By Jyun Hwa

Pairing: RyoEdo, implied JohaJuu, OtogiEdo.
Warning: Yaoi, swearing, emo, etc.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.


Relationships aren't always perfect. I envy those who have it so perfectly. For example, Juudai and Johan. Those two have everything in common. They're basically soul mates in all ways possible. What's more, they both had their first time with each other. It can't get more perfect than that.

I, on the other hand, can't say the same for myself. I don't even remember my first time. And I've slept with at least a good dozen of people before I hooked up with my current boyfriend. That's all it really is… we hooked up. That's what all my relationships are. They never last too long. They know that eventually I'll move on to some new guy, so that's what they expect of me and don't bother staying around. It's kind of annoying how lowly everyone thinks of me. I'm not that bad, am I? Well, maybe my past contradicts that, so they have every right to assume such behavior out of me.

I'm currently going out with Marufuji Ryou. We're both in the pro-league and that's basically how we met. He didn't like me at first and I could tell that. I think it was my attitude that rebuked him most. I think he knew about my sleeping around and therefore decided that I did just that to get to the top and into the pro-league.

I didn't care at that time. It didn't matter what he thought of me because I didn't know him. But I did manage to prove him wrong after we dueled against each other and he found me worthy of an opponent. He still disliked my attitude, although he continued to stick around me. I don't know why he stuck around me. Perhaps he wanted to sleep with me like the rest of them did. Well, I granted him that eventually, but I'll get to that later.

At that time I was going out with an older guy named Otogi Ryuuji. I knew that he was having side affairs with other people, but he always acted really natural about it and still acted all sweet around me, so I tried to ignore it. I wasn't too happy about it, but I still slept with him.

One day I came over to his place and saw him fucking some chick.


I paused at the doorway to Ryuuji's bedroom, my eyes glued on the site before me. I couldn't move.

He turned around when he noticed my presence and spoke ever so casually. "Oh, hey sweetie. Can you get dinner ready? I'll be done in a few."

I still can't believe he had the nerve to say such a thing in that situation. My fists clenched at my sides and my eyes visibly narrowed in anger. "You... You fucking son of a bitch!!!! We're done!!!" With that, I ran out of there as fast as possible.

Then he had the audacity to finish what he was doing and then run after me.

After he caught up to me he grabbed my wrist roughly, pulling me towards him. By that time I was openly crying. I hate crying in front of anyone but I couldn't stop it then. "What the…? What's wrong, Edo?" he asked, looking concerned.

"What the fuck?! What do you mean by 'what's wrong' you piece of shit!!!" I slapped him across the face. "I said we're done! Go back to your little fuck buddies!!!"

"What?! It's not like you're any better, you bitch!!!" he yelled back at me, smacking me across my face.

Just my luck, Ryou happened to have been walking past and saw this. He ran up to me as I dropped down to the ground, supporting my weight. "Phoenix?" I ignored him.

"What the fuck did you do that for?!" I continued yelling at Ryuuji.

He looked smug. "Like that for example. You were probably sleeping around with people like him behind my back anyway, so why the fuck can't I?! You have no right to end our relationship over this, you little slut!"

"I never—"

Ryou interrupted me, glaring at Ryuuji. "What the fuck are you talking about? I never slept with him." His glare was enough to silence anyone, and it surprised me back then that I've never noticed it.

I then spoke again. "Just get out of here. You have enough fuck buddies to satisfy you without me."

He stared at me with scorn before turning away. "Whatever. Who the hell would want to stick around you anyway? You're just a little whore, after all." With that said, he walked away.

Those words really hit me hard. I realized even then that he was right in saying that. But it did get me to break down crying again, and in front of Ryou too. I wondered why he didn't go beat the crap out of Ryuuji then for saying that, but it was probably because he agreed.

"Edo, are you alright?" he asked. I ignored him and continued crying. He reached over with his hand to touch the cheek that Ryuuji hit, lifting my face slightly. He stroked my cheek with his thumb as if willing the pain inflicted upon it to go away. The way he looked at me surprised me a little since he always seemed to hate me so much. "He's not worth it. Don't cry over him," he tried, pulling me into his warm embrace.

"H-He just…" I started to speak. "He just… didn't care that he was doing some chick right in front of me… It's one thing to do it behind my back…"

He put his hands on my shoulders to push me back so that he could look in my eyes. "Listen, just forget about him. He's not worth it if he does it behind your back either. It's still being disloyal."

I couldn't help myself then and leaned up to close the distance between our lips, drawing him into a kiss. It was for consolation, but that led into other things and eventually we ended up in his room having sex.


We've been dating for a month since then, but I don't know how much longer this will last. A month is usually the limit for me before I get caught up in sleeping with someone else. It's nothing I can help either, and I don't want to hurt Ryou with it. Although, I don't really think he would care at this point. He's been hanging around his old friends Fubuki and Asuka lately, and they seem to have much more in his interests than I ever had or will have. We haven't had sex for about a week now, and it's kind of hard on me to keep a relationship going without that.

Maybe I should just drug myself and end it the fastest way possible… I'm sure it would remove stress from a lot of people. And Ryou can find himself a boyfriend or girlfriend worth his time, who won't just want sex all the time like I do. But yet again, I can't bring myself to do it. Because I'm a coward. I guess I'll hold out a little longer until this relationship goes down the drain with the rest of them. That shouldn't take too much longer after all.

I wish I could have something perfect for once. A perfect relationship, like the one of Juudai and Johan. I wish I could be completely open to someone, without having to pretend. I wish someone would accept me the way I am. I wish I could change to meet people's expectations. I wish a lot of things. But none of them will ever come true due to these circumstances… So maybe I should give them a rest.

Screw this. I don't want to burden Ryou any further… But I already attempted suicide once in the past month, so a second time might get me sent to a mental hospital if I get caught.

When did I attempt suicide? I believe it was two weeks back. It was basically for the same reasons I am depressing over right now. Ryou walked in on me with a blade to my neck, and because he surprised me, I accidentally made a cut. It hurt a lot even though it was just a cut, so I'm kind of scared of doing it again.

I had him worry over me back then, and I don't want him to worry over me again. He kept telling me how I was perfect and not to do this to myself. Perfect? That makes me laugh. I wish I were perfect. The only perfect thing I have is my body, and even that is tainted by the countless amounts of sex. But whatever, I'll keep living until Ryou decides to finally break up with me. Then it won't really matter. Because I think that I love him. For the first time ever, I think I'm in love. And once I lose him, I won't have anything left to live for.