Author's Notes I: This is for moonlettuce who asked for 'McKay/Sheppard or McKay/Sheppard/Lorne. I'm actually pretty easy after that. I love first time fics, or jealousy fics with a happy ending. In fact, a happy ending whatever is written, please :-)' Merry Christmas, moonlettuce. I hope this meets with your approval. This was inspired by a story I read some time ago that was Lorne/McKay and Sheppard realizes he's missed his chance with Rodney when he overhears them sharing their first kiss. This is nothing like that one. The title is taken from the song of the same name from Minus The Bear.

John's POV:

During one of those rare moments when the world isn't in danger of ending, I decide to relieve my boredom by working on my firearms proficiency. Not that I really need to, being the military commander and all.

"Ya gotta relax, Doc," Lorne's amused voice tells me that the shooting range is already occupied. Damn. So much for my planned alone-time.

Wonder which of the scientists Lorne has offered to 'teach' gun safety to, I think as I slow my approach to the open door of the range. Surely it's not Elizabeth. That would just be too weird, even for Lorne.

"Straighten your arms but be careful to not lock your elbows," Lorne continues with his instruction. "When the gun kicks if your elbows are locked you could seriously injure yourself. You also want to make sure you don't lock your knees. Seriously, Doc, relax!"

"Must you stand so close, Major?"

Rodney!? What the fuck? I poke my head around the door to see just what has McKay squawking like someone has his balls in a vice.

What I see is not what I ever want to. Not between my 2IC and my lead scientist. From the angle at which I'm standing I can tell that Lorne is pressed up against McKay's back so that they're touching from shoulder to ankle.

"Seriously, Major," Rodney huffs. "I know how to do this. In fact I hit my intended target 8 out of 10 times. Colonel Sheppard has made sure of that."

"I'm sure he has," Lorne replies in a tone that is not quite so easy to decipher.

Is that jealousy I hear in Lorne's voice? I muse with a smirk.

"Be that as it may, I'm responsible for making sure everyone – military and civilian alike – is up to date on their gun proficiency. And yours have been sadly lacking of late," Lorne continues, finally stepping back from McKay but letting his hands linger on the other man's shoulders.

That's all I need to see before my vision is clouded in red. I turn stiffly on my heel before I do something I know I'll regret. Something like challenge Lorne right then and there and then fuck McKay's brains out once I've won the privilege. A privilege I've been dreaming of ever since I first laid eyes on Rodney in Antarctica.

Several hours later, after trying to get the image of McKay and Lorne out of my head I snatch up my radio and order Lorne to my office. It isn't until he shows up that I realize I hadn't been entirely successful in keeping the anger out of my tone.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" he asks, licking his lips nervously.

"Yes, Major, I did," I answer, doing my best to keep my voice professional. "I saw you and McKay at the range."

"And?" he prompts when I don't elaborate. "I was just helping him with his firearms proficiency."

"That's not what it looked like," I inform him. "I could have you court-martialed."

"For what? I was just showing the man how to stand and hold the gun so he wouldn't get injured."

"Are you seriously arguing with me, Major?" I demand, getting to my feet.

"Sorry, Sir," he replies, dropping his gaze and squaring his shoulders.

"You were standing much too close to him and when you stepped back your hands lingered."

For several seconds we stare at each other, the look in Lorne's eyes saying that his mind is racing... and suddenly the light bulb goes off, and I realize Fuck. Way to be subtle, John. Why don't you just paint him a damn picture? I have to get him out of here before he tries to use it against me.

"Is this where you relieve me of duty, Sir?" His voice holds an emotion I can't, or won't, identify.

"No, this is where I tell you to stay away from McKay or I will report you," I answer, fighting the instinct to jump over my desk and knock Lorne out, then track McKay down and fuck him wherever he's standing, just so everyone knows that McKay is mine.

One of Lorne's eyebrows makes it way up his forehead. "I thought I was responsible for everyone's firearms proficiency," he replies, his tone going neutral telling me he knows I'm hovering on the edge of forgetting all about DADT and making this personal.

"Not anymore," I inform him. "At least not with McKay. From here on out I'll be handling his proficiency."

"Understood, Sir."

Again we have a staring contest. Once I'm confident he won't use his new-found knowledge against me I dismiss him with a curt command and drop back down into my chair and pick a piece of paper up off the desk just to give me something to hold on to.

A couple of days later, I'm enjoying a peaceful moment alone in the mess hall when McKay comes marching in and right up to my table, at which point he slaps his hands down on the surface hard enough to make my tray jump.

"Problems, McKay?" I ask, one eyebrow making its way up my forehead.

"Hell yes there's a problem, Colonel," he retorts, anger just barely in check. "What gives you the right to order Major Lorne to stop giving me shooting lessons?"

"Gee, I don't know," I respond, sitting back in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest. "Maybe because I'm the military commander?"

That draws him up short and has him stammering for a response.

"Have I actually managed to find a way to shut you up?" I snark, getting to my feet. "I'll be taking over your lessons from now on, Doctor. If you have a problem with that…" Leaving the sentence unfinished I pick up my tray and purposely bump his shoulder on my way out of the mess hall.

For the next two days I work on putting what my 2IC and my lead scientist might have been doing behind closed doors out of my mind but I'm not always successful. In fact my overly active imagination picks the worst times, during a briefing or negotiations with potential new trading partners, to rear its ugly little head. Then, just as I figure out how to keep the images of the two of them all sweaty and tangled in sheets at bay, my radio chirps.

"Sheppard," I say, pressing the tiny button that activates my earpiece.

"Colonel, I was wondering if you'd come to my quarters so we can discuss the incident with Dr. McKay." Lorne's voice is deceptively neutral.

"I don't think so, Major," I respond, following his lead and keeping my voice free of any inflection.

"Dr. McKay will be here. I figured you wouldn't want us to be alone. Conduct unbecoming and all that." This time his voice isn't quite so neutral.

I grind my teeth as new images of Lorne and McKay pop into my mind. "Watch yourself there, Major," I warn. "You're awful close to stepping over the line."

"So you'll join us?"

"Yes," I snarl my answer.

"1800," Lorne tells me before the radio goes silent.

At 1800 on the nose, I ring the bell for Lorne's quarters. After several seconds, during which I can hear a lot of shuffling from the other side of the door, it opens to reveal Lorne wearing an apron over a pair of sweat pants and not much else.

Upon a cursory once over I notice that Lorne's hair is mussed, telling me that he was either napping – which doesn't seem possible since he was expecting me – or he and McKay were making out while waiting for me to show.

My eyes narrow on a forming bruise on his right clavicle, which tells my second guess is the right one.

"Right on time," Lorne greets me with a smile.

"Conduct unbecoming?" I question, one brow making its way up my forehead.

"Seriously, Colonel?!" McKay pants from the couch, his face showing his surprise at being caught making out with a male member of the USAF.

He looks like he just got out of bed. And two things instantly go through my head. One, the look on McKay's face is… And two, my pants have gotten three sizes smaller in the seconds since Lorne opened the door.

"You wanna come in or do you wanna out all three of us to whoever happens by?" Lorne asks with a smirk.

Blinking away the fog that seems to have invaded my brain at the knowledge that Lorne and McKay were making out just seconds ago, I step inside just far enough for the door to slide shut, effectively blocking out the rest of the world.

"Dinner's ready!" Rodney exclaims, jumping up at the sound of a timer.

"I thought I told you to stay away from him, Major," I hiss at Lorne once we're alone in the main room.

Lorne has the nerve to shrug. "Decided to not follow that particular order…Sir," he responds, glancing over his shoulder at where Rodney disappeared into what must be the kitchen area.

"Then explain why I'm here," I demand, knowing that despite what his answer is I won't be able to walk away now that I know that Rodney likes men.

Lorne shrugs again. "He has a thing for you," he says it like he doesn't understand why. "And I have a thing about making him happy."

"And if I don't wanna share?"

"Then he'll have to choose, won't he?"

"Dinner!" the man in question chooses that moment to return to the main room carrying a steaming serving dish that he sets on the table that's tucked into the corner opposite the bed area.

"I get his ass first," I growl just loud enough for Lorne to hear.

"Only fair. Since you saw him first," Lorne replies, matching the volume of his voice to mine.

Dinner turns out to be my favorite, lasagna with garlic bread. For the most part it's just like eating in the mess. Rodney talks a mile a minute not even stopping to eat. I find myself unable to concentrate on the words he's saying now that I have the freedom to watch his mouth while he talks.

At some point a smudge of tomato sauce appears on his right cheek. His tongue attempts to remove it every so often but is largely unsuccessful. After watching this for several minutes, I can't take it anymore and wrap one hand around the back of his head to pull him close enough so I can lick it off before sliding my tongue between lips that are still moving.

Lorne chuckles at this and I find myself laughing out loud with real amusement for the first time in way too long, my forehead pressed to Rodney's.

Rodney blinks at me, his mouth still moving but no sound coming out. Okay, so he didn't see that coming.

"Oh, look. You found a way to stop the flood of words!" Lorne snickers.

"Yeah. Think it'll work in a meeting with Elizabeth?" I joke back.

"What about DADT?" Rodney questions.

Lorne sighs. "Damn. His brain started working again."

Rodney manages to remain silent, but the look on his face leads me to believe that he'd like to throw the Major onto the table and have some dessert ... or be thrown onto the table himself

"Shall we try that again?" I murmur. "Without you trying to talk, maybe?"

He turns to face me, and I can see that his pupils are blown so wide that only the thinnest of blue outlines is visible. He licks his lips, his gaze falling to mine and with a nod he begins to lean toward me. I meet him halfway, and our second kiss is wet, hot, sloppy and oh so dirty – with lots of tongue.

Someone moans, and I remember that we're not alone. Reluctantly I pull back and seek out Lorne with lust glazed-eyes but he's not where he should be.

"Over here, Sheppard," he calls and I turn to find him standing on the other side of the bed with his hand in his pants.

"What're you doing way over there?" Rodney questions, getting up and stumbling in Lorne's direction while trying to remove his clothes.

Lorne and I share a smile over Rodney's head, and I suddenly find myself standing next to my 2IC and lead scientist without consciously making the decision to do so.

Rodney's hands are shaking so hard he's having trouble unbuttoning his shirt. Lorne and I attempt to help but just end up making things worse. Our laughter seems to break through the tension that has filled the room since I entered.

Eventually we get McKay naked, and Lorne and Rodney begin to work on my clothes. Once we're all naked, Lorne turns Rodney to face him, and taking his face gently between his hands begins to kiss him.

I've never seen anything so hot in my life and without even thinking, I press up against Rodney's back. When Rodney pushes back, I curl my hands around his hips to hold him in place while I rub my erection against the cleft of his ass. I feel more than hear his moan of pleasure. Dipping my head, I give in to temptation and taste the patch of skin where his shoulder meets his neck. Lorne begins to nibble a path down the other side of Rodney's neck when he starts to tremble.

"Bed," I suggest when it becomes obvious that Lorne and I are the only things keeping McKay upright.

"Bed," Lorne agrees with a deep-chested chuckle.

Rodney is so far gone that we're able to manhandle him onto the bed and into the position I want him in, on his hands and knees with his perfect ass in the air, with no protest from the scientist. Lorne squeezes a generous amount of lube into the crack of Rodney's ass. I scoop some up on two fingers and rub it against Rodney's hole, pulling a groan of pure pleasure from deep within him. Sliding both fingers inside, I begin to slowly stretch him, fighting the urge to rush through this part so I can feel his tight heat wrapped around my dick.

Lorne is far from still. While I'm busy preparing Rodney's ass, Lorne is busy marking his shoulders with tiny bruises and bite marks.

"Are you ready for this, Rodney?" I ask, adding my own marks to his shoulders.

He nods and takes a shaky breath. I remove my fingers, earning myself a whimper from the body beneath me, and slower than I really want I push my way in. It's everything I ever thought it would be. Despite the fact that I took my time stretching him Rodney is still tight. And oh so hot. I grit my teeth to keep from slamming home and riding him until I see stars. This has to be as good for him as I know it will be for me.

Lorne shifts until he's kneeling in front of Rodney with one hand on Rodney's head and the other on his own cock. When Rodney doesn't immediately take the hint, I see Lorne's arm move telling me he's rubbing the tip against his lips. From the position I'm in I can't see exactly what's happening, but judging from the way Lorne's eyes roll back in his head and the way Rodney thrusts his head forward, I can guess that McKay swallowed him whole.

"Good?" I ask Lorne.

"Oh, hell yeah!" he pants, thrusting slowly in and out of Rodney's mouth.

With a chuckle and a slap to McKay's right butt cheek, I begin a slow but deep thrusting of my own. Bracing one hand on Rodney's right hip and the other in the middle of his back I steadily increase my pace. Lorne has one hand on Rodney's head and the other is inching its way toward the one I have on Rodney's back. Linking fingers with me, Lorne tugs until I glance up to find him staring at my lips while his tongue darts out to moisten his. The sight of that pink tip has me so mesmerized that I find myself leaning forward over Rodney's back so I can get a taste of Lorne. When our lips meet the first thought that goes through my head is that Lorne's lips are the softest I've ever kissed. But then he's sliding his tongue into my mouth and all thought flees as I give myself over to the pleasure of fucking my best friend while kissing my 2IC.

I can't quite stop the whine that escapes when Lorne pulls back from our kiss. He shushes me while coaxing Rodney to let go of his dick. The pace of my thrusting slows almost to a stop while I try to get my brain to figure out why Lorne is doing what he's doing. He flops over onto his back and slides under Rodney, and I smirk at how smart the man is. Now I can concentrate on fucking Rodney and not have to worry about anything else.

When Lorne takes Rodney into his mouth, Rodney unconsciously clenches around me, and it's all I can do to keep from blowing my load right then. But I'm determined that Rodney will come first so I change the angle until I rub against his prostate.

"Oh, oh, oh," Rodney pants, rocking back to meet my thrusts before lowering his head to take Lorne back into his mouth.

I double my efforts to get him off and for the next several minutes the only sounds in the room are Lorne and McKay slurping around each other's cocks, our labored breathing and the wet sound of mine and McKay's flesh meeting.

Suddenly I feel my orgasm sneaking up on me and I scream, "oh, fuck!" in startled lust as I fire my load deep into Rodney's guts.

Seconds later, Rodney's milking the last drops of my climax from me as he gets shoved over the edge. Then Lorne is arching up under McKay and howling as he too empties himself into Rodney.

I have just enough presence of mind left to pull McKay with me when I collapse onto my side, our chests still heaving as we struggle to regain our breath.

Lorne crawls over Rodney and I to spoon up behind me and whispers in my ear, "Booyah achieved, Sir."

I give a snort of laughter, twisting just enough to smirk at Lorne, before tucking McKay more firmly against me, kissing his shoulder, and with a final thought of, "Booyah, indeed." I allow sleep to claim me.