About This Parody: Usually, I don't write parodies. I don't ever think I can muster up enough humor to succeed in the satire arena. However, I've had "Sweeney Todd" on the brain ever since seeing the movie... all three times, that is. I absolutely adore "Sweeney Todd" in every way possible, especially having been involved in musical theatre for a lot of my life. So, this parody comes from the heart. I don't believe there is a single thing about this movie that would cause me to try to be hurtful. I'm merely trying to give fans like me an brief escape from the angst of the film (however amazing that angst is). hugs Sweeney Todd
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own anything "Sweeney." Those things belong to Sondheim, Dreamworks, yada yada yada.
Please, read, enjoy, and review if you like! And now, on with the mayhem! (Drumroll please...)
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Parody of Fleet Street
Movie Reel Operating Dude – Alright, let's get this over with… (flicks switch on giant movie reel machine)
Random Fangirl in Movie Theater – Turn your cell phones off, bitches!!
Opening titles: ooooo, really super low string ensemble! Hey, the Dreamworks icon looks a little different than usual, kind of like a gigantic tornado is going to come and maul the little boy fishing on the moon. Run, little boy, run!! Oh well, too late, he's been crushed by a giant D…
Random Five-Year-Old in Movie Theater – Mommy, I don't think we're in the right place, this extremely eerie credit montage is freakier than the new version of "Alvin and the Chipmunks!"
Mother of the Random Five-Year-Old – Dammit!! My ex-husband told me that Sweeney Todd was about ponies! I guess he never forgave me for the potato incident…
Oh, look, it's the London bridge… or, at least some bridge in London. The pretty music doesn't exactly match all of the dinginess, though. But it doesn't matter - Anthony's voice is going to make all the monsters go away with its pretty girly-ness!
Anthony – (trying to look wise, but still remains so adorably naïve) I've been everywhere! And I mean everywhere! I've seen gold, amazing pieces of architecture, and had sex with hot native chicks! And all I got was a soggy Australian! Or, at least I think he's Australian cause that's where I pulled him out of the ocean… But never mind that, because this dingy dirt-hole is my favorite place ever! And pfft, who needs sex anyway?
Sweeney – You do. Badly. And you must be completely stupid to think that this piece-of-crap hell-hole is the equivalent of Disney World.
Random Fangirl – SEX! SEXXX!!! SWEENEY TODD, I WANT TO BE IMPREGNATED BY YOU! AND HAVE YOUR LITTLE ANGSTY CHILDREN!!
Anthony – (Trying to hold back tears of innocence) Mr. Todd, you… you ruined my lighthearted moment! I mean, sure your character is the main focus of the movie and sets the tone of the film for viewers of all ages, but… come on, man!
Sweeney – My life has pretty much sucked up to this point; do you think your warbling, girly rants about native-chick-sex will make it any better?
Anthony – (sulking) Maybe…
Sweeney Todd is now walking (angstily) into the streets of crappy London, Anthony following him like a lost puppy.
Sweeney – Can you stop following me like a lost puppy, you ignorant whelp?
Anthony – Tell me a story!
Sweeney – If I tell you a story, will you leave?
Anthony – If the story is disturbing enough, probably.
Sweeney – Alllll-righty, then… Once upon a-
Anthony – Oh, and you have to sing it!
Sweeney – Bugger. (clears throat and begins to sing) Once upon a time, in a perfect world, there lived a barber. This barber was a total baller, and his wife… man she had the most rockin' body. And of course, the barber was like, "Wife, we have seriously got to start making babies because our children would be so hot, they would singe the eyebrows off of every hobo in London." So they did… after he threw away the birth control he found in her satchel, the bitch. Anyway, they had an awesome girl kid. But soon this stuffed-shirt fancy-pants judge started hitting on the barber's wife. He got her drunk and had sex with her, of course. Because everyone knows you can't be a fair judge when the whole world is so freaking unfair. The judge started to realize that he would like to have sex with the barber's wife more often, and then have sex with the barber's daughter when she got a little older. So he snapped his fingers and had the barber shipped off to maximum-security prison on the grounds that the barber had stolen his judge's wig. But honestly, if I were a judge, I would want my wig stolen so that I would have an excuse not to wear it. The end.
Anthony – …
Sweeney – Well, are you leaving?
Anthony – Yeah, sure, but I have a question…
Sweeney – What the hell is it, sailor boy?
Anthony – Aren't you wearing a wig right now?
Sweeney – (absolutely dripping with sexy sarcasm) Thanks. Thanks a whole lot. And I thought that Herbal Essences was working wonders for it. Can you leave?
Anthony – Actually, I have another question, sorry…
Sweeney – Sorry doesn't really help the fact that I'm so messed up, but go ahead.
Anthony – When I pulled you from the freezing water near Australia (a place where nobody in their right mind would live unless they had a kangaroo fetish) what the fudgesickle were you doing there?
Sweeney – (lying through his teeth) I had just escaped Australian natives, and the island itself.
Anthony – Oh… I don't know why you would want to escape the natives, but anyway, how did you do it?
Sweeney – Um… hehe… Oh! I know! I used my back hair to rope a couple of sea turtles together and make a raft!
Anthony – O.o …Well, since your story was disturbing enough, I think I'll leave. Will you shake my hand with your godly flesh?
Sweeney – No. I'm too busy thinking about where the nearest opium den is.
Anthony – Oh. Good luck with that.
Sweeney Todd walks away, swearing about the overall crappyness of London, and the overall stupidity of Anthony.