A/N: Thanks for reviewing!
Note: The fish should definitely be dead by now, but for the purpose of my story, they're superfish. XD They just gained weight instead.
A few days later:
L kept typing.
Click. Type. Type.
"Hey! Panda puff!"
"I thoroughly regret telling Light-kun about panda puff. What is it?" L said, finally relenting and closing his computer.
"I want to cook you a decent meal," Light said firmly. "…But I can't do it with the chain on."
L looked over at the younger man sharply. "Kira-kun wants me to take off the chain."
"No! Light Bright wants to make you dinner!"
"Light-kun alludes to schizophrenia."
Light get out a frustrated groan and threw himself down so he was half-falling off of the couch.
L looked down at his overdramatic roommate and deduced that this whining teenager wasn't plotting any murders. Not presently, at least.
"Fine. One hour will be given to make me a meal."
"Yes!" Light sat up and went to hug L, but the detective held an arm out to block him as he fished the key out of his baggy pocket.
"Light-kun will not press his body up against mine any more than is necessary. I do not wish to smell his overly-rich peony shampoo, nor feel his-"
"Fine, you don't have to be a jerk!" Light interrupted, massaging his chaffed wrist once it was free.
"What will I be served?" L inquired, staring up at Light with huge eyes.
"Do you like fish?"
"Yes. Make me fish."
"Yes, sir," the teen muttered, bowing mockingly. He went into the kitchen with his usual confident strut and took out a frying pan, preheating the stove.
"Now I need the fish…"
Light hummed a little tune as he fished through the fridge. "Here it is!" He pulled out a fresh salmon, the last one they had.
"Som-u-where…hmhmhmhm…beyond-u th' sea…" Light sang quietly, twirling around with his prize. "My lover staaahnds-u-"
The fish fell.
"Dammit!" Light hissed, cursing himself. His cleanliness wouldn't allow him to eat the fish now – with L sauntering around with those filthy bare feet all the time, there had to be colonies of germs on the floor! And now it would stink if he just threw it away! He had to get rid of it.
"Light-kun had better be preparing my fish in there! I hear him singing!"
"Ah…Of course, Ryuuzaki! Coming right up!" Light stuttered, as he picked up the fish and opened the small kitchen window. "This is one hell of a fish!"
"I don't hear frying!"
"You will!" Light called back, launching the ruined salmon out the window. Godspeed, he thought. Dammit, what do I do now? He's going to think me incapable of making a simple fish dinner!
Then, something caught his eye.
The fish tank!
The fish were huge from the feeding frenzy they had had a few days back (the ones that hadn't gone belly-up), and Light's gaze rested on a particularly fat golden one.
It was perfect. He just had to get L out of the living room and then he could go in for the kill.
"Ryuuzaki!" Light called.
"You know that strawberry-flavored lip balm I have?"
"Light-kun possesses strawberry-flavored lip balm?" L asked excitedly.
Hook, line, and sinker. "Yeah, do you think you could get it for me? It's brand-new…"
"Where is it?"
"…In my drawer in the bathroom. Thanks!" Stupid bastard thinks he's going to use my lip balm. Oh well…time for the catch of the day!
Light grabbed a large bowl from the cupboard and swiftly made his way over to the fish tank. There you are! he thoughtexcitedly as he saw the yellow fish.
"Light-kun's lip product is not revealing itself to me!"
Light plunged the bowl into the tank and, surprisingly, caught the fish in it.
Just as planned! He scurried back into the kitchen. This sucker is heavy!
"Light-kun is a compulsive liar!" L proclaimed from the other room, stomping back to the couch.
"You just couldn't find it! Sorry!"
"Go back to work! I don't smell anything cooking in there!"
Someone's testy today.
…Now Light was faced with another dilemma: Killing the fish.
Can I really kill it? he thought, anxious. He looked down at the fish swimming around in the bowl. I have to!
Light took out a cutting board. Then he looked down and attempted to think of a way to get the fish out of the bowl…
Not coming up with anything, he stuck his hand in and held back tears when the fish's slimy body rubbed up against him.
"No way," he whispered, tearing his hand back out of the bowl. "That's disgusting."
"Is Light-kun talking to me?"
Light looked around frantically and, taking a deep breath, he grabbed a knife.
L frowned and looked up from his computer when he heard a muffled shriek come from the kitchen. "Is Light-kun having problems?" he asked.
"Ummm...Ah! No, no! I have it! I have it!"
The older man considered going into the kitchen, but then decided to leave Light to his antics. Instead, he opened up a website on fish care.
Light was a genius, after all; he could handle it.
"This is good fish, Light-kun," L said. He grinned across the table at the amber-eyed boy and sipped his miso soup. "Light-kun is a very good cook."
"Thanks. It's my mother's recipe," Light said with a blush.
"Why isn't Light-kun eating any of the fish?"
"More for you!" Light barked out quickly. He giggled nervously and his eye twitched a bit.
"If I wasn't so sure that there are no poisonous substances in this building…" L trailed off and ate some more fish. "…And there's the fact that Light-kun has been particularly moronic lately."
Light just sighed, but he jumped as L's phone went off.
"Yes?" L answered the phone, raising an eyebrow at Light's jumpiness.
Light watched as L's expression became more confused than he had ever seen it.
"A fish? A salmon?" L asked, looking down at his plate. He dropped his fork. "Our fish?"
Light stood and began to creep back into the kitchen.
"Thank you, Watari." L hung up. "Light-kun!" he yelled, storming after Light.
"Light-kun threw a fish out the window?"
"I didn't want it to stink up the whole place!"
"Does Light-kun know what kind of damage a fish can do when dropped from twenty stories up?"
"It can go through a person's sunroof, Light-kun. Luckily, it was a parked car and we can pay for the damage." L stepped closer to the younger male and Light cringed back. "Idiot. Clean up."
"Think before acting."
"I expect a cake within the hour as compensation for the shock that this fish incident has put me through."
Later, as L happily munched on his strawberry-filled cake, he watched when Light fed the fish much more gently than he had before. He looked on as the fish swam around, the red one, and the blue, green and yellow-
Where was the massive yellow one?
Naturally, L had memorized all of the eleven fish in the tank, and he distinctly remembered a gigantic yellow one. He couldn't have missed it! It had been there just that morning.
L looked up at Light's eyes. They were guilty eyes if he had ever seen them. L wasn't the world's top detective for nothing.
Light spun around. "What?!"
"Light-kun butchered the yellow fish!" L exclaimed, standing up.
"No I didn't!"
"It didn't grow wings and fly away!"
Light bit his lip as L's eyes bore into his. He buckled quickly under the intense scrutiny.
"Fine! I killed it! I killed the fish! You were pressuring me to make you a dinner, and I dropped the other one and chucked it out the window so you wouldn't know! I've got blood…chum on my hands! I admit it!"
"I admit it!"
"I'll never live it down!"
Light snapped his mouth shut and felt his cheeks getting hot. "Oh…"
"Light-kun's chances of being Kira have increased by twenty percent."
The teen looked up, angry. "What?! I felt bad-"
"If Light-kun is so barbaric about killing a fish, then killing a person would certainly be very simple for him. Light-kun's mental breakdown is just another useless display."
"Light-kun committed first-degree fish murder and fed the victim to me," L snapped, walking past Light and going into the bathroom to brush his teeth. "I am highly offended."
L sent an email out later as Light slept.
In England, Mello showed Matt and Near the security footage of Light crying while chopping up a fish.
It was the best blackmail material he had ever gotten.
A/N: See this here? (Points at crack.) This is what you guys get when MP is writing at 2:30 AM, has been up for roughly nineteen and a half hours, and is running on Pepsi and Valentine's chocolates. I apologize.
--Random Mello appearance. No, he's not coming back yet. Sorry. DX
Poor Light. Poor fish. Poor panda puff. I torture everything in this…
I threw in a few corny-as-hell fish phrases throughout this chapter, too.
What the hell is Light singing this time? Beyond The Sea, by Bobby Darin. Type in "beyond the sea" on YouTube and click the second one. You'll recognize it. ;-)
Please review! Or Light will throw you out a window!
Up next: Bicycling