Murderous Cat Ladies and Clothing the Streets
He's On The Sofa. AGAIN.
A/N: Co-written by Pen-to-paper Scribble and xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks. This is basically a fanfiction about the Marauders after they've left Hogwarts. They're all 20 at the moment. This is not in any way related to APG or WTF.
Disclaimer: All characters and locations belong to J.K. Rowling, apart from Rosa Willow and Eliza Traunt.
oOo Lily oOo
I woke up this morning. He was there. AGAIN. I shuffled over to the kitchen, cracked some eggs into the frying pan and looked around. He was still there. I finished my eggs, made a cup of coffee- the snoring began. If it wasn't enough that it kept me up all night, it had to cause me a constant annoyance throughout the entire morning as well. I scowled, throwing my magazine down on the table. I stormed down the hallway and into my bedroom. James was sleeping peacefully; his black hair flopping rather adorably into his closed hazel eyes. He was so cute when he was asleep. So quiet...
"JAMES! JAMES, WAKE UP!" I hissed, shaking him vigorously awake. James groaned, rolling over and pulling the pillow over his head. I glared. "GET UP NOW!"
"What is it?" He mumbled.
"He's there. Sleeping on MY sofa." I told him.
"Well what do you expect, Lily? He does live here," James replied irritably. My cheeks flushed red and a scowl appeared on my face. James had disappeared under the covers and I yanked them off, angrily.
"No, James, he does not LIVE here. If he LIVED here, we would be paying rent but as he does not pay rent or in fact contribute at all to this household, I would have to say, no, he does not LIVE here at all!" I said. James still hadn't bothered to open his eyes.
There was the sound of footsteps and then a head poked around the side of the door. "Oi, not to be rude or anything, but could you keep the noise down? Merlin, it's like a man can't even get any sleep in his own house!" Sirius said, wiping his eyes groggily.
"HIS OWN HOUSE?!" I whipped around to look at James for back-up. James had indeed opened his eyes now and propped himself up in bed. He was staring groggily at Sirius, an apologetic look on his face.
"Yeah, sorry about that Padfoot. We'll keep it down." James said.
"Good," Sirius replied, nodding sternly. He retreated back into the living room, leaving me watching him go, my mouth opening and closing in the way a goldfish did. I turned back to James. He looked at me.
"We were being a bit loud, Lily," James reasoned with me.
"You... are... unbelievable!" I said slowly, trying my hardest to control my anger. James grinned suggestively, looking me up and down. "I DIDN'T MEAN IT IN THAT WAY... I... You... I'm going to work."
I spun around and stomped out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, ignoring James' pleas for a goodbye kiss. Sirius was standing in the living room, peering at me from over the top of the sofa. "Sirius, you are an insufferable ignoramus."
"I'm a what?" Sirius asked blankly. I rolled my eyes. "Did you make me any breakfast then?"
"Are there any eggs left?" Sirius asked, giving me a look that clearly said that he thought I was the dumbest person on the planet. I had had it.
"You know what Sirius? Get off my couch!" I said through gritted teeth.
"But I haven't got anywhere else to go-" Sirius started to protest.
"Oh no, I mean, you can move into the bedroom straight away! You've been upgraded! Congratulations, you've hit the jackpot- your prize is getting to sleep next to a git who has a fondness for sleeping in the nude." I said, my chest heaving up and down as I struggled to breathe through the anger. Breathe in... breathe out...
Sirius just gawped at me, looking slightly disgusted when I mentioned about James' sleeping habits.
"Well, you might as well! You've already taken over my living room; you might as well have my bedroom too... no, why don't you take the whole flat? NO! Wait! You can have my boyfriend as well! He seems to care for you more than me!" I exclaimed.
"Lily, don't be so stupid. I can assure you that James is not gay. He only cares for me more than you because he's known me longer. It's natural!" Sirius replied to me.
I let out a sort-of shriek of frustration and yanked open the door, suddenly finding myself face-to-face with Eliza, whose hand was hovering in mid-air, ready to knock on the door. "Oh... is it one of those mornings?" she said, taking in the expression of fury on my face.
"I don't know what's got her knickers in a twist. You'd think getting a good-"
"SIRIUS!" I interrupted, furious.
"- would make her happy, but clearly not." Sirius said, quickly stopping when he saw Eliza waving her hands to stop. "Err... I think I'm going to go back to sleep..."
I threw him a dirty look, before stepping out of the flat and closing the door behind me. I grabbed onto Eliza's arm and stomped down the hallway, not in the mood. I just wanted to get to work as soon as possible. "Lily, this may seem like a weird question to ask but... why was Sirius standing in the middle of your living room, wearing only his boxer shorts?" Eliza asked me.
"Don't even go there," I muttered. We had reached the end of the corridor and I pulled out my Ministry card, tapping it against the wall and then touching it with my wand. A fireplace appeared behind us. I pulled out some floo powder, stepped into the fire and threw it in the air. "The Ministry of Magic!"
oOo Remus oOo
I was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping my tea and looking at the job openings in the newspaper. I knew there was no point really, as strangely there was no job that had listed 'required: a werewolf' underneath it, but it had become a habit. There had been one job, now that I think about it but it turned out that they were looking for a werewolf to experiment on and as there was a risk of losing one or more limbs, I had hastily decided against taking it.
I had just spotted a job opening at St. Mungo's for a brain pickler and was reading it with a mixture of amusement and disgust, when the doorbell rang. "Peter," I called out. I took another sip of my tea. The doorbell rang again. I sighed. "PETER. DOOR." There was no answer from Peter's bedroom, so I closed the newspaper and walked over to the door.
"Sirius," I said, slightly surprised to see him standing outside my door in just his boxers. "Err... you didn't consider putting on some clothes before coming to see me?"
"I need you," Sirius told me seriously.
"Now, Sirius, we've had this conversation before- I'm not that kind of guy," I said, grinning slightly.
"Not like that, you moron! Just let me inside! I'm freezing out here and your next door neighbour's eyeing me up!" Sirius whined. I leant out of the door and looked down the hallway, catching sight of Mrs. Cat Lady (we didn't know her actual name), grinning seductively at us, still wearing her pink dressing gown, fluffy slippers and with rollers in her hair. I raised a hand in uncertain greeting, before grabbing Sirius and pulling him inside.
"I swear that lady creeps me out," Sirius said, looking through the peep hole in the door. "She's still there! She is watching the door! She is actually waiting for me to come outside again!"
"Sirius, would you like some coffee?" I asked him.
"She's got a knut or two short of a sickle that one. I'm telling you, there's just something not right about a woman who knowns over a dozen cats!" Sirius continued to mutter to himself.
"Milk?" I said, pulling the milk carton out of the fridge.
"Who calls a cat Mr. Spanky anyway? Fluffy, yes, but Mr. Spanky?!" Sirius exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Here you go," I said. I placed the cup down on the table and sat back in my seat, re-opening the paper. Sirius finally turned away from the door and looked at the cup.
"Coffee? Why did you give me coffee? I hate it. I like tea, remember?" Sirius complained, sitting down and staring at the cup.
"Oh well," I responded, turning the page. "So... what brings you here in your boxers if it's not to seduce me or Peter?"
Sirius looked up from the cup, unimpressed. "Oh, you read me like an open book," Sirius said sarcastically. "I came for Peter. Where is that sexy little minx?"
I grinned. "Sirius, how could you break my heart like this?"
"Hmm, not the only one," Sirius said.
"Shut up," I replied, looking up from the paper and glaring slightly. Sirius went silent and took a sip of the coffee, making sure to kick up a huge fuss by pulling a series of disgusted and sickened faces.
"I came here, actually, to ask if I could stay here for a bit... rentfree..." Sirius said quickly.
"What? I didn't catch that last bit." I replied.
"Rent free," Sirius repeated, giving me a pleading look.
"Sirius, we already have someone who is actually paying to sleep on our couch," I reminded him, sighing.
"Who?!" Sirius asked indignantly.
"Some man that Peter works with. His wife kicked him out of his house last week, after she caught him in bed with another woman." I explained.
"Really? Sweet Godric, women over-react sometimes," Sirius said.
"It was the third time she had caught him," I replied, not bothering to look up from the article on cauldrons I was reading.
"And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, matters like this should be left to the professionals like myself," Sirius announced. I choose to ignore this comment, instead rolling my eyes from behind the paper.
A few minutes passed in silence, when I realised something. "Shouldn't you have been at work half an hour ago?" I said suddenly.
"HOLY SHIT." Sirius said, jumping to his feet and almost spilling the thankfully cold coffee all over himself. He raced over to the door.
"Clothes!" I called after him. Sirius skidded to a halt and ran into my room. "Sirius, what are you doing in my room?" He re-appeared, wearing a white t-shirt and pulling on a pair of my jeans.
"Borrowing your clothes," He replied, rushing back to the door.
"No way. Hey! Sirius! Give them back now!" I shouted but Sirius had already apparated.
oOo Sirius oOo
"Mr. Black, this is the third time this week you have been late and it is only Wednesday!" Mr. Barniggle lectured me. I restrained from rolling my eyes and nodded instead. "I'm afraid that if you are late again then we will have to... let you go..." Mr. Barniggle stopped talking, looking absolutely appalled at the mere mention of having to fire someone in HIS cafe.
"Is that all, Mr. B?" I asked, eager to get back behind the counter and continue chatting up the busty blonde I'd been serving just minutes before Mr. Barniggle had so rudely interrupted.
"I'm glad to see that you're eager to get back on the job, Mr. Black. That shows admirable spirit and enthusiasm." Mr. Barniggle declared, beaming at me and wiping a tear from his eye. "Anyway, off you go now..." He ushered me out of his office and closed the door. I was almost positive that Mr. Barniggle had burst into tears of hysterical happiness at the prospect of an employee wanting to work at HIS cafe but shook all such disturbing thoughts out of my head quickly.
I went back behind the counter and was glad to see that the blonde girl was still sitting on a bar stool. I flashed her a smile and sauntered over, leaning casually over the counter. "So... now that I know you, wouldn't you like to, err, get to know me a little bit better?" She smiled coyly back.
"Well, that just depends if you play your cards right..." The girl replied. She was leaning closer to me. I could smell her floral perfume. I was only inches away from her now, giving me an extremely nice view down her top and at her D sized cleavage.
"SIRI!" A voice exclaimed. I looked around in shock, as Eliza walked over to me and smiled brightly.
"Err, Eliza, what are you doing here?" I asked, irritated, trying to show that I was busy.
"Well I was on my lunch break and I decided to pop in and thank you for the flowers. They were so beautiful. Tulips, as well- you never forget, do you?" Eliza said, smiling sweetly and stroking my cheek. I was completely confused.
"What are you on about?" I asked. I looked at the girl. She looked shocked and angry.
"What?" The girl said.
"Eliza, what are you on about?" I said, narrowing my eyes at her.
"The ones you sent this morning. You really are the most romantic boyfriend anyone could wish for!" Eliza exclaimed. I stared at her, mouth hanging open. I turned back towards the girl but her hand collided with my cheek in a rather painful slap before I could try to explain.
"You sleaze bag! Trying to two-time your girlfriend!" The blonde shouted. She bent down, giving me one last glance of those glorious breasts that I would never get to see again, picked up her bag and walked straight out of the cafe.
I rounded on Eliza. "What was that for?"
"Justice." Eliza replied, sounding satisfied.
"What the hell?" I said.
"Oh, just hurry up. We're ready to order." Eliza told me angrily. She walked back over to the table, looking quite pleased with herself. I watched her go, grumbling as I grabbed my parchment and quill and headed over. I spotted who was with Eliza and glared.
"Wow, Eliza, I see what you mean; that really is a lovely shade of red," Rosa stated, looking at my cheek with clear amusement. Eliza nodded in agreement.
"Definitely. Much better than most blushers you can buy nowadays." Eliza said.
"I thought you were ready to order," I said, annoyed.
"I'll have a cheese toastie please," Eliza answered, setting her menu down and waiting for me to write it down. I noted it down and waited for Rosa to say what she wanted.
"Hmm... well, let me see... I was going to have the croissants... but that lady over there just got a fried breakfast and it looks really good... but... on the other hand... there is the soup of the day... tell me what is the soup of the day?" Rosa asked, looking up at me expectantly. I tried my hardest not to start swearing and forced a polite smile.
"Chicken soup," I replied.
"Oh. Right. Has it got those little bits of chicken in it?" Rosa said.
"Well it is chicken soup, what else do you expect to find in it?!" I told her. Rosa looked thoughtful, nodding slowly. Eliza was glancing at her watch.
"No offense, Rosa, but could you please hurry up and stop messing around? My lunch hour ends in ten minutes and I have to pop in at the Post Office before I go back to the Ministry," Eliza exclaimed.
"Ok. I'll have the croissants then please," Rosa told me. I glared at her, before scribbling it down and heading back to the counter. I handed the chef the orders and waited impatiently for him to cook them, watching Eliza and Rosa with irritation. The door opened again and a stern looking man entered the cafe. He walked over to Eliza.
"Table 4, orders are ready!" The Chef called. I took the plates from him and walked over to Eliza's table.
"Eliza, I really must hurry you-" The man was telling her.
"Tommy!" I greeted, grinning and trying to hide my amusement as an expression of slight annoyance appeared on his face.
"Thomas, Sirius, it's Thomas," Thomas reminded me.
I shrugged. "Whatever."
"Eliza, we really must hurry up! Otherwise we'll never have time to pick up that package. The new radio... we have to listen to that show tonight!" Thomas exclaimed impatiently.
"What show?" Eliza asked uncertainly.
"That one about the mating habits of flobberworms," Thomas said. Rosa snorted at this remark. I was smiling to myself. Eliza looked exasperated.
"Do we have to?" Eliza replied.
"Wait, if you're listening to this flobberworm crap-" Rosa exclaimed.
"-The mating habits of flobberworms," Thomas corrected her, rolling her eyes.
Rosa blinked. "Yeah that's what I said. But if you're listening to that, what about me? You'll obviously be in the living room. Where am I supposed to go?"
"Ah yes, Rosa, I meant to talk to you about that. I really think you ought to be giving Eliza and myself a bit more space... after all, we are in a relationship and I know that you don't know what that's like at the moment... but, well..." Thomas said, giving her a pitying look. He patted her arm in a sympathetic way. Eliza gave Rosa an apologetic look.
Rosa gawped at him. "It's my flat!"
"Our flat," Thomas said. Rosa opened her mouth to argue when an owl swooped into the cafe and dropped a letter on the table in front of everyone. I grabbed it before anyone else could and looked at the address.
"Who's it for?" Eliza asked.
"Me," I replied.
"It says my name too actually!" Rosa said, trying to grab the letter. I glared and opened the letter, making sure she couldn't read it. "What does OUR letter say then?"
"There's a party at my flat," I told them all.
"One galleon that Lily doesn't have a clue about it," Eliza said.
"Eliza, you should not be betting. How can you be sure you'll get your money back with these people?" Thomas asked, looking horrified.
"These people?!" Rosa exclaimed angrily.
"Thomas, let's go," Eliza told him quickly, getting up abruptly and dragging him out of the shop before an argument could start. "Rosa, I'll pay you for it later," she called over her shoulder as she left.
"That bastard..." Rosa said, shaking her head in disbelief.
"Eliza isn't a bastard," I told her, frowning..
"I wasn't on about her!" Rosa replied.
"... then who were you on about?" I asked, confused.
"Forget it." Rosa said. She put the money on the table, grabbed her croissant and left the cafe. I rolled my eyes and went back behind the counter.