A/N: The sordid story of how the map was put together.
'I've got spiders in my hair.'
'Did we have to crawl under that bench?'
'Did you want Filch to catch us, cut off our testicles and turn them into a very odd Christmas decoration?'
'Moony, you have a strange imagination. And sense of humour. Why are you smiling?'
'I just thought about your balls hanging over the door instead of mistletoe.'
'You frighten me. And I've got spiders in my hair.'
'Yeah, yeah. Save them. My owl might want some supper.'
'Okay. I'll just put them in my pocket, shall I?'
And then there was silence that lasted for a few minutes. Sirius leaned against the wall somewhere in the dungeons and started to pick off the crawlies from his hair. Remus shifted around nervously, turning his head from side to side.
'It's not even Christmas, you freak,' Sirius muttered under his breath and flinched when Remus gave him a rather evil look.
Things were going well, considering that they were out and about after curfew doing something that could, if it succeeded, be very stupid and irresponsible. This wasn't very rare for Marauders, but this time there was no cloak to help them. James and Peter had it. Usually, all four of them would be together, but this plan was the Big One, and they had to pair off.
James had gotten the cloak, because its usefulness cancelled out Peters incompetence. And Sirius had been stuck with Mister "I'd make love to the rules if I could" Lupin. Sirius was quite happy with it. He liked to annoy, scare and disgust Remus.
'This must be our most brilliant plan ever!' Sirius gushed.
'Could be,' Remus said tiredly.
'To map out the whole castle! Just think what we could do with a thing like that! There'd be no rules! We could do anything!' Sirius continued. Remus shushed him.
'Yeah. And that brilliant map is why we are standing in this freezing corridor, in the middle of the night, without any light except our wands and that mad glow in your eyes,' Remus said gloomily and hugged himself for warmth and comfort.
'Well, I said we could take the third and fourth floor, but no, you wanted the dungeons,' Sirius reminded him.
'I wanted the kitchen!' Remus howled quietly.
'It came with the dungeons,' Sirius said brightly, stomped his foot and said: 'we'll start the mapping here.'
'Okay, you draw, I'll keep watch,' Remus said.
'Fine. Now, give me the parchment.'
'I don't have any parchment. You said you were going to bring the equipment.'
'I have the pen.'
'Good. So... why the Hell you don't have the parchment?'
'Erm... I used my last this evening. I needed some tissue really badly...'
'Come on, Moony! You always have some parchment with you.'
'Not now. Shall we get back then and get some parchment?'
'Through four corridors, three stairs, twenty ghosts and ten teachers? I don't think so, not without the map.'
'But we don't have anything to draw on!' Remus shouted. Sirius smirked.
'But I've got a pen. And you know, once upon a time there was no paper to draw on. Do you know how people managed to write letters?' he asked cunningly.
'They carved their messages on to a slab of stone,' Remus mumbled and eyed the hard, cold stone walls. Sirius shook his head.
'And they had animal skins...' Remus started and trailed off. Sirius' smile widened.
'You can't be... you've got to be joking!' Remus said, shaking his head.
'Would you rather risk it and go get some parchment?' Sirius asked. Remus pondered over that for a moment. Their close call with Filch had shaken him.
'Fine. Fine. But you know I'm no good with a pen,' he finally said sulkily.
'That is why you are to be the parchment,' Sirius announced with his "elementary, dear Watson" - voice.
'No shit, Sherlock,' Remus mumbled dejectedly. A tiny spark of rebellion shoot up.
'You can draw on yourself! I'm not doing it,' he said.
'But I'm too hairy. You don't have any bodily hair yet,' Sirius pointed out.
'I do!' Remus huffed.
'Not where it matters,' Sirius said annoyingly and added: 'I've seen your chest. Smooth as a peach.'
They stared at each other for a long while. Finally Remus threw his hands up in the air.
'Fine! Fine!' he huffed. Sirius smiled smugly and took the pen out of his pocket.
'Turn around and lift your shirt up. So, the stairs to the dungeons are here, around your left shoulder blade and now this corridor goes toward your left side. There are three rooms on the left and four on the right. Walk forward, we need to go and check if there's any more rooms around your neck...'
And so they marched forward in the dark corridor, their wands glowing eerily. The only sounds were their footsteps, Remus' huffs and grunts and Sirius' constant and absurd rant.
They came back after a while and moved towards Remus' right shoulder. That covered, they moved to the other way, towards the lower back and the bum. Sirius scribbled on the smooth skin of Remus' back while Remus bent down, sighing and whining.
'Right. Rem? Ha, you won't believe this,' Sirius said after a while and chuckled. Remus instinctively felt terrified.
'What is it?' he asked with dread.
'There are more rooms at the end of this corridor,' Sirius said.
'So what? Keep drawing, I'm freezing.'
'Okay. Pull down your pants.'
'Your back is too short, I need your buttocks,' Sirius announced calmly. Remus snorted hysterically.
'No way!' he said and laughed. The voice died down quite quickly when he realised that Sirius wasn't laughing.
'No way!' Remus said again.
'But I need them, Moony!' Sirius whined.
'Can't you just... remember the rooms?' Remus asked hopefully.
'No. You know I need to draw down every detail, like windows and fireplaces and stuff...'
'Well, can't you continue on my stomach?'
'I need it for the next floor,' Sirius said and tugged Remus' belt impatiently.
'Sirius, why do I always end up in the most absurd situations when I'm with you? Can't you do anything normally?' Remus asked and shook his head in exasperation.
'Just pull your pants down,' Sirius said and grinned widely.
'I hate you,' Remus said calmly while undoing his belt buckle. Finally he pushed his pants down and let Sirius' hands on his bum. Sirius started on the left buttock, grasping the right one firmly, massaging it occasionally. Remus gritted his teeth.
'Oo, very firm and smooth, Remus! These are even better to draw on than your back!' Sirius chuckled.
'Bugger off,' Remus grumbled.
'Now, do you really want to use those words right now?' Sirius taunted and let out a gasp when Remus' right elbow made contact with his stomach. He kept silent for a while, drawing and occasionally peeking inside a room.
'You know, Moony, this looks like Ernie.'
'Your left buttock looks like Ernie. And the right one is a spitting image of Gerald. I wrote that on them, just next to your crack. Ernie and Gerald.'
'You absolute fuckwit. I will fucking eat you!' Remus yelled, yanked his pants up and tried to throw himself at Sirius, clawing at the air. Sirius stepped aside.
'Sorry. I couldn't resist it. And they do look like...'
'Shut up. Shut up. If you ever tell anyone that you have even seen my bum, I'll put a terrible curse on you,' Remus threatened.
'Like what?' Sirius asked and smiled sweetly. Remus was a little angel, he couldn't do anything really evil. 'Turn my nose into a jelly?' Sirius suggested.
'No. Some other body part, maybe,' Remus said and tried to cackle evilly. Sirius wasn't very impressed.
'I know the counter curse. Anyway, I've done it to myself, 'cause I wanted this one girl to suck...'
'Shut up!' Remus cried out and, amazingly, Sirius did.
'Is this floor covered?' Remus asked coldly and Sirius nodded. Remus walked away, leaving Sirius to run after him.
'Okay, Remus, I'm really sorry that I wrote on your lovely bum. Don't be mad with me,' Sirius pleaded. Remus just stuck his nose up in the air and walked onwards.
'I can go and get you something from the kitchen or something,' Sirius offered, but Remus wasn't so easily placated.
'It does not,' Remus finally blurted out when they had reached the next floor.
'My left buttock does not look like Ernie... that's way too common!' Remus said angrily.
'Okay. It looked more like... Gabriel?' Sirius tried. Remus muttered quietly, saying the name over and over again.
'Fine,' he finally said.
'Gabriel and Gerald. Yeah. Do you want me to write that...'
'NO! Just keep drawing, alright?' Remus said and lifted up his shirt, exposing his smooth, toned chest and stomach.
'Could you take your shirt off, it'd be easier,' Sirius asked and tried not to stare.
'For you, maybe,' Remus muttered darkly, but took away his shirt anyway.
Sirius started to draw. The corridor they were standing on went from Remus neck all the way to his navel. Sirius started to look into the rooms on both sides of the corridor and doodled them absent-mindedly on Remus.
'Ow! That was my nipple, you idiot!' Remus whispered. Sirius stared at the brown, hardening nub and felt his mouth watering. He swallowed thickly.
He had been painfully hard ever since he had gotten his hands on Remus' bum. Okay, on his skin. Okay, ever since he had realised he would be spending most of this night alone with Remus.
'Sorry,' he mumbled and shifted awkwardly.
'Is it bleeding?' Remus asked. Sirius shook his head and watched as Remus rubbed his nipple gently.
'Oh...' he whispered, shook himself and tried to shift again to ease the pressure in his trousers. Remus huffed.
'What next? You'll poke me...'
'... in the eye?' Remus finished and gave Sirius an odd look.
'Er. Yeah. I mean, no. I won't go anywhere near you eyes,' Sirius promised. Remus narrowed his eyes and stared at Sirius for a long while before shrugging.
'Go on,' Remus finally said and Sirius bent closer and started drawing the next room just below Remus' left pectoral. They moved along the corridor, and Sirius inched his way towards Remus' waist.
'Your hands are shaking,' Remus noted after a while.
'You look feverish. And your hands are all sweaty and hot,' Remus pointed out. Sirius didn't have a good explanation, so he kept quiet.
'Are you sure you can draw the walls straight? You can hardly hold that pen!' Remus said worriedly.
'Just shut up, you are making it really hard... to concentrate,' Sirius moaned, blushing horridly.
'Fine,' Remus muttered sulkily.
'Maybe we should go back now,' Sirius said hurriedly, pushing the pen into his pocket.
'But you haven't drawn the kitchen yet!'
'There's no room for it. Let's go back, I'm really tired.'
'You don't look it. And I've still got my thighs, you can draw on them, because I'm really not coming back tomorrow! I need some sleep,' Remus said and a few second later his trousers pooled around his ankles.
'Um. You're not wearing any underwear,' Sirius said shakily. He couldn't fucking breath any more.
'So? You've seen my arse already. Get down there and start drawing, I want to go to bed,' Remus said impatiently.
'Ah. Well. Arse is... a bit different. I can't just kneel down there... my nose would like be pressed against your... your... and, and, and...' Sirius stuttered and fell silent.
'So? Isn't that what you've been after all the time?' Remus sighed and Sirius let out a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a scream.
'You've been all over me for months now! Hugging me, wrestling with me, patting me... Come on, Sirius! Do you think I'm stupid and blind and completely numb?'
'You've been poking me with your hard cock all night, you twit!' Remus laughed.
'Oh... Sorry,' Sirius said quietly. The sheer horror had at least taken care of that problem. Sirius swallowed.
'So...' he mumbled and glanced at Remus, wringing his hands.
'So get down there and finish the kitchen,' Remus suggested and gave Sirius a brief, warm smile. The problem came back quite quickly.
'Okay,' Sirius said meekly. He walked into the kitchen and looked around. Finally he turned around, slowly, and saw that Remus had followed him into the huge room.
'What can we do for you Sirs?' an eager house elf asked beside a huge oven.
'We would like to be left alone,' Remus said calmly. The house elf took one look at his naked form, squeaked and ran away.
'Draw, Sirius,' Remus whispered. Sirius got down to his knees, touched gently Remus' left thigh and started to sketch the kitchen.
There was lots of details to be drawn – the huge fireplaces, enormous tables, red hot ovens – and Sirius could almost ignore how Remus' cock, few inches from his hand, twitched, grew bigger and hardened. Almost.
'There's no room for the word "kitchen",' Sirius said shakily, keeping his eyes on the ground.
'Yeah. Lots of stuff all over your thighs and knees,' Sirius mumbled.
'There's some free skin just between my thighs. Oh, against my stomach now, I see,' Remus said and pointed down. Sirius glanced up and swallowed.
'Yeah,' he whispered and lifted his hand slowly. Gently he grasped Remus' erection and painstakingly slowly wrote "kitchen" on it, taking care not to scrape too hard. He couldn't quite manage to let go after the last "n".
Remus tugged at his hair and Sirius slowly stood up, still not letting go. Remus drew him closer.
'So I didn't manage to turn your cock into jelly? Quite the opposite, I feel,' Remus grinned and Sirius leaned forward and kissed him.
Remus walked backwards, leaded them out of the kitchen and into a handy cupboard Sirius had drawn on the left side of his navel only minutes before. They closed the door and in the darkness grasped every bit of each other, realising as many of their dirty dreams as it is humanly possible in one night.
It was nearly time for breakfast when they finally slipped into the dorm.
'Take your clothes off, so I can move the drawings onto a parchment,' Sirius whispered, took off his own shirt and searched for his pyjamas.
'Where have you guys been?' James asked behind his bed curtains and jumped out.
'Me and Peter were back hours ago!' James said and looked at the half-naked Remus up and down.
'Why are you all blue? Your chest and your back are all covered with some sort of really odd hieroglyphs...'
'It's a map, James. We forgot to take parchment, so I drew on Remus. Worked out brilliantly,' Sirius explained and smiled at Remus who was staring back at him, looking absolutely horrified. James turned around.
'Then why are you all blue, too?' he asked and moved closer.
'What?' Sirius asked and looked down. Indeed his chest was covered with shaky, smudged lines of the same drawings that covered Remus. Sirius thought quickly.
'Well, er, I had ink all over my hand and my shirt was really itchy and I had to scratch myself,' he said confidently. James grasped his right hand and turned the palm upwards.
'It says kitchen all over you hand,' James pointed out. Remus let out a choking sound and Sirius blushed.
'Yeah, well...' he tried.
'It says kitchen on your upper lip, too. And on your chin. And on your cheek,' James said, frowning.
'Funny thing, that. I think I need a shower, so...' Sirius said and tried to tug his hand free. James grasped his chin firmly and stared at Sirius, his eyes narrowing. He moved his lips a bit and touched a spot on a Sirius right cheek. Then he touched at the same spot on Sirius' left cheek, quite close to Sirius' mouth. James looked Sirius straight in the eye.
'Who the Hell are Ernie and Gerald?' he asked.