Tears That Shouldn't Fall.
Remus sat with his head in his hands.
He felt bitter tears surge forward but he bit them back with a sour determination.
His body was cold and frozen from where he'd been sat for the past few hours.
Frozen in shock.
Frozen in despair.
Frozen in denial.
'Remus… he found them, Voldemort found them.'
Only his pride had kept him from breaking down.
'Sirius betrayed them.'
In that moment his heart had broken in two.
Shattered into tiny, un-repairable pieces.
'No Albus, you're wrong… Sirius couldn't… he wouldn't… he…'
But still he wouldn't let the tears fall.
Why cry when it wasn't true?
Why cry when Sirius didn't do it?
Why cry about something that wasn't worth it?
'I'm sorry Remus, but it's true - Sirius was indeed the spy.'
He'd refused to believe it.
Refused to believe that Sirius was capable.
Refused to loose his faith in Sirius.
'He can't be! He wouldn't… Not James and n -not me! Heloved me! He wouldn' t do that to me!'
He'd left then.
Walked out the room and ran down to the lake.
He'd huddled up in a tight ball at the base of a tree, of their tree.
But still he refused to let himself cry.
Why cry for a lie?
Why cry for a twisted joke?
Sirius frowned and looked across to Remus.
"I don't get it." He whispered loudly.
Remus smirked and met his eyes, ignoring the rest of the order meeting. "Don't get what?"
"Voldemort. Does he just not feel at all?"
Remus frowned this time, "What do you mean?"
"Well you've told me several times that love lives inside evil and evil lives inside love."
"Point is?" Remus asked, not seeing what Sirius meant.
"Dumbledore is telling us that Voldemort doesn't love, that he despises that emotion."
"So surely, going by your theory, then Voldemort should be capable of love, even if only the tiniest amount." Sirius leant back on his chair slightly, clearly satisfied that he was right and Remus was wrong.
Remus murmured in his throat. "Well, yes I suppose. But Voldemort livesto kill and destroy. I guess in some sort of twisted way, that's his only love - if you can even call it that."
Sirius grimaced but nodded thoughtfully. "So what is love then?"
Remus rolled his eyes, "How many times have you asked me that?"
Sirius grinned. "Loads and only because you don't have an answer."
"Aaah, but I do this time."
"Go on then." By now, several people were watching them with interest.
"When you truly love someone, no matter what happens, you'll always forgive them and be there to help them." He lifted his stare from the table and met Sirius' eyes with a blush. "True love lasts forever no matter what's flung at it."
Sirius' eyes glazed over and he didn't answer.
At the end of the meeting, Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him over to a side.
"I love you Rem, and Iknow that whatever happens, I always will."
Remus shuffled his feet nervously.
"I know Sirius and I love you too."
Sirius smiled softly, "Even if I mess up?"
Remus smiled back. "Even if you mess up."
Even back then, the question had seemed suspicious but Remus had shrugged it off.
But now.. Now it was all coming back.
Memory after memory pelting themselves at him.
Sharp, painful memories.
He curled up tighter, still refusing to cry.
Why should he cry?
Why should he cry for somebody that didn't need it?
Why cry for something that wasn't true?
He bit his lip and shut his eyes tightly.
Remus couldn't believe it.
Wouldn't believe it.
Sirius wouldn't do it.
"Why would he?" He whispered sharply into the wind. "WHY WOULD HE!?"
He wanted an answer, he wanted reasoning, he wanted to know.
"WHY WOULD HE KILL HIS BEST FRIEND!?" He screamed, his throat feeling as though it was tearing in two. "TELL ME! WHY?"
He clutched at the twigs underneath his hands and watched with grim satisfaction as they crumbled into dust.
The Sirius he knew wasn't a killer.
The Sirius he knew wasn't a betrayer.
The Sirius he knew wasn't a liar.
He bit his tongue tightly.
He was alone now, Peter, James, Lily all dead.
He was worse than dead.
Lost in a way too painful to imagine.
Too painful to believe.
Why would Dumbledore lie about something like this?The voice of logic said inside his head. He must've done it… he must've killed them Remus, why-would-Dumbledore-lie?
He squeezed his eyes again and tried to block out the voice.
He did it Remus, he did it and you know it.
He bit his lip again, hot blood trickled into his mouth and the stinging pain brought about satisfaction.
Think about it… think what he wanted you to promise him… think about his behaviour recently.
He started shaking angrily.
Sirius wouldn't do it.
How do you know that? Are you doubting Dumbledore?
Dumbledore was never wrong.
See? You know that and still you refuse to believe it.
But What if Dumbledore was wrong?
What if somebody had framed Sirius?
What if somebody else was the betrayer?
He's a cold blooded murderer and you know it.
Remus knew that Sirius had that black streak inside him, that god forsaken black streak.
But Sirius wouldn't stretch this far…
But Sirius wouldn't…
He didn't want the doubt.
He didn't need the doubt because Sirius didn't do it.
You know it was him, who else could it have been? He was the secret keeper after all.
The voice inside his head refused to stop.
Pushing him, prodding him, undermining his defences.
It isn't a joke or a prank Remus, you're not at school anymore. This is real and you know it.
Remus staggered up to his feet and stood next to the turmoil of black water.
Dumbledore doesn't lie. The order doesn't lie.
A new emotion took over.
Too strong to throw off.
Too loud to ignore.
A murderer. that's what he is. Just like his family.
The burning anger seeped within him and lodged inside his heart.
A murderer. A murderer that betrayed you. A murderer that destroyed you.
Remus stood tall against the wind, his eyes glowing fiercely.
A murderer that took your heart. He knew he would do it…we knew he would do it… and yet… yet you still promised to forgive him no matter what.
He knew he should hate Sirius.
Yet how can you hate the one you love?
He murdered your best friend Remus, he left his godson parentless.
Another truth knocked on the door.
A truth he refused to let it.
A truth he refused to listen to.
A truth he refused to acknowledge.
He left you behind Remus, he knew what he was doing and he left you behind.
He knew he should be angry, he knew he should hate Sirius' guts.
But how can you hate your lover?
Hate him Remus. Just hate him!
Remus stalked over to the waters edge and looked down into the twisting waves.
Is it possible to turn love into hate?
Hate him or love a murderer.
Sirius loved him, Remus knew that.
Sirius loved him.
He loved you and yet he left you.
Their conversation once again rang around his mind.
'… Love can live in evil… evil can live in love.'
'…evil can live in love.'
Sirius wasn't evil.
He'd just … made a mistake.
A huge mistake.
Hating him is easier than reasoning Remus, just hate him.
He didn't want to.
Just say it. Just say 'I hate him'.
Remus gritted his teeth.
Love and hate so similar.
But so difficult to reverse.
He felt a hand on his shoulder but he didn't react.
If it was death eaters, then let them kill him.
He had nothing left.
Nothing to live for.
So kill him.
"Remus? I've been looking for you." Albus said, barely audible above the roaring wind.
Remus twisted out of the old mans grip.
"I know how you feel, loosing something so dear to you because of the one you love."
"I don't… I don't love him." Remus said sharply.
"You do. You do Remus and that, that his why this hurts so much!"
Remus shook his head. "But he didn't do it!"
Once again tears bubbled underneath the surface.
"Sirius wouldn't do this… not to James! And not - and not to me!" He cried desperately, his hands balling into fists.
"But he did." Dumbledore stated sadly. "He did do it."
"NO! HE LOVES ME! HE WOULDN'T -" He broke off mid sentence, his voice breaking.
"None of us thought he would." Dumbledore said calmly. "None of us believed he would."
"But you did." Reus shot back venomously. "You did, you always suspected that he was the spy. I bet your pleased. Another tick for the Dumbledore!"
He could feel his heart beat racing, his mind shutting off, his senses awakening.
Every muscle in his body tensed.
Trying to make sense of it all.
"Remus… You know he did it, deep down you know he did." Dumbledore put a comforting hand on Remus' shoulder.
"No… I don't love murderers." Remus said stubbornly.
His life had ended that day… hearing those words… knowing that Sirius had never truly loved him.
Yet he couldn't bring himself to hate Sirius.
Couldn't bring himself to.
He got up from his seat, cracking his stiff joints and walked over to the window.
The almost full moon peeked behind a cloud.
Tomorrow night would be the first full moon since Lily and James had died.
His first full moon in a long time without Sirius by his side.
Without Sirius there to comfort him.
Without Sirius there to ease his pain.
Remus longed to despise him.
Longed to hate him.
But he couldn't.
'…I love you Rem, no matter what…'
Sirius had taken to saying that three times a day.
Three times a day Remus longed to hear it again.
'… I'll always love you…'
And now, now Sirius was rotting away in Azkaban.
'…we'll always be together you and I Rem, can't split us up easily…'
Well Azkaban had done that.
Azkaban had torn them apart.
'… we're canines and canines should stick together…'
Sirius had always had a way with words.
Remus smiled sadly, his eyes welling up.
How could he hate somebody like that?
How could he?
The tears tried to fall but Remus desperately blinked them back.
Sirius was a murderer…
…and murderers don't deserve tears.
I like writing depressing stuff it's . . . depressing.
Had options this week so have been busy... A nice review would make me feel better ...
Just incase you didn't get it... it's how Remus takes Lily n James deaths and Sirius' betrayal.
P.s if anyone has any ideas for Broken Dreams... Do tell.