a few trust issues. However that isn't uncommon for any married couple and you shouldn't worry about it unless it becomes a big problem…"
"So…what do we do now?" asked Sakura. "Do we just live a life without Tenten's salad and everything will go back to normal?"
"Yes, I think so." said Temari. "Just don't eat it."
"Wow…that's pretty gay. Who would have thought…" said Sakura. "Neji, Sasuke, I'm sorry for not believing you…"
"Yeah, me too." said Hinata sheepishly. "I apologize." Neji gave them a faint smile.
"We accept your apology Hinata-sama. You too Sakura."
"Yeah…don't even worry about it…" said Sasuke.
"Thanks for all your help, Temari-san. From all of us." said Sakura.
"Yeah, thanks for everything." Hinata smiled while all of the boys nodded in agreement.
"So…" said Naruto. "I guess were about done here. You all wanna go out for tacos? That Neato Burrito sounds pretty good right about now…"
"Sounds good to me." said Neji. "Tenten's treat since this is all her fault anyways."
"Fine…" grumbled Tenten, exiting with everyone else. "But technically this is the salad's fault, not mine…"
"Have a nice time!" called Temari. She got up to close the door, glad the crazy ordeal was over.
"Only one more thing left to do…" She got out a scroll and some ink.
Dear Itachi and Ino Uchiha
There was a sudden knock on the door.
The door opened slowly with a tired looking Kakashi and a rather peeved looking Anko.
"Hello." said Temari smiling. "Welcome to Counseling of the--ew, what's that smell? Are you eating something Anko-san? I don't really allow food in here."
"What? Oh this?" She held up a plastic container. "It's just this cool salad Tenten made for me a while back. Want some?"
"Ino. We have mail." stated Itachi. Ino's eyebrows raised.
"But no one knows where we live except…"
"Temari." finished Itachi. "It came from Suna so it's probably from her."
"Oooh! Our first piece of mail as a married couple! How wonderful! Open it Itachi!"
Dear Itachi and Ino Uchiha.
How are things? I hope your first day as a couple is happy. Anyways, Ino I know you probably have Tenten's salad recipe…
BURN IT IMMEDIATLEY AND NEVER EVER EAT IT AGAIN!
…That is all.
Temari of the Sand.
"So…how are the couples doing Jaylee?"
Sasuke and Sakura later had three more children, and repainted their house a proper color. Sasuke still plays DDR with Neji on Saturday's and Sakura became a stay-at-home mom.
Naruto and Hinata didn't have anymore children. Hinata quit her job as a kunoichi as well and became a chef. Tamaki became a Pokemon Master and has a degree in Marine Biology.
Neji and Tenten got divorced two weeks after their session with Temari. Cause let's face it, even without the salad, their marriage was crap to begin with.
Itachi and Ino had a little girl named Mikoto. When she turned 13, she proceeded to kill everyone in the Village of Overcast, now called the Overcast Massacre. Itachi and Ino are extremely proud. Itachi owns the largest and most popular salon chain in all shinobi nations called "The Red Cloud"
Vroomer 2.0 met up with a Washer Machine and had two beautiful baby blenders who are rap stars.
"Come in!" said Temari. In walked Gaara with something unidentifiable behind him.
"Hello sister. I have a problem…" A half-dead black and white jelly-looking creature waddled from behind Gaara. Temari threw-up.
"What the heck is that?!" she asked, wiping her mouth. Gaara smiled.
"He's a Jelleguin! I've named him Edgar. I found him at this abandoned lab yesterday and we've been BFF's ever since! However, he seems to explosive diarrhea problems and--"
Temari sighed and left her office, leaving a very confused Gaara in her wake.
"Temari! Where are you going? I need helllllppp! Don't you care about Edgar?"
"No!" called Temari from the elevator. "Go get someone else to help you with your weird shit. My shift is over!"
So! That's the end folks. I really hoped you liked this story! The only reason I kept it going was because of the great postive response I got from you all. Thanks alot!
Also, like I said, my contest is coming to a close. After this update, it will be open for one week, and then closed for judging. The winnners should be anounced early October.
I have another short 4 chaptered story planned, so stay tuned!
minxtrain..where are you?. xD