TITLE: Sex, War, and Robots
DISCLAIMER: All glory to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen.
RATING: Call it a hard T.
"I tell ya, without the love of a good woman, ya got nothin'," Bender philosophized brashly and very loudly. "Why, if I didn't have the floozies beating down my door, I would have jumped into the biggest volcano of the volcano planet Volkono years ago. Yes, siree..."
"Bender, please!" the Professor shouted. "We're trying to make Fry feel better about being a pathetic dateless loser!"
"It's okay," Fry said, gently setting down the Disintegratron. "I just can't stop thinking about Leela." Fry lamented. "I feel like we're doing the Bartman of heart: two steps forward, two steps back." He punctuated this statement by slumping his head into his arms with purpose.
"It's not like that," Bender comforted him.
Fry perked up slightly. "It's not?"
"Naw, it's much worse," Bender corrected with gusto. "First off, you're thinking of Paula Abdul's 'Opposites Attract,' not 'the Bartman...' but that's an easy mistake," he offered diplomatically. "And second, with you two, it's actually more like one step forward, three steps back. See: completely different."
Strangely, these heartfelt words failed to cheer Fry up. "I would have been better off never being born."
"Absolutely," the Professor warbled in agreement. "But all hope's not lost, you just have to remember the words of President Dre's Second Inauguration Speech: 'if you can't record scratch with the one you love, love the one you record scratch with.'"
Fry raised a dubious eyebrow. "You expect my to just forget the greatest love of my life like it was nothing?"
"Why not?" the Professor asked. "I did."
"And with this handy cream, you can, too," Bender advertised crisply, brandishing the item.
"So, I guess I should start looking for someone can build a meaningful relationship with, huh?" Fry mused.
"What are you, a woman?" Bender scoffed a Benderish scoff. "What we need to find is a girl so blind and promiscuous, she'll even have sex with you."
"The very concept defies all scientific reasoning!" the Professor denounced. "It cannot exist."
"I tell you it can!" Bender cried, pounding the table emphatically. "But there's only one man in the Universe who can find it."
"Oh, yes, it's ladies' night and the feeling's right. Oh, yes, it's ladies' night. Oh. What. A. Night," Zapp Brannigan "sang" as he sauntered his way through the halls of the Nimbus. "Kif, is everything underway for tonight's singles cruise?"
"You mean the doop Emergency Situation Preparedness Inspection?" Kif asked with the usual air of desperation.
"Yes, yes, whatever," Zapp replied, completely brushing him off. "As long as there will be a steady supply of supple women waiting to be 'Branniganized.'"
"Um, remember the last time you tried that?" Kif chimed in.
Zapp snorted in contempt. "We won that war with minimal losses."
"We lost the war and whole worlds were decimated," Kif corrected him.
"Kif, you're a real downer, you know that?" Zapp bellowed.