A/N: Hey ya'll! Well...seems like while I'm incapable of writing a full-length Underworld story-unless I cross it over with Van Helsing or something- I'm perfectly capable of writing these little one-shots! This one came to me a while back...I started writing it after my Math midterm and finished during times in class and after midterms when I was bored. So I hope you all enjoy this by-product of my boredom!

Disclaimer: I don't own Underworld, Len Wiseman does. And I don't own "Master of the House", that belongs to whoever wrote Les Miserables.


Selene leaned against the wall in the back on the formal salon, her arms folded across her chest and her lips turned down in a frown. All around her, her fellow vampires-all dressed in their high-fashioned apparel- chatted excitedly, wondering why Kraven had called them all to the salon.

Amongst the crowd of the undead nobility, Selene spotted a few of her Death Dealer comrades. To her relief, they all looked as though they'd rather be anywhere but there.

Good, she thought to herself. I'm not the only one who thinks this is pointless. Whatever Kraven wants, it had better be quick, and it had better be worthwhile.

Just then, Ordoghaz's surrogate master-otherwise known as Kraven- entered the room, followed by his devotees. Kraven situated himself before all the vampires, in front of the fireplace. His devotees-many of whom were recent initiates and little more than servants- sat at his feet, looking up at him eagerly. Erika-the little blonde with a massive crush on him- was fidgeting like an excited child.

Gradually, the noise in the salon died down, and Kraven cleared his throat importantly. "My lords and ladies," he addressed them. "As I know you're well-aware, the time of the Awakening is approaching. In less than two months' time, Amelia will return to her crypt and Markus will take the throne for the next century."

Murmurs broke out throughout the room, many of them coming from Markus's fledglings, who were looking forward to the Awakening of their sire. Selene sighed-Markus was likeable enough, but deep in her heart, she wished it was Viktor being Awakened.

Kraven waited for the chatter to die down before speaking again. "But it has come to my attention that some of you-" He cast a pointed look in Selene's direction. "-Forget who it is that is in charge during Markus's-and Viktor's-absences.

He gave Selene another pointed look, and she was sorely tempted to make a certain rude hand gesture at him. But she resisted and settled for rolling her eyes instead.

"However," Kraven continued, ignoring Selene's eye-rolling. "While I may have been left in charge of this coven, I don't want anyone to think of me as some sort of-I don't know-over lording dictator! No…I'd rather you think of me as more of a friendly innkeeper!"

Selene placed a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. Kraven? A friendly innkeeper? She thought scornfully. He's lying through his teeth. He wants absolute power. Surely I'm not the only one who can see it…

Before the crowd, Kraven strolled across the room, grabbed a random vampire-by luck of the draw, he grabbed Kahn-and pulled him to his feet. And then, to everyone's surprise, Kraven began to sing:

Welcome, monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of them crooks
Rooking the guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be…

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do me friends a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price…

Kraven released Kahn-who looked beyond confused-and pranced across the room, this time selecting a red-haired woman in a black blouse and pants to serenade:

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve them of a sou or two
I'm watering the wine, making up the weight
Picking up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves the landlord
Everybody's buxom friend
I'll do whatever pleases
Jesus, then I'll skin them to the bone!

Everyone chuckled and laughed at him, then, encouraged by his antics, they joined in:

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

Kraven released his hold on the red-head and pranced across the room to find his next victim:

But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone?
Enter, monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked until I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare, food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges, plus some little extras on the side…

By this point, Kraven had made his way around the room and had returned to the front. Everyone was laughing-except for Selene, who cast casting cold, unamused looks at him…

Charge them for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the windows shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all in bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Again, the entire room burst into song; some of them even began to sway back and forth in time with the tune:

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody loves the landlord
Gives him everything they've got!

Once again, the entire room quieted-most of the way, anyways-as Kraven stepped forward:

Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot!

By this point, Selene had lost all patience. Not only could she not leave to begin hunting because of this pointless meeting, but they were all swallowing his lies-even her fellow Death Dealers!-as if it were blood of a particularly fine vintage. She uncrossed her arms, and-with each step slow and deliberate- she began to move towards the front, singing her own tune:

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house
Isn't worth me spit
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there!

Several of Kraven's devotees burst into giggling fits at Selene's words, while Kraven flushed deep scarlet in embarrassment. But Selene still had more to say:

What a cruel trick of nature
Landing me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!

Despite Selene's cruel-and quite embarrassing-words towards Ordoghaz's surrogate master, the entire salon burst into song yet again:

Master of the house!

Selene rolled her eyes:

Master and a half!

The group ignored her and kept singing:

Comforter, philosopher-

She gave a small snort and glared disdainfully at them:

Don't make me laugh!

They simply continued to grin and sing their song:

Servant to the poor
Butler to the great

Selene planted her hands on her hips and scowled at Kraven:

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Despite all of Selene's harsh words, they still grinned and kept singing, this time gesturing first at Kraven, then at Selene:

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Kraven-having gained some of his bravado back-seized a nearby goblet that was half-filled with blood and raised it high in the air:

Everybody raise a glass!

With loud hoots and hollers, everyone else raised either glasses or fists in the air. Selene sighed loudly in disgust:

Raise it up the master's ass!

Some laughed even louder at her words, then everyone, especially Kraven, yelled out the last few lines:

Everybody raise a glass
To the master of the house!

Everyone in the salon burst into loud and raucous laughter. Selene gave a low, agitated growl, then turned on her heel, heading for the front door.

"To hell with this…" she murmured. "I'm leaving…"

She headed outside, loving the feel of the cool night air on her face, which was flushed with anger. She climbed into her Jaguar, ignited the engine, and sped off towards Budapest.

There was always something worthwhile happening in Budapest…


A/N: Yes, there's always somethinh happening in Budapest, as Selene will soon learn...

Oh, God, I love this song to bits...I seriously think it's fitting to Kraven and Selene and their realationship. And I swear, everything Selene said was really in the song! As you can see, Madame Thenardie reeeaaaallly loved her husband...not.

Yes, this was seriously a random idea, but I hoped you liked it! If you did, please shoot me a review! Hell...shoot me a review even if you hated it! I can use the flames to make s'mores...