I don't know why, but I think Shelley's a pretty fun character. Probably because she's such a bitch. So here's a fic centered around her. The premise of this fic is loosely based on a song by Wheatus called "Teenage Dirtbag". Because I've lately become obsessed with music, this fic will mention a lot of different music by different bands. I hope some of you enjoy that. I know I did. Along with my other interests for writing fanfics, there's also the pop-culture issue (shown through the heavy music references in this certain fic) and the issue of social classes and crap. I included a bunch of that in this, too. I use the F-word a bit much in this fic because Shelley is a crass person, and therefore will curse more often.

Characters involved are:
Stan, Shelley, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Kevin, the Tall Goth (whom I've decided to just call Nicholas), Henrietta, Wendy, and various others.

The pairings of this fic include:
Nicholas/Shelley, Henrietta/Stan, Wendy/Stan, Stan/Kyle and more. I'll get there when I get there.

With that said, enjoy the fic.

Chapter One

Waking up in the morning was always a pain. It was even more of a pain when Shelley finally woke up enough to realize it was a weekday and she had to go to school. And, on top of that, she had to put up with her brother pitching a whiny-ass hissy-fit every morning when their mother would wake him up.

Honestly–why was she still waking him up when he was almost in high school? He had one more semester to go and then he'd be a freshman after summer break. He needed to learn to stop being such a pussy.

Even now she could hear him moaning. "But, Moooommm…It's too early… Give me another five minutes…"

"Stanley! I gave you five minutes twenty minutes ago! It's time to get up!"

"Come ooonnn…"

Shelley stomped into the room and stared him up and down. He just blinked dumbly, not realizing the urgency of the situation…or the fact that his sister was garbed only in a bra and boy-cut panties.

"Listen up, turd! You're going to stop whining and wake up!! You hear me!?"

Stan's eyes widened and he sat up almost immediately. "A-Alright, sis!" He jumped out of bed and made it up in a hurry. Satisfied, both Shelley and their mother left the room. She glanced back at him and sneered, pulling on her bra strap and snapping it against her collar bone.

"Good. And don't make me come back in there and kick your ass."

He shut the door in a hurry and got busy changing. Shelley just walked back into her room and put on a Prince CD, singing and dancing to "Guitar" as she dressed for school. That always woke her up.

Hot pink high tops. Zebra-print leggings. Brown shorts. Black long-sleeved shirt. White hoodie. Glossed lips. Mussed brown hair pulled into a ponytail on the side of her head, below her left ear. Black mascara making her eyelashes and blue eyes pop.

As she checked herself in the mirror, she flipped CD's. Iron Maiden this time. She grinned into the mirror, flashing a smile at her glass counterpart.

"I look good. Today's going to be a good day for me."

She smiled and fell onto her bed, listening to the best band of all time. A feeble knock on the door soured her up real quick. She glared, standing up and storming to the door. When she opened the door, she met her brother staring at the floor.

"What is it, turd?"

He looked up, looked away, turned a bit red. "Y-You look nice today, sis."

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't try to get me in a good mood by saying that. You ruined the precious few moments of bliss I have in the morning before I have to drive you and your loser friends to school. And for that, you're going to have to listen to my music in the car this time. None of that stupid shit your little best friend listens to. Coldplay is for gay guys and chicks who have soft hearts."

Stan groaned. "Awww! But Mom said–"

"Mom didn't say anything about you ruining my quiet time, did she!? She didn't say that I could give you consequences for ruining it! Therefore, all of you have to listen to what I want to listen to!"

Stan groaned and grumbled. "I can't help it if Kyle wants to listen to Coldplay…"

"Yes you can! You can tell him to stop being gay!"

Stan turned red with zealous anger. "He's not gay!"

Shelley just rolled her eyes. "Oh? And I suppose that makes you straight, too?"

Stan glared. "Yes, yes it does! Because we're both straight! And so is Kenny, and…well, I'm not sure about Cartman…but yeah! Me and Kyle are straight!"

Shelley just rolled her eyes. "Yeah, fatass is straight, too, I get it. Now come on. If any of your shitty friends are late getting ready I'm going to give you a thrashing when I pick you up from school today."

Stan groaned and headed down the steps. "Again…?"


Since Kenny lived right next to Stan on the other side of the train tracks, he was always picked up first. This was especially helpful since he almost never had anything else to wear, so he got dressed fairly quickly. Usually he showed up at the door right as they were leaving. Such was the case today.

Kenny hopped in the back seat, grinning madly, and took his place next to Stan. Cartman, as a rule, was shotgun, simply because he wouldn't fit in the back of her car with two other boys crammed in beside him. Shelley's car was a seven-seater, if they counted the hood or the trunk as a seat, which she certainly did.

She popped in the Iron Maiden CD and Kenny gave a loud, "Whoohoo!" She turned and glared, but he turned to Stan. "Shit, this is better than that gay crap Kyle listens to, huh? And it beats Cartman's taste. If I hear "Come Sail Away" or "Purple Rain" one more time I just might kill myself…again."

Stan smiled weakly, glancing off towards Kyle's house. Coldplay may not have been as good as Fall Out Boy, but it was better than Iron Maiden. His sister's taste in music was probably the worst thing in the world.

"Hey, Shelley, I see you're listening to Iron Maiden. That's pretty kickass."

Shelley ground her teeth and looked at the ass crouched by the window. She gave him the finger. "Go to hell, Kevin!" Kenny rolled down the window and Shelley pinched the bridge of her nose in unison with her brother.

Kenny, completely unaware, grinned madly and pointed at her seat. "I know! And she looks fucking hot today, too!" Kevin laughed and gave his little brother a thumbs-up.

Shelley glanced back at her brother, locking eyes with him. She pulled her hand over her chest, signaling for him to buckle his seatbelt before he went flying through the windshield. He winced and buckled it, knowing there wasn't even a seat to stop him, since he was in the middle of the back.

Kenny burst out laughing with his brother and Shelly jerked it into reverse, stomping on the gas pedal. The car went squealing backwards, out of the driveway. She jerked it into drive and straightened herself out on the street, squealing past the houses and away from the damned McCormick house.

Kenny, having forgotten to put his seatbelt on, was thrown into the seat in front of him and then thrown into the door beside him, which was, unfortunately, not closed all the way. The poor bastard didn't even have a chance to make a sound before falling out of the car and slamming his face into asphalt at a high speed.

Shelley gave a loud scream, knowing it had been a bad idea to leave the house after her brother had interrupted her moment of bliss, breaking the good luck she would be having today for looking so good.


Kyle's wasn't much better. He seemed to be at least ten minutes late today, and Stan had to go running into the house to check and see that he wasn't sick that day. Then, when they both got into the back seat, Kyle couldn't seem to take no for an answer.

"So just because Stan happened to compliment how nice you look today, you refuse to let me play my CD? I can't believe we have to listen to this shit because Stan was being nice to you!"

Stan patted his friend's shoulder. "Dude, just…let it be. I'm already going to get a thrashing today since you were so late. Please don't make it any worse…"

Kyle scoffed. "What!? She's still beating you up!? That's fucking messed up, dude!" He turned to the driver's seat in front of him and kicked the back cushion. "Hey, Shelley! He's your brother! Siblings are supposed to take care of each other! What's your fucking problem, you stupid bitch!?"

Shelley's fingers clenched the steering wheel and she looked in the back mirror. There would be no throwing him out of the car–his seatbelt was buckled and the door was locked.

Stan looked over at his friend worriedly, smiling a little and laughing. "Come on, dude… You're distracting her…"

Kyle ignored him and reached over the seat, flicking her hair. "Hey! Are you listening to me!? Stop beating up on Stan! He doesn't deserve your shit day in and day out!"

Shelley clenched her teeth and ground her molars together, beginning to breathe heavily. She was fairly close to the Cartman house. Kyle always directed his anger towards the fatass, so if she could just–

"Hey! I'm talking to you!"

Kyle yanked on her pigtail, causing her to stomp on the brake.

She screeched and they all jerked forward, only stopped by their seatbelts. Shelley seethed and seethed as Kyle grew very, very quiet. After a moment she opened up the door and unbuckled her seatbelt.

As she stormed out, her hand reached for the back car door, where Kyle was. She threw it open and both boys could swear the sound barrier broke when she started yelling.

"Get the fuck out of my car, you fucking shitheads! You might as well fucking walk to school!!!"

Stan unbuckled his seatbelt, swearing loudly and pushing at Kyle in an attempt to get out of the car. Kyle struggled for a bit, getting tangled up in his own seatbelt and book bag, before finally falling out of the car. Stan fell on top of him, but soon both of them scrambled up to their feet and dashed to the sidewalk.

Shelley slammed the door shut and sank back into the driver's seat, nearly closing the door on her fingers.

Kyle stomped his foot on the ground. "Shit, dude! You didn't tell me your sister could do that!!"

Stan had to practically scream into his friend's ear to be heard over the screeching of her tires. "Are you kidding!? My sister can do whatever she fucking wants!!!"


Shelley laughed wryly as she neared the Cartman house–there was Eric, all ready for school and sitting on the curb, waiting for her to pick him up. Of course, he had no idea his friends had pissed her the hell off enough to throw them out, so she really had no need to pick him up.

He struggled to his feet as she drove by, but something made her slam on the brakes. He went to the door and looked at the backseat, noting it was empty. As he climbed into the front seat, the weight shifted. Usually Kyle and Stan were able to balance it out somewhat, with Kenny being behind him and two heavier boys over on her side–and the middle–but no one was in the back to balance it out today.

He blinked and put his seat belt on, tossing his bag in the back, behind her seat. "Where the hell's your brother? And the other two…"

Shelley grimaced. "Shut up and stay quiet. The redheaded-bitch decided to yank on my hair while I was driving so I threw them out."

"Oh? Why not just Kahl?"

"Stan was pissing me off this morning and the other kid fell out of the car when I pulled out of the driveway and I couldn't feel bothered to go back for him." She began driving and he reached into the glove compartment for her CD case, seeing as they had roughly the same taste in music.

"Can I change the CD?"

She glanced at him and lifted her hand. She was very, very weary and just wanted some time to think, and she usually tuned out the music when she was driving. "Why not? Just shut up and let me drive, turd."

After some shuffling, the song "Guitar" started playing. She smiled a little and relaxed. "You like this song, too?"

Cartman nodded, though she wasn't looking over to see it. She glanced at him and he nodded again. She turned her eyes back to the road and grunted a little. "You can say yes or no if I ask you a question first."


She narrowed her eyes and glanced at him. "Usually you're more independent than this. Why are you being so obedient?"

"… …Yes."

She rolled her eyes and chuckled. "You can talk somewhat, just don't speak unless I ask you something. Now why the hell are you being so obedient?"

Cartman made a funny sound with his lips and teeth. "Tch. I'm not walking all the way to school!"

Shelley smiled. "Heh. You're a bit more tolerable than those other turds…even if you're one of them."

Cartman changed the song and glanced at her coolly. "I recall you said something like that when you babysat me years ago…"

Shelley turned to him and raised a brow. "How the hell do you remember shit like that? That was, like, aggravating."

He shrugged. "I dunno. I thought it was pretty fun… I enjoyed it a little."

She turned her eyes back to the road and flipped the song to something else to keep from blushing. Of course, she thought it was pretty fun, too. And even though he was four years younger, she had always had a soft spot for the fatass, though she'd never admit it.

The second they approached the middle school, he hopped out of the car, causing the weight to shift again, and walked over to the other side to get his bag.

He grabbed the bag and closed the door, knocking on her window before she could drive off. She rolled it down and stared at him with a dull look. She needed to get to school. He tapped the top of the car. "You look nice today, Shelley."

She stared at him, cheeks turning pink. "Th-Thanks…"

Cartman, however, just shrugged and walked away as if it was nothing. "Anytime, ho."