Gorgeous Shade of Blue
Chapter 11: Donatello
Michelangelo was just chipper the next day…I mean, why shouldn't he be? He got laid the night before and, from the sound of it, things got pretty damn wild between his sheets. I'd venture to say just about anyone would be elated after such an experience. I figured out why Mikey didn't have a fit when I turned him down…at some point before coming to speak to me the previous evening, he and Raph had a little chat. Evidently, Raphael promised Mikey a little bedcraft in the event I chose Donny. So, in essence, Raph was Mikey's fallback lover - not exactly an admirable title, but I know that wouldn't have been concerning to my brother in red. Basically, since Raph was single and Mikey has the potential of being disavowed by yours truly, Raph decided to try and rekindle their old friends-with-benefits relationship. On that same note, what Mikey and I had was the same kind of bond, so I still can't quite place why I felt the way I did – it's not as if I'd lost a long-time significant other. I'd lost a cuddle-buddy and little more – I did not lose Mikey as a friend or a brother, so why in hell did I feel resentful when I found out Mikey was getting physical with Raphael again?
I suppose I felt jealous and dismayed because Mikey had been coming onto me and he made me hopeful. I admit to falling for him to a great extent, and he just sort of abandoned what we shared to memory and went to be with Raph – which is exactly what Raphael did to Donny. But considering who his influence (and first lover) was, it doesn't surprise me that Mikey didn't think what he was doing should have felt a little bit shameful. I didn't hold it against him, but I felt particularly incensed toward Raph for making such rotten choices seem perfectly kosher to our mildly immature younger sibling. Oh well – if Mikey keeps this behavior up, he and Raph will practically have been made for one another.
Donatello was my primary concern, though. He seemed to be more hushed than usual that next day, and just acted very distant. Donny was at work until the evening, so I saved my worries for when he returned home. I waited up for him long after my brothers and Sensei had departed for bed, and I was undeniably traversing the fine line between awareness and slumber when my dear brother finally snuck back to the lair. More than likely, he was tired and irate, so I tried my best to not immediately jump into what I wanted to talk about. As an alternative, I chose to simply be pleasant.
"Hey Don. How was work?"
"It was okay", he said in a low, apathetic tone. Without ever looking up at me, he began to toward his bedroom. He didn't seem tired, but I think he knew my waiting for him was no coincidence and he likely didn't want to see anyone. Part of me wanted to let him go, but part of me had to know if he was okay…so, I let the latter of the parts decree my actions as I hopped off the couch and caught up with him.
"Donny, hold on a second. Can I talk to you?"
He sighed and while still staring at the floor, he replied, "Leo, I'm really in no mood to talk to anyone right now."
As he made a swift motion to put his door between himself and me, I blurted out, "Are you upset over Raphael?"
For the first time since he entered the lair, he managed to look up at me and make actual eye contact, albeit some rather petulant contact. I continued. "Don, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, that's all."
He sneered at me and folded his arms across his chest. "That's all? I seriously doubt it, Leo. I know for a goddamn fact you're still fucking enamored with me…you wanted to try and get me into your bed now that you know Raph and I have separated. Don't give me that concern bullshit…I don't need anyone's fucking pity right now. Just leave me the hell alone. You're no fucking better than Raph." And following those odious words, Donny slammed his door in my face.
I couldn't believe what I'd heard. Was that really Donny saying that? I stood in the hazily lit room, agape, and wondering if Donny was just distressed in general, or harbored some other revulsion specifically aimed at me. It was that last part of his outburst that hurt the most, though. I was no better than Raphael? Did he really mean that? I hadn't the faintest idea why he was being so toxic toward me, but I decided I wasn't going to push the matter that night. My brother was far too livid to be spoken to on civil terms, so what else could I do? I headed back to my own room to try and sleep, though I expected little more than several successive hours of rolling around and peering at my ceiling, as if the answers to all my quandaries were written there.
The next two hours of that night were spent tossing around in bed, making every effort to fall asleep. Raph knocked on the wall and screamed at me to be quiet, as the sound of my bed creaking was keeping him awake. It was interesting how I couldn't roll around in my bed and disturb everyone, but he certainly could. Fucker. Like many other evenings when I was unable to sleep, one of my dear brothers seemed to inherently know something was askew…that night was no different, and at some point during what seemed like endless hours of darkness, I heard a gentle tapping on my door – probably Mikey wanting to come in and snuggle or wanting to know why Donny was screaming.
"It's open", I said, not even concerned about who was knocking.
One of my brothers entered my room, gently closed the door behind him, and said softly, "The light's coming on". I had little time to shield my face from the offending brightness, but when my vision cleared again, I saw it was, in fact, not Mikey in my room…but Donny. His presence at that moment was a shock all by itself, but it paled in comparison to what was going to come as the night advanced.
"Hey there, Donny. Can't sleep?"
He said nothing, but just shook his head. "Come sit down and talk to me, brother", I said and nudged myself over so he could sit on my bed and hoped he would actually speak to me this time. Looking reluctant, he did sit beside me. I rested my hand gently on his shoulder. My brother looked up at me with an expression I could not quite classify…he looked confused, upset, and anxious all at once.
"I need to firstly apologize for lashing out at you earlier, Leo. I didn't mean what I said at all."
"It's okay. Don—"
He continued on. "No, it's not okay. I can't be taking my sadness out on everyone else like that and –"
I stopped him, held him by the shoulders and said softly, "Donny…relax. I understand you're upset, and you're forgiven." There was a long silence between us before I spoke again. "You're upset over Raph, aren't you?"
Donny's expression and heavy sigh was more than an adequate response. "I'm not upset over losing him…I left him, after all. It's just…I'm still getting over him, and he's already gone to be with Mikey. It feels like I was just another body in his line of playthings and now I've been cast aside after he got tired of me. And this feeling I have of being used…it's something I can't shake off. It really hurts."
"That's…kinda how Raph has always been. He's never really been into long-term, monogamous relationships. I think, in your case, it's not that he grew tired of you, but he wanted sex, and when you left him and made sex completely unavailable, he went to his secondary supply. Raph has been known to heal remarkably fast from break-ups."
Donny began to sniffle a little, and I got up and gave him a small hug, hoping he did not construe my sign of comfort as a sign of flirtation. He returned the gesture and said in a steadily breaking voice, "Before I was with Raphael…I was a virgin. I'd never even kissed anyone, and I gave him something that I sort of valued and that I could never give anyone else. And now…it feels like what he and I shared was little more than a carnal relationship, and I guess I'm not taking it all that well."
"Your sadness is completely understandable, brother. I…really hoped so much that Raph wouldn't treat you like a convenient piece of ass like he has treated so many others…I know virtually anyone else would be content with the physical pleasure, but I know you were looking for much more from him."
Donny sighed. "I really thought he and I would have lasted…but…I just couldn't stay with him after what he'd done to you. The fact that, somewhere in his mind, he found it acceptable to hurt you like that terrified me. For so long, I'd admired and loved him, and then when I finally got to be with him, I realized that hidden side of him I dreamed he had - that was the antithesis of his outer personality - never existed. Perhaps it was too arrogant of me to have thought I would have been the one to make him change his bad habits…I guess I got overly presumptuous as far as my own worth."
I looked him in the eyes. "Raphael's behavior is not your fault; it was never your job to change him, Donny. The problem wasn't ever you – it was him. But he'll regret losing such an incredible person."
"Now is not the time to inflate my ego, Leo", Donny said with a half-hearted chuckle.
I rested my hand on his shoulder and gently rubbed his tensed skin. "Are you going to be okay?"
He held my hand in his own, his skin unusually soft. "Eventually, I'll be fine. But…there's something else I want to talk about with you."
"Oh? What is it?"
For the first time in quite a long while, Donny seemed to have a difficult time finding the right words…he visibly and verbally struggled trying to decide how to say what was on his mind. "Leo…I…I don't want to be alone, but I also am afraid of loving again because I fear what happened with Raphael will happen again."
"That won't be too hard. You just need to find someone who isn't a sex hound like Raph.", I shrugged.
"I already have", he said and looked up at me with a hopeful gaze. My heart was fluttering madly again for the first time in quite a while. "I want to be with someone who loves me for who I am, and not for just my body. And I want to be with someone who isn't abusive to others."
My heart was pounding…was Donny saying what I think he was saying? Part of me wanted to just tackle him and give him the deepest and most passionate kiss possible right there, but the other part of me thought it was too good to be true and just assumed he was referring to someone else. I blinked confusedly at him, hoping he'd answer the question my expression asked.
"What are you saying, Donny?"
He held my hand in his own. "You sacrificed your body in order to protect me…in the process, you also sacrificed many things you'd never get back…all so I could be safe. No one has ever cared so much about me, and as heartbreaking as it was to learn what Raphael did to you, I saw a love I could have never fathomed existed for someone like me."
Those butterflies were everywhere within me and they were driving me mad. Was he going to finally accept me? The suspense was tearing me apart, and part of me could only think his implications were so auspicious that they challenged belief.
"...Donny…", I said with a slight pant in my voice, feeling somewhat breathless at what I assumed my brother was trying to tell me.
His eyes looked absolutely stunning as the glow of my room light radiated against them, making them sparkle like polished gems. "I'm saying that I want to give us a try, Leo."
I was completely astounded. "Y-you do?"
Donny nodded. "I was reluctant to say this to you because a small part of me feared you would betray me too. But…I trust you, my brother. I want to be with you…if you will still have me, that is."
I didn't even answer verbally…I blissfully threw myself at my brother and wrapped my arms around him. Tears were streaming down my face as I was finally able to hold close the one I was completely smitten about. He wiped my tears away and, for what seemed like an eternity, I looked into his striking eyes and gently fiddled with the loose ends of his mask. He began to pull me closer, never once breaking eye contact, and we gently pressed our lips together. There was no animalistic lust or fierce passions here like I'd had with Mikey – we simply held one another and kissed very warmly, while I felt as though I had reached heaven while still retaining an earthly existence. Right then, I cared about no one but my brother – I didn't care about my envy toward Michelangelo, I didn't care about the way Raphael abused me, I didn't care what Sensei thought, and I didn't care about any innocent person on the surface who might end up the victim of senseless violence. The one I loved was finally mine, and at that moment, nothing else in the world mattered to me.
When we broke our kiss, I pulled my lips only about an inch from his before whispering, "I love you, Donatello." I knew that was a really brazen thing to say considering we were basically just starting our relationship. I hoped I did not make him uncomfortable saying that to him, although it most certainly would not have been the first time I'd asserted my love for him.
His gaze besotted, he replied in kind. "I love you too, Leonardo", with his lips so close to my own that I could feel his mouth forming those wonderful words against my skin. The sensation was alluring, yet loving, and my handsome suitor appeared just as pleased as I was about our newfound harmony.
Years of surreptitious passion finally had paid off. Donatello was mine.
Author's Note: And that concludes Gorgeous Shade of Blue; Leonardo managed to end up in Donatello's arms after years of secretly loving him - awwwwwww, how sweet! I would like to take this time to extend my undying thanks to everyone who has read the story. It was the encouragement of the readers that helped keep me working on this story to its completion. I'm so glad to see how well-received this fanfiction was, even among some of the folks who are not fans of Ninja Turtles slash fics. Thank you all again so much. Hope you enjoyed reading the story!
Author's Note 2: This is still up in the air - and goes against my previous claims that this story would conclude the series - but there is currently a fourth part being considered. So, this series may very well become a quadrilogy! No promises, though...if it progresses well enough for a couple of chapters, it will get posted. :)