AN: What to say, what to say. Well, this was not only the first fanfiction I ever wrote, it's also the most well known. I wrote it about a year ago, most likely over a year ago, so it's old. Really old. Which accounts for 'not as good as I am now' thing going on. I didn't really mess with it, I just formatted (well…as well as I CAN format), so it's still in it's original syntax and everything. Though it's an oldie, I still hope you get a laugh ^_~ Gotta love Duo and Heero.
Heero stood in front of his latest challenge.
"I will be the victor," he thought confidently as he dropped his pants, newspaper in hand, and mounted "the throne." Several minutes had elapsed before he was done. But awaiting him lay a horrible discovery: HE HAD NO TOILET PAPER!!
" Mission Incomplete," he stated in a monotonous voice.
He pondered over what he should do for quite some time before he reached a solution. With a shrill whistle he summoned his trusty ferret Max.
'Thank god I installed that ferret door leading to the bathroom,' he thought.
Within minutes Max arrived at his master's side. Quickly our hero scribbled a message on the empty toilet paper roll and gave it to Max.
"Take this to Duo, Max," Heero commanded. "He'll know what to do!"
Max gave a little growl to show he understood ran into the living room jumped through yet another ferret door and was off. Over hill and dale Max raced, past apartment buildings and townhouses, past Duo's Gundam Repair Shop and past Chino's…wait…STOP MAX! *Max looks questionly at author.* GO BACK!! *Max turns around and runs towards Duo's shop.* Eh heh heh heh *cough* anyway, past apartment buildings and townhouses until he reached Duo's Gundam Repair Shop. Max squeezed through a small opening in the garage door.
" Ah ah ah ah stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!" Duo sang into his wrench in a loud, slightly off-tune voice as he finished tightening the last bolt on DeathSythe Hell.
" Wow!" he exclaimed, taking off his headphones. "DeathSythe looks great!!"
All of a sudden he felt something small and warm bump into his leg.
" SPIDER!" shouted Duo as he grabbed his wrench and spun around, preparing to face the enemy.
Much to his surprise he was not met with a gruesome-looking tarantula, but an adorable little ferret that was holding a empty toilet paper roll in its mouth.
"Awwwwww, how cute," cooed Duo as he pulled the cardboard roll out of its mouth and sat down. On it was the message Heero had written.
Need toilet paper. Hurry.
"OH MY SWEET JESUS!!" Duo yelped as he leaped from his seat. "This is serious." Duo eyed Max. "I wonder how long it took that ferret to get here!! I mean by now Heero could have STARVED!!" he finished in a panicked voice. Quickly Duo penned a reply and gave it back to Max instructing him to return to Heero's.
" What's going on?" asked Hilde, who had come from the corner office to investigate when she realized that Duo was making more commotion than usual.
" Not now Hilde!!" cried Duo. "Time is of the essence!!" he added as he began to bolt for the door.
"Wait!" Hilde called after him. "Where are you going??"
"To fetch some toilet paper!!!" And with that Duo slammed the door.
"Men..." Hilde sighed, exasperated.
"99 bottles of beer on the wall" Heero sang in a barely
audible voice. He paused when he heard a scratching sound. 'Max must have returned,' he thought.
Just then Max scurried into the bathroom and dropped the toilet paper roll at Heero's feet. Heero picked it up and read what Duo had written back.
"That's my line," Heero stated blandly before he began to resumed his singing.
Going back to the God of Death.....
Duo raced down the street to get to the grocery store.
Duo looked back at the homeless man he had just tripped over.
"Sorry" he mumbled and continued to race down the street.
* 15 minutes later*
Duo crawled around the corner and collapsed on the sidewalk.
"Must…go…on" he panted. He gathered all his strength and struggled to his feet. He raised his eyes and broke
into a broad grin at the sight that met his eyes. He was there! At last he was at Mr.Cooper's grocery store!
" WOO HOO!!" Duo cheered as he ran through the automatic doors.
Duo sped down the isles frantically. He stopped suddenly in his tracks, for he thought he heard a familiar voice.
"Wufei?" he asked himself as peeked around the corner of a shelf.
What he saw was Wufei in the make-up aisle contemplating two different bottles of foundation.
"Is she a pale ivory or a peach?? Wufei asked aloud.
"Hey Wufei!," Duo called to him laughingly "I didn't know you wore make-up!"
"You will pay for this! MAXWELL!!!! " Wufei roared.
Duo snickered and continued to jog down the isles. As much as he liked to tease Wufei, he was on a mission, and there was no time for talking. He reached the toiletry aisle and walked down it for a little ways. Suddenly his eyes widened, and he let out a gasp. There was only one package of toilet paper left!
Duo turned slightly and noticed a middle-aged women that bore a strong resemblance to a fish eyeing the same package of toilet paper. So it was either him or the fishwoman eh? (insert western showdown music here). Their eyes locked.
All of a sudden Duo broke into a mad run heading straight for the package. Fishwoman let out a battle cry and ran forward as well. A smirk crossed her face when she realized she would reach it before him.
'Oh No!' thought Duo, 'If I don't do something she'll get the to the toilet paper first!'
Duo increased his speed to breakneck but it was no use. She was almost there!
A tortured cry was torn from Duo's throat: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
As if in slow motion, Duo grabbed a bottle of shampoo and threw it with all his might at the gloating Fishwoman, beaning her right in the head before she reached her prize.
"HA! HOW 'BOUT THEM APPLES!?" Duo shouted gleefully at the unconscious woman at his feet "THAT OUTTA TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH SHINIGAMI!"
He picked up the package of toilet paper and ran to the check-out line.
Duo sped down the street, plastic bag in hand, until he reached Heero's apartment. He opened the door quickly and entered.
"HEERO!" he called. "You haven't starved have you?! "
"No I haven't starved, you braided idiot, but I need some toilet paper!!"
"Right", said Duo as he passed him the toilet paper through the ferret door. "Here you go."
Soon Duo heard a flushing noise accompanied by the sound of a faucet, and Heero emerged.
"Much better" was all he said.
And so ends our story of.....
THE TOILET PAPER CRISIS!!