This is a joint effort on the part of a community called ontdtwilight on livejournal. We are epic. We are awesome. This was written by pocksun, boundary, simmeringly, prettytwilight, and wunderkinddd, who are also users on livejournal. ENJOY.
This is straight up crack!fic from the chats we have. If you weren't there, you should have been. We are awesome and you envy us immensely.
Bella rubbed her stomach and moaned. "I definitely shouldn't have eaten those seventeen enchiladas!," she said to herself, walking to the bathroom. She tripped on the carpet and fell on her face, a pained sound escaping her ruby red lips.
She slowly got up and pushed open the bathroom door. Flicking on the light, she made her way to the mirror and opened it. She began to look through it and smiled triumphantly when she found the Milk Of Magnesium. "This will definitely work!"
Ignoring the directions, she opened the bottle and drank about half. She needed all the help she could get.
Bella lowered herself to the floor, propping against the bathroom wall. Her stomach rumbled something fierce and she pulled her arms around to stop the overwhelming thunder that escaped her middle.
"Bella! What's wrong?" Edward's eyes were wrinkled together in worry, forcing open the bathroom door.
"I'm fine! Go away!" Bella screamed. She didn't want Edward to see her in this state. It was embarrassing enough not being at home in this condition.
Edward pulled the door from its hinges and was at Bella's side, "Do you want me to get Carlisle? You are so pale! What is it? What can I do?"
"Just… Just…" and a loud gurgle echoed in the oversized bathroom. Edward was feigning confusion, but knew all too well what was ailing Bella. He allowed himself to be pushed back as she shoved against the door and flung herself to the toilet, almost getting her pants soiled as she struggled to hold it in.
She knew Edward has that vampire hearing, though, so he needed to go. "Edward, can you give me a few minutes? Uh…please? Can you do somewhere that you won't be able to hear me?"
Edward knew he could hear this sort of noise from anywhere, but decided to play along. "Okay Bella, just call for me when you're done." He stomped his feet as though to leave, then silently sat on the floor in front of the bathroom door, ear pressed against it, his hands flat against the frame as he imagined tears rolling down his cheeks, saddened for his soul mate and her plight of the bowels.
Bella cried out loud and sniffled. "I'M OKAY EDWARD, I just need a human moment okay?" she screamed.
"Are you sure Bella? Do you need anything….love.." Edward said trying to be supportive.
The minutes ticked by and Bella was still in the bathroom when Edward decided he couldn't take it any longer. He quickly stood up and pressed his body against the door, caressing it softly. His poor Bella was in pain and he could do nothing to stop it. Curse his vampirism! If only he could go to the bathroom for her!
He continued to caress the door, whispering her name over and over again like a prayer. He had gone to medical school twice and not being able to help his beloved was killing him. He could treat a wound, heal an organ, but he could not fix this. What was the point of being a doctor if he couldn't help the one he loved?
A loud noise shook him out of his thoughts. Had Bella fallen off the toilet?
Edward burst through the door, shattering it to pieces and saw Bella sprawled across the tiled floor, pants at her ankles and a ripe smell coming from the toilet that was being christened with this travesty of fecal matter.
"Bella! Bella! Wake up! What… are you… dead from… this?" Edward did his best to roll her over, trying to keep his prying eyes from viewing her vulnerable exposure.
Edward cradled her in his arms, rubbing her forehead and holding his breath to safeguard from the rancid toilet emissions. "Oh, Bella, my love. I love you. Don't leave me. Not over this."
Just then, Bella regained her consciousness and jolted to her feet. She struggled to pull her pants and underwear around her middle and ran from the bathroom. Before she got to the stairs leading into the Cullens' living room, Edward was at her side, begging for her forgiveness.
"Please don't be angry with me about interrupting your 'human moment', my love. I was only worried for your life, I don't remember what it was like to have constipation.." Bella shot him a glare that silenced him. She practically flew down the stairs, Edward apologizing overly for disturbing her. As she reached the front door, Emmett popped up in front of her out of nowhere, a grin on his face.
"Hey, Bella. You the reason why it smells like rank horse's ass upstairs? You didn't even have the courtesy to flush." He shook his head in mock disappointment.
Edward slapped Emmett's head and Bella screamed out "SHUT UP EMMETT, GO FUCK ROSALIE OKAY?"
Emmett was hurt but laughed it off. Rosalie flew down the stairs and asked what was going on in this damned house.
"Um, what died in here?!" Rosalie said with a sour look on her face.
Jasper came out of his and Alice's room with a very pained look on his face. "I feel so much pain.. I feel like my insides are going to explode.." he said.
While everyone was bickering, Bella ran off to the kitchen. She needed something to drink. She sighed, opening the refrigerator. She scanned, looking for something to quench her thirst. A-Ha! She set her eyes upon a gallon of grape juice.
Suddenly, she felt better. She opened the top, taking a large swig of the purple delight. Or was it? Bella swallowed, pulling the bottle from her plump lips. Her eyes widened, she started sweating profusely. In big letters, the bottle she thought was heavenly grape juice was "FAST ACTING PRUNE JUICE."
Bella started to panic, feeling the awful sickness she felt moments earlier.
She grabbed her coat, keys, and ran out the house to her truck. Edward was rushing behind her, trying to apologize and offering to take her home himself. She turned to face him, but a lurch in her abdomen brought her to her knees.
"Bella, this is insane. Let me take you home. I could run faster than that piece of junk could get you there. I'll leave as soon as we get there. I promise."
Bella worked her way up the truck, straining to get her balance. "Fine." She spit out, venom in her breath.
Edward flung her on his back, and Bella could tell he was holding his breath. She couldn't' even imagine how this all smelled to someone with his senses. She was so embarrassed at tonight's events, she only wanted to forget them and possibly move to Europe to escape this shame.
Soon they were running through the forests and roads of Forks, the crisp wind stinging her face. Every second was too long, and every groan of her stomach was like nails to her sensitive flesh.
"We're here. I'll…. See you later?" Edward said softly.
"No. I'll… just. Let me call you." Bella rushed inside, glad that Charlie was asleep already.
When Bella reached her porcelain throne, she let loose all the fury of a thousand shotguns from her behind. A gasp escaped her lips in the pure joy of this revolting release.
"God… hurts so good I got a soregasm."