Ménage à Trois
brought to you by FT-sama
Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me.
I. Idiot-Shinobi's Guide to Love

Sasuke was told if you wanted a message portrayed, the best way was to use your eyes.

Or so said the 'Idiot-Shinobi's Guide to Love.'

Apparently your eyes give off a message and said message could easily be caught on by the person receiving the look.

And so, Sasuke was sitting at Ichiraku's, watching as the blond next to him wolfed down his fifth bowl, onyx eyes narrowed intensely at Naruto as he sent vibes of messages to him.

Naruto was aware of Sasuke's staring. He's been aware of it since they got there. Perhaps he should have been suspicious when the Uchiha asked him if he was hungry and offered to treat him to ramen, but his stomach always ruled over all other thoughts and didn't find anything suspicious until he was almost done with the first bowl and realized Sasuke hadn't stopped staring. Finishing his seventh bowl, Naruto slammed down his chopsticks and rounded on his raven-haired teammate.

"What the hell's wrong with you!? Why do you keep staring at me like that?"

Sasuke merely intensified his gaze.

Naruto faltered, feeling a foreboding sense of nervousness creeping up his spine. His Flight or Fight response wasn't telling him to fight, but make flight far, far away from the predatory stare of Sasuke. Why was Naruto feeling like a piece of meat under his gaze?

Sasuke was practically a hair's breath away as he leaned in towards the smaller Shinobi and gripped his shoulders, hoping to convey his message more powerfully.

"…GAAH!" Naruto shoved Sasuke off and bolted far, far away.

The Sharingan User blinked in confusion. Perhaps trying to tell Naruto to have man babies with him wasn't the right message to send?

"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan!"

The pink-haired medic-nin paused in her tracks, a stack of books piled in her arms as she headed towards the Hokage Tower from the library. She turned around at the familiar voice and stared in confusion as Naruto stopped in front of her, hands on knees as he sought to regain his breath.

"Sasuke-teme's being weird!"he finally got out when he straightened himself up.

Sakura quirked an eyebrow. "Isn't he always weird?"

"No! I mean yeah but he's being weirder than normal!"

"Like… how weird?"

"Like he offered to treat me to ramen weird!"

Sakura looked grave. "Hmm, that is weird."

"Sakura-chan!!" Naruto practically whined as he waved his arms hectically.

She cracked a grin. "Okay, okay. But that is weird, especially for Sasuke-kun. Maybe he's just trying to be nice?"

"I don't think so…" Naruto lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, and Sakura had to lean in to hear: "He kept staring at me with this creepy look the whole time I was eating!"

Sakura stifled a giggle and shook her head. "Maybe it's just a phase of his. Don't worry about it, Naruto."

He pouted, but sobered at her reassurance. "Okay…"

"Well, I'll see you around. I have to bring these books to shishou."

Naruto nodded and waved her off, beaming. "Let's have dinner later tonight!"

"Okay!" She called over her shoulder as she walked off.

Naruto looked stunned, hand paused in mid-air. He slowly lowered it to his side before a grin broke out on his face.

Sakura practically agreed to go on a date with him!

Victory was his at last!

"…KYAH! SASUKE-TEME WHERE'D YOU COME FROM? And will you stop staring at me?! ARGH!"


Sasuke tenderly touched the bruise forming around his eye before pressing a bag of ice against it.

He glared sullenly at his copy of 'Idiot-Shinobi's Guide to Love' but opened it up and skimmed through the table of contents. Something eventually caught his interest so he flipped to that page. There were pictures and descriptions in the chapter of men offering roses and chocolates and all kinds of gifts to their love interest, as well as the men taking their love interest out on a romantic, candle-lit dinner, followed by moon-lit walks through the town.

Sasuke creased his brows, the wheels in his mind turning.

"Naruto this looks delicious! Did you make it?!"

Naruto linked his hands behind his head and grinned. "Yeah I did!"

"I didn't know you could cook!" Sakura gushed as she sat down at the kotatsu with her legs tucked beneath her.

"Hehe! I'm not called the Number One Surprising Ninja for nothin'!"

Naruto didn't know how to cook. He had ordered takeout from a nearby Japanese restaurant and quickly put the food on dinnerware before Sakura arrived. She didn't need to know that, though.

"If I had known you could cook sooner, I would have agreed to have dinner with you long ago," Sakura joked as Naruto sat down across from her. Naruto grinned at her commenting, mentally kicking himself for not coming up with this idea sooner.They broke their chopsticks with a chorus of 'Itadakimasu!' before digging in. They spent the rest of dinner talking about their previous mission. Naruto had gone on one with Sasuke, and while he dictated the story, he came to the conclusion that Sasuke was acting weird then too.

"He kept spacing out on me while staring! It was freaky, Sakura-chan!"

The pink-haired medic raised a brow, before a dawning grin broke out on her lips. "Aa, I think I get what this is all about…"

Naruto looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"Sasuke-kun likes you!"

The blond looked aghast, albeit flustered. "Sakura-chan! How can you even suggest that?!"

"It's simple really," Sakura said matter-of-factly. "He keeps staring at you. He can't take his eyes off you. He offered you dinner – something Sasuke-kun wouldn't do for anyone. He's always with you, and he only ever says more than a sentence to you. Come on, Naruto. Even you have to see the signs."

Naruto opened and closed his mouth before huffing. "He doesn't like me! I don't like him anyway!"

Sakura sighed and shook her head. Denial.

"Anyway," Naruto sniffed indignantly as he quickly changed the topic. "How'd your mission a few days ago go?"

"It went… well…" Sakura looked oddly flushed as she suddenly avoided looking at her friend. Her cheeks were pink and Naruto narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"Well?" He prodded.

"Yeah… well…"

"Sakura-chan, I need more detail than that!"

"Well…" She worried her bottom lip, glancing at Naruto, and then looking away as she twiddled her thumbs. She was starting to remind him of Hinata when she became shy and nervous.

"You can tell me, Sakura-chan."

She nodded. "I… Aa… Naruto I think I like girls!" She had whispered the last part hurriedly, eyes wide.

Naruto stared at her with even wider eyes. He felt his whole world crumble and his heart shatter to tiny, microscopic pieces.

"Y-you… you like girls? Wh-wha-what makes you think that? Maybe it's j-just a phase!"Naruto nodded insistently.

Sakura shook her head and Naruto faltered. "You see, my last mission was a simple two week long escort mission. Well it wasn't really so simple since the Noble woman we were escorting was constantly being targeted by assassins. And, anyway, I was spending a lot of time with her… with…" Sakura blushed. "Her name's Cho. And… well… Aaa… I don't know!" Sakura covered her face in a display of embarrassment. Naruto could see her ears were as pink as her hair. "Cho-san is a very bold woman, you know? She's not afraid to speak her mind, or to let people know of her sexual preference. She kept hitting on me and I would ignore her advances but… then… I don't know what happened. One night we were talking and the next we were… Oh my god I can't believe I'm telling you this!"

It was at this point that the Kyuubi-vessel was torn between having a nosebleed over the fantasy images invading his mind, or be heartbroken that his life-time crush discovered she was a lesbian.

"…Maybe you're not all lesbian, but you like guys to?" Naruto decided to offer hopefully.

Sakura peeked at him between her fingers and giggled. "I know I like guys, too. I just… I think I'm bisexual."

Well that's better than just swinging one way, Naruto thought to himself with relief. He beamed at her reassuringly. "It's okay, Sakura-chan! I think it's hot that you like guys and girls!"

She lowered her arms and couldn't help but laugh. There was a feeling of relief she felt after getting that secret off her chest. She hadn't even told Ino, and she refused to include that in her mission report. "Don't tell anyone, okay, Naruto? Not even Sasuke-kun!"

He waved his hand. "Don't worry. I wouldn't tell him. And even if I did he wouldn't give any kind of reaction. But knowing what a creepy bastard he is he might find it kinky…"

Sakura shook her head amusedly.

"Ithink it's kinky," Naruto said as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

She rolled her eyes at him. "I'm not surprised."

"Are you interested in doing stuff with another woman?" Naruto asked, looking curious.

"Well…" Her cheeks turned pink again. "Yeah…"

"Because you know," Naruto winked, "I can always use my Sexy no Jutsu."

She laughed. "Cut it out, Naruto. That wouldn't count since you're, technically, a guy."

"But I would make a greatwoman!"

"I'm sure you would," she teased.

"…Er, I mean, a temporary one!" He tried to amend himself, obviously failing.

"Of course."

"Sakura-chan! Stop teasing me!"

Naruto was walking through the village with Sasuke. They had just gotten back from a mission and had already turned in their report to Tsunade. Sasuke suggested they go out for drinks to which Naruto wholeheartedly agreed. As they walked, they passed by a rose bush. Sasuke thought back to the 'Idiot-Shinobi's Guide to Love' and plucked a rose. He shoved it into Naruto's hand.

The blond blinked, turning confused, blue eyes to his teammate.

"For you," Sasuke said blandly.

"…Er… thanks…I guess…" Naruto muttered, staring incredulously at the Uchiha's back as he walked ahead of him. Naruto shook his head and hurried after Sasuke, the rose in his hand.

As they walked, Sasuke looked up to study the sky. The moon was full. The sky was clear. The stars were out and bright. The air was warm and inviting – a perfect,romantic night.

"Isn't the weather nice?" Sasuke inquired.

Naruto glanced at him from the corner of his eye. "Uh, yeah."

"Perfect, even?" He prodded.

Naruto scratched his cheek. "Sure."

"Almost…romantic?" Sasuke said suggestively. Naruto wondered when Sasuke moved so close to him.

The blond cleared his throat. "Yeah, sure. Um, Sasuke. I need to be direct with you. You're being weird and it's creeping me out. So, yeah. Whatever it is you're plotting… just drop it because I'm on to you!"

Sasuke stared as Naruto went on ahead into the bar.


He growled beneath his breath and pulled out the 'Idiot-Shinobi's Guide to Love' from inside his vest and chucked it away, resisting the urge to Chidori it. That idiot book wasn't helping him one bit!

From now on, he was going to do things his way. And his way meant getting Naruto drunk off his ass so he could take advantage of him.

With an almost predatory smirk, Sasuke stalked into the bar after Naruto.

Unfortunately Sasuke's plan didn't go as he wanted it to.

Instead of Naruto getting drunk off his ass, Sasuke was the one that got drunk – far too drunk to molest the Kyuubi-vessel. All he could remember was Naruto dumping him in his apartment before leaving him to fall asleep. And now Sasuke was nursing his pounding head.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme!" Naruto greeted cheerily.

Sasuke glared at him.

"Aa…" Naruto looked understanding. "A hangover. I told you, you shouldn't have drank so much!"

"Shut up, Naruto," Sasuke hissed menacingly, his tone promising a world worse than death if he kept talking to him.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun! Naruto!" Sakura waved at them as she came over.

"Sakura stop yelling," Sasuke groaned, holding his head more protectively.

She stared at him oddly, and Naruto mouthed 'hangover' to which she nodded in understanding. She reached into the pouch attached to her hip before handing two pills over to Sasuke. "Those should help with your hangover."

He popped them into his mouth and swallowed without a moment's hesitation.

Three hours later, when Kakashi finally showed up for their training, Sasuke's headache had subsided to a dull ache. While Naruto and Sasuke trained, Sakura trained with Kakashi. When they were children, their teacher had no qualms of fighting them with his face buried in his book, but nowadays he didn't take such risk. Putting his book in his vest, he gave Sakura his full attention and the medic charged at him head-on, her fists covered in chakra. Naruto and Sasuke were redecorating the forest as their reckless attacks knocked some trees over.

Their fighting eventually turned to bickering, which eventually turned to wrestling as they both fought to gain the dominant position.

Sakura and Kakashi stopped to look over. The Haruno woman looked exasperated at her two teammates as she stormed over. She grabbed Naruto by the collar of his shirt and pinned Sasuke down with a foot to his chest. He glared at her as Naruto struggled in her grip to get at Sasuke.

"Let me at 'im!"

"Naruto stop!" Sakura gave him a shake to emphasize herself.

He pouted and crossed his arms.

When Sasuke tried to get up, Sakura merely shoved him back down and returned his glare fearlessly. "You, stay down."

Naruto snickered at Sasuke.

Sakura glared at Naruto.

Naruto quieted with a frightened squeak.

"Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with you two! Especially you, Sasuke!" Sakura scolded, dropping the '-kun' suffix. Sasuke looked away. "If you like Naruto, just tell him! You too, Naruto!"

"I don't like Sasuke-teme!" Naruto said indignantly, appearing flustered for someone who didn't like another someone. "I like you, Sakura-chan! I don't care if you like women more!"

Sakura looked ready to clobber the blond. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "You like women?"

Her cheeks were an impossible shade of red. "Shut up, Naruto-baka!"

"Sorry, sorry!" he squeaked apologetically.

"You know what I think?" Kakashi suddenly interrupted them. His students turned their gazes to him. He had Icha Icha Paradise: Ménage à Trois special edition opened in front of him. He looked at them from over his book, eyes curved in an obvious smile. "I think you all like each other and should have a threesome."

They gaped at him.

Kakashi waved and disappeared, no doubt to indulge further in the newest series that Jiraiya had released for Icha Icha Paradise.

There was silence as the three members of Team Seven didn't move, each one contemplating what Kakashi had said. Sakura glanced at Naruto before looking over at Sasuke. Sasuke exchanged glances with her and the two narrowed their eyes, raking their gazes shamelessly over each other's body. The medic figured she had gotten over her crush over Sasuke a long time ago, but he washot and had grown into a very handsome, and a very nicely-built man. Sasuke, meanwhile, had a nice view of her legs and even he was aware of how nice and toned they were. All women were envious of Sakura's legs and figure, and a lot of men and shinobi in their village had no shame in ogling her legs whenever they could.

Naruto squirmed uncomfortably in Sakura's grip. Was it him or did it feel like Sakura and Sasuke were sizing each other up?

Their gazes eventually snapped to him and Naruto feared for his life. There was something scary glinting in emerald and obsidian eyes – something akin to hunger.

Sakura cocked her head and grinned wolfishly. Sure, she liked women, and now that she thought more about Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu offer, she realized that didn't sound like a bad idea. And Sexy no Jutsu or not, Naruto did appear almost… feminine. And Sasuke was bitchy anyway (a very feminine trait) so it all equaled out.

Sakura released Naruto and removed her foot from Sasuke's chest. The Uchiha stood up and Naruto straightened his shirt, looking shiftily at his two teammates as they maneuvered to either of his sides.

They were acting really creepy.

He gulped and attempted to change the atmosphere that was suffocating him: "Hey, umm, what's a threesome?"

But instead of the atmosphere changing, it only intensified as Sakura and Sasuke leered at him. Naruto stiffened when Sakura wrapped an arm around his waist and Saskue draped an arm around his shoulders. Naruto turned pink as they pressed themselves against either of his sides. Sasuke drooped his head down and claimed Naruto's bottom lip, making Caribbean blues widen and Sakura grinned as she lowered her hand down to his ass and grabbed a cheek. Naruto practically jumped as she stared at him, unabashed.

"How about we show you, Naruto?"

Okay, so, basically this is not really a story, but a story filled with SasuSakuNaru moments. Yay for threesomes!