Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Sirius Black was terrified out of his mind.
Stealing a glance across the common room at Remus, he saw the other boy look up from his book as though he knew that Sirius was staring at him, and sent the black-haired boy a subtle wink and a smile. Sirius grinned back, even though he was not in the mood to grin at all. He was watching his anxiety slowly grow – grow so much that Sirius was sure it would crack open his head just to get released.
His damn heartbeat wouldn't even slow down.
Yes, Sirius was supposed to be the sort of man who knew his way around. But the truth in it all was that he didn't.
He was a rather pathetic sixth year, as he was not only homosexual and in love with his best friend, but he was also a virgin and nobody else in the room knew that. James, Peter, and Remus all thought that Sirius had a few birds up in the dormitory before. And Sirius had, but definitely not to have sex with them. And it scared him knowing that he and Remus had come to a mutual agreement that they were going to have sex tonight.
He didn't even know where everything was.
With a strangled sort of groan, Sirius checked the clock on the wall. It wouldn't be long before Remus would stretch on the armchair and traipse up the stairs, expecting Sirius to come with him.
How was Remus so calm and collected?
Remus was worrying.
There was sweat on his forehead in trickles and his hands were feeling like treacle tart. Sticky treacle tart. Except that Remus' hands would never taste as good as gooey chocolate.
Remus brushed the single strand that always fell into his left eye behind his ear for the thirty-sixth time that day even though it was still securely tucked out of Remus' face.
His fingernails were short and stubby from eating them in anxiety, and when Remus examined them later with despair he sighed.
A clock ticked.
The fire crackled.
The portrait hole lurched open.
So did Remus' stomach.
Clutching at his thighs for support, the tawny-haired boy shook his head in a hope for clearing his stomach of that awful lurching, but instead he just brought all of his hair to cover his eyes irritably. He tried desperately to focus on his book, but the lines were all just fuzzy blobs walking around the page.
Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on him, so he looked up and gave what he hoped was a confident and flirtatious smile. He winked at him, making Sirius grin in a way that did look confident.
The fact that Remus and Sirius had come to a mutual agreement of what was going to happen tonight, it scared Remus silly. Sirius had experience – probably males and females. Meanwhile Remus had never got farther then a few heated kisses.
Pathetic, Lupin, Remus thought, mentally smacking himself. What were you thinking, agreeing to go to bed with Sirius Black?
James and Sirius and Peter always told him that Remus was the smartest, cleverest in the group, but Remus most certainly was not. He was a foolish and impulsive thinker.
With slippery fingers he tried to regain his grip on his book.
"This is insane." Remus murmured to himself under his breath and into the book. "Sirius will understand if you tell him that you're an inexperienced and inept lover. Maybe."
Sirius watched fondly as Remus mumbled to his book, probably reading the lines to himself. How could the boy be so… unnerved?
In a wave of panic, Sirius thought: what if Remus expects me to be great? What if Remus thinks that I'll just take control of everything because I'm the experienced one?
He wanted to throw up. Sirius was getting dizzy and woozy and perhaps even a little feverish – would that be enough to get him out of his task tonight.
Could he fake a dramatic attack? Seizure? Anything like that; Sirius was a good enough actor to pull it off. Perhaps James and him could pretend to get into a fistfight. No one can have sex with a bloody nose!
Sirius was grasping at straws now. His heartbeat was through the roof and so was his brain. Awkwardly and clumsily, Sirius got off of the armchair and ran to the dormitory bathroom.
Remus watched with wide eyes as Sirius ran unceremoniously up the staircase to the dormitory. Does he expect me to follow him? Remus wondered. Uneasily, Remus put his book away and shakily got up. He was swaying on the spot. Sirius had looked so eager when he had walked – no, he ran – up the dormitory. Remus couldn't turn him down.
Worrying his lip, Remus very slowly made his way to the staircase.
When he made it to the landing, Sirius was nowhere in sight. Not on the beds, not rearranging bed sheets or sprinkling rose petals. But Remus soon found out where his boyfriend was when he a lurching noise from the bathroom.
Hand over his mouth, the young werewolf rushed through the open door and to Sirius' aid. Sex or not, Sirius was throwing up into the toilet, and that was the main concern for Remus.
Hurriedly, Remus smoothed back the black hair that fell into Sirius' forehead.
"Poor thing," he soothed gently, "what happened to you?"
"Would – would you believe it if I said nerves?" Sirius croaked hoarsely. "Nnergh." He said as he dipped his head further into the toilet.
Remus let out an awkward laugh. "Yes, yes, the great Sirius Black is nervous about sex…" he chuckled uneasily. Sirius echoed it with equal levels of discomfort.
There was a strange silence in the bathroom as Sirius steadied himself on his knees cautiously.
"What did you eat for dinner?"
"Ididn't eat." Sirius replied, his face frighteningly pale.
Remus didn't bother to question why Sirius had denied himself dinner. Instead, he helped Sirius up from the floor and smoothed out his shirt. He soothingly rubbed Sirius' shoulders, looking slightly panicky.
"I'm – uhm – going to go change. I'm rather tired."
He saw Sirius' eyes widened, and then a flicker of a smile flinted over his face. Remus felt flutters explode in his stomach, and felt that he should be ducking over the toilet now. Remus had hoped that the "I'm tired." alibi would have worked in dropping a subtle hint of that he was going to bed and alone, but Sirius only took this as encouragement.
"Uhm, yes, to change." Remus rambled, and stumbled out of the bathroom. When he was out, he leant against the wall breathlessly. He could almost feel the heart attack creeping up on him.
Sirius burst through the door to the dormitory bathroom, almost throwing himself onto the floor and over the toilet. He only hoped that Remus wouldn't follow him up here. Watching his boyfriend vomit over a toilet was not that much of a pleasant image, especially not if only a few minutes after he and Remus could be making out in the bathtub.
But Remus did follow him.
After he gagged helplessly with a lurch from his stomach, Remus hastily bent down next to his friend.
Despite his anxiousness, Remus' cool fingers on his forehead did restore him back to health again. Putting his hands on his knees, Sirius remained staring into the pool of water in front of him, even though the danger of throwing up was basically gone.
"Poor thing," Remus calmed, playing with the hem of Sirius' hair, "what happened to you?"
At the sound of Remus' voice, so controlled and steady, Sirius did want to throw up again. He clutched at his stomach before he croaked out:
"Would – would you believe it if I said nerves?" he muttered truthfully.
Remus laughed, and Sirius could feel a bit of a nervous edge to it too.
"Yes, yes, the great Sirius Black is nervous about sex…"
Remus certainly didn't sound too happy. Sirius grimaced uncomfortably, attempting to stagger upward, but only ended up grasping at his knees for support.
"Whatdid you eat?"
Yes, yes, Remus was worried about the garlic breath, was Sirius' first thought, until he realized that Remus thought he was throwing up out of a case of bad chicken.
"Ididn't eat." Sirius responded, and was about to point out that he was too anxious too when he felt Remus hoist him up from the floor. Sirius struggled to regain his footing, but did so anyway. He felt Remus' gentle fingers kneading slightly on his back to calm Sirius. It didn't do anything for his nerves, feeling Remus' soft hands caressing his skin.
"I'm – uhm – going to go change. I'm rather tired."
Sirius' eyes widened in shock. This was probably Remus' hint telling him that he was ready now, Remus was impatient and tired of all of the sitting in the common room and vomiting in bathrooms. Sirius tried to smile encouragingly, but only a faint grin splashed across his face for a second or two.
"Uhm, yes, to change." Remus mentioned again. Remus was very, very ready and Sirius was so frankly very, very not ready. With a gulp the black-haired boy tried to nod in understanding but Remus was already hurrying out of the bathroom.
He swiftly grabbed a toothbrush and scrubbed vigorously at his mouth. He tried to take his time, and it was an easy task as Sirius' fingers kept trembling and hence loosing their grip on the toothbrush. Finally the Animagus gave up and simply rinsed out his mouth.
Why was he so nervous? Most people in the Gryffindor common room had had sex before, yet here Sirius was, the labeled lady's man, who was afraid of sleeping with the boy who he was in love with.
Sirius gave one more glance at himself in the mirror to make sure he didn't look too muddled after vomiting into a toilet. Smoothing back his hair, Sirius darted from the bathroom and saw Remus tucked into his bed and almost engulfed with the pillows, nose buried in book.
The Animagus walked forward, willing for his stomach to calm down. He grasped the book out of his boyfriend's hands and gently kissed Remus' temple.
"How are you?" Remus asked.
"Good. I've stopped throwing up."
Remus gave an awkward laugh in return. "Well, yes, I suppose that's good."
They stared uneasily at each other before Remus cleared his throat and Sirius uncomfortably climbed into the bed, butterflies attacking his brain.
"So." Sirius said.
"So." Remus replied, obviously inept to what came next. Sirius unnervingly put a hand on Remus' wrist and his other hand in the boy's tawny hair. Leaning forward with an uneasiness he usually never had around Remus, he kissed the other boy.
He felt Remus tie his lips together like a knot, and thought: well, that's not right, but Sirius wasn't doing it right either. Pulling away from the other boy with a smacking sound, Sirius smiled awkwardly. With a nervous chuckle, he pressed their lips together again and put his hand around Remus' hip.
Remus pulled away this time, laughing uneasily but connecting their mouths yet again. Sirius felt clumsy now, his forehead trickling with sweat and his hands hot. Blunderingly, Sirius climbed on top of the tawny-haired boy, not breaking the graceless kiss. Sirius even dared far enough to crack open one eye to see if Remus was lying unconscious underneath him.
It was when Sirius finally challenged himself enough with encouraging chants within his head that he kept his hips from hovering and actually lowered them gently onto Remus' that the werewolf frantically broke their lips apart from one another breathlessly and scrambled to the other side of the bed, the sheets wrapping themselves inelegantly around his ankles.
"I'm sorry, Sirius." He panted, his face flushed.
"I – what?" Sirius gasped, something in the back of his mind floating to the front: Remus knows you're no good now. He felt all that uneasy touching and now he's had enough of Sirius Black. They were petty reasons, but Sirius was not in a normal, logical state of mind.
"Look, Padfoot, I love you a lot, I do – and I know I haven't told you that before, but I just can't sleep with you. I feel like I'm going to throw up myself if I sleep with you. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I wasn't prepared for tonight. My nerves got in the way of – of you and I don't want to have a night like this tonight without me being fully into it. I'm so sorry."
Sirius smiled softly to himself. Leaning forward, he used his fingers to cup Remus' cheeks in his grasp. He kissed Remus gently, shortly, before pulling back with a grin.
"I love you too, Moony. And I – I really did throw up because of nerves."
Remus almost toppled off of the bed in surprise. "But – but you're Sirius Black. You've slept with girls. And boys, for all I know!"
Sirius shook his head feverishly, his hair flying around his face. "No!! That's just it, I haven't!"
"Are you telling me that you're a virgin, Padfoot?"
"I – yes."
Sirius had expected gaping, a comforting pat on the shoulder, or maybe even a heavy snog on the lips to let Sirius know that he wasn't going to be a virgin forever. But instead, Remus laughed loudly, throwing his head back and chuckling himself hoarse. After Sirius got over the initial shock of his boyfriend's unexpected action, he gave an indignant little tut, giving Remus a small shove on his shoulder.
"Stop it, you!" Sirius told him, teasingly poking him in the stomach. Remus' laughter turned abruptly into a ticklish squeal.
"Fine, fine, I will… it's just… you're the last person who I expected to be… to be so inexperienced!" Sirius could tell that Remus was clenching his teeth to avoid more spurts of snickers. The dark-haired boy quickly silenced him by pressing his mouth firmly onto Remus'.
"Mmm." Remus moaned, his arms tangling themselves around Sirius' body, before he hastily pushed himself away. "Wait, wait. You love me too?"
Sirius stared into Remus' frighteningly intense eyes, framed by small ebony lashes. "Of course I do, you dweeb." And he kissed him again tenderly for a few seconds, before he disentangled himself from the smaller boy and straightened out his robes.
"I was bloody terrified out of my mind about this night." Sirius confessed.
Remus chuckled. "My hands felt like treacle tart."
Sirius turned to face his boyfriend avidly. "Did someone say treacle tart? Yum." Licking his lips, Sirius gave Remus one more kiss before he snuggled up close to him.
"Well, I'm happy with you just like… just like this. And when the day is right we will have sex." Sirius said confidently, Remus nodding along.
"Yes. Just please, oh please, let's not do it on a schedule."