Disclaimer: We do not own any of these characters; they all (except Shit) belong to Stephenie Meyer. We just put them into these bizarre situations.

Author's Note: This is a joint story, written by Cloudmoo and Fluffisacoolword. Born of our insanity, this story is our entry for yayme2012's BellaxBanana Challenge. We guarantee that you will find no weirder pairing than what you are about to read, and we apologize in advance for any repulsion and disgust that you may experience whilst reading. Enjoy, and review! Oh, and don't forget to vote for us in yayme2012's C2. :)

Edward POV

Bella and I walked through the front doors of Forks' hospital. We were on our way to see Carlisle to confirm the date for our wedding: August 5th. I had already cleared it with the rest of the family, but Carlisle had been busy working, and we hadn't been able to talk to him yet.

I turned to Bella, about to say something, when I suddenly slipped on a wet spot on the floor. I did not want to know what it was that had spilled there. I cried out in surprise as I fell on top of Bella. Worried about crushing her, I did not notice until it was too late that my open mouth was headed for her soft flesh. Before I could stop myself, I tasted blood. I had ended my fall with my teeth embedded in the supple skin of her buttocks.

I cursed, pushing myself away from her. Now what? Panicking, I pulled her with me into the janitor's closet As she shrieked and gasped with the pain of transformation, I prayed that nobody would hear her from outside. I stayed with her, holding her hand for days, before I decided that I needed to leave her for a few minutes to tell Carlisle what had happened.

"Carlisle…?" I began hesitantly as I approached him. "I think I made an oopsie."

Bella POV

I awoke in complete blackness, alone and confused. I felt renewed and strong, except for a dull ache in my butt. Amidst these new sensations was a burning thirst. My throat was parched, screaming for me to soothe it. Suddenly, I caught a whiff of something yummy.

I burst through the door into the bright lights of the sterile hospital. I followed the scent, my instincts driving me more than rational thought. I pushed through door after door until I reached my destination: the maternity ward.

All of that fresh new blood, pulsing extra-quickly through those tiny bodies. I was practically drooling. Without knowing what I was doing, I began grabbing infants from cribs and stuffing them in my mouth as fast as I could, drinking from them. I had just sunk my teeth into one when I felt a firm, cold hand on my shoulder. I whipped around to see Edward, his eyes filled with fear and regret. His face brought me back to reality, and I realized with a rush of nausea in my stomach - and a chunk of baby in my teeth - what I was doing. I dropped the child and backpedaled, horrified by the animal I had become.

We were halfway out of the hospital when Edward grabbed my arm.

"That baby was dead, right?"

I spun around and sprinted back to the room, my anxiety mounting as we neared the ward. Edward threw open the door and gasped. I followed his terrified gaze, and what I saw chilled me to my very core. Crawling across the floor at nearly 60 miles per hour was a baby, its red eyes rabid with thirst. All the babies I had spared now lay in a pile, ravaged by the miniscule beast.

"Shit."

Bella POV

I brought the barely breathing rabbit into my house, sensing its fading heartbeats as I hurried to my "son." We had named him Charlie, but the first word he had heard was Shit, and now he would answer to nothing else. I lowered the animal to his lips, cringing slightly at the fervent manner in which he fed.

Suddenly, the phone rang, interrupting the baby's meal. I set down the rabbit for Charlie to finish, and hurried to answer.

"Hello?"

"Bella! What it do, ho?"

"Jacob? How's it going?"

"Ah, well, y'know… killing leeches, bein' hot, nothin' new."

"Um… cool, I guess. Is there a reason you called?"

"Yeah. We haven't talked in a while. You should come down."

"…Okay, well, be prepared. I have some… big news."

Billy POV

I couldn't say that I was happy to hear that Bella was coming to La Push. She had caused nothing but trouble since she arrived in Forks, and Jacob was always depressed for days after she went back home. However, my spirits lifted when I saw the angelic creature that was cradled in her arms when she arrived. My breath caught. Who was this extraordinary being?

I wheeled over to him and lightly traced his hairline with my finger, my heartbeat rapidly increasing. I began to perspire, gasping for air as I realized that I had just imprinted.

"H-he's beautiful," I stammered, feeling light-headed.

"…Hi, Billy." Bella gave me a strange look. "This is my son, Charlie, otherwise known as… Shit." She grimaced at the name.

"…Shit," I repeated. It was the most fitting name I had ever heard. Everything about him was simply amazing. Bella nodded, misunderstanding the tone of my voice.

"Yeah, I know. It was the first…" She trailed off, realizing that I was not listening to her anymore. Just then, Jacob entered, his smile fading as he noticed the object of our attention.

"What the hell?!" he cried, outraged. Bella's eyes widened with apprehension.

"Jacob, I can explain–" she began, searching for words. I interrupted them.

"Bella," I said, my mind racing to come up with a plan. "How about you and Jacob go outside and talk this out? I'll take care of little Shit for you." I smiled, reaching out to hold my one true love.

"Um," she faltered a little at the look on my face, but handed him over. "Thanks. We'll just be out in the shed." They walked out, leaving the two of us alone.

I held Shit close to me, staring into his gorgeous burgundy eyes. Checking again that we were alone, I lowered my lips to his. He responded, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling himself closer to me. I kissed him deeply and passionately, my world spinning with the ecstasy of this perfect moment.

When I finally pulled away for air, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, seeing the wide eyes of Sam Uley, Old Quil Ateara, Paul, Jared, Bella and Jacob, all staring at me with a mix of disgust and disbelief. I held Shit close to me, protecting him.

"B-Billy?! What is wrong with you?!" Sam roared. "How dare you betray the pack? This thing is a violation of the treaty! …Not to mention the legal implications of what you are doing to it."

"You don't understand me!!" I cried. How could they? There was no way they could ever feel so strongly for anyone. "I'm in love! Shit is my life, my passion, my purpose!"

Jacob POV

I stared at my father, slack-jawed. He was in love with that vampire demon-child? What was going on here? Before I knew what was happening, the baby's eyes locked on mine, and he crawled away from Dad at warp speed. I barely had time to think 'What the fuck?!' before the red-eyed, pale creature launched itself at me, sinking its razor-sharp fangs into my calf.

"Aughhh!" I screamed in shock, jumping up in the air and grabbing my leg. With a surge of panic, I realized that the venom was beginning to spread through my veins. I felt the heat from the poison combine with my already too-high body temperature, and I knew that nothing good could possibly come of this. I only had time to feel the fire escalate into an inferno before my vision blurred and I sank into an abyss of blackness.

Billy POV

I watched in horror as Jacob fell to the floor, twitching violently and spitting obscenities. Then, without warning, he combusted, flames enveloping his seizing body. The flames blazed to the ceiling and then died, leaving a pile of ash where my son had been.

"NOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed. "MY SON!!!" I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest. Grief overwhelmed me. I spun around and wheeled blindly into the kitchen, grabbing a knife from the drawer. Gripping it tightly, I plunged it into my heart with all the strength I could muster. As I fell to the floor, my useless legs twisted under me and my blood spattered across the floor. My last thoughts were of Shit.

Shit POV

I crawled into the kitchen after Billy, and looked on with anguish as my soulmate's final breaths escaped his lips. Despite the sorrow and pain that engulfed me, I felt my thirst taking over. Billy's sweet blood, still warm from being inside him, seeped across the kitchen floor. Unable to stop myself, I sped over to his side and drank from his gushing wound.

When I had sucked his body dry and the scent no longer made me delirious with longing, I pulled myself away from him and realized what I had done. The one person who had loved me with the same intensity that I had felt for him was gone, and I had defiled his remains. Self-loathing gripped me, and I lowered my lips to his before throwing my head back and releasing a guttural cry.

As fast as I could, I dashed past the others and outside into the freezing air. I pushed on with conviction until I reached the cliff's edge. Hundreds of feet below me, the raging waves thundered angrily against the jagged rocks. With one last cry, I hurled myself into the sea.

Bella POV

My mind could not register the horror that was unfolding before my eyes. I could only stand, frozen, and witness my baby, my Charlie, throw himself off the edge of the cliff into those violent waters. I ran as quickly I could after him, but it was not fast enough. I saw his tiny body plunge into the depths of the ocean.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" I cried. "MY BABY!!!" Five, ten, then twenty minutes went by without him emerging. A pain like no other consumed my body, and I was halfway off the cliff myself when I saw him shoot 50 feet out of the water at a remarkable speed. My jaw dropped as the Kraken hurtled after him, the water rolling and foaming in its wake. The massive mouth of the monstrous beast opened, and swallowed my child whole.

I turned and ran along the beach, hardly aware of where I was going. I ended up in front of a blazing driftwood fire just outside of Jacob's house. Unable to face the people inside, I took a deep breath and stepped into the enchanting blue flames.

Edward POV

I walked out the door of the cabin to look for Bella, only to realize that I was too late. Smoldering cinders were all that lingered where her beautiful figure had burned away in the flames.

"Well, fuck," I muttered, pulling out my cell phone. "Yes, hello. I would like to get on the first plane to Italy, please."