As the author, I would like to say here that this fic may or may not be continued in the form of further (connected) one shots.
Disclaimer: I don't own Good Omens or Harry Potter.
"…angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort."
A.J. Crowley sat back in his posh chair with a certain degree of smugness. He was a demon of Hell, and he was living the good life.
After the whole "losing the Antichrist" fiasco, Crowley had desired a way to get back into his bad guy swing. He had decided to get a job. Not just any job, though. A job that gave maximum misery to the masses was his goal. He had toyed with taking a job like being a tax man or a paper shuffler at a government agency, and had even considered running for president of the United States, but in the end he picked the ultimate job for those seeking to spread misery.
He became a teacher.
And not just any teacher, either. He had decided to branch out of his normal areas—technology and mass confusion—and take on a much neglected (by demons and angels alike) chunk of population: the wizarding world.
The hard part had been finding the place—all of his human contacts were "Muggles", so to speak, so he had really had to search. In the end it was the dark magic floating around the area fondly referred to as Knockturn Ally that led him to the magical world. And once he was there, it wasn't hard to find a job of the caliber he wanted. The hot topic of conversation on the streets was that the most prestigious magical boarding school in Europe was looking for a teacher, so Crowley had made his way to the school and applied. He honestly had no idea what the elderly Headmaster meant by "defense against the dark arts", but he liked the irony in the idea and eagerly conned the old man into giving him the job.
So, back to the present: Crowley had enjoyed a full semester teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He discovered that while bringing misery and suffering to hundreds of wizarding families by harassing his students was exhilarating, his real joy came from his discovery of Severus Snape.
The man was a fellow teacher at the school, and was the easiest to rile human Crowley had ever met. All it took was a snide comment and a smirk, and Snape was guaranteed to rain down more pain and suffering on his classes than Crowley could ever dream of doing. Snape should have been born a demon.
And so it came to be that Crowley was sitting at the head table in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, situated right next to Snape and having a good time trying to make him angry enough to leave the hall in a dramatic fashion. (Really, after a semester's practice, he was getting it down to an art. You would think Snape would have noticed the trend by now, but no.) Crowley was focusing on changing Snape's drink from pumpkin juice to lemon juice (even though Crowley was constantly harassing him, Snape always blamed the students for pranks) when the grand front doors of the hall smashed open and a figure strode into the hall in an obvious rush.
The figure in question was a middle-aged looking man that had a plump build, blond hair, blue eyes, and was adorned in an overcoat and lovely blue scarf. He wasted no time in announcing his business: "Crowley! Crowley, I've got it, I found the anti—"
At this point the man realized that he had burst into a room full of people and that they were all staring at him. With this realization, his face slowly turned a bright, radiant red, causing all the other inhabitants of the hall to realize that the mystery man practically radiated homosexuality. An extremely awkward silence descended upon the room as the man in the scarf tried to catch his breath and the students and faculty tried to get over the shock of a crazy man bursting into the school in the middle of a meal.
Fortunately, Crowley was the first to recover. Unfortunately, for all the innocent bystanders at least, he recovered with a cunning glint in his eye.
"It's all right, Aziraphale. The headmaster did say that if I had a spouse they could visit anytime. Isn't that right, Headmaster?"
"Ah," said Albus Dumbledore weakly, "right, I did say that."
Aziraphale self-consciously made his way across the Great Hall to Crowley. "Well, dear, I've got something rather important to tell you." He timidly inched around the head table to stand behind Crowley, blushing an even brighter red. "Do you think we could go somewhere more…private?"
To say that the general populace of Hogwarts was stunned would be an understatement. The wizarding world in general was tolerant towards homosexuality, but none of the people present, teachers included, would have ever pegged Crowley as gay. (And Dumbledore fancied that he had a pretty darn good "gaydar".)
"Of course, sweetheart. We can go to my quarters—excuse me, Severus—and talk there." Crowley gave a sweet grin that came out as more of a leer, and edged around the back of Snape's chair to take Aziraphale's arm and guide him out of the hall. They made a hasty retreat which was immediately followed by Dumbledore calling a "let's play favorites" staff meeting.
Or rather, Dumbledore grabbed McGonagall by the arm and Snape by the back of his robes and dragged them out of the Great Hall and towards his office.
"Albus!" snapped McGongall, wrenching her arm out of Dumbledore's grip. "What on earth—"
Snape seemed to be too flabbergasted for words, and was making frantic noises in his throat while trying to squirm free of Dumbledore's grip, which was causing him to stagger backwards behind the older man.
"Look, I think this is all highly suspicious. I mean, I never would have pegged Crowley for gay—"
"Albus," snarled McGonagall, "I certainly hope that you don't spend all your free time trying to determine the sexuality of your coworkers, which is none of your business incidentally, because that would make me very disgruntled—"
"Arghhh!" inserted Snape.
"I just didn't pick him up on my gaydar, and you know I've always thought I had a pretty darn good one if I didn't say so myself."
The blank looks of incomprehension that McGonagall and, against all logic, Snape, gave Dumbledore at that statement prompted the old man to hastily backpedal.
"I mean, ah, of course, well…Just let me show you."
By this time the trio had reached the headmaster's office and the elderly man nodded to Georgie, the gargoyle that guarded the entrance, and led (dragged, in Snape's case) his two companions into his office.
"Look," he started, releasing Snape and pointing at an innocent-looking little silvery sphere that was resting on his desk. "this is my gaydar. It's an object of focus. If I focus it on any homosexual person in a hundred mile radius, it projects a rainbow and ejects little sparklies."
Snape and McGonagall stared.
"It's very useful."
Snape and McGonagall stared harder.
"Look, I'm just saying that it didn't do any of that when I focused it on Crowley! He's not gay! So this mysterious person showing up all of a sudden is very suspicious. For all we know, Crowley could be sneaking Death Eaters into the school."
"Don't be ridiculous, Albus." said McGonagall. "Severus would have recognized him if he were a Death Eater, wouldn't you, Severus?"
Snape suddenly looked distinctly uncomfortable, even more so than he had been for the ten minute walk/stagger/dragging to Dumbledore's office. "Actually…"
"Severus!" McGonagall snapped in her "someone is about to lose more house points than can be regained in ten generations" voice.
"I'm sorry! No Death Eater knows the names of all the others! If that were the case then one captured Death Eater could ruin the entire organization. I only know the inner circle. Anyone outside of that is just a random masked face to me."
For a moment the two older occupants of the room looked defeated and Snape looked rather miserable.
Eventually, McGonagall spoke again. "Well, what do we do?"
Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. "We confront him, I suppose. Nothing better to do in a school filled with children…We'll catch them while they're in his quarters. That shouldn't cause too much of a fuss."
The three of them nodded resolutely and started trekking towards the traditional living space of the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE'S EXIT FROM THE GREAT HALL
As soon as they cleared the Great Hall, Crowley dropped the leer and all but dragged his angelic companion through the halls to his rooms. Once they were safely inside, they dropped all pretense of affection towards each other and got down to business.
"Crowley, I found the antichrist. He's in Tadfield. If we go right now—"
"I can't go now! As soon as I get anywhere near an electronic device Hell'll be after me, I know it. I just need to keep the demons off of my tail for a little longer."
Aziraphale huffed irritably. "Do you think it's any easier for me? I keep getting messages from Heaven telling me to report back upstairs to get refitted for armor. They're very excited about this final battle business. We need to get to Tadfield and get rid of the antichrist."
"It can wait!" snapped Crowley, and the argument prepared itself to be cycled through again.
As the demon and angel bickered in Crowley's quarters, Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall were making their way towards them.
By the time they had reached the door, the argument inside had reached its height. The trio paused outside the door to listen. All they could make out was two angry voices. Just as they were contemplating whether to burst in or not, a gasp and loud bang was heard, followed by a good deal of startled noises and a loud creaking. Their minds made up for them, Dumbledore and Snape shouldered through the door and stumbled inside, only to see Crowley crushing Aziraphale on the bed with his body, the two of them apparently grinding into each other. The bottom man's face seemed to have achieve a whole new level of red, and Crowley had a slightly wild look in his eye that the three other staff members immediately decided they wanted no part in. They made a frantic rush out of the room and into the hallway, eager to get out of the awkward situation.
"Not gay, is he, Albus? Because the great Albus Dumbledore can never be wrong—"
Dumbledore might have liked to know, as McGonagall verbally abused him and Snape contemplated physically abusing him to get the previously witnessed image out of his slightly homophobic mind, that Crowley and Aziraphale hadn't really been doing anything of a sexual nature.
In fact, Crowley, in the heat of the argument, had tripped over a spare textbook in his floor and taken out a lamp before crashing right into Aziraphale and propelling both of them onto the bed. A frantic struggle to get untangled had resulted and had only been accelerated by the sudden appearance of the headmaster and his cohorts.
He didn't know that, however, and as such was unhappily considering the possibility that his gaydar had never worked at all. It was strange, though, because he had tested it on himself, and boy had the sparklies been pretty…