Standard Disclaimer Applied

Standard Disclaimer Applied

This is a CRACK-fic. Be warned.

I command you to ENJOY!

The Ultimate ANBU Test

Written by purpleblush017

A man stood there, high and mighty, giving no sign of fear as he listened to the warning.

"From here on out, it'll be dangerous."

As if that'll scare the pants off Uchiha Sasuke, the last lineage of the Uchiha Clan. Finally being able to accomplish his vengeful goal, with Itachi's head as a trophy, Sasuke feared no one. Not the dead bodies that he sees everyday, neither the live ones lurking in the shadows. No one.

"Are you sure to continue the ANBU test?"

"Yes." No doubt.

"Even though it's at the cost of your life?"

Sasuke gave an unenthusiastic nod. "Aa."

"You might die."

Uchiha Sasuke had killed an Akatsuki member, the yielder of the strong Mangekyou Sharingan. He's been in battles where his body was buried half on the grave and he came out barely alive, but still alive. Surely, risking his life was not an issue here.

"We won't be liable for your death."

He sneered, growing impatient.

How could he? How could they presume that the last and final part of the ANBU exam could kill him? He, the—Uchiha Sasuke. Haven't they seen him in action, in the battlefield where his strength is put to the test? He might actually be more skilled than all the the ANBU combined.

"I'm not going to die." Sasuke stated as if it was an obvious fact.

With that assurance alone, the man whose face was hidden in the wolf mask standing in front of the door gave a curt nod and stepped aside.

"You may enter."

It might have been a while since Sasuke had started walking aimlessly in the dark alley. With no form of any light to guide the way, the alleyway gave a cold and dark ambiance. But Sasuke couldn't care less.

He had survived the first three parts of ANBU exam. Being able to pass those grueling, mind-blowing and exhausting tests is already an achievement. From the ninety Jounins who applied for the exam, only three have survived—he and two others (Neji and Shino) he couldn't bother to remember.

All he needed to do is focus on the last part of the ANBU test, pass it and he'll officially prove those sucker ANBUs that he can easily achieve the same title. And they could all bow down to his mighty strength.

There, on the far end of the alley, he could visualize another opening. Sasuke snorted. This must be the intellectual part of the test. The ability to see the end of a long mission. Growing irritated and slightly impatient, Sasuke ran to the end of the dark alley.

"Yo!" Hatake Kakashi greeted as he emerged from the shadows. From what it looks like, he's waiting. "I knew you'd reach up until here, Sasuke." He happily chirped as he tore his eyes from his hentai book namely Icha Icha Paradise.

It took Sasuke a minute or two to finally grasp the concept of the last part of the test. "I'm supposed to fight you." He declared, activating his Sharingan and preparing his fighting stance. He looked around, noting the fact that no one else except the two of them were inside the room. "A one-on-one battle, it seems." He smirked. It wasn't a bad idea to fight the famous copy-cat ninja. A true test of his strength if he'd surpassed the teacher.

"You've been doing a lot of fighting since the first part of the exam, Sasuke." The silver-haired sensei of team 7 stated, eyeing his scratches, wounds and bruises that came in different sizes and shapes sprawled on Sasuke's body. "For the last part, we'll be doing something quite different."

Sasuke didn't bulge, not trusting his lazy sensei. "The main concept of ANBU is to endure long, hard, grueling days of pure fighting." He said, referring to a certain manual of Ninja rankings and status.

"True." Kakashi second-motioned, lowering his precious orange book to his left side. "ANBU are trained to survive life-and-death situations and missions." He faked a cough. "But there's also one aspect that ANBUs and aspiring ANBUs like you need to learn and develop."

Sasuke raised a fine eyebrow. "What?"

Giving a smile like that of a chesire cat, Kakashi answered: "The solemn art of lying."

Did he just put solemn and lying in one sentence?

It might have been Sasuke's imagination, but he could have sworn that there was a snickering sound coming from the man standing in front of him. In the dangerous game ninjas play, it is a known rule to never tell anything that could jeopardize the mission, the team and the village at all cost when in case caught.

It makes sense. But as Sasuke looked at the grinning man standing there, his heart ached and tingled. He was as sure as hell that this won't be good.

In the far end of the long, narrow, dark alley, a small four-sided room is connected. There, Uchiha Sasuke found himself sitting on the metal chair, strategically placed in the middle of the room. Another creature that goes with the name Hatake Kakashi is with him. He had cuffed Sasuke's both hands and feet to the heavy metal chair.

Kakashi looked at Sasuke's way. "Let's pretend that you were captured by the enemy. You were caught right-handed. Normally, in this kind of scenario, they'd interrogate you in the most morbid way you could think of."

Sasuke immediately activated his Sharingan in alert.

Kakashi laughed. "Chill, Sasuke. I'm not one to disembowel you. That's Ibiki's stuff. Speaking of which, I feel sorry for whoever ended up in Ibiki's hands."

Somewhere, Shino's girlish faint scream could be heard. Oh, the horror!

Shrugging, Kakashi continued. "I'm more of the decent guy." Sasuke snorted at this. Pretending that he didn't hear it, Kakashi went on. "Anyway, I'll be using a formal system with you. I'll be using a Lie Detector Machine." He pointed at the bulky thing with two light bulbs on the table beside them.

"This thing will light the green bulb when it detects you're telling the truth through your pulse. It glows red when you're lying. I'll ask you a set of questions, Sasuke. Now, your main objective is to answer a lie. At the same time, you have to light it green. Fool the lie detector. Don't let it catch your lies."

Kakashi started putting a string on Sasuke's wrists, his temples, his neck and his chests. "Are you ready?"


Kakashi grinned. "That's good enough for me." he paused to create a tense ambiance. "First question, Uchiha Sasuke: Are you, without any doubt, still a virgin?"

Volcanoes exploded.

Thunders cracking.


Sasuke's face suddenly turned red. Is it him or it's getting hot in here? "What kind of a question is that?"

Kakashi blinked innocently. "Why? What's wrong with my question?"


The raven-haired heartthrob avoided his sensei's gaze. "It's… It's too personal."

The renowned copy-cat smiled evilly. "Bing-Bong! Exactly! Since we're not in a mission of any sort, I'll have to exploit the things you hide just like the little secret details we talk about in missions. The most personal of the most personal questions! Am I not great?"

Sasuke's face turned sour. "You're crazy!" he cursed. "I'm getting out of here!" After ten minutes of his futile attempt to escape, Sasuke slumped in irritation and in defeat.

"That chair is chakra-proof, my dear Sasuke. So try all you want but you'll never be able to get out! (Insert Kakashi's evil laughter)."

"Fuck you, you old coot!"

"Tsk. Tsk. Learn to respect your superiors."

"Do you mean elders?"

Kakashi's Chidori was suddenly activated.

"What did you just say, emo boy?"


"So, where were we? Ah, yes. Answer the question, Sasuke. Are you or are you not a virgin?"

Chidori still active.

Smile. Smile.

Glare. Glare.

Chidori still there.

There was an obvious threat. Definitely!

"Yes…or no?"

Evil smile.

Intense glare.



The Lie Detector's light bulb turned Red. A lie.

Kakashi eyed Sasuke maliciously. "Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. Already practicing for your second goal? What was that called again? Ah. Operation Baby Making for a new Uchiha Clan, right?"


"Ah." Insert Kakashi's giggly tremor and girlish squeal. "I so envy the youth."

"Rot in hell!"

"Tell me, with whom have you been practicing this wonderful aspect of life?" Sasuke decided that his old sensei might have been hanging out with Maito Gai too much these past few days that he's rubbing off on him.

Blush. Blush.

"Ah. You're not telling, eh?"

Sasuke continued to avoid his gaze.

"I'll guess then." Kakashi placed his fingers on the tip of his jaw line and started thinking. Suddenly, he saw a revelation.

He saw pink. Pink everywhere.

"Sakura!" he chirped, jumping excitedly. "You've been doing it with Haruno Sakura!"

Sasuke's eyes widened. "No."



Kakashi snickered. "You naughty boy, Uchiha Sasuke!" When his evil laughter died out, it was soon replaced with a heavy sigh. "You're supposed to be a good liar, Sasuke. Tsk. Tsk. And you claim to be a genius? I'm so disappointed in you."

"Who cares about your feelings?" Sasuke retorted.

Kakashi ignored the comment, staring blankly into time and space. "Anyway, moving on. Tell me, how many rounds? I'm dying to know!"

Somebody, kunai Sasuke to death!


"Not telling."

"How about four rounds?"

"I'm not talking to you ever again!"

"Five! It's got to be five!"

"This is nonsense."

"Don't tell me it's six!"




Kakashi cried in shock. "Oh, the strength of youth! The power of the Uchihas! I so envy you! How many times a week? Tell me! Tell me! Twice?"




"Higher? Thrice a week?"




"Five times a week?"

"I said no!"



"My goodness! Five times a week and six rounds a day? How do you do it?"

"Lies! Lies! These are all lies! I've never had sex with Sakura!" Sasuke screamed.



"Ohohoho. Trying to get out of it?" From the corner of Kakashi's eye, he noticed Sasuke fiercely blushed. "You're such a bad liar, Sasuke. Just admit that you're a sex addict!"

"I'm not!"



"You're so stubborn. Why won't you admit and embrace the truth?"

"Because it's all lies! Lies!"



"Apparently, you're the one lying according to the Lie detector. Tsk. Okay, I'll believe you just this once." Kakashi sighed. "If you're not the one screwing Sakura, then who is the father of the baby she's carrying?" he mumbled silently but was audible enough for Sasuke's ears.

The world stood still.

"Sakura… she… she's pregnant?" there was disbelief in Sasuke's voice.

"Ah. Maybe it's Shino's. It seems that the two of them are apparently close these days."


"Nah. Maybe it's Kiba's. They did have chemistry together."


"Must be Neji's! He likes her, she's single. A little Byakugan here and there and tada!"


"Could possibly be Naruto's. He does look at Sakura that way. He must have snapped and ching!"


"Or must be a gang rape! Oh no!"


"Or maybe—"

"Enough!" Sasuke yelled. Kakashi looked at him. "It was me!"



"Wow! Admitting now?"




Kakashi scratched his head. "You…what?"


"Just say it!"

"I—it was… reciprocal."



Oh Shit!

"You raped her?"




Kakashi cried like a girl. "I couldn't believe you could do such a thing!"

"She wasn't raped! I was! She dragged me somewhere dark! I never liked it! Ever!"



"Tsk. Tsk. Every man loves sex, Sasuke. Some get even addicted to it."

"Some like yourself."

"Absolu— Oi! This is not about me!"

"Then why is it about me?"

Kakashi pretends to hear nothing. "Moving on, sex addict..."

"But I—"




"I didn't even get to finish."

"You're going to lie anyway."


"So, about Sakura being pregnant…are you planning to marry her?"

"Why would I?"



"When? Tomorrow?"








"Do you even have a ring to begin with?"

"Not in a million years."



Kakashi smiled evilly. "Figures."

In the end.

Out of ninety participants, no one passed the ANBU exam.

People chattering.

"Wow! Is it that hard, huh? The ANBU exam?"

"Yeah! I heard Uchiha-san and Hyuga-san couldn't even handle the exam!"

"Well, that's something you don't hear everyday."

There can be miracles, when you believe.

Uchiha Sasuke fidgeted while opening the box in front of Haruno Sakura. "Since…you're pregnant with an Uchiha child. It's best that we get married soon."

Sakura's emerald eyes shrank. "What? I'm… I'm pregnant?"


"Sasuke-kun… I'm not…"

That damnated sensei! I'll get him one day!


"Then I'd be sure to get it right this time."

He took hold of her hand and dragged her towards the Uchiha compound.

"Kakashi-senpai, did you still use the Lie Detector Machine you requested?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"But…that thing is broken!"

Smirk. "I know."

ANBU exam...


"Wow. I didn't expect you'd reach up until here, Naruto."

"What? Why? Don't you believe in my awesome strength?"



"Let's get started."

Moments later…

Naruto screamed in sheer horror.

Aside from failing the ANBU exam, Uchiha Sasuke succeeded on becoming a father of a new clan. He had also become a certified sex addict. Everyday, every night! The power of the Uchihas!

Alls well that ends well.

If you know what I mean.