X. Scene Four. Utopia/The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords (Les Miserables)

All songs (Boubil/Schönberg/Kretzmer) unless otherwise indicated.

[The TARDIS lands in Cardiff. JACK HARKNESS runs toward it.

Song. LOVELY DOCTOR (LOVELY LADIES)

JACK. I SMELL DOCTOR,

SMELL 'IM IN THE AIR—

[In the TARDIS, THE DOCTOR refuels.

THE DOCTOR. THINK I'LL REFUEL A LITTLE

IN THIS PROLOGUE—

MARTHA. DO I DARE

ASK WHERE WE ARE?

THE DOCTOR. CARDIFF IN A PINCH—(looks at the view screen, sees JACK)

REMIND YOU OF SEASON ONE,

THEN WE'RE OFF IN A CINCH.

[He takes off; JACK leaps to grab the TARDIS.

JACK. DOC-TOOOOOOR! THE ROUGH RIDE IS A BI . . .

[He is drowned out as they hurtle toward the end of the universe. They land and exit the TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR. The year one trillion.

MARTHA. Now you're just showin' off. Looks like a Welsh quarry to me.

LOVELY DOCTOR,

I'M WAITING FOR A BITE—(sees JACK apparently dead)

HOLD ON, WHO IS THIS BLOKE

WHO LOOKS DEAD IN THE NIGHT?

[She bends down to give him CPR.

THE DOCTOR. I wouldn't . . . Martha, you don't know where that mouth's been . . .

[JACK wakes up.

MARTHA. My God, I'm getting this all wrong? You're supposed to be the resurrectionist!

JACK. LOVELY LADY,

NICE TO KISS YOUR HAND—

THE DOCTOR. QUIT IT, JACK, YOU'RE SUCH A PRAT!

JACK. YOU'RE JEALOUS!

MARTHA. CAN YOU STAND?

[She helps him up.

JACK. YOU'VE GOT ME PRETTY WELL UNMANNED!

(to THE DOCTOR) ARE YOU SURPRISED

TO SEE ME ALIVE AFTER SATELLITE FIVE?

ALIVE AND WELL?

THE DOCTOR. YOU'RE SWELL, ER, LOOKING QUITE GOOD.

JACK. YOU ABANDONED ME!

MARTHA. WHAT'S ALL THIS? I ADMIT THE TWO OF YOU TURN ME ON.

JACK. AND WHAT OF ROSE?

MARTHA. I'M SICK OF ROSE . . .

JACK. THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

THE DOCTOR. ER, SHE'S OKAY . . .

NOW IT'S MY JOB

TO MAKE THIS EXCHANGE SOME SORT OF BLOG!

[They all start walking and find a dead city.

THE DOCTOR. We're so far out even the stars have burnt out.

MARTHA. Okay, but where's the light coming from?

JACK. Wherever the music's coming from.

[A rock soundtrack plays as the FUTUREKIND bare their sharpened teeth.

Song. LOOK EIGHTIES (WORK SONG)

FUTUREKIND. LOOK EIGHTIES, LOOK EIGHTIES,

LIKE MAD MAX GONE TO POT,

LOOK EIGHTIES, LOOK EIGHTIES,

WE'RE OUT TO SCARE YOUR SNOT!

[They all begin to roar. A hapless human starts running away from them. They pursue.

THE DOCTOR. Oh look. Someone escaped from 28 Days Later.

JACK. I desperately want to shoot something.

THE DOCTOR. Down, boy.

[They start running after the human to the gates of a compound.

JACK. I missed this!

MARTHA. You must really be a masochist!

[The human, JACK, THE DOCTOR, and MARTHA make it into the compound.

THE DOCTOR. What's going on?

[PROFESSOR YANA and his assistant CHANTHO appear.

(Page/Plant)

YANA. AND WE'RE BUILDING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN . . .

THE DOCTOR. Hey, wait a second. You're dressed just like I was, about eight hundred years ago.

YANA. Whaa? I'm an Actor—come help me with the rocket!

CHANTHO. Chan1LOVELY PEOPLE

EVEN YOU WHO BEARS A HAND (as JACK pulls out THE DOCTOR's severed hand)

I'M KINDA A SEXY BUG—tho

JACK. MORE SO THAN I'D PLANNED!

LOVELY CHANTHO—

MARTHA—DOCTOR—WOW!

WE COULD HAVE AN ORGY--!

THE DOCTOR. OH, YOU, STOP IT NOW!

[THE DOCTOR and JACK go to help YANA.

Song. HAPPY TO SERVE/ SKY OF DIAMONDS (A HEART FULL OF LOVE)

MARTHA. A HEART FULL OF LOVE,

ONE ALL SEASON LONG—

I'M DOING EVERYTHING ALL WRONG!

CHANTHO. CHAN I DOUBT IT THO

MARTHA. THAT'S CUTE, NOT DUMB, YOU KNOW?

(of YANA) WHAT DO YOU SAY,

IS HE GAY?

CHANTHO. Chan A HEART FULL OF LOVE,

THOUGH HAPPY JUST TO SERVE tho . . .

MARTHA. DON'T YOU GET TIRED OF BEING TRAGIC?

CHANTHO. Chan IT'S A BIT ABSURD tho!

[A young boy, CREET, walks by MARTHA on the way to the rocket.

MARTHA. HEY, LET'S BOND WITH THIS GUY!

CREET. DID YOU KNOW THE SKY

IS ALL DIAMONDS? DON'T ASK WHY . . .

(Lennon/McCartney)

MARTHA. LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS,

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS—

[Meanwhile, THE DOCTOR and YANA brainstorm.

THE DOCTOR. And who would have thunk, using food particles to connect everything!

YANA. I agree it's messy, but sometimes if you're hungry and you'd like an Aero . . .

THE DOCTOR. Ah, but I'm gluten intolerant. Can't eat that bit there.

[JACK runs in.

JACK. A Futurekind infiltrator has sabotaged the radiation room, and I'm the only one who can go in there!

THE DOCTOR. Hmm, a useless dangerous situation—brings to mind "The End of the World."

YANA. It's all derivative—there's "Logopolis," "Frontios," "Full Circle," and "Survival" in here too.

PARODY WRITER. Yes, but I love this episode, dammit!

JACK. Guys!! I wanna strip!

THE DOCTOR. Needlessly?

JACK. Of course!

["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays as JACK strips. He runs into the radiation room as THE DOCTOR smoulderingly puts his face against the window.

LOVELY DOCTOR, Cont'd.

JACK. LOVELY DOCTOR—

MAXING OUT SUBTEXT—

IT'S REALLY EXPOSITION

BUT THIS SCENE'S STILL SCREAMIN' SEX.

THE DOCTOR. BUT YOU'RE FRIGHTENING,

THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU THE BOOT,

AND NEVER CAME TO RESCUE YOU,

MY LOVELY YANKEE FRUIT.

JACK. Does it make you jealous I was watching Rose growing up on the estate in the '90s?

THE DOCTOR. It rather creeps me out, actually.

[YANA, CHANTHO, and MARTHA.

Song. ALWAYS LATE (VALJEAN ARRESTED)

MARTHA. TELL ME QUICKLY, WHAT'S YOUR STORY—

YANA. THERE'S THIS DRUMMING IN MY HEAD

AND INSTEAD OF BEING KINDLY,

YOU'LL WISH YOU'D SHOT ME DEAD.

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND EVER WAS

LATE AND LOST AND SO

I WILL HAND YOU NOW MY FOB WATCH—

MARTHA. ALL I CAN SAY IS WHOA!

FOBWATCH. TIME LORDS, REGENERATION . . .

MURRAY GOLD HAS GOT IT MADE.

MARTHA. I'D BETTER, ER, GET OUT OF HERE . . .

YANA. OKAY, I'VE GOT A MIGRAINE . . .

[MARTHA runs to tell THE DOCTOR of her suspicions as the FUTUREKIND break in and YANA opens his watch as the rocket launches.

Song. CONFRONTATION

THE DOCTOR. YANA! AT LAST!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[YANA seals himself in.

YANA. YOU STUPID BUG—

YOU REALLY MAKE ME GROAN . . .

CHANTHO. Chan BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART IN TWO,

BEFORE YOU MURDER ME SENSELESSLY,

YOU'D BETTER GIVE THEM SATISFACTION THO:

YANA. I AM THE MASTER MUHAHAHAHAHA!

[He electrocutes her. As her dying act, she shoots him. He stumbles into the TARDIS, taking THE DOCTOR's hand.

THE DOCTOR. THERE IS NONE BUT ME CAN INTERCEDE—

IN MERCY'S NAME, DON'T TAKE MY TARDIS, PLEASE!

[In the TARDIS, THE MASTER regenerates.

THE DOCTOR. THE MASTER.

BELIEVE OF ME WHAT YOU WILLMEN LIKE US CAN ALWAYS CHANGE

WE'RE THE LAST SO LET'S JUST BE CALM!MEN LIKE US CAN ALWAYS CHANGE

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY LIFE--I WANT TO BE PRETTY

AND FETCHING LIKE YOU!

ALL I DID WAS FLASH A SMILEYOU HAVE NO RIGHT!

AND IF I CAPTURED FANDOM'S HEARTS-- COME WITH ME, TARDIS,

WITH YOU I THINK IT TAKES AWHILE

TO REALIZE YOU'RE A RUBBISH HAM!NOW THE WHEEL HAS TURNED AROUND

I'M EVERYTHING THE AUDIENCE WANTS!

I AM WARNING YOU, MASTERDARE YOU TALK TO ME OF TIME?

I'M THE BETTER ACTOR BY FAR--I KNOW THE '70S VERY WELL

THERE ARE RATINGS IN ME YET--EV'RY SHOW IS BORN IN CAMP,

I'M STILL TOM BAKER'S HEIR. EV'RY SONG MUST CHOOSE ITS RHYME.

I AM WARNING YOU, JOHN SIMM, YOU KNOW NOTHING OF DRAMA,

IF I HAVE TO PUT ON MY GLASSES ALL YOU'VE DONE IS CASANOVA,

I'LL DO WHAT MUST BE DONE! I LOOK DOWN ON SCUM LIKE YOU,

I WILL STEAL RATINGS FROM YOU!

THE MASTER. Suckah!

[He leaves THE DOCTOR, MARTHA, and JACK prey to the FUTUREKIND.

FANS. The sonic screwdriver does everything!

[MARTHA, JACK, and THE DOCTOR, use the vortex manipulator to materialize in a London alleyway.

Song. AT THE END OF THE DAY

PEOPLE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, WE ALL VOTED SAXON

BECAUSE HE WAS CHEEKY AND WE LIKED HOW HE LOOKED.

HE'S ON TV AND HE'S NEAT—

MARTHA. THAT VOICE SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR—

[In 10 Downing Street, SAXON--THE MASTER—directs TISH.

TISH. ONE MORE DAY STANDING ABOUT—

SAXON. ISN'T SHE SWEET?

THE DOCTOR. OH, HE ISN'T THAT CROOKED! . . . Is he?

[They see SAXON on TV as the new Prime Minister.

THE DOCTOR. AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU HUMANS ARE LOOPY

AND YOU BRITS ARE AT FAULT HERE MORE THAN MOST—

MARTHA. HEY, THE RIGHTEOUS HURRY PAST—

THE DOCTOR. THE SLITHEEN PUT INTO POWER—

JACK. WE'RE LOSING THE PLOT THREAD FAST!

THE DOCTOR. IS THAT A GHOST?

MARTHA. NO, THAT'S HIS MISSUS.

[SAXON puts his cabinet into "seclusion."

SAXON. AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE STINKING TRAITORS

AND I'M PUTTING THIS GAS MASK ON JUST TO LOOK COOL

POLITICIAN. WE'RE BRITISH STIFF UPPER LIP—

SAXON. YOU'RE ABOUT TO BREAK ANY SECOND—

POLITICIAN. WE DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR QUIPS!

SAXON. YOUR RECKONING'S STILL TO BE RECKONED

THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO PAY

AT THE END OF THE DAY!

[He gives them the thumbs up as he gases them all and taps out the drums rhythm.

In another room, VIVIEN ROOK interviews LUCY SAXON.

ROOK. AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY THINK YOUR HEAD'S EMPTY—

LUCY. AND YOU'RE A STEREOTYPE FROM MILES AWAY,

ROOK. THESE PICTURES ALL ARE FAKE,

THERE WAS NO HARRY SAXON

YESTERDAY.

LUCY. BUT I'M COUNTING MY BLESSINGS.

[SAXON walks in.

SAXON. AH, MRS ROOK YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE

HER NAME WAS HARRIET; SHE DIDN'T LAST LONG.

NOW MEET MY FRIENDS THE TOCLAFANE

AS I FINISH THIS SONG.

[The TOCLAFANE kill ROOK.

At MARTHA's flat, JACK makes tea.

PARODY WRITER. Very sensible.

MARTHA. AT THE END OF THE DAY, HE MADE YOU FEEL HAPPY,

JACK. LIKE A QUART OF JACK DANIELS TO LAST YOU THE WEEK.

THE DOCTOR. HE CONTROLS YOUR MOBILE PHONES,

YOU'RE REALLY A BUNCH OF IDIOTS, AREN'T YOU?

SAXON. (on TV) I GIVE OFF PHEROMONES

AS I BLOW UP THE FOLKS WHO

MIGHT GET IN MY WAY . . .

[MARTHA, JACK, and THE DOCTOR flee the flat just as her TV blows up.

SAXON. AT THE END OF THE DAY.

MARTHA. I'm checking on my family.

THE DOCTOR. Marfa, don't.

MARTHA. You parochial, sexist alien pig.

[FRANCINE picks up.

FRANCINE. WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE, LITTLE INNOCENT MARTHA?

CLIVE. COME ON, FRANCINE, LET'S HAVE ALL THE NEWS.

FRANCINE. MARTHA, COME HOME NOW, WE'RE NOT SINISTER, THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.

CLIVE. GIVE THAT MOBILE TO ME,

MARTHA, GET GOING!

[He's cut off as MARTHA's family is captured. There's an exciting chase scene.

LEO. MARTHA, WHAT'S ALL THIS FIGHTING ABOUT?

MARTHA. WILL SOMEONE HELP ME OUT?

SAXON. OH, SURE, I WILL, MARTHA . . .

[She hands the phone over to THE DOCTOR.

Song. PHONE CALL (WALTZ OF TREACHERY)

PARODY WRITER. WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO SAY?

NEVER THOUGHT THAT I'D SEE THE DAY

THAT THE DOC AND MASTER, AS WELL

CONFRONTED EACH OTHER VIA A CELL . . .

SAXON. DOCTOR, PLEASE, SAY MY NAME—

TO NOT AMP UP THE STEAM'D BE A SHAME.

THE DOCTOR. DOCTOR HERE—LIKE YOUR SUIT,

TOO BAD OUR HOME PLANET'S GONE KAPUT!

SAXON. THAT CAN'T BE—YOU'RE A LIAR!

THOUGH I HAVE TO SAY, DOCTOR, YOU SET ME ON FIRE!

LIKE THE SUNS OF GALLIFREY, ON FIRE!

THE DOCTOR. ONE THING MORE, ONE SMALL DOUBT,

OI, THE TOCLAFANE—WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

SAXON. NO OFFENSE—TELL YOUR CHUMS

THAT YOU ARE ALL FUGITIVES ON THE RUN!

[He hangs up and watches Teletubbies.

THE DOCTOR. He says, Jack, that your team is in the Himalayas.

JACK. Oh dammit, Gwen's wearing a snow parka and I'm missing it! On second thought—Ianto's probably wearing a big woolly jumper—pass!

THE DOCTOR. Er. Let's get chips.

[They eat chips in an abandoned building.

MARTHA. The viewers demand exposition, Doctor.

JACK. The ones who haven't been paying attention for the last forty years don't know about the Master.

MARTHA. And the ones who have want to see Gallifrey!

Song. DREAM OF GALLIFREY (CASTLE ON A CLOUD)

THE DOCTOR. THERE IS A SCHISM IN A VOID

WE LIKE TO STAND THERE WHEN WE'RE EIGHT

WHY WE DO THIS, I COULDN'T SAY—

NOT IN THIS VOID IN GALLIFREY.

THE MASTER LOOKED IN IT, IT MADE HIM MAD—

AT LEAST THAT'S THERE TO MAKE SOME SENSE.

THE VILLAINS MUST HAVE REASON, NOT MALICE—

EVEN TIME LORDS IN GALLIFREY.

[As he sings this, there's a flashback to the Citadel, pretty Time Lord costumes, etc.

FANS. Whogasm!

THE DOCTOR. By Jove, I've got it! The Master's using the Archangel Network to transmit a brainwashing rhythm to get everyone to vote for him. I'll add a perception filter to those TARDIS keys so we can spy. Do you two fancy me?

MARTHA and JACK. Yes.

THE DOCTOR. Too bad! I can't see it!

[SAXON greets the American PRESIDENT.

Song. MASTER OF . . . WELL, EVERYTHING (MASTER OF THE HOUSE)

SAXON. WELCOME, M'SIEUR

WON'T YOU HAVE TEA?

REALLY I THINK

YOU'RE TOO AMERICAN FOR ME.

PRESIDENT. YOU'RE AN INSANE

NUTTY RETARD.

I'LL MAKE FIRST CONTACT!

SAXON. OH, HOIST YOUR PETARD!

[PRESIDENT boards Air Force One.

SAXON. SELDOM DO YOU SEE

WELL-DRESSED MEN LIKE ME:

A FLASH OF PERTWEE CAPE—

I'M CONTENT TO BE . . .

[THE DOCTOR, MARTHA, and JACK teleport to the ship Valiant and inside the TARDIS.

JACK. He's cannibalized it. A Paradox Machine.

THE DOCTOR. Bloody pirate!

[The TOCLAFANE appear.

SAXON. . . . MASTER OF THE LAND,

MASTER OF IT ALL!

DERANGED, INDEBTED TO

ERIC ROBERTS—FULL

OF KOOKY LINES

AND DEADLY STRIKES (he has the TOCLAFANE kill the PRESIDENTJACK rushes to intercede)

HOW, 'BOUT THAT JACK? I CAN

KILL YOU AS OFTEN AS I LIKE!

[JACK falls.

GLAD TO DO A FRIEND A FAVOR,

DOESN'T COST ME TO BE NICE—

I'VE A LASER SCREWDRIVER—

LET'S PUT THE DOC ON ICE!

[He ages THE DOCTOR a hundred years.

MARTHA. You just did that so Makeup could show off.

SAXON. For that, Martha Jones, I'm going to tell the Toclafane to decimate Earth's population.

[He does. JACK hands the vortex manipulator to MARTHA.

MARTHA. (with her best Austrian accent) I'll be back.

[People in the audience who have fallen asleep are prodded awake by PARODY WRITER. Someone holds up a hastily-written sign that says 1 Year Later.

MARTHA lands on a rugged shore.

Song. ON MY OWN

MARTHA. AND NOW I'M ALL ALONE AGAIN,

I'M WEARING POST-APOCALYPTIC

GEAR. GONE IS SEXY MARTHA—

NOW I'M MERELY SORT OF CRYPTIC.

AND NOW THERE'S AN OPENING FOR

FAN FICTION, AND WHAT'S MORE—

Who are you?

MILLIGAN. Tom Milligan, doctor-turned-freedom-fighter, conveniently single and fit. Is it true you walked across America?

(Seeger)

MARTHA. THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, THIS LAND IS MY LAND

FROM CALIFORNIA, TO THE NEW YORK ISLAND—

MILLIGAN. 'Kay.

MARTHA. SOMETIMES I WALK ALONE AT NIGHT AS THE WARSHIPS ARE BUILDING

I THINK OF HIM AND THEN I'M HAPPY WITH THE EXPOSITION I'M WIELDING.

THE MASTER WAGES WAR

AND I THINK ABOUT POOR . . . me.

ON MY OWN

PRETENDING THAT I'M EPIC.

ALL ALONE—

MILLIGAN. I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SCORCHIN'.

MARTHA. Shut up.

MILLIGAN. Yes, ma'am.

[On the Valiant, LUCY is waxen, THE DOCTOR lives in a kennel, the JONESES are hired help, and JACK is cheerfully tortured.

Song. BEGGARS AT THE FEAST

THE MASTER. AIN'T IT LAUGH,

AIN'T IT A SPADE?

MARTHA'S RELATIVES ARE

DRESSED UP LIKE FRENCH MAIDS?

THE DOCTOR'S A STIFF,

CATATONIC BORE.

JACK'S LOOKING OLDER,

THE TOCLAFANE SOAR.

EARTH IS AT MY FEET,

EARTH IS IN THE DUST—

AND HERE'S A SAD ATTEMPT

TO KNOCK ME ON MY DUFF . . .

[THE JONESES, JACK, and THE DOCTOR try to escape.

THE MASTER. You know, stealing someone's screwdriver can be considered foreplay.

THE DOCTOR. Just—no.

THE MASTER. Martha Jones, I hope you're watching telly.

[He suspends THE DOCTOR's capacity to regenerate, turning him into . . .

THE MASTER. Dobby!

RUSSELL T DAVIES. I'm sorry! I'd run out of good ideas by this point!

[MARTHA, MILLIGAN follow ALISON DOCHERTY to her lab.

Song. DOG EATS DOG.

MARTHA. HERE'S A TOCLAFANE

UGLY LITTLE THING

WE HAD BETTER OPEN IT,

SEE WHAT'S INSIDE.

[They open it. It's a cannibalized human.

TOCLAFANE. THANK YOU, MISS, I'M IN YOUR DEBT.

I'M JUST A TOY

THOUGH I WAS ONCE A BOY

WHO THOUGHT THE SKY

WAS FULL OF DIAMONDS—

HAVE I REPULSED YOU YET?

[MILLIGAN shoots it.

MARTHA. Paradox upon paradox. And you thought The Gallifrey Chronicles was bad.

DOCHERTY. WELL, SOMEONE'S GOT TO CLEAN THEM UP, MY FRIENDS.

MARTHA. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE

MY TIME-LORD-KILLING GUN?

I JUST NEED ONE MORE CHEMICAL—

DOCHERTY. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, HAVE FUN.

[MARTHA and MILLIGAN leave.

DOCHERTY. (as she dials the Archangel Network) IT'S A WORLD

WHERE THE DOGS EAT THE DOGS . . .

[In London, MARTHA hangs out with refugees.

Song. BRING HIM HOME

MARTHA. LONDONERS

HEAR MY PRAYER

AS I PREACH

I HOPE YOU'LL BE THERE.

HE IS OLD,

BUT HE'S MY GOD.

I LOVE HIM,

THROUGH THICK AND THIN.

BRING HIM HOME,

BRING HIM HOME,

BRING HIM HOME . . .

[THE MASTER calls her out into the street, where he kills MILLIGAN and destroys her gun. He takes her aboard the Valiant.

MARTHA. YOU'RE STUPID IF YOU THINK THAT THAT'S

ALL I'VE GOT. I'M SPIRITUAL, MAN.

HE'S PETER PAN,

HE'S FLIPPIN' CHRIST—

AND DON'T YOU THINK

IT'S TIME TO FLY?

THE DOCTOR. I AM OLD,

BUT I WON'T DIE!

[Somehow—psycho-kinetic energy from the Archangel Network, or some such--THE DOCTOR flies, glows, and returns to his youthful appearance. Everyone rounds on THE MASTER.

THE DOCTOR. LET HIM BE,

I FORGIVE!

[JACK destroys the Paradox Machine, the TOCLAFANE disappear, time reverses, and the only ones who remember the events of the last year are those on the Valiant.

RUSSELL T DAVIES. Deus ex machina, suckaz!

[LUCY shoots THE MASTER. THE DOCTOR catches him.

Song. FINALE

THE MASTER. NOW YOU ARE HERE

AGAIN BESIDE ME.

NOW I CAN DIE IN PERVERSITY;

HOW 'BOUT THAT, I WIN!

THE DOCTOR. YOU WILL LIVE, MASTER, YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE!

REGENERATE, DAMMIT, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

[THE MASTER dies. THE DOCTOR cries. In Cardiff . . .

JACK. I WILL STAY

IN CARDIFF 'CAUSE I LIKE IT.

BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW,

THOUGH I WON'T KICK THE BUCKET,

THEY CALLED ME ONCE

THE FACE OF BOE . . .

[In the TARDIS . . .

MARTHA. THIS IS ME,

THOUGH YOU'VE LED ME TO SALVATION,

KEEP YOUR LOVE—

I CAN'T HANDLE YOUR BLINDNESS.

AND REMEMBER

THE TRUTH THAT ONCE WAS SPOKEN . . .

A MOBILE GIVEN TO THE DOCTOR

IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD . . .

[The entire cast of the whole musical, writers and guest stars included, crowd onto the stage and sing.

ALL. WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR TV SHOW,

WHO WILL SUSPEND HIS DISBELIEF?

SOMEWHERE BEYOND IN SPACE YOU KNOW

YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US, SO IN BRIEF:

DO YOU HEAR THE TARDIS WHEEZE,

SAY, DO YOU HEAR THE CONSTANT DRUMS?

IT IS THE FUTURE THAT THEY BRING

WHEN TOMORROW COMES . . .

AHHH . . .

IN SEASON FOUR!!

[The bow of the Titanic ostensibly slams into the TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR. Not bloody again!

[Curtain. See you next year.

THE END!

1 In order to preserve syllable count for the rhythm in the songs, when Chantho sings Chan or Tho, it's uppercase, and when it's in lowercase, she speaks it really quickly with minimum disruption to the rhythm. That's what I tell myself, anyway.