"Princess," Shego murmured as Kim descended from the ceiling air duct and landed on her feet. The mercenary ignited her hands and prepared to go on the offensive.
Kimmie, however, didn't react like she normally did. She stood there, placed her hands on her hips, and stared at her with this impossibly, insufferably smug look on her face. As if she was waiting for Shego to say something.
Which she did. "Gee, looks like somebody got laid last night," Shego sneered.
Whatever Kimmie had been expecting, that certainly wasn't it. Color exploded in her cheeks and the smile was wiped from her face. "Geez, no! Are you – NO!"
"I always figured you for a prude," Shego laughed as she engaged the oh-so-innocent heroine.
A few punches were blocked before Kim finally responded. "So you've got nothing else to say to me?"
"Should I, Pumpkin?"
Kim seemed oddly disappointed. Shego was fine with that. Eventually she left Kim on her back and escaped into the darkness, with Drakken's great whatsit in her hand. Whatever Kim had had on her mind, Shego thought nothing more of it.
Two days later, Shego was checking her e-mail on the In-Terror-Net when she saw one with the subject heading "Seriously?" She groaned. She didn't need to identify the sender to know it was from Dr. D's pathetic cousin Ed. In a perfect world she'd block his ass with her spam filter, but Ed was the only other person in the world who had seen her in that mortifying, ridiculous outfit earlier in the year. The hairstyle, the big hoop earrings, the jangly bracelets, those tacky pants . . . Shego shuddered at the thought of Ed spreading stories about it. Or worse, pictures – she couldn't be certain they didn't exist.
So she humored the 80s hair-band reject, read his e-mails, and occasionally sent a reply.
Sighing, she opened it. It was short.
Babe, why couldn't you have been more like this with me? Seriously.
There was a link attached.
Shego had zero interest in clicking the link. Probably a video clip of some bimbo throwing herself at some redneck idiot with a guitar and a pickup truck. The mental images would never go away. So she deleted the message instead.
"Shego? Shego!!! Are you watching Channel Seven?!"
Shego closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and counted to five. "Noooooo," she said mockingly as she lounged in a chair and read one of her magazines.
Dr. Drakken burst in. "You missed it then! It was amazing! It was unbelievable! It was – "
"Not worth my time."
"But you won't believe it! Kim Possible was on TV!"
Shego narrowed her eyes. "She's on the news all the time, Dr. D. Usually the footage involves her kicking our asses! Why would I – "
"It wasn't the news, Shego, it was a television commercial. Kim Possible is now doing endorsements!"
"Great," Shego muttered. Now Kimmie's face was going to intrude on her television programs too. "What's she endorsing? Pimple cream?" She sniggered.
Shego blinked as she suddenly found Drakken was gripping her wrist. "Come on!" he said, pulling her out of her chair. "Let's find it on the Net!"
She activated her powers, and he let go, hissing as she burned his hand. "No touchee!"
"Shego!" he whined.
"Fine," she said, exasperated. "Let's see what Princess is up to."
A minute later, he was seated at his computer console with its enormous monitor. "A-ha, here it is! Apparently it's only been on the TV for a few days, and already the other villains are interlacing video clips with humorous remarks. Ooh, that sounds like fun, Shego."
"Leave me out of it, Dr. D. Just like karaoke."
Suddenly the screen became filled with footage of Kimmie receiving a phone call.
Shego stared for a moment before a wicked laugh bubbled up in her throat. Well well, Kimmie. I guess the ol' college fund must not be cutting it if you're doing tacky crap like . . .
The laugh died in her throat.
In the commercial, Kim was standing across from a young woman sitting at a desk. The woman had long black hair, big earrings, multiple plastic bracelets, a checkered sleeveless top . . .
She was, in fact, dressed exactly like Shego had been dressed during her last caper with Motor Ed.
As Shego silently watched in what could only be described as "growing horror", the woman dressed in that unspeakable outfit timidly explained that she was putting in a $190 bid on a room at a four-star hotel that normally went for $200. And Kim mocked her.
"Princess." "$169?" "Pumpkin." "$149?" "Cupcake."
Shego felt nauseous. Her life was flashing before her eyes – or rather, the last couple days of her life. That strange email from Motor Ed, that repulsive smile on Kimmie's face . . . Kim was hoping Shego had seen the commercial so she could humiliate the thief some more! Even threaten her with the very real and very horrific possibility of revealing to the world that Shego was the inspiration for the ad! The weak-willed wallflower secretary on the TV, dressed in the outfit Shego so wanted to forget, was designed to strike directly at the public image that mattered so much to her. Probably payback for all the snide remarks Shego had made over the years at Kim's expense. Some of which Kim had now stolen on national television!
That, that . . . that BITCH!
Whatever Drakken had been about to say next, it fled shrieking when he turned around and saw the look of pure fury in her eyes. The way she was shaking suggested that it was only through supreme force of will that she hadn't spontaneously combusted. "Er, Shego?"
The way that girl in the commercial smiled at Kim, like she was so happy she finally had Kim's approval, like a puppy expecting a treat because it learned a new trick! That condescending little w –
"Did you pay too much for your last hotel room or something?"
Shego's lip curled as she stared down at Kimmie's sleeping form. The stupid cheerleader probably never even realized how easy it would be for her to break into her bedroom at night. Shego had never done it because she considered it beneath her talents to strike when Kim was completely vulnerable. Now, however, it wasn't business any more. It was personal.
And Kim should have been counting her lucky stars in her dreams at that moment, because Shego wasn't there to kill her.
Shego hefted the spray bottle.
A couple minutes later, she left the way she came with a small bundle in one hand.
Kim chuckled to herself. The commercial had been on the air for days. Shego had to have seen it by now.
It hadn't exactly been premeditated. But it had always bothered her that Shego got away scot-free after she'd very nearly helped Motor Ed unleash a deadly shockwave that would have killed thousands of people. That kind of destructive, willful recklessness couldn't be allowed to go unpunished!
So when she'd arrived on the set and met the actress she'd be working with, it had taken Kim two seconds to realize she was looking at a drab, listless version of Shego. Ten minutes later, courtesy of Wade, she had a wardrobe change for the young actress, which the director was more than willing to go along with.
An anonymous $100,000 donation made by Priceline to the burn ward at her mother's hospital, and a hugely embarrassed Shego somewhere out there – she had no regrets about taking that one little endorsement offer.
She was so engrossed in envisioning what the look on Shego's face would be that she didn't at first notice that her boyfriend had vanished. "Ron?" she asked, suddenly realizing the corridor had grown way too quiet. "Ron!"
She heard a small noise. Looking up, Kim saw a security camera swiveling to lock in on her. She tried to run beneath it, but a solid wall of steel slid up from the floor, blocking her forward progress.
Footsteps behind her made Kim turn around. "Ron, where – "
It wasn't Ron.
"So, Kimmie, did you get your Screen Actors Guild card yet?" Shego snarled.
Kim grinned mischievously. "Been watching TV?"
"Drakken showed me." The look on Shego's face was positively murderous. "You went too far, Cupcake. Which, by the way, is my expression to use, not yours!"
"Had to make sure you were paying attention," Kim said, her smile broadening.
"Yeah, well, I just want you to remember that this is on you," Shego said. She raised one hand in the air and fired a bolt of plasma directly upwards. It collided with a sprinkler, setting the fire prevention system off. Suddenly the hallway was soaked.
Kim raised an eyebrow. "Trying to give me a cold?"
Shego said nothing. She just waited.
Kim took one step forward, and then she froze. Something felt – strange.
And then her mission clothes disintegrated.
It took a few moments for Kim to realize she was clad only in bra and panties. When she did, she shrieked and hunched over, clapping her arms across her body. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Gee, that must be embarrassing," Shego observed dryly.
Kim shot her a look. "You! You did this to me! How – "
"I broke into your room last night. By the way, a thought, Kimmie? If you're going to make enemies all over the world, your bedroom shouldn't be the most easily accessible room in the house."
"Cute Pandaroo, by the way."
Kim turned even redder. By now she had a full body blush going on, and she was starting to get cold. But the only way out was through Shego, and fighting her like THIS was squicking her out!
"Anyway, it's a Drakken formula. He was going to threaten to set a bomb off in the atmosphere. Everyone in the world would have found themselves in the buff in seconds the first time they got caught in a rainstorm," Shego said calmly. "He dropped it when I pointed out there was a chance he might see his mother naked. But he held onto a supply, and last night I sprayed it all over your mission clothes. All, that is, except this one." She held up a bundle of black and purple fabric. "How badly do you want it?"
Kim's rage briefly overcame her modesty and she prepared to charge Shego, but the villainess held up a spray bottle in her other hand. "Buh-uh-uh, Princess," she said. "You wouldn't want me to spray you with this if you come near me, would you?"
"Here's the deal, Kimmie," Shego said. "I figure you've got two minutes before the buffoon sets off the self-destruct and you've got to flee the building in your undies. I'm sure Stoppable won't mind. Neither will Drakken's twenty-three henchmen."
"What do you want?!" Kim growled. She sneezed.
"Simple. Say you're sorry."
"Sorry?! Not a chance! You deserved it for that stunt you pulled with Ed's car. You could have taken out all of Middleton!"
Shego shrugged. "Not my problem, Kimmie. Say you're sorry for embarrassing me on national television, promise you'll never mention it ever again, and I'll give you the clothes. And I'll never bring this little episode up again. AND I won't post the security footage from that camera on the Web."
Kim's head snapped back toward the security camera, horrified. "All right, all right! I'm - sorry I made fun of you on TV, and I'll never speak of it again. Happy?!"
"Now you're negotiating," Shego said, tossing her the clothes.
Kim grabbed them and hurriedly started putting them on. They were wet, but at least they covered her up.
When she looked for Shego, though, she was gone.
Shego lay on her bed that night, pitying poor Kimmie. Heroes could never hope to equal villains when it came to dirty tricks. It just wasn't in their nature.
She glanced at the waterproof camera on her nightstand. She'd surreptitiously taken a picture while Kim was pulling her pants on.
Just in case Kim welshed on the deal. Shego would've.
Note: Inspired by William Shatner's derogatory use of the word "Cupcake" in a commercial.