It was hard to know what love is. I had never understood people when they said it, that they were in love with someone. I just thought it was a little word that people told each other. I didn't understand the full meaning behind the words. Maybe it was being raised in the world where everyone said it to anyone. Or maybe it was the fact I lived with divorced parents all my life, and had never witnessed love myself.

Not even when I started dating girls did I really truly understand what love is. But I did know one thing, that I never told a girl I loved her. From what I had been told by some people, love isn't a word you threw around. And me, being a guy who didn't really fully understand what the word meant, didn't dare throw it around.

But these past few years, I thought that maybe I now knew what love is. Because of one girl. We started dating the last six months out of those three years ago. Her, Lilly Truscott, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, with long blonde hair, and gorgeous blue eyes. I had never once told her how I felt about her, but I almost had a feeling that she knew. In some strange way, she knew.

Everytime she muttered my name, I melted. As a guy, that might be an unmanly thing to say. But you won't tell anyone, right? What do I care? As long as Lilly still lets me into her life, I don't. She has this way of looking at me, and I don't know, it just does something to me. Something amazing. Something I can't explain at all.

And right in this moment in time, I am watching her, doing her homework. She looks breath-takingly amazing, her blonde locks pushed behind her ear, as she looks down at her history book, her pen nervously tapping the book as she searchs for an answer to question ten. The same thing I am supposed to be doing. But I can't help but keep my eyes on her.

I love her. It's not hard to admit when I'm talking in my head, or writing. But lately, I don't know. Something seemed wrong. I don't know if it's me, or if it's her. Maybe she doesn't feel the same way I do, and I'm just now realizing it. Maybe it's me becoming scared, or maybe even becoming obsessed with her. I don't know what's happening to us, but I wish it wasn't.

"Lilly?" I finally ask.

Her head slowly picks up, as she stares into my eyes. For a moment I can't say anything, I just become lost in her eyes. "Yes Oliver?" She asks, waking me up, and making me once again melt.

"Has something been wrong with you lately?" I ask, looking at her.

She's nervously looking at me, her mouth opening and closing. Her eyes are going back and forth all over my face, before she says, "No. Nothing's wrong with me."

"Are you sure?"

She isn't saying anything. Maybe there is something wrong with her. Something she doesn't want to tell me. I want to know what this something is. Right now.

I never knew perfection till

I heard you speak, and now it kills me

Just to hear you say the simple things

"Lilly?" I reach over the table, and put my hands over her. She pulls away. "I know something's wrong."

"Why would you even say that?" She asks, looking confused.

"Lately Lilly... you've just been... I don't even know... offish." I say, with my hands still outstrengthed.

After several seconds of her staring at me again, she begins, "Maybe it's because you've been around me so much lately. I think you're suffocating me. Oliver, I think you maybe are in this relationship more than I am." She leans halfway on the table, her hands out infront of her again, yet not touching me. "Oliver... how do you really feel about me?"

I sit up all the way, a little shocked by the question, but then again not. "I like you Lilly. You're an amazing girlfriend."

She sits all the way back again, and rolls her eyes. "That's not what I mean Oliver. Do you just like me, or is it something more?" She impatiently looks at me.

I lightly shift in my seat, nervous. "What do you mean?"

She then bangs her fists on the table in anger, or annoyance, shaking my kitchen table. "You know what I mean! Do you like me more than just liking me? I seriously need to know."

Now waking up is hard to do

And sleeping's impossible too

Everything's reminding me of you

What can I do?

I was now looking down at the table, I was about to tell her. "I'm in love you." I say, as my head begans to look up.

"In love with me?" She asks quietly. "Why are you in love with me?"

"Because... you're amazing. And everytime I hear you my breath is taken away. And you are so freaking beautiful Lilly. There's no other way to explain it. I would seriously do anything for you. And I would die just to know that you are safe. I live for your smile, and the funny little things that you do. I just know I'm in love with you Lilly Truscott, and that's all that matters to me." I put my hands on hers again, and this time she doesn't move them.

She looks at me, bewildered. "We've only been dating for six months." She quietly says.

"I've loved you for way longer than that. Even when we were just friends."

"Oliver..." She now moves her hands. "That is kind of weird. I mean. I don't know how else to say it, but I don't love you in that way. I care about you a lot. But I don't see you in that sense."

"Then why are we dating?"

"I just thought that we would have fun with this. I did have a little crush on you at first, but now I don't really." I look down at the table. "I mean come on Oliver, we haven't even kissed. Didn't that kind of make it obvious?"

I look up again, tears slowly forming in my eyes. "Just because we haven't kissed doesn't mean I can't love you. Besides, I thought we were just taking it slow."

She looks at me, like I'm some kind of stranger. "Slow as in six months?! That doesn't even make sense. You're insane." She stands up, and begans gathering her books. "Maybe it's just better that we break up now. Since you seem to think we're perfect for each other, when we're obviously not." She began to walk away.

"Wait? Break up?" I follow her.

She turns around, and looks at me. "Yes. Oliver..." She puts her hand on my shoulder. "We're better of friends. I'm sorry it had to end this way." She kisses my cheek. "Call me when you're ready to be friends again." Then she walks out of my front door.

I watch her walk away in the little window on my door. I sigh. Lilly has no idea how much I can never be just friends with her.

It's not right, not ok

Say the words that you say

Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe we're better off this way

It's better that we break

I am walking up to my room, slowly yet surely. My feet are dragging really badly, and I can't help but begin to cry. Maybe I was just being weird about the whole thing. Or maybe I'm just blind. I didn't realize she didn't feel the same way. I was so wrapped up in feeling the way I did, that I didn't even began to think how she might think of me.

Finally getting to my room, I push the door open, then loudly close it. I walk over to my bed, and land on it. I quickly move under the covers, and began to look around my room. Seeing pictures of Lilly, Miley and I everywhere. And even though Miley is in the pictures with us, they're still hard to look at.

The tears are now covering my pillow. I wish that I could just make the pain go away somehow. Usually seeing Lilly would do the trick. But now that I knew that she for sure doesn't love me, that would only make things worse.

I grab the iPod off of my side table, and search through all my music. Maybe the sound of something other than my own tears will help calm me down a little bit. Finally I'm deciding to play Maroon 5, the sounds of the song If I Never See Your Face Again filling the earpieces.

A fool to let you slip away

I chase you just to hear you say

You're scared and that you think that I'm insane

As the music began to fill me up, I was in such the weirdest mood that I began to dance. Instead of staying in my bed like I orignally planned, I got up, and decided to dance insanely around my room. Letting all of the anger out by punching the air, and every once in a while kicking it.

The dancing marathon continued, taking up as much as time as I hoped it would. As the song switched into chorus, I began to sing out of the lyrics. "IF I NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN I DON'T MIND!" Jumping around in a weird manner. Only thinking in the back of my mind how strange the lyrics are to the situtation.

Then I'm by my window, and I remember that I live right next door to Lilly. I can see her backyard as I dance, and of course I stop. Usually I can see beautiful beach if I look far enough, but right now all I can see is Lilly sitting. I watch as she carelessly flips her hair. She is talking on the phone. I would think to Miley, telling her about what happened, but no, her mannerisms are showing what looks like flirting. Was she already talking to another guy?

I'm done dancing, as I pull the earphones out of my ears. I slowly walk back to my bed, and once again go under the covers. And before I knew it, I was asleep.

The city looks so nice from here

Pity I can't see it clearly

While you're standing there, it disappears

It disappears

"Oliver." Someone called for me.

I looked over to see Lilly, sitting at the end of a movie theatre row. The seat next to her was open, and she looked really eager for something. "I'm coming." I shouted, my voice sounding a little lighter than usual.

I walked over to her, excited to get to sit next to her. More excited than I had ever been before. "Hello cutie." She said, and kissed me full on the lips.

Kissing back, I brought my arms around her, and held onto her tight. She broke the kiss, and looked at me, "That's a little less than what you usually do." She laughed, and I laughed back, having no idea what she was talking about.

"What are you talking about?" Dream me obviously wanted to know.

She laughed again. "You know that usually by now you've felt me up like six times. And you know that's the way I like it." She smirked at me. Then lifted up the seat arm between us, and leaned against me, and I put my arm around her shoulder. "I love the sound of your heart beating." She said, making her fingers walk up my chest.

"I love you." Dream me decided to say.

She looked up at me, and said, "I love you too." And began to make out with me.

I of course made out with her too, grabbing her boobs, as she told me to do earlier. In a weird way, this is always what I wanted with her. Even if it was kind of weird. I wanted us to be that comfortable with each other. Suddenly I felt a tounge being slipped into my mouth smoothly. And I responded by doing the same thing in return.

Dream me was having an amazing time. And I was strangely jealous of him. If that even makes any sense.

But as the dream became more intense, I wake up to my cell phone ringing. Which was probably a good thing.

It's not right, not ok

Say the words that you say

Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe we're better off this way

It's better that we break

I blindly search for my cell phone, and find it successfully without knocking anything over. I look at the screen to find Lilly written on it, and a picture of us sticking our tounges out, the same tounges that were touching in my dream. Just great. I know I shouldn't answer it, but of course I do. Only because I'm in love with the girl. "Hello?"

"Ollie. Good. You answered."

"Yes?" I ask meanly.

"I didn't mean it. Any of it. I've just been confused lately. And I realized while sitting here, that I do still want to be with you." I can't believe it, she wants to be with me still.

But as I'm listening to her talking I can't help but feel like maybe if I start to date her again this whole thing might happen again. "Would you stay with me though?" I ask, not letting her finish her rant.

Saw you sitting all alone

You're fragile and you're cold, but that's all right

"I think so." She says.

"You think so?"

"Well yes."

"I really don't want I think so."

"I know Oliver. And I'm sorry. But I can't promise anything in this life, because what if I end up breaking that promise? I hate breaking promises. You know that."

"Love should be something you don't have to worry about breaking."

"I know. But maybe if we just give it some time..."

"You know what I think? Maybe this whole thing is just so you aren't lonely..."

"Oliver no. It's not that at all..."

"Good bye Lillian. Hopefully we can be friends again someday, but I don't think that time will be anytime soon." And as much as it was paining me, I hung up.

Life these days is getting rough

They've knocked you down and beat you up

But it's just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

I lay down on my back, looking up at the ceiling. Then randomly I turn around, and open one of the drawers on my side table. I bring out one of my writing notebooks for when I needed to get my emotions out, and a pen. I turn onto my stomach and began to write. Just write. Actually I write what you're reading right now. And now I am here.

Maybe now I knew what love was. Or maybe I just thought I knew what love was. If this thing with Lilly hasn't worked out the way I wanted, maybe she isn't the one I'm meant to love. Maybe there's someone better waiting for me. The person I'm really meant to love. If this feeling of how Lilly makes me feel isn't even love, I can't wait until the real thing.

It's not right, not ok

Say the words that you say

Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe we're better off this way

Wow, it has now been six years since the last time I've opened this book. Yet I've now opened a crisp new page, and have decided to write in here again.

Are you a little confused? Well the last thing I wrote as a high school senior was the rest of what you have read. But now I am out of college, and right now I happen to have the job of a doctor. Dr. Oken to be exact. But I still write in my spare time, hoping to maybe someday to get that big break with my writings.

I'm not fine, not ok

Say the words that you say

Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe we're better off this way

I'm letting you all know, that there was life after Lilly. Sure it hurt like hell for about a year after she broke up with me. But I decided almost right away that I didn't want her in my life anymore. I realized that if she was going to treat me like that I didn't really need at all, whatsoever. So after high school I moved to Michigan, and went to college there.

While I was a sophomore in college I met a beautiful brunette with moving green eyes named Isabelle Oliver, as strange as the last name is. We almost right away, decided to date.

After a year and a half of dating I knew I was truly in love with this woman. Everything I had ever felt for Lilly was nothing compared to this feeling. Isabelle and I did almost everything together, but never once became bored with one another.

Then after we graduated, I proposed. We married only a few months after that. We had a baby nine months after that. A boy named Johnny Oliver Oken. The most beautiful little boy I had ever seen in my entire life.

So in the end, Lilly breaking up with that one day was the best thing to ever happen to me. I just didn't know it at the time.

It's better that we break, baby


(So you honestly have no idea how much I kinda don't really like the beginning... BUT I like the ending... it didn't end up as I planned it to, but I like it... reviews would be lovely. And I know this is random, and you probably don't care, but strangely this was playing when my ex boyfriend broke up with me. haha... Oh and another thing... Johnny Oliver is the name of my dinosaur build a bear that I got on my birthday. haha. Random fact.)