Inspired by Ame Warashi's devianART drawings of the Volturi mug shots.

shifty eyes- Not that either or us know what it's like to get a mug shot. Or go to prison for that matter. –shifty eyes again-

Then again you never know…..

OOC Characters. Don't own Twilight (Or the Barenaked Ladies song 'Jane')… same old…same old… Oh, and Felix goes bonkers, funness though, lots of funness.

A side of the Volturi like you've never seen before.



"Let's go mug somebody."

"Felix no," Demitri groaned, rested his head back against the stone wall.

"But it was fun, the guy never saw it coming." Felix protested in boredom as he paced the long and elaborately decorated hallway.

"That's because he was blind stupid." Alec retorted from his little corner where he sat reading a book.

"I'll make you blind if you don't shut up about mugging someone." Demitri growled from where he stood. Alec rolled his eyes, going back to reading 'Criminalistics for Dummies'.

"A-hem," A booming voice sounded from the end of the hall, making a few of the guard members jump. "Felix, come." Aro called, smiling as Felix walked over, trying to hide his smile as well. As he approached him, Aro reached out to grab his shoulder. He frowned as he read Felix thoughts but merely shrugged as his smile returned.

"I have a special, erm, treat for you…" Felix rose his eyebrows but followed Aro into the large circular room. The giant doors slammed behind them as Alec set down his book, smirking.

"So who won the bet?" He asked, leaning forward. Heidi rolled her eyes, lying back down on the couch.

"Demitri said five and I bet seven." She closed her eyes as Alec nodded at Gianna.

"How long did it last?" Gianna looked down at her wrist, checking her watch.

"…Six minutes, and forty-two second and counting." Heidi smiled as Demitri frowned.

"But we didn't…I mean, it was only one pixie stick. It couldn't have lasted that long." He protested as Alec stood, walking over the Demitri, holding out his hand.

"Come on bud, hand it over." Demitri growled, dropping his car keys into Alec's waiting palm. Clutching his hand tightly, he then sauntered over to Heidi, dropping the keys onto her flat stomach.

"Oi vey." She said as Alec shrugged and walked away. She sat up, dangling the keys in front of Demitri's face. "Sorry sweetie, but it would seem that you've lost yet another bet."

With a huff, Demitri folded his arms over his chest, in a bit of a mocking-pout sort of fashion.

"Just don't hit anything." He muttered, watching Heidi walk away, laughing. He shot a glare at Alec who shrugged, turning back to his book.

"What?" Alec snapped up at him after a few minutes.

"Nothing," Demitri growled at him.

"Fine then, stop staring at me. You're creeping me out."

"Please," Demitri muttered. "Your face is enough to creep anyone out." Alec snarled and threw his book to the floor, standing to glare up at Demitri.

"You-!" The two growled at each other, and were about to break into an all-out brawl when Aro poked his head back into the room.

"Erm, could um, could the two of you…come help me for a minute?" Alec and Demitri tore their glare away from each other to give Aro a strange look.

"Why?" Demitri smacked Alec on the back of his head, earning another growl from the boy.

"Just, hurry. Please, Felix….there was…..Well, you should just see for yourself." Aro shot the two a pleading look before disappearing from view behind the door. They stood there for a minute or two, still confused.

"GET IN HERE NOW!" Aro yelled, causing the other two to sprint into the room just in time for Aro to yell "GET DOWN FROM THERE!" to Felix.

Demitri froze as he stared up at the ceiling to find Felix dangling from a chandelier. Alec burst out laughing, falling to his knees as Felix began his little singing/rant fest.

"BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!" He yelled, swinging. Alec fell onto his side, clutching his stomach as he laughed.

"FELIX! GET. DOWN. NOW!" Marcus yelled at the head of guard, getting a raspberry from Felix.

"MAKE ME GRANDPA!" Marcus frowned, growling. Demitri, having finally broken out of his daze, made his way over to Aro, who was busy throwing his shoes at Felix, trying to get him down.

"Aro, how did….How did this happen?" He asked the black haired man as he chucked one of his shoes at the crazy man's head. Aro smiled feebly, and shrugged.

"Shoe please," Aro said, holding out his hand.

"What? Oh, of course." Demitri bent over, quickly taking off his shoe and handing it to Aro. Aro nodded, and lobbed it as hard as he could at Felix's head.

"AH!" Felix yelled, grabbing his head with one hand and held onto the chandelier with the other. "THAT WAS MY GOOD EYE! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MMMMMEEEE!!!!" Marcus blinked, shooting Aro a worried glance.

"ARO." Demitri practically shouted to the oblivious man before him.

"YO- What?" Aro snapped, glaring at Demitri while holding out his hand for the vampire's other shoe.

"How did this happen? Why is Felix-" He gestured at the lunatic screaming his lungs out (singing 'Ring-around-the-Rosie') with one hand. "-Acting like this?"

"Oh," Aro said as he took Demitri's other shoe. "Well," He threw it at the one hand Felix was using to hold on to the chandelier with, making him yelp. "There was this one human you see, and we didn't know what to do with him so…" He looked Demitri in the eye while he pointed at Felix.

"So…You fed him to Felix?" Aro nodded bluntly, looking around the room for something else to throw.

"Well, yes. But we didn't know…" He gazed up at him again. "That there'd be this reaction…"

"Did the man come from an asylum then or something?" Aro shrugged, now throwing a candelabra up in the air.

"Perhaps, but it's more what was in the man's system, then in his head." Demitri blinked, dropping the chair he was about to attack Felix with.

"You mean….there were……some, er, illegal substances in his system?" Aro dropped the candle he was holding in laughter.

"No, no, it was er…" Aro bit his lip, trying to stifle his laughter. "No, it was……"

"Was what?" The guard asked, tossing the chair at Felix. Aro shook his head, still laughing.

"It was………Sugar. Lots and lots of sugar." At this Demitri too snickered, getting a glare from Marcus, Caius, and Alec, who were all busy still throwing things at Felix, who was now singing 'Random-Things-Are-Being-Thrown-At-Me.'

After a few minutes of chuckling and chucking things, Alec stopped, and strode over to Caius.

"You do know," He began, keeping his voice level. "That you could just ask Jane to get him down?" As if on cue, Jane appeared, strolling through the open door slightly amused. Everyone else in the room –minus Felix who was completely oblivious- stopped what they were doing, and glanced down at the girl.

"Jane, would you be a dear a torture Felix down for us?" Jane rolled her eyes and nodded before glaring a hole in Felix's head. Her eyes narrowed as she concentrated on causing the poor man pain.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Felix yelled, holding his head with his hands. "NOBODY WOVES WITTLE Ol' ME! WOE IS ME! WOE!" Jane growled, and focused on his pain even more. Still, he clung to the ceiling decoration, clutching his head.

He now hung upside down with his foot caught between two of the candle supports.

"EE! EE! ME MONKEY!" He cried out in pain again, which quickly stopped as Jane stared at him in shock.

"What in the world did you guys do to him? Did you take out his brain and replace it with a monkey's?" Alec laughed again, holding his sides.

"Please! There was no brain to replace!" The rest of them sniggered, and burst into hysterics when Felix began to sing again, finally noticing Jane and smiling.

"Jane, Jane" He sang, smiling upside.

"What." Jane snapped at him, confused.

"I'd bring her gold and frankincense and myrrh, she thought that I was making fun of her, she made me feel I was fourteen again…" Jane frowned at him.

"What are you-?"

"Jane doesn't think a man could ever be faithful, Jane isn't giving me a chance to be shameful, Jane, Jane…" She opened her mouth, huffing indignantly.

"I wrote a letter, she should have got it yesterday, That life could be better by being together, Is what I cannot explain to Jane, The girl works at the store, sweet Jane St. Clair, Was dazzled by her smile while I shoplift there…" She glared at him, focusing on antagonizing him again, her annoyance helping her.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" She screamed at him as he shrieked in pain, falling from the ceiling.

"I'm a birdie! I'm flying! I IS JEBUS!" He shouted as he plunged headfirst onto the stone floor. "OOWWIIEE! I gots a boo-boo!"

"Oi," Caius muttered, turning to right what remained of the chairs and tables.

Demitri chuckled along with Alec as Felix lay on the ground, muttering about his 'boo-boo's and 'owie's. Exasperated, Marcus bent over, trying to pull the vampire out of the indent he'd made.

"Will you kiss my ouchie?" He said to Marcus, giving him great big puppy eyes.

"No." Marcus snapped as he helped the deranged man up.

"Thank-a-you." Felix said, giggling. He then proceeded to run around the room yelling, laughing, singing, and then yelling and laughing some more. Demitri shot another look at Jane who just shook her head, turning to leave the room.

"Hey, he's your problem now."


Sooo….How bad was it? I was originally planning on making a one-shot of most of the guard getting arrested, but I decided to make it into its own short story. Haha, what trouble will they get into now?

Next Chapter: 'Hit Me Baby One More Time!'