(Author's Note: I set myself a challenge to write this humor oneshot using the names of everyone who has ever reviewed me to date. It was easier in my head….Enjoy!)
"Alright, lowlifes, you know what we're doing. Creative Typist, I hope you're keeping accurate minutes of this meeting. Screw up again and I'll crucio you into unescapable-darkness. Lucius, I'm putting you in charge of retrieving that prophecy. Don't fail me." Voldemort stuck his lollipop back in his mouth for a few more wonderful swishes. He'd been reluctant to try watermelon, but now that he had it instantly overtook grape as his favorite. A blob of sticky sucker spit rolled down the front of his robe.
"I won't, my lord," Lucius answered with a grimace, bowing more to avert his gaze from his master's grotesque manners than to hide the guilt of his last failure. Who would've thought a damned empty diary could cause so much trouble—for him, that is. He'd really, really hoped it would wreak havoc at Hogwarts on the Muggle-born population. At times like this he wished he didn't work for an Extreme Psycho.
"I'm waiting." Voldemort tapped a foot.
The Death Eaters, hemming and pawing their feet in the dirt of the wilderness hideout, began to mumble along to the tune of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb', while Voldemort clapped his hands and grinned like a cretin on LSD.
Voldemort is really cool,
wicked bad, handsome, too.
We live to serve the darkest lord,
cuz he's our leader man.
Voldemort shot a crucio at Wormtail. "Off key!" He threw his sucker into the crowd, smacking Jiachen on the back of the Death Eater hood and sticking fast. To the rest he bellowed, "Again—sing it like you mean it!"
Taking the lead, Lucius belted out the lyrics as he waved at the rest to join in. Heaving a sigh of disgust, Severus joined his baritone to harmonize with him as the others shouted the song in a pitiful attempt to avoid Wormtail's fate.
Voldemort smiled, his thin lips drawing back like a vampire about to strike. He'd written the words to the song himself, and truth be told he was quite proud of them. He opened a new lollipop and rolled it around his mouth. "Mush be'er. Now, wush 'at so bab?"
The Death Eaters, not sure whether he was praising them or threatening death with a new curse, nodded in vigorous agreement. It was always best to agree, no matter what ridiculous things spewed from his face. "'Ou can go now. Oh, boxter—bring me anover dozen lowipops. No lime plavor or you're dead."
"Yes, my lord," boxter answered, scribbling a note to self on a Post-It note.
The group of Death Eaters shuffled outside and began disapparating, all except Lucius and Severus, who stripped off their masks and climbed into a new, fieryred convertible with snakes painted down the sides. Lucius buckled himself in, checked the mirror, fixed a few stray hairs, then started the car. Then they sat there.
"What are we waiting for?" asked Snape impatiently.
"Buckle up. It's the law."
Snape snorted. "Yes, Death Eaters are so careful to obey laws!" Nevertheless, he pulled the seatbelt around himself and snapped it into place. He dreaded the idea of sitting here indefinitely while Lucius stared at him with those reproachful eyes. "Happy? Can we go now?"
Lucius put the car in drive. "You know, you're not a very nice instructor. No wonder Draco hates you—as a teacher, I mean," he added hurriedly. "As his godfather, he thinks you're not a complete git."
"I'm touched," Severus drawled, rolling his eyes. If not for the fact that he was the only Death Eater with a license, he would never have allowed himself to be roped into teaching this Malfoy maniac to drive.
They roared away from the cabin, tires screeching and leaving a good bit of rubber behind as they raced down the bumpy, Lonely Road. The radio blasted a song from the ever-popular band 'Killer whale gal' as Lucius blithely sang along.
"Slow down!" Snape yelled. His white-knuckled hands gripped the dashboard hard enough to leave indentations.
"I'm only doing…sixty-five," said Lucius innocently, although he eased off the gas.
"Kilometers or miles per hour?" demanded the other.
"Miles," Lucius admitted in a small voice.
"In case you didn't notice, this road is a little rough, you idiot," Snape said helpfully. He was, after all, the teacher.
It was only now he noticed Lucius hadn't turned on his headlights: he hadn't needed to, what with the blinding light shining overhead. He looked up and caught his breath. The car rolled to a stop.
"What's wrong with this stupid Muggle contraption?" Malfoy seethed as he ground the motor in an attempt to re-start the car.
"Uh, Lucius." Severus pointed up at a disk shaped craft hovering low.
The next moment, a beam of light shot out from the spaceship, engulfing the two Death Eaters, pulled them upward, upward, right into a large, relatively empty chamber where they were suspended helplessly, locked in the beam. Ever so slowly, two slug-like creatures crawled in from another part of the ship. One of them pressed a lever with its tail, releasing them from the force. They both toppled with a thud to the floor, Lucius face-first, and Snape on top of Lucius.
"Trying to cop a feel, Severus?" Lucius remarked dryly after ascertaining his nose wasn't broken from the impact with the floor.
Snape lurched off him with a filthy epithet. Before he could go for his wand, his hands snapped behind his back, bound with the invisible energy. Lucius jumped to his feet, tossed his hair over his shoulder, and straightened his clothes.
"What is the meaning of this?" Immediately his hands were similarly incapacitated.
One of the aliens fixed its obsidian eyes on them. "We have come to learn of your species. We have watched your broadcasts to learn your language and customs. I am also a DiligentReader, having processed over 7,000 of your books."
Lucius leaned in with a delighted squeal. "Oooh! Have you read any of the works of sappho33? She's quite good, for an ancient Muggle author."
Snape rolled his eyes again. They were being held against their will—at least he was—by these creatures, and Lucius wanted to discuss poetry! "Exactly what are you?" he drawled in his most polite snide tone. "A Conqueror Worm?"
"We have no desire for conquest, human. Only knowledge."
The alien who'd turned off the tractor beam wiggled its way up alongside its companion. "Elemesnedene, I'll be the sexy black haired one," it said with a certain note in its voice. "Its eyes look like yours."
The more talkative slug turned a shade of purple. "Oh, Likuts, you flatter me. I'll be happy to be the female. She has lovely yellow hair."
"Oh, Lord," Snape moaned. The aliens appeared to be flirting with one another!
Lucius tapped one of them on the back with his foot. "Excuse me. Are you talking about us? Because he is in no wise sexy, and I am definitely male, extremely macho."
"Lucius, shut up!" Severus snapped.
"What? I'm just telling the truth," he protested.
Severus ignored him. "Look, alien things, we'd like to be on our way now, so—"
A flick of the tail ignited the tractor beam once more. Severus and Lucius swung upward to dangle in mid-air like puppets. The slug creatures each crawled up to one of the men and pressed their faces to the men's foreheads, to the humans' great discomfort and repulsion. After a few minutes of what felt like having their minds rifled through by a Legilimens, the creatures backed away. Gradually they morphed into twin figures of Severus and Lucius. The men watched the transformation with growing horror, and a little curiosity.
Likuts, who was currently prancing about on its newfound legs, gave a hearty smile and ran its hands through the greasy black hair. Its smile faded. "I must need a bath."
"It's got your number!" Lucius crowed.
Elemesnedene twirled around shaking its flowing blond locks. "Aren't I handsome?"
"It certainly sounds like you," Severus sniped at Lucius.
"No one can replace me," Lucius huffed.
"Not so," the alien hereafter referred to as Malfoy-clone replied. "We are going to take over your lives for a while in order to truly learn about humans." So saying, it released them from the tractor beam, causing them to tumble once more to the floor, hands still clasped behind their backs. Again Snape landed on top of Lucius.
"You did that on purpose!" Lucius seethed. "You're trying to hurt me—or take advantage of me! Not that I could really blame you, I am uncommonly striking."
"When we get out of here, I'm going to uncommonly strike the shit out of you!" Severus growled. "Stop accusing me of being depraved!"
"I call it as I see it," Lucius maintained.
The aliens, observing the human interaction, said nothing. One of them levitated the two onto a table across the room, lying them down nose to nose, and turned on a force field. "We will return."
Arm in arm Snape-clone and Malfoy-clone conducted themselves from the ship, which from the looks of the landscape, had landed without so much as a bump. Left alone, Severus and Lucius began to struggle violently and futilely against the energy bands on their wrists. Attempts to hop off the table availed naught, for the energy shield engulfing them shocked and jolted them most severely upon contact.
"Well, isn't this peachy," said Severus, his voice growing in volume with his irritation. "If we'd apparated like everyone else, we'd be home now instead of lying next to you in an alien spaceship!"
"Aren't you just MsCharming," Lucius sneered back. "I'll have you know my company is sought after by ninety percent of women, and nearly a quarter of the men."
"Undoubtedly you did a survey."
"Indeed I did. Akito-Aya surveys are notoriously reliable and accurate, so—" He blew a loud raspberry at Severus.
"How mature of you. If I could reach my wand…"
As if struck with a thought, Lucius patted his own rump pockets. Where was his wand? He wiggled like a fish out of water onto his back, turned his head, and looked at the floor where his wand lay all by itself. "Oh, dammit!"
"Lucius, I need your help. My wand is in my front pants pocket. If you lean down, you can grab it with your teeth—"
"Nice try, pervert!" Lucius spat. "You're probably the one who knocked my wand out of my pocket when you were patting my ass!"
"I did not pat your ass!" Severus exclaimed indignantly. "I fell on top of you, that hardly constitutes molestation!"
"So you say." Lucius backed up until the force field jolt forced him to stop, a whole eight inches from Severus. "We'll just wait for the aliens to come back."
"If you'd brought that damned pimp cane like you usually do, you could've used it as a weapon."
"It clashes with my Death Eater robes," Lucius explained with a sigh. If he had to be held captive, why did it have to be with a possible deviant with no sense of style?
Malfoy-clone arrived at Malfoy Manor precisely at ten-fifteen. It liked that number, for no discernible reason. A house elf ran up to greet him and he stared at it for a moment. According to his research, wasn't he supposed to kick it or bash its head? But that seemed so mean. He handed it a flower he'd picked off a bush outside for a snack later.
The elf took the flower wordlessly, its eyes growing ever larger than the normal fist-sized orbs common to elves. "Jras thanks Master Malfoy."
"Master? There no is any mortitia…"
"The pretty blond—the other pretty blond besides me, I mean," Malfoy-clone explained, smiling all over himself.
"Is Master meaning Mistress Narcissa?"
The alien pumped a fist in the air. "Yes! That one."
"She is in Master's room."
Malfoy-clone skipped through the house, trotted up the stairs, and burst into his bedroom. Narcissa, reading her ChocolateGal16 catalogue in bed, looked up at his flushed face and smiled wickedly. Such reading material always made her hungry for more than chocolate.
"Come here, Lucius," she commanded. "I've been waiting for you."
Malfoy-clone obediently walked over and sat down beside her. "Hello, my mate."
She lunged at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him deeply and repeatedly. When she began to nibble his neck, Malfoy-clone shied away in alarm.
"You're trying to eat me!"
Narcissa smirked as she leaped on top of him. "Only if you want me to," she purred. She attacked again, her practiced fingers tearing off his clothing and ravaging his body.
When she'd had her fill, she lay back contentedly. Malfoy-clone fared much worse. Feeling utterly violated, he lay motionless staring at the ceiling, hoping the ordeal was over.
"Goodnight, Narcissa," Malfoy-clone responded reflexively. "NavyBlueDreamsandKhakithoughts."
"Um…what?" she mumbled sleepily.
The following morning found Severus in poor humor. Every day, as a rule, found him in poor humor, but being held prisoner on a hard table, hands bound behind his back, next to Lucius made him irrefutably insufferable.
"You are irrefutably insufferable," Lucius sniffed at Severus' suggestion that he perform obscene acts on himself. "You only wish I would pleasure you in that manner."
"I'm not a pervert!" Severus screamed, which made his dry throat raw. "Or a werewolf, as you earlier suggested, but I wish I were so I could tear you apart!"
"That reminds me of that story—you remember—angelle and the Evil-Irish-Wolf? They go into the Forbidden Forest and—"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Severus bellowed, banging his own head on the table with each phrase. "I'll be xscarredforlifex from this ordeal. Just get my blasted wand!"
"Beg all you want, I don't swing that way," Lucius retorted. He turned his head and started to hum Voldemort's theme song.
"Must you hum that ridiculous ditty, you filthy potterandanimelover?" Severus snapped. "The dark lord certainly isn't going to help us."
"Hey! I don't love Potter. Now redbull07, I could go for some of that about now. I'm parched."
"I'm going to kill you. I don't know how or when, but I am," Severus promised, pressing his lips into a thinner line than usual. Having delivered his threat, he actually felt a little better. Maybe he should make death threats more often.
Snape-clone entered his first Potions class at Hogwarts, observing the students as he went. So this was what youthlings looked like. Most of them seemed to shy away from his face, most likely a sign of respect for his age and wisdom, he determined. Although he was fairly certain some of them mocked him after he'd passed; the fact that his keen hearing picked up their snide remarks and snickering was a definite tipoff. He wasn't sure what to make of that. A teacher like the Severus human, with his warm personality and dashing good looks must no doubt be a popular, beloved professor. At any rate, he quickly read through Severus' lesson plan for the day, memorized the seating chart and potion, and set the students to work.
He strolled up and down the classroom giving hints and advice, which of course flabbergasted the students. "RebeccaRoy, you need to add one gram of MatoakaWilde, not three grams. Harry, your potion looks quite good."
Harry gaped after him and turned to Ron. "Did you hear that? Snape complimented me! Don't you think he's acting kind of weird?"
"If Snape wasn't acting weird, that would be weird," answered Ron.
"Maybe he's in love," interjected Hermione. "They say people act strangely at such times." She blinked her eyes at Ron.
In his typical trollish manner, Ron replied, "You got somethin' in your eye, 'Mione?"
After class, as the students filed up to place their vials on Snape's desk, Snape-clone sat there smiling broadly.
"Are you alright, Professor?" asked Harry.
"Yes, I'm fine. Why?"
"Well, you're smiling. It's actually kind of creeping me out."
The alien, taken aback, responded, "Smiling is a natural human reaction to denote one is pleased. I'm human, aren't I?" He hurriedly whipped around to glance at himself in a shiny beaker. Two eyes, nose in middle of face—drat, forgot eyebrows! He quickly formed himself a pair of eyebrows and turned back to the boy, continuing as if he hadn't stopped at all. "Haha. Just an attempt at Earth humor. I mean, humor in general—universal and all that. Leave now."
Harry backed up cautiously, bumping into fellow Gryffindor Ameterasu. "Run! He's gone completely bonkers!" Taking his own advice, Harry spun around and made haste out of the room.
A covert meeting in the late afternoon brought Snape-clone and Malfoy-clone together at the Eclectic Me pub. They greeted each other in the typical human fashion, a passionate kiss on the lips, drawing attention from unsuspecting bystanders, then seated themselves in a secluded corner.
Malfoy-clone, unable to hold back his distress, burst out, "These humans are horrid creatures! My mate tried to eat me and did vile, unspeakable things to me!"
"Like what?" asked Snape-clone with interest.
"I said unspeakable," repeated the other as a few tears trickled from his gray eyes.
Concerned, Snape-clone leaned forward and took his hand. "Did it harm you?"
"Only my psyche," sniffed Malfoy-clone.
A waitress meandered over to the table. "Ready to order? Might I recommend a bottle of sephora85—it's an excellent year."
"Lucius, listen to me," Severus enunciated slowly and with obvious anguish. "We've been here for almost twenty hours. I have to pee, and if we don't get loose soon, I'm going to water this table like a fountain."
"Are you threatening me?" Lucius bristled.
"I'm warning you—GET MY FREAKING WAND!"
Lucius set his face resolutely. "I'd rather die, or even wallow in your urine, than to put my face anywhere near your…junk."
"H. Kim!" Severus swore. "Turn around and use your hands, you pansy ass jackal! Assuming they haven't gone numb yet."
Finding the idea not quite so repulsive as the alternative, Lucius laboriously flopped over, periodically smacking against the force field, which zapped him mercilessly, making him howl. Eventually, numerous shocks later, his back faced Severus. He wormed his way across the table until he felt Severus' robes in his fingers, then carefully snaked his fingers inside the robe and made a wild grab for the wand.
"Aaaah!" Severus shrieked as the hand squeezed his genitals. "I said the wand—the wooden wand!"
Recoiling in disgust from the contact, Lucius muttered, "Jente Bidernais." He wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but it sounded pretty, and pretty things cheered him up. "Why can't you carry your wand in a normal pocket like everyone else?" He had the desperate urge to cut his hand off at the wrist, but that would take precious time from recovering the blasted wand and freeing them. Besides, if he didn't hurry, he'd have more than Severus' germs on him. "Perhaps you could guide me, Snape-Sistas."
"I told you not to call me that!" He kicked Lucius as hard as he could, which fortunately or otherwise wasn't very hard due to their proximity. "Move your hand up—not up my body, moron, up toward the ceiling. A little bit higher. There."
Lucius grabbed hold of the wand and finessed it from Severus' pocket. "Turn around."
Severus did a series of grunting gymnastics punctuated with yelps as he touched the force shield. When he'd at last flipped over, Lucius aimed the wand as best he could without being able to see.
"Try a different spell," Severus ordered.
For the next ten minutes, Lucius ran through every non-damaging spell he could think of, followed by a few more suggested by Severus. At last, the energy bond released Severus and he stiffly rolled over, snatched his wand, and freed Lucius. A similar spell dispersed the energy field around them. Severus jumped off the table and ran around the corner.
"Where are you go—" The sound of a man relieving himself on a floor greeted Lucius' ears, and he mumbled, "Never mind." He strolled over to pick up his own wand and caressed it lovingly. "Never leave me again," he whispered. "It was horrible, utterly degrading, I tell you."
From behind him came Severus' voice, dripping with self-satisfaction. "Really? I thought you rather enjoyed fondling me." He laughed outright as Lucius flushed.
"We will never speak of it again! Now let's get out of here."
They pressed a button on the floor by the door the clones had left from, only to find themselves face to face with…themselves. The clones shoved them aside in their rush to be away from the human world.
"Your world is perverse," said Malfoy-clone.
Lucius nodded sympathetically. "Tell me about it! This guy here wanted me to—"
"We're leaving now," said Severus and Snape-clone together.
Severus clutched Lucius by the arm and dragged him from the ship. The door whooshed shut behind them and the ship sailed into the air. They spied the red convertible a short distance away.
"This never happened, this never happened," Lucius chanted in an effort to block it from his mind. From a weed patch adjacent to the road he plucked a Lady DragonRose, a bright purple rose with orange and red stripes to give to Narcissa to pretend everything was okay. Pretending made it seem real, and if it seemed real, eventually it would feel real. "Never happened."
"I wholly agree. The nightmares and random flashbacks will be torment enough without anyone else finding out," Severus said. "I've had more than enough togetherness. Have fun driving home." He sneered as he disapparated.
Lucius got in the car, started the engine, and turned the radio up. He never realized before how free he felt without anyone practically attached to his hip, especially a smug, sneering, bastard who he still wasn't entirely sure was to be trusted in close quarters. He decided not to assign Severus to the prophecy-getting task force; he'd probably only screw it up or try to take over in his pushy-Snape way. Anyway, why mess with a sure thing? Why, by this time next week, he'd have that prophecy in hand, earning him praise and forgiveness from the master. He roared off down the road singing, "We are the champions, my friend…"