Disclaimer: LOST is the property of ABC. Title and one line out of the fic from "Ironspy" by Splashdown.

Iron In My Spine's Conducting Lightning

She wonders if she can kill him (wants hopes craves can't). She has never been so angry, never in her life and it eats at her (boils bubbles simmers burns in her) like nothing else ever has (ever will). It is too much, seeing him, even seeing him defeated is too much, because it will never be enough (enough blood enough pain humiliation revenge), it will never make up for everything he has put her through (Ben you bastard you evil manipulative sonofabitch), made her do, made her be.

She shakes when she thinks about it (someone stop my hands from shaking) and she doesn't even know why, that's the worst part, she can't identify her own emotions, and that's a victory for Ben (game set match you used to joke but it's not a joke oh no it's not). There are so many, too many to choose from, none of them good, all of them a part of her that she used to want to bury (but there's no point in burying anything on this fucking island it always finds its way back), before she came and before she realized what he was.

She doesn't look at him (I don't need to don't want to have to). Mostly. Until she does, until she meets his eyes, and she has never looked away, has she? She has never been so filled with rage but she has never needed anything as much in her life as she needs to get off this island (you can't keep me here I'm not yours). And it's in his eyes, he still makes her think that he might help her, despite everything he's done (not done).

She fights the urge to give him a chance, but that's Ben, isn't it? He has his games but they're all pawns, and maybe her part in the game ends with her escaping (you don't hate me after all I don't know why I don't care).

She waits (get me off this island Ben get me to my sister and maybe maybe I'll stop shaking stop hating you).

She wonders if she'll get off this island alive.