Oh my goodness gracious, people. Has it really been this long since I updated? Really? I'm sorry, I'm just... wow. I feel atrocious. Life has been ridiculous, it's true, but that's no excuse. I saw a story recently with a title that kinda seemed like it was spoofed off of mine, which I took as a compliment, but I did think the idea of a spoof of a spoof was kinda funny.
I really have to thank all my reviewers, especially the ones that review multiple times. You know who you are, and you really kept me writing this thing through thick and thin.
But what am I blabbing about now? It's 1:15 in the morning and this show's finally getting back on the road! So, without further ado:
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Parody of Fleet Street – Part 7
Outside the *cough* barbershop *cough*, Mrs. Lovett floofs down the moldy stairs to meet Pirelli.
Walking-Dictionary-Type People in the Audience – What the hell kind of a word is "floofs?"
Random Flaming Guy – It's my kind of a word, dollface! (Starts singing "What's New Pussycat" at top volume)
Walking-Dictionary-Types – Oh, go buy some hairgel, why don't you?
Mrs. Lovett – Hey, fruit basket! (notices Toby) and tasty – erm, I mean cute child! These playing cards are just caaaaaaalling your names; uh, see? (holds the cards up to her face and whispers in a ghostly voice, "Fruuuuiit, chiiiiiild… come play Old Maaaaaid wiv us…!")
Toby – Those aren't our names, you batty freak.
Pirelli – Besides-uh, I cannot-uh play-uh Old Maid-uh at-uh the moment-uh. I 'ave some-uh beeeesuhnes-uh to conduct weeth Meeestair Tode-uh.
Mrs. Lovett – (O.o) Ohhhhhh… I see how that is… (under her breath) Dammit, I knew there 'ad to be some reason 'e wasn't goin' for my new Victoria's Secret push-up… That thing was what turned Lindsey Lohan lesbian… (back to Pirelli) Welllll, you gentlemen 'ave fun… (begins to walk away with Toby and then turns around again) Don'tgetAIDS.
Toby – (As Mrs. Lovett leads him away) Hey lady, what's AIDS? Is it like a special first-aid kit that it takes two guys to use?
Mrs. Lovett – How'dja like some nice memory-erasing alcohol?
Random Five-Year-Old in the Theater – Mommy, what is AIDS?
Mother of the Random Five-Year-Old – It's what happens to you when you let someone else besides the doctor give you shots… Remember how uncle Stephen died?
Random Five-Year-Old – Oh… I thought it was because you thought he wasn't upholding the end of our family's bargain with the Chinese Mafia-
Mother of Random Five-Year-Old – (claps a hand over her child's mouth and looks around nervously) Hehehehe… Noooo, sweety… (suddenly dead serious) He-died-of-AIDS-and-I-will-burn-your-stuffed-Kermit-the-frog-if-you-tell-anyone-otherwise.
Random Five-Year-Old – Okay. (long pause) Hey mommy, what's alcohol?
Mother – Magic.
Meanwhile, back in the barbershop-o-fun…
Aspiring Salon Owner in the Audience – "Barbershop-O-Fun!!" That's what I'll call my leased strip-mall salon!!
Anyway, back in the barbershop-o-fun…
Sweeney – Anthony, you bitch, what the hell are you doing back here? Do you have balls yet?
Anthony – (starts to look down his pants)
Sweeney – (exasperated… sexily exasperated) No, no, for God's sake, don't check… It was a hypothetical question.
Anthony – Oh, then I won't be answering, I guess… (to himself) Note to self: learn to recognize dry jokes made at your own expense. (to Sweeney) I did meet this awesome chick, though! Like, worlds better than those native ones I did the nasty with quite a few times… Actually, I don't know if she's better 'cause I haven't nailed her yet, but there's this pervy Judge who's constantly trying to use her as a sex-slave, so that complicates things a bit-
Sweeney – Wait.
Anthony – What?
Sweeney – What did you say her name was?
Anthony – Who?
Sweeney – The girl.
Anthony – I didn't say her name yet.
Sweeney – Idiot, can't you recognize cliché, witty movie dialogue when you're a character in a movie?
Anthony – No. I can recognize a hot babe when I see one though, and that Johanna is one hot-
Sweeney – Stop.
Anthony – (suddenly wearing full bling and a baggy gangsta tracksuit) Hammer time?
Sweeney – No, you dolt. Stop talking for a minute. What did you say her name was?
Anthony – And this time I did say her name: Johanna!
Sweeney – (makes gurgling noises of unspeakable rage)
Acousticophobes in the Audience – So that's why this movie is rated R.
(Random Talking Webster's Dictionary – Acousticophobia: \ə-ˈküs-tik-ˈā-ˈfō-bē-ə\ 1. an acute, irrational fear of noises. 2. If you are an acousticophobe get the hell over it or live in a plastic bubble.)
Sweeney – You want to sex my daughter, you punk?!
Tim Burton – No, Johnny, not yet! Hold it in, for Chrissakes!
Sweeney – (suddenly self-conscious) But I really have to go!
Tim – No, not that. That's what your trailer's for – later. But right now, your character needs to zip his lips, otherwise I see another writers' strike happening in the near future…
Sweeney – Got it. (back to Anthony) Uh… undo what I just said. I'm still gurgling with insane (sexy) rage.
Anthony – Okay… (begins to overcompensate for the mistake by acting ridiculously fake) Mr. Todd, is something wrong? You look like you're gurgling with insane (sexy) rage.
Sweeney – (improvising with Anthony) Ummm… No… Actually, that's my stomach. I'm… so hungry because… because I haven't eaten since it started living in this shit-hole. So run – now – and get me a… panini. From Panera- I mean… Ye Olde Panera.
Anthony – (hears Pirelli coming up the steps) Ohhhhh, okay! (runs out the door, but pops his greasy head back in at the last second) Did you want mayo on your panini, Mr. Todd?
Sweeney – No. But I do like extra cheese. And no pickle.
Anthony – Haha, yeah, don't pickles suck?
Sweeney – Get out.
Random Fangirls in the Theater – No… No… Pickles don't suck! At least, not Sweeney's pickle! Actually, it's the inverse of that: his pickle doesn't suck, but we want to suck his-
Random Flaming Guy in the Theater – PICKLE!!! (starts singing "Hello Dolly" at maximum volume)
Anthony runs out the door in a cloud of dust and man perfume… Not cologne - man perfume.
Pirelli – (popping his head in the door as Anthony leaves) So, Meester Tode-uh.
Sweeney – Did you just call me Mr. Toad? As in, "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride," the "Raging-Bull" of popular children's attractions?
Pirelli – (suddenly realizing that he wasn't supposed to reveal that he knows Sweeney until a few lines later) Uh, yes-uh. In-uh Italy, it is-uh – how you say – "term of endearment…-uh."
Sweeney – (with a keen look of seductive pensiveness) Really…
Meanwhile, Mrs. Lovett caters to Toby's every alcoholic craving. On the table inside the emporium lobby we see every nine-year-old British boy's favorite liquor selections: Skyy, Mike's Hard Lemonade, and Jack Daniels.
Toby – Didja know this isn't my real hair?
Mrs. Lovett – (taking a swig of Jack and teetering in her seat) Really? That's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo intreeeeeguing.
Toby – Yeah. (takes off wig) The boss back at the warehouse where I worked and lived used to make us dress up like Jessica Simpson and poledance for him, but we haven't poledanced since Jessica Simpson got fat and the government gave us rape whistles and pamphlets called "WWMJD: What Would Michael Jackson Do? Easy Steps to Spotting a Child Predator." But somehow, the wig became part of my persona.
Mrs. Lovett – Yooooooooouuuu… Are a realllllly smart… drunk.
Toby – Hey, it takes one to know one.
Alcoholics Anonymous Member in the Audience – Actually kid, in this case, it really doesn't.
Toby – Anyway, I think that you could be my guide and mentor out of my dark age of destitution and subservience. What d'ya say, marm?
Mrs. Lovett – Do it, kid… Raaaaaaage against the macheeeeeeeene… Stick it to the maaaaaannnnnnn!
Toby – (tears in his eyes) Such eloquence!
Meanwhile again, this time back to the barbershop-o-fun…
Aspiring Salon Owner – That name just grows on me more and more!
Sweeney – Well, if you're sure you don't know me and you're just a random fruitloop from off the street, you can come in and enjoy a cup of tea that Mrs. Lovett was just brewing up here. It'll be good that some lout enjoys it, because it's against my anti-religion to drink anything that induces happiness, tranquility, or calm oneness with Mother Earth.
Pirelli – (suddenly in a British accent) I do believe I'm rather partial to your corner.
Sweeney – Excuse me?
Pirelli – I used to sit in that corner of the room over there in time-out after you consistently beat me when I was your lowly apprentice!
Sweeney – Oh shit. Save me, Oprah!
(Random National Geographic Scholar – Observe, if you will, the growing tension in the interactions among the homo sapien individuals in this environment: Here we have Sweeney Todd, who is growing more sexily crestfallen moment by moment, recalling some dark time in his past and some great grievance he can't undo. Now, here we have his apprentice, who's real name we'll learn in a moment, who thinks he's going to make it out of this with nary a scratch. How very freaking wrong he is. Now, here we have some fine specimens of fangirls, drooling at the one Sweeney Todd and exclaiming such utterances as…)
Random Fangirls – CHOP THAT BASTARD'S HEAD OFF, YOU HUNK OF FICTIONAL SEX!!!!
Random Berserker Knight – CHOP THAT BASTARD'S HEAD OFF, YOU HUNK OF FICTIONAL BADASSERY!!!!
Mother of the Random Five-Year-Old – CHOP THAT BASTARD'S HEAD OFF, YOU HUNK OF FICTIONAL REPRESSED EMOTIONS!!!! [I used to be a psychiatrist.]
Tea Kettle – CHOP THAT BASTARD'S HEAD OFF, BECAUSE I - THE SYMBOL OF THE DEEP, UNDERLYING TENSION BETWEEN THE PROTAGONIST AND THE ANTAGONIST – AM SICK OF WHISTLING MY ASS OFF!!!!
Sweeney – Alright, already!! (kills Pirelli)
Aspiring Salon Owner - Okaaaay, maybe "Barbershop-o-Fun" is not the best name for my new venue...
Hemophobes in the Audience (i.e. People with a Phobia of Blood) – Die.
Anemophobes in the Audience (i.e. People with a Phobia of Air) – Die. (But they've been dead for a long time, considering they're too afraid to breathe.)
Random Fangirls – HAROOOOOOO!!!!!!
Random Berserker Knight – HAROOOOOOO!!!!
Richard Nixon – HAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!![I win.]
Aaaaaaand yeah. That's it for now. I promise, more will come... Thanks so much again, reviewers! =)