Rules for dealing with the Cullens

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, if I did Jake would be dead by now

Chapter One: The list begins

1. Don't bleed

Bella this means you. – Edward

Hey! I resent that! – Bella

After the fifth time that Carlisle had to stich Bella back up at their house this rule came up.

2. Try not to trip and fall

Again, I'm resenting the fact that everyone thinks I trip all the time. – Bella

Bella love, you do. – Edward

This wasn't really needed but Emmett thought it'd be funny to see Bella's expression when she read it. Bella hunted down a large stick and ended up whacking Emmett, consequentially falling and twisting her ankle.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, play baseball

Cause you will lose, badly. – Emmett

And if you somehow win, Emmett will sulk. – Alice

HEY! – Emmett

Emmett thought it would be fun to invite the senior class to play baseball against the family. Carlisle stopped the game before anyone got seriously hurt but Mike Newton ended up with a concussion and a bloody nose from being hit with a stray baseball at the very end. No one confessed to it.

4. Do not touch Edward's Volvo with anything less then reverence

Hey! I'm not that bad. – Edward

(everyone who reads this shakes his or her head and walks away laughing)

5. Do not start pranks

They'll never end. - Bella

Everyone knew how this rule came to being. The paint from the prank war was still not coming completely out and the carpet in the living room was now a shade of pink. The Newton house had been mysteriously repainted…..with paintballs.

6. Don't mess with Rosalie

She may look vain and air headed, but she'll make your life hell. – Edward

Don't we know it. – Jasper

During spring-cleaning the guys had decided Rose needed a new wardrobe and gave away ALL of her clothes to Goodwill. The next day Edward found his CD collection gone, Jasper was missing his books, and Emmett…well he was sleeping on the couch (technically speaking).

7. Don't bet against Alice

You'll never win, especially Eddie. – Alice


Everyone knew this by now, but some people coughEdwardcough needed to remember this. Bella ended up writing this on the list which now had a space right by the front door.

8. Don't try to break Bella and Edward up

You'll never succeed. – Jacob

How'd the mutt get in? – Edward

Bella. – Alice

After James, Mike, Tyler, Eric, Jacob, Victoria, and Bella's bad luck trying to tear them apart, they're still together. It was a pretty slow week so Alice threw this rule up in a fit of boredom.

9. Don't challenge Emmett to a video game tournament

Beating him is like kicking a dog. It's just not worth it. – Jasper

HEY! – Emmett

Em, BELLA beat you at Burnout 2. – Edward

We were in crash mode, and she's REALLY good at crashing cars with her bad luck. – Emmett

Esme decided to get into the swing of things by adding onto the list after hearing Emmett ranting in his room, to a doll. Nobody knew where he'd gotten the doll and nobody wanted to know.

10. Don't piss off Edward by letting Bella cliff dive and ride a motorcycle

If Edward doesn't get to you, Charlie'll kill you. – Emmett

When Bella was serving house arrest Edward decided to talk to Jacob about his reckless behavior and letting Bella risk her life. Jacob was actually worried for his life when Edward described exactly how he'd kill him if he let Bella cliff dive again.

11. Don't let Alice decorate for a party

So…much…pink. – Bella

Admit it, you liked it. – Alice

Not really. – Bella

After the catastrophe that was Bella's 18th birthday and the graduation party, no one wanted Alice to decorate again.

12. Don't race the Cullens

They're vampires, they'll outrace you anytime. – Bella

In a fit of testosterone-induced argument, Edward and Jacob ended up racing each other. Edward won easily and then wrote this rule with a cocky grin.

13. Don't bleed around Bella

She'll faint and then end up hurting herself in the process. – Edward

Hey! It's not my fault. – Bella

Bella, you're going to be the only vampire turned off by blood. – Emmett

After the biology incident, which was repeated when the school blood drive came around and she had to walk by everyone to get to the locker room. Thankfully Edward was there to catch her because if he hadn't, she would have fallen on the boxes of needles.

14. Don't try to kill Bella

It won't turn out well for you. – Jasper

When you think on how many people wanted to kill Bella and how many have actually succeeded it was only a matter of time until this rule came up. After this rule came up Emmett decided to keep a scoreboard. The official score was: Cullens – 3 Werewolves – 1 (this was argued but then everyone decided they merited a place on the board as they killed Laurent) Bad guys – 0

15. Don't let Alice dress you for any occasion

She'll go over the top. By a mile. – Bella

Admit it, you liked it. – Alice

Prom. Enough said.

Okay, that was chapter one. This was originally a list of things my friend KayLa and I made up to keep us alive in Algebra last year. So it's going to be sporadic. A lot of the rules are going to be kind of random so please be understanding.

Please review to tell me if you liked it.

Ideas are welcome and will be put into the later chapters.