A/N: It has been taking a whole while since I've been busy with some things, getting distracted with things, but...here it is, very short, very lame, totally not a good ending for this parody fic. But wells...every fic needs an ending whether it's one that ends with a smash or one that disappoints everyone.

I'd like to tell this to everyone: Do not expect anything from me.

There are times where I produce good things, and some times not so noble things. Just don't expect anything good or bad from me. Okay, sure, look at one of my works! I WOW'ed you there for a moment. Well. It's just a moment. A fluke.

Thanks for listening. n.n And now I give you the installment of the last chapter for Uke or Seme.

Disclaimer: Dun own, beta'd by JustPassingBy.


'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.


Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.




A brunette had suddenly opened the doors to the host club. To her surprise…no one was there?

She blinked.

That was nonsense.

That was weird.

No one…was here?

A paper ball rolled by and she stared at the spider webs that randomly appeared in the corners of the pink room.


This meant…

Haruhi gasped as her face was filled with the lightest splash of pink.

This meant…

It meant…!!

A fields of flowers appeared behind her, and the world turned all shiny and pretty with little flying birdies.


She basked in the bliss for a second, but later down it died since the author realized that she was heading off to a parody with this kind of approach.

So Fujioka Haruhi, the only one left in the host club (she has yet to know that she is), walked out from the third music room and strolled down to the courtyard, at last happy that she was off for a day.

It was a beautiful, peaceful, and quiet day…something that she had never once had since she joined the annoying host club.

She sat down on a particular rustling tree, and inhaled the fresh breeze (by the way, do you think she realized that there were piles of shit lying here and there laid so carefully onto the ground so that a certain Haninozuka would fall into it?)

As she placed her book bag to the side of her, she noticed a dark green notebook with the brightly and boldly inscribed letters of: The Truth of the Host Club.

Which was quite odd since the color combination of forest green and orange was so atrocious (but that doesn't matter now, does it?)

Maybe someone from the fangirl committee had dropped their notebook here and forgot to pick it up. It sounded a lot like something that would be in the newspaper...

Maybe it was from the Newspaper Committee?

The least the commoner could do was flip it open and see who it belonged to. However what caught her eye was the ugly chicken scratch writing that appeared in it.


Enough of the neatly printed text…

The chicken scratch was so ugly and almost unbearable to read. But Haruhi read it anyways, eyes scanning over the lined paper.

A shocking revelation was discovered today as this book was passed around the host club members. Each of them had spilled what their hearts had truly held and it has led to such a shocking discovery.


It is in fact, so true, that the Host Club is 100 percent gay.

They lust after each other! One is even bold enough to love an inanimate object!

Now that is weird but hot at the same time!

Haruhi stared.


Going on…

Hitachiin Kaoru, the uke of the twin's forbidden relationship, had stated—he even said it once, twice, and thrice:

I'm like…totally gay, and my partner is love is my brother, Hikaru. You know, he's like…like…this tall and like totally hot. I like playing with him, since he's like…totally so hot. Bondages are like so effective. I like…take advantage of Hikaru, and I don't feel guilty!

Did I mention how hot he is?! He looks like me too!

So that means I'm hot!

And like…do you know what this means?

I'm hot. He's hot. It's like: Hotness all around! –insert mad giggle-

Omigod, like—like if someone flirts with him, I'll unleash my bitch power to max. 100 and blow them to bits. HE'S MINE, BITCHES.

She stared. A sweat drop on her head.

…how…peculiarly odd…?

A clear warning that we are to stay away from ever trying to flirt with the man named Hitachiin Hikaru. And the older twin, partner in crime of this forbidden love, when interviewed he supplied the answer of:

Fuck off.

But when we asked him once again, he graciously supplied us with this critical answer that further supported our theory and term that suddenly arose: Hitachiincest.

I'm awesome! I'm gay with my bro! He's so cute it makes me growl with pleasure. Bondages…are yummy, especially when you use those stretchables candy rope thingies. Kaoru –heart- Hikaru FOREVAH! I LOVE HIM! HE'S MY SOUL! I THINK WE SMUT SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. –wink, wink, nudge, nudge-

Haruhi stared some more.

The forbidden love between a man and a stuffed plushie was discovered just recently. Day and night Haninozuka Mitsukuni tends to his bunny rabbit, Usa-chan, once sighted to be making out with it! In fact with this relationship between an inanimate object, we can see his loyalty to the plush bunny.

Oh how woeful he is. Its unrequited love I say! Unrequited love!

And on the other side of the pancake, a tall and quiet Morinozuka Takashi had talked of his deep hurts, as he knew about his cousin's love for the inanimate object. He was literally on his knees, his eyes blotted out with overflowing tears when we asked him about his feelings of Haninozuka:

I have always watched over him. Such a frail figure needs a strong man such as me to keep together. I watch silently, demons in my mind whisper how I could not hold him in my arms for he loves another. A stuffed bunny.

A stuffed bunny holds the keys to his heart!

My pride broken!

My dignity SHATTERED!

He murdered a colony of ants after that. And that is his story…so noble, so right, but yet so sad. He would never be free! Never be free from his never ending love plight.

Her face remained blank but eyes were growing wider.

Ohtori Kyouya, the vice president of the club, holds strong feelings for Suoh Tamaki, however his love is one that you will never encounter. Toys, bondages, and many other harsh treatments, he wouldn't even hesitate to torture Tamaki until he screams and until his lungs give out. Ever wonder why Suoh Tamaki cowers under his purple energy?

That is why.

Punishment is his best weapon. His answer when we asked him what methods of making Suoh Tamaki cry worked best, he said:

He's a masochist at heart, so I can bust out the whips and fluffy pink hand cuffs.

Her face became pale.

Suoh Tamaki have avoided us all day when we chased him down for an interview. It was so obvious, by the bandages that he had, that he was severely punished by Ohtori Kyouya. It was of no doubt at all! When we asked him what was up with his limping, he blushed and ran away.

We had to sic our best sprinters on him.

Poor guy.

We trapped him near the girl's restroom.

When we have persuaded him, with Ohtori Kyouya's help, he meekly answered, his voice full of stutters. However he had blabbered too quickly for us to be able to understand.

And that is the latest scoop of Ouran!

She stared, snapping the book of chicken scratch close.



How could she have not known? It was so obvious…it was so clear since the very beginning! (Though when did Kaoru ever speak like that?)

But who cares. She should've been paying more attention to those very well and hidden signs…

Haruhi was fooled by their 'We're all Friends!' cover.

No…they weren't friends…in fact they were…g-g-g-gay!

Why was she making a huge deal out of this?!

She paused and looked at the book cover. Quite confused about how she should be feeling at the moment.

…Right, she was just overreacting a minute ago.

'…if they're all gay with each other…I guess I'll give up on Tamaki-sempai and let them be happy…'

And she suddenly felt a sense of responsibility as the makeshift 'mother' of the club.

'…ah…young love…'



-Meanwhile…with Kaoru.

He grumbled as he, with difficulty, staggered up the red carpeted stairs with heavy cardboard boxes held by his throbbings arms. Bandages were wrapped all over his arms and neck, even his head was bandaged with a fair amount. It wasn't fair that he was discharged from a hospital with such poor treatment.

He was a rich bastard!


He should have gotten state of the art hospitalization! Not just some random crap strung over his head and stuff.

Instead of returning to the comforts of his home, he was sent to a mental institute to do some testing on his mental capacity. Because of course, it wasn't his nature to be screaming such beautiful language that could make the banana peel cry.

Another damn inanimate object…

He reached the top step of the stairs. He was there…finally there at the third music room! FINALLY.

And what the hell was with these overly heavy boxes?

He ripped it open and stared in it.



And he carried it…

All two hundred pounds of the useless thing. Wasted effort—WASTED!

He chucked it over the stairs, ignoring the "THWAM" that it made when it hit the bottom.

Kaoru marched to the pink double doors and kicked it open, grunting in pain that the cardboard boxes gave him.

Surprisingly…no one was there. He walked to one of the couches that were pulled out from the back rooms and sat down on it, careful not to hit any of his injuries.



-Meanwhile…with Hikaru.

He had broken his arm on the mad drive through the metal carts. A few ribs were bruised, but nonetheless he was alright. And unlike Kaoru, he was smart enough to ignore the boxes that said: "For the Host Club".

He had a broken arm.

Why the fuck should he carry it?

The Hitachiin journeyed up the flight of elaborate stairs, wincing each time he took a step.

His rib was hurting.

How walking up the steps and how it hurts his ribs don't need to link, but he winced anyways because his side hurt. Anyways, he finally reached up the stairs, the Host Club doors looking pretty battered up.

Hikaru stared at the door with a blank face—

He kicked it open again, the door slammed back with equal amount of force and he let out a large yelp.

Now everyone would be wondering why Hikaru was there, especially after he was taped down by belts and diagnosed as a mentally ill. But he was there nonetheless, swearing underneath his breath as he gave Kaoru a silent greeting.

He plopped down next to the couch, eyes twitching as the pain shot up his side.

"Fuck it hurts."






-Meanwhile…with Kyouya.



Damn his cast.

Damn the scratches that blemished his once perfect skin. It used to be milky, oh so smooth and soft! But now it had ugly cuts and blemishes in them.


Kyouya glared at the overly large and perhaps unnecessary white thing that was occupying a huge portion of his leg. Crutches weren't doing anything but hurting his delicate armpit, and damn God, there's stairs now?

His glasses were replaced with yet another cheap pair and he made his way slowly to the stairs…

Only to realize that there were cardboard boxes obstructing his pathway.

Remembering slightly of what the book had warned of him, he cursed at it and proceeded to shove his large clunky cast into it.



Damn, and the freaking box wouldn't move.

He was suffering mental and technical difficulties here!

Kyouya growled under his breath, he didn't want to undergo any physical stresses especially after he smashed into lots of glass instruments. (Smooth going, genius.)

Kyouya being Ohtori Kyouya whipped out his cell phone, and smartly spoke into it: "Tachibana, come here and dispose of these annoying obstructions from my path."



-Meanwhile…with Tamaki.

Being run over by toddlers was not a good experience. He had tire marks all over him, and what's worse was that he had been lying out on the ground for almost a good portion of the day. He had been taped up by the good School Nurse, however his clothes were stained with dirt and tire tracks.

The blonde tiredly walked up the steps (Kyouya had long struggled up.) and he felt his legs go weak midway.

That is right.

His legs were run over too.

It was so painful…


Anyways the blonde went into the Host Club room, his eyes inspecting each of the member's injuries. Hikaru, who snuck in occasional swears, loudly said:

"…man, we look like shit."

Tamaki, taking offense to the word, glumly said, "…horrible you mean."



-Meanwhile…with Mori.

He loved nature.

Mori really did!

He really, really did!

But just knowing one of his animal friends have launched a whole family against him…hurt. It was like…betrayal. He glumly walked up the stair steps to the host club.

Of course he carried no rabies.

He had gone to the doctor previously and had received multiple of shots, why he had gotten it even if he wasn't affected was...unknown but he had received shots. After that, they used the band-aids that they had, and very, very soon…

Mori was covered with rainbows and flowers and all things pretty. (Dammit, it's not stickers, it's band-aids, people.) He even had a bow-tied stub called a ponytail— 'For medical purposes, Morinozuka-san.'

He opened the host club door, and all those who were inside stared at him oddly.

Why in the world was he covered with bright things?

"…they're band-aids."

They fell silent.

One of them opened his mouth—

"For medical purposes."

And that's all the explanation the twins and president and vice had to hear as they returned back to their work of sitting down in glum silence. Of course no one wanted to breathe a word about what had happened to them.

It was so odd…everyone one of them was hurt…

They only wondered what had happened with their senior friend, Honey, and their beloved commoner, Haruhi.



-Meanwhile…with Honey.

He stunk.

That was no opinion, it was pure fact. Honey was bawling his eyes out as he trudged towards the room with great heaviness bearing on his heart.

Usa-chan was dirtied as well, its face caked with smelly dog poo, and it was hanging, soaked to the cotton plush with feces, from Honey's hand. He was also covered with it, though he had managed to wash some away at the bathroom.

However, Honey was not defeated by that.

He was still in shock by the big fat lie that the book had told him.


Honey kicked open the door to the club, too under the weather to bound in happily and said that he had accidentally fell in the piles of dog excretion.


Everyone could tell what the heck happened to Honey, but they didn't blatantly ask what the hell stunk or who the hell is stinking up our air. They decided to save themselves from Honey's mad rage as he stiffly walked close to his sidekick and sat down.

He turned empty eyes at the silent senior, and of course, didn't have the heart to say it looked pretty on him.

And tense silence followed.



-And when Haruhi came…

The door opened and last came the unharmed, undisturbed, very normal female that dressed up as a male in the Host Club.

In her hands, bold and clear, everyone could see—

The dark green, orange book—

There was silence as the hosts stared at the book like savage beasts. She was staring at them, blinking at the injuries. "Oh…you guys are—"


She blinked. "Uh…guys?"


-The next ten or so lines are filled mainly with the context of a scream and random swears, so: ten minutes later-

Haruhi looked at her watch and tapped her foot, while the insane and loud half of the club caught their breath. "Done now?"

Obviously…no, they weren't.

After gaining back their sanity, one jabbed at the book and screamed: "DROP THAT BOOK!"




"…It's alright, I'm okay. You don't need to hide it from me anymore. In fact, I've very happy you became this way. You have my congratulations—"


Suddenly the club launched themselves at Haruhi, tangling into a messy mess, while trying to grab for the green notebook that had oh so conveniently corrupted their lives.



"It's what--"



Amongst the chaos, confusion, and savage behavior, the book flew out from Haruhi's hands and slid through the large passageway where the creepy door of the Black Magic club appeared—

And they still wandered around screaming, sort of, at a very confused Haruhi to hand over the book which she no longer was holding.



-In the black magic club…



"What's this?"

More Silence.

"I sense evil in this thing."




"Berezeneff, do you know what this means?!"

The cloth called Berezeneff made a cloth sound.





A/N: ...yeah. That's it. Yeup. Whatever. -shrugs and walks off-

Oh yeah, please visit Shine! XD I CHANGED IT'S LAYOUT. OMG. I worked my arse off that thing (not really). But I'd like for moar members plz. OwO;

And since I got rid of one of these long term fics--

I'M FREE! -prances away into the sunset-

And until next time,