Disclaimer: Batman is not mah properteh, so don't sue me hmah.
She let out a scream. The man in the emerald green suit and a matching bowler leapt out from behind an office building, hands extended in the cliché "joke" pose. Her hands clasped over her heart, but then immediately began fumbling for her mace. He clicked his tongue and held up a small red canister. She looked at him in disbelief, then at the can, then back at him again.
"How did you-"
"Never mind that, Karen! It's riddle time!"
Her hands formed the defensive claw she had learned from her class at the Y. "How do you know my name?"
"I found you on Facebook! Now, what has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three at night?"
Her head was still spinning. "Wha…?"
"And if you don't answer, I'm going to eviscerate you!" He did a mad little dance on the sidewalk. Karen watched him blankly.
"Umm, three…three what?"
"Legs Karen! Give up?"
She stared at him. "Uh…yeah, sure."
"It's man!" He threw his arms up. She still stared at him. "What?"
"That's it? That's the answer? It's man?"
"That's friggin' stupid."
A chill wind blew between them.
"That's one of the oldest riddles in the world! The sphinx posed it to Oedipus when he approached-"
"Well, it's stupid. How the hell was I supposed to know that? 'It's man'. You just used it to make yourself sound smart."
The Riddler wilted a little inside. This day was not going as he'd hoped.
"Come on, if you had taken history in school-"
"That's beside the point!…Hey, I bet you wouldn't even have gotten it if you didn't already know the answer!"
His shoulders hunched defensively. "I would've known." His voice came out as a whine.
"Yeah, and if I believed that, then we'd both be rubes." She paused. "Why are you doing this?"
His answer came as a mumble.
"BecauseIwantedtoaskyouout!" He said in an embarrassed rush. She blinked a few times.
"Oh." She said at length. "That's different then."
He looked at her in awe. "You'd…you'd still go out with me?"
She looked him up and down. "I guess…okay. I mean, as a villain, you're kind of a joke, but it'd impress the hell out of my friends."
He stood up straight, glaring. "Hey, I'm not as lame as…as…"
She gazed at him skeptically. "As who?"
She made a pfft noise. "Please. At least he has super-strength."
"But he's covered in abrasive scales! And he's rock stupid! And he lives in a sewer!"
"Hey, that's his lair. Anyway, I don't see anybody scrambling to call you when there's one of those group-alliance things that always end with Catwoman betraying everybody."
"I do okay." He muttered sulkily. She sighed and shook her head.
"Listen, this is all time I could be spending getting ready. If you're really serious about this, then I need to go back to my apartment and change, maybe a quick shower. You?"
He jumped. "Well, I suppose I could…change…"
She gave a short laugh. "You better. You're not exactly dressed to impress, are you?"
"Hey now, this is my seventh-best suit, I wear this for bank robberies and goon's funerals!"
"You go to their funerals?"
"Yes, actually. It occupies a lot of time, but I think it lends a personal touch."
She smiled and shook her head. "Well, get on your…your third-best suit, or something a little more…"
"Subtle. And we'll have a date tonight."
He smiled. That hadn't been so hard. "Where do you want to go?"
"Uh-uh, I have to get home. We'll have plenty of time to pick something when we're cruising around in the…Riddle-mobile?"
"Um…in the shop."
"How did you get here then?"
She sighed. The cons of dating a minor supervillain were beginning to outweigh the pros.
"Okay, rent a car-"
"-I can steal one-"
"-steal a car, and meet me back here in about two hours. Bring your wallet, no purple ascots or anything like that, comprendez-vous?"
They stood there for a minute.
"…Aren't you going to zip off or something like that?"
"Actually, it's about twenty minutes to my lair and also…this is a pretty rough neighborhood."
She sighed again. Great, a gentleman. "You want to walk me home?"
"If it's not too…forward of me."
She smiled in spite of herself and proffered her elbow. "It's not."
They walked off, arm in arm, awkward but dealing with it.
"So, you seemed to have this dating thing down to a science."
"Well, I'm kind of an expert."
"We're running a pool on it in my office."
"Diane is ahead of me, but she only has one of the Penguin's henchman… and she isn't enjoying herself, trust me. A henchman? The guy's all hands."
"Ah. So this will put you in the running?"
"I hope. I mean, at least it'll put me ahead of Susan, who claims to be dating Bat-mite, though we all can't be sure whether she's kidding or not."
"It seems like you kiss a lot of frogs just to get to…a bigger frog."
"Tell me about it. And all the cool ones are either taken or insane. Or both. I mean, look at the Joker!"
"I have. I can't imagine them…urgh!" He shook his head to drive away the ghastly images of those two bumping uglies.
"By the way, do you know if the Scarecrow's free? I'm not asking for me…well, I am a little I guess, but Tina in accounting wants to know."
"Who, Jonathan? He's…not your type." He thought of the last time he'd seen the other villain. "Actually, I don't think you're his type, if you get my drift."
Realization dawned on her face. "Ahhh, so he's…a third problem."
The Riddler felt a small surge of triumph.
"Not that you'd like him anyway, he's mind-numbingly boring, and an absolutely wearisome person to have a conversation with. Why, I remember once back in June…"
The pair ambled on to her apartment, the lights of Gotham winking at them as they went on their merry way. Ah, harmony.
Author's note: Another late-night wonder, this one finished at about three. I've never done a really light-hearted Batman story before, and I really liked how this one turned out. I like this as a one-shot, but I might turn it into chapters later…hmm. Be seeing you.