In which Sasuke thinks strongly of alcohol and bleach, Naruto is utterly clueless and Sakura and KAkashi are shooting too many covert glances out of the corner of their eyes and over their little orange books. Ahem.
This is essentially crackfic. But I digress, it was fun to write, so there. Also, I like Sasuke's point of view. There's so much in his head that is fun and interesting. And scary. Mustn't forget the scary. Now, remember: this has no real plot or purpose. It is a fun one-shot. I won't add another or a sequel unless the urge takes me.
Ages are about 20ish for Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto. Kakashi is 34ish. Yeah.
To get to the village, one must hike through approximately 5 or 6 days of forest. In Uchiha Sasuke's opinion, it was 4 to 5 days too many. For starters, their third tent had been destroyed when Naruto had accidentally shredded it six hours in. So he was forced to share a tent with Naruto. He was choosing to overlook the fact that he would have had to share with Naruto anyway, but Sasuke was convinced that he could have bribed Sakura to share with Naruto. Or Kakashi to share with Naruto. Or he could stay with Sakura. Or something.
But no, he was stuck with Naruto sleeping less than a foot away from him, snoring loud enough to alert anyone to their presence (at least until he'd stuffed a sock in Naruto's mouth, making sure that he could still breathe somewhat- he wasn't that heartless, although he liked to pretend occasionally- to muffle the noise.)
It wasn't that Sasuke wasn't friends with Naruto. They were very good drinking buddies. There was many a morning where he had woken up on Naruto's couch and there was also one rather memorable morning when Naruto had woken up on his couch with a sock in his mouth. It was a good thing he'd gotten a picture of that. And promptly circulated it throughout their circle of friends.
Bored, Sasuke glanced at Sakura. She was sneaking covert glances at something. The tree? No. Although he noticed it was a nice tree. Very leafy and a nice shade of green at that.
Sasuke gave himself a mental head slap Sakura-style to really rattle his brain back to normal and looked at the aforementioned girl with narrowed eyes. She wasn't looking at the tree or any other greenery or flora. Although that red maple was quite lovely, delicate and wistful, but strong.
Maybe, Sasuke thought, he should get a window box and grow something. Or get a couple of bonsai trees. These gardening thoughts had been going on for ages and were getting ridiculous. More than that, actually. They were bordering on the completely absurd.
And then, he realized exactly what, or to be more precise, exactly who Sakura was staring at. It wasn't none other than Hatake Kakashi himself.
"Blurgh!" he sputtered out. That was really… "Ew!"
Ah, there it is.
Naruto glanced at him with concern.
"Sasuke?" the brat said. "Are you okay? Have you… have you finally lost it? Again?"
"I'm fine," he replied sharply. "Absolutely bloody shiny."
Naruto nodded, confused and worried. Sakura realized what Sasuke must have been doing with all of those little covert glances towards her covert glances at Kakashi (who was of course glancing covertly back) and started looking thunderous, which scared Sasuke and Naruto, the latter of whom put his arms over his head to protect from the incoming blow. He had no clues to what he might have done to Sakura yet far but still, better to not risk it.
And Kakashi lowered Icha Icha a fraction of an inch, looked exceptionally bored, and raised it again.
And then he winked at Sakura.
And Sasuke choked on his own saliva.
Now, one must understand that this sort of thing simply does not happen to the Last of the Uchihas. This had not happened to the Last of the Uchihas since the Last of the Uchihas had witnessed Orochimaru wondering aloud in Sasuke's earshot if he could get certain underage Sound ninja to form a foursome with him. And that time, Sasuke had run away screaming at the top of his lungs and covering his ears to prevent from hearing anything else.
He could handle a lot but that had just been too too much.
He was brought back to earth by Sakura whacking him painfully on the back.
"Alright, Sasuke?" She inquired evilly. "I would think something like choking on your own spit wouldn't happen to you."
He supposed that she most likely was still mad at him for stealing her bra and putting it on Naruto along with a healthy potion of her makeup last night while everyone else slept. He had also failed to notice then, Sasuke realized, that Kakashi and Sakura had been sleeping together in the same sleeping bag.
He needed to pour bleach on his brain. Or get very, very drunk. And soon.
"Sakura," he said.
"Yes?" she asked. And then she winked at Kakashi with a decidedly come-hither look in her green eyes.
In his mind, Sasuke was curled up in the fetal position sobbing. First his favorite black pants had been ripped. And now this. He'd long to be Naruto, meandering happily along. Wait, no… ooh, that must have hurt like hell. Of course Naruto had walked straight into a tree branch. The idiot. Of course.
Naruto's idiocy and injury brought his mind off of the winks temporarily. Until later that night.
"It won't fit, Kakashi-san, it's far too big!"
Upon hearing this, Sasuke's little-exercised "must protect Sakura from creepy much older ex-sensei and current teammate" instinct kicked in, based on the earlier events of the afternoon and he ran over to the source of the noise, more accurately Sakura's voice.
And found Kakashi and Sakura moaning energetically…
…at the wreck of their collapsed tent on the ground. The peg for the tent was apparently too large for the hole dug for it. Sasuke ran about two feet over to the nearest tree and started banging his head against it to strange looks from the other two ninja. Two minutes later, he very calmly went to untangle Naruto from their tent in the hopes it would stay semi inhabitable. Or not, considering that a while later he had to patcha huge hole in the side of it..
Sakura and Kakashi did sleep in the same sleeping bag that night, although Sasuke chose the blissful oblivion of being passed out from all the sake he and Naruto had consumed after getting the tent up two hours later.
The other two in their cell had settled in comfortably an hour and a half before that.
Sasuke had some creative curses, which had brought out the sake. And the shots.
And the next morning Sakura had, in all of her infinite wisdom, decided to forgo helping them out with her healing skills. He could swear that he saw Kakashi sniggering behind his little stupid bright orange Icha Icha. As a result, Naruto was hungover, Sasuke was pissed and hungover and Sakura and Kakashi were annoyingly cheerful for reasons that Sasuke suspected but didn't want to voice and Naruto was just really annoyed by the cheerfulness emanating from them.
Day 4 was not turning out pleasantly.
It was after Sasuke was sure that he saw Kakashi, under the pretense of holding back a low-hanging tree branch actually touch the outer part of Sakura's breast that he almost snapped.
But he didn't snap. He merely settled for putting a very bitter, foul-tasting herb in their soup (it was his turn to make dinner since Naruto could only cook ramen) instead.
Besides, Sasuke reasoned with himself. Kakashi had most likely touched much, much more of Sakura over the last… while, and she had most likely touched just as much of him. And he really, really, really didn't want to think about that overmuch. Goddammit, where was the bleach?
Sasuke realized that Sakura was looking at him in that way. The one look that said his face showed that he must be losing it. Sasuke sighed, took some deep, calming breaths and tried to engage Naruto in semi-intelligent conversation.
"How many shots did you drink?"
"I dunno, maybe… 18 plus the sake?"
"24 plus the sake."
"Is there anything left?"
Their other two teammates were ignoring them with the air of having a lot of practice at it. Sakura was intensely studying the forest path. And Kakashi, of course, was reading.
Sasuke hated hangovers, especially when he had to think when he was hungover. And when he had to think and ignore all of those little glances…! Ouch. He shook his head back and forth, which of course made it ache more.
That night, Naruto insisted that they play drinking games. After Kakashi had tripped and his book had almost fallen into the river and Sakura got a thorn in their have, everyone kind of wanted to get drunk.
After all, they didn't need to be sober for a few more days.
Sasuke clutched his drink.
"Never have I ever," he paused. "Never have I ever kissed a guy."
Sakura shrugged and drank. Kakashi scowled at Sasuke and drank. Sakura laughed at him. "Care to explain?" she asked. Kakashi grinned.
"I kissed Gai on the cheek once," he said. "It was the only way to get away without being blinded." They erupt into peals of laughter and it's Naruto's turn.
"I have never," he said, "eaten less than three bowls of ramen in a week."
"I have never," Kakashi said, "kissed Sasuke. Thank God."
Sakura drank. Sasuke drank, remembering the time his kissed his own reflection to see whether this was something he was interested in. (He wasn't.) Naruto drank.
Sakura decided to see how drunk she can get the boys. "I have never," she said, "been male."
"That's cheating," Kakashi calmly informed her. "Drink up," she replied blandly. And then she winked at him again, although no one else saw it this time.
It's Sasuke's turn again. "Never have I ever cheated like that." Naruto, Kakashi, and Sakura drank. Sasuke blinked. "Oh, cheaters, all of you."
Naruto apparently had a bright idea. "I've never kissed Sakura!" he announced. Sakura muttered "thank god for that," under her breath so that Naruto wouldn't hear her and he doesn't.
I knew it! Sasuke mentally congratulated himself. It was ick, but he was right. As always.
Naruto freaked out.
And Kakashi and Sakura quietly left for their tent, leaving Sasuke to clean up the mess.
Those bastards, he thought.
And also, where the hell was the vodka?