A/N: Posted this awhile back at the JoLu forum. Those who go there have probably already read/possibly commented on it. Still, I wanted to post it here. It's the sequel to I'm Lying Through My Teeth. This time it's from Lulu's point of view. I love Lulu's point of view. I can just imagine her all frazzled, trying to rationalize what she feels and just winding up more confused.
Anyway, she discusses her and Logan briefly before picking up where the last one left off. It stops before her kidnapping.
Hope you enjoy!
I swear to God, it's the Spencer in me.
What other explanation is there? When a girl like me starts falling all over herself for what's surely a trouble incarnate for the second time in her life, there's no other excuse but genetics right? I mean, take a look at my parents. I don't think there have ever been worse adventure junkies than Luke and Laura Spencer. And my brother Lucky? He's a cop, and although he'd never admit it, I know he gets some sort of high from the dangers that come with the job. And then there's me: little Lesley Lu, stupidest of them all.
Now a couple of years ago, I wasn't so bad. I mean sure, I acted out, but that was mainly to get my dad's attention. And it's not like I did things every normal teenager doesn't do. What's one hotwired car or two? What are a few pick-pocketed wallets? It's not like my rich step-family is in need of the money. But moving on to the more dangerous stuff, I wasn't exactly fond of the tastes of danger I received when I was held captive with Spinelli or held hostage at the MetroCourt. So I guess you could say that this all really started with Logan Hayes.
Ugh, I get so sick to my stomach thinking of how much of an idiot I was with Logan. I mean, everyone and their brother warned me that the "misunderstood bad boy with a heart of gold" thing he had going for him was just an act, but like a typical Spencer, I didn't heed good advice. Instead I pulled a Carly (who was also one of those who warned me, by the way), hating being told what to do and insisting I knew better than everyone else.
Well, I'm not afraid to admit it: I was wrong. Horribly wrong. While I was off insisting that Logan was really a decent guy once you really got to know him, he was off plotting with Maxie, Queen of the Tramps, to get into my pants. And he did. And then he got into her's too.
God, I know we're back together now, and that he's truly sorry (as expressed by his million apologies), and he actually cares about me, and he explained it all, but I still seethe with anger thinking about it. And it's not just because it reminds me of what a gullible idiot I was, either. It's because if Logan hadn't cheated on me, I never would have run away that night. I never would have met the cockiest, most infuriating, mentally unstable charmer that is the one and only Johnny Zacchara.
There I go again, see! It has to be a Spencer thing. It has to. I just can't – Oh! It doesn't even matter. The point is that I'm going from bad to worse. Logan was just a bad guess when I tried to read him, but I know that Johnny can only lead to disaster. Logan can be a first class jerk, but Johnny is danger personified. You know what he is? A mob heir in his mid-twenties who's known nothing but violence and anger his entire life. So why do I...
No, not going to go there.
I guess this is the same problem I had – excuse me, have – with Logan. I've seen all of these signs that scream Turn back, Lulu, this guy's trouble! but then he goes and ruins it by doing something...well, something good. You know, when his crazy father snuck into my brother's Ball and tried to kill me, Johnny risked his life to come and save me. He hardly even knew me then! I was just some girl he'd picked up off the road one night, but he was willing to shoot his own father to get me out alive. He even apologized for all of the trouble he'd wrongly thought he'd caused. A guy like that has to be a decent one, right?
Wrong. Wrong again. Right after he'd done something noble and heroic, he slipped right back into his cold, arrogant mask like it had never happened. I was so confused. He'd spent so much time telling me how he'd felt trapped all of his life and that he wanted to be free, but when his father was finally taken out of the picture and he had the chance to make that dream come true, he blew it off like it was nothing!
I've been waiting for my chance to run things, he'd said. Liar. Before we'd spoken of running off to Canada and starting over for crying out loud! When I reminded him of this, he shrugged it off with some sarcastic comment. Who gives a damn about some island in Canada? Unless you want me to by you one, I think it was. I was shocked. Where was the kind listener I'd run off with a couple of times?
And then it hit me: Johnny was pushing me away again. He'd done it before, but that was when his father wanted me dead. Why now? Whatever the reason, I hated it. I can't stand when people try to make decisions for me. So naturally, I took a page out of his book and made some snarky remark and taking my leave, acting as if I didn't care.
By the way, I really need to work on the pretending I don't care part. You see, I kind of went to my ex-sister-in-law Elizabeth to talk about him right after the incident, and then I went and couldn't shut up about him to my friend, Spinelli. I'm so stupid. Elizabeth was distracted enough by her own problems to not see, but Spinelli – he saw right through me.
And then Logan showed up and I just panicked. I started acting like it was really great to see him when it really wasn't and even convinced myself that I still genuinely wanted to try again. Although, to be completely honest, when we kissed, it was sort of...repulsive? Oh God, I'm horrible! Logan's really trying and here I am saying that I don't like to kiss him! It's the truth, though! I was glad when Scott showed up and interrupted our liplock. I was glad that I had a chance to get out of there.
Without thinking, I'd walked myself to the Overlook. I've always loved the view and the Overlook is a nice place to just escape. It was so dumb to be standing there thinking over the things Johnny had said and done, trying to figure out which side of Johnny was the real one. And of course, like some clichéd romance movie, the guy I was thinking of actually showed up. It was odd though, because I just sort of sensed his presence, and when I turned around there he was! And he was just staring with those smoldering dark eyes of his.
Still angry about earlier, I made a sarcastic remark before he could open his mouth. He just ignored it and started talking like he had when we'd run off that second time, talking about his father and how he felt sorry for him. I felt bad for him and my anger just sort of melted a way and we were back to being friends, just like that. We were even sharing a few laughs when my father showed up.
He was drunk of course. Very, very drunk, and I could've killed him. He was supposed to be in the hospital and yet there he was, wheezing and drinking a bottle of God-knows-what. Oh look who's here, my beautiful little princess, he'd wheezed. I looked over at Johnny and the look on his face was pretty much like anyone else's when they meet my dad: that look of 'oh my God, this is your dad?' Anyway, my dad continued on as his gaze fell on Johnny. And the newly crowned prince of the underworld. That wasn't Johnny at all, but instead it was how everyone painted him. It always gets me so mad when people make that opinion before actually getting to know him, before they can see what a good person he can be when he really wants to.
He proved that when my father had another heart attack right then and there. He helped get him to the hospital when I was too panicky to be rational. Maybe it was just because he knew what it was like to have father problems, or maybe it was because we were friends, but whatever it was, I was so grateful he was there. It's gonna be okay, just calm down, he'd said soothingly during the drive to General Hospital. So there I was again, questioning the Johnny I was seeing to the heartless rebel he was always sure to turn back into. It's these moments of doubt that get me into trouble I know, but I guess just can't learn. And actually, I'm not sure I even want to.
There's this stupid, little voice in my head, a tiny little nuisance that's telling me that the real Johnny is the one that helped me that night. This was the same one that once looked back as he was being dragged away in handcuffs to tell me that he hoped everything turned out okay for me. This voice is different from the one I had with Logan. Then, I was just telling myself to take a leap of faith while ignoring my better judgment, but this voice...I think this voice might be from my heart.
Ugh, I shouldn't be thinking this. Not when I know that Johnny's probably bad for me. Not when I have a boyfriend. I promised Logan that I'd give him a second chance, and he really is trying. He was the one that was there for me when my father went into surgery. He was the one whispering comforting words and letting me get what I was feeling off of my chest. It's probably why I feel so bad, because in all honesty, the entire time that was happening; I was wishing it was Johnny rather than Logan.
Stupid, stupid Lulu. I should've been grateful for Logan. Here was a guy who was trying to be a better person and be there for me, and yet all I could think about – all I can think about – is Johnny. I even went to see him right after my dad got out okay, but ran into his jerk lawyer instead. Johnny not being there should've been a sign, but it wasn't. Instead, I went to go see Sonny and tried to speak on Johnny's behalf. I'm so stupid that I can't get my nose out of anything. Pathetic I guess, but what I felt was necessary, since Johnny had done so much for me. It didn't do much, since Sonny told me to butt out, but at least I'd go:ten someone to at least try and consider that Johnny's not all bad.
Again, I should've known trouble was brewing when I ran into Trevor rather than Johnny when I went to his house, but I ignored it. I was back to being a Spencer, saying to hell with safety and taking the risk. So when I got that note seemingly from Johnny telling me to meet him, of course I went.
Well, before I went, I stopped by Logan's to thank him for being there for me during my dad's surgery. I guess it's that guilty feeling that I get when I realize that I'm with Logan but am always thinking of Johnny that made me go over there with a plate of waffles. We talked for a bit, and he was really trying as usual, but there it was again when he kissed me. I had that feeling of slight repulsion. Put on paper or anywhere else but my mind, it sounds so wrong that I'm considering throwing away an actual shot with a guy who genuinely wants it for a simple maybe with a guy I know is dangerous. Somehow though, that little voice is still in my head telling me that what I'm thinking is somehow...right.
I left Logan's after that. I told him I was going to Kelly's. Lying comes so easily to a Spencer, so again I blame genetics. Anyway, I lied again when I told him I was babysitting for Elizabeth. He bought it easily enough, so I figured I was covered when it came to seeing Johnny. I didn't expect Logan to actually go to Elizabeth's to check on me, just like I didn't expect him to show up at the pier when I was waiting for Johnny. Is that a normal boyfriend thing, you think? I mean, I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but it's almost like Logan's some type of puppy dog that can't stop following me around...a stalkerish puppy dog.
Oh Lulu, stop it! I can't be mad at him for having trust issues. It's not like I don't have them with him! We ended up going to Kelly's for a cup of coffee. At first, I was impatient to see Johnny, but after awhile I was kind of happy I was there. I had my arm around him and we were talking to Georgie and I thought to myself, maybe this is where I belong. Maybe I really do want to be with Logan after all...but then Johnny walked in.
I swear to God, there's never been a more awkward moment in my life. I couldn't even look at him! Whatever thoughts I'd had about Logan moments before were completely clouded by the what-ifs I get whenever Johnny's around. It's wrong, but I can't seem to stop. And haven't I said this already? Ugh, see what he does to me?
Anyway, I guess he must have looked at me, because Logan freaked. He got all up in his face and told him to get his coffee somewhere else. It was like he was just asking for a fight. Luckily, Johnny didn't say anything. He just got his coffee and left. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him glance at me when he grabbed his cup, but I wouldn't look up. The last thing I needed was another reason for Logan to get territorial.
After Johnny left, I found myself in an argument with Logan. I don't know what it is, but it just seems like everything he does gets on my nerves lately. I mean, Johnny didn't even do anything to him and he was being a jerk! When I asked Logan why, he basically told me it was because he thought I had a thing for Johnny. It always pisses me off when people try to tell me what I'm thinking, but I hate it even more when they're right. But of course, I had to deny it to Logan and then I managed to get out of there to go see Johnny.
Looking back, I realize how pathetic I must have looked. There I was, anxiously awaiting his arrival; looking like such an idiot because I should've known something was up. Johnny never writes notes. He text messages me. How stupid was I to believe that the note had been from Johnny? I should've known it was a set up.
Before I could get two words out when Johnny came, we heard gun shots. We were ducking behind some boxes and I had no idea what the hell was going on. I should've been scared, but there's always something in Johnny's air that makes me feel safe, no matter what situation we're in. He got me out of there without a scratch on me, and then we were in the warehouse trying to find out what the hell happened.
I felt so stupid when he pointed out the note/text message thing. It made me put up my defenses again and I said something about why would he wanna see me anyway. He told me that it wasn't like that. He just wanted me safe. We got to talking and it took him a total of two seconds to decide that Sonny must have been behind the botched hit. I didn't believe it. I still don't. I tried telling him that Sonny would never hurt me but he just told me that I didn't understand the business. I was expendable to Sonny. Then it hit me again. Johnny's known nothing good in his life. All he knows is distrust. So of course he wouldn't believe that Sonny would never hurt me. Sonny has saved me countless times. I'm cousin to his ex-wife and daughter of his old friend, Luke! I knew better! That's why I challenged Johnny into finding out for real. We went to Sonny's, and what I heard scared the crap out of me.
Sonny wanted Johnny dead. He thought Johnny had done something, and he was pretty adamant about Jason offing him soon. We got out of there before anything could happen. He was convinced more than ever that Sonny had ordered the hit that almost had me killed, so he took me to Kelly's, thinking it was safe. He didn't want me anywhere near him and told me to stay out of it.
It's not like I was just going to sit there and do nothing when I figured I could help though. So I tried talking to Carly. She assured me that Sonny would never hurt me, and I convinced her to go talk to him. Perhaps it was stupid of me to keep poking my nose into Johnny's business, but I felt like I owed it to him.
Johnny didn't see it that way. I met up with him at the Overlook shortly after and he freaked. He just kept saying over and over that it was too dangerous to be around him and that helping him would get me killed. I wanted to yell at him for being so stupid but I never got the chance. Instead, he looked me directly in the eye, told me he didn't want to lose me, and planted his lips on mine.
I'm a girl with a boyfriend. I know what it's like to be the other person when cheating's going on, and even worse, I know what it's like to be the one getting cheated on in the first place. Now I was the cheater? Well, I actually didn't respond until the very end since I was in such a state of shock, but believe me, I enjoyed it. And that's why I hate myself.
I can't get the image of the look he his expression when he pulled away out my head. It had to be one of the saddest things I'd ever seen. This can't happen again, he'd whispered. It was like he was resigning himself to a lifetime of misery. I never knew how deeply he cared about me until then. It was like he needed to know that I was alive and well for him to be so as well. I know this because of that one sentence he never finished.
The rest of my life is garbage, but when you're around...it was the one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. I guess that's why I broke down into tears after he left saying that we could never see each other again. It was just this big, emotional deal where I knew that he was probably right but I hated him for it. I wanted him to be selfish. I wanted him to do the Spencer thing by taking the damn risk and taking all the spoils from it, to hell with the consequences. But he was being the Johnny I wanted wasn't he? The one who actually gave a damn, my hero, the one he was so afraid to let others see...
And of course, when I saw him again, it was like it never happened. I went to the hospital, dropped something, and he was just there like always, as if I'd conjured him up from a dream. After the initial awkwardness of the situation, we were sitting down and chatting easily like we normally did. Hell, he might've even taken me up on my offer to have breakfast with me if my brother hadn't showed up and ruined it. God, I know Lucky is trying to protect me and all, but sometimes I wish he would just take a page out of my dad's book and leave me the hell alone.
Maybe that's what Johnny thinks about me. It sure seemed like it the last time I saw him. Don't ask me why, but I just had to turn into that obsessive little girl again always sticking her nose where it doesn't belong...I went to see Sonny again. Of course, it went exactly like the last time I tried convincing Sonny that Johnny wasn't a villain and by the end of it, I was sure that Johnny would wind up dead if he didn't get the hell out of Port Charles. Perhaps it was because I was just worried for him. Perhaps it was my way of trying to get him out of my life so I wouldn't have to think about him anymore. Or perhaps it was what he accused me of when I met up with him that day.
He was being an ass again. I hated that. But what I hated even more was that he read me like a book. Scary how easily he could see what my real feelings were, but the mocking tone he'd said them in pissed me off so badly that I found myself wanting to hurt him.
"What do you want?"
"I want Logan." Liar. I was doing the Spencer thing, pretending I didn't care when I actually cared too much. I just wanted him to hurt. But those eyes of his just burned right through me and straight to the truth.
"No you don't."
For a moment, I felt like I hated him more than I'd ever hated anyone in my entire life, but the truth was that I couldn't hate him. Still can't. Maybe it's the danger, like he suggested. Maybe it's because I know he's a good person deep inside. And maybe...maybe it's because he genuinely gets me, understands how my mind works, and yet still accepts me for it.
"You're running from somethin' everytime you turn to him. I was just wondering if it was me..." Again, he knew exactly what I was thinking. Looking back, I kind of like that we've grown close enough that he has the ability to do that, but like I said, at the time I wanted to hurt him. So I said the meanest thing I could possibly think of after his next sentence.
"'Cause if I decide I want you, there wouldn't be any place you could go to get away from me."
"Now you sound as crazy as your father."
I almost can't believe that those words came out of my mouth. I know that Johnny's number one fear is becoming like his dad, and for me to say that (regardless of how hurt I felt) was just plain cruel. And what was so crazy about him saying that, anyway? It was the honest truth. I see him everywhere, whether it's intentional or by chance. There's no getting away from Johnny Zacchara. And since I'm being completely honest here...I'm not sure I consider that a bad thing.
And although I've admitted this to myself now, I still find myself clinging to Logan, turning to him as I run away from Johnny (like Johnny himself said), as if Logan can some how protect me from my real feelings. It's wrong to use a guy like this, to give him false hope like I did after that last encounter with Johnny. I told him I wanted to keep trying, which was the truth, but I left out the part about it being because I was scared of what I genuinely want. That's Johnny Zacchara.
I'm still tempted to blame the fact that I'm a Spencer, but let's face it: it doesn't even scratch the surface of why I feel the way I do. So how long can I pretend that my attraction to Johnny is just genetic?
How long can I pretend that my attraction for Johnny is anything less than my first real shot at love?