Disclaimer: Okay so legally it turns out I can't own Naruto… but I can own Kishimoto, right? –waves around plane tickets to Japan- Then technically I will own Naruto. A flawless plan!

Authors Note: Okay, this is totally cracky and weird and… for my own amusement! Ahaha!

Um, I don't care what your dictionary says… what's there is what my really, really old red one says and I decided to go with it. XD Well actually, it's like three dictionary definitions put together and yeah…

When is this actually set? Oh, I dunno. Use your imagination people!

And for anyone that cares, you can find me at adultfanction under the name Ordained. 3 All my updated stories are there. xD I prefer it to... here.

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The Plan

Location: Generic Forest Clearing

Time: Just past midnight

"Okay, here's the plan."

Naruto paused as if frozen, mouth half open and brow furrowed as he concentrated. His mind worked furiously, forming ideas at a remarkable speed, most of which were quickly rejected on the bases of being 'stupid'.

"… the plan…"

Crouched across from the blonde, Sai gave a diligent nod to show that he was indeed listening.

"Ugh… the plan is…" Suddenly brightening, Naruto grinned and snapped his fingers. "I know!" He leant forward conspiratorially. "When we see Sasuke again, you have to force me against the nearest tree and… kiss me."

Sai thought about this for a moment. "And… what will that accomplish?"

Naruto looked mildly put out by his friends lack of understanding. "We're going to make him jealous."

Lips pursed, Sai flipped the pages of the dictionary that was sitting on his lap to 'J'.

jeal·ous (jěl'əs) aj 1 :demanding complete devotion 2 :suspicious of a rival or of one believed to hold an advantage 3 :Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness 4 :Vigilant in guarding something 5 :Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity

"You want Sasuke to… demand complete devotion?"

"Huh? Let me read that." Naruto snatched the dictionary away and spent the next five minutes staring at it with squinted eyes. "Nah, the second one… and a bit of five, I think."

"… Oh. So, I would be Sasuke rival?"

"Yep."

"Interesting."

Naruto cringed slightly. Sai was giving that creepy smile that always preceded a comment about penis size. When the emotionally stunted man eventually spoke Naruto wished he had said something about his dick because there really couldn't be any room for, well… dissection of the plan. The plan couldn't stand up to that kind of pressure. It was fragile.

"So…" Sai began, taking the dictionary back from Naruto's limp grasp. "… the man who has tried to kill you on more than occasion is supposed to become i jealous /i when he sees us kissing, and then what…?"

"Well, he gets angry and demands I belong to him. I pretend to protest, you say something along the lines of 'Naruto belongs to me now!' and then after a heated argument I fall into Sasuke's arms. After a night of love making we kill Itachi and all the other Akatsuki together. We then return to Konoha, I become the Hokage and everyone lives happily ever after. Great plan, right?"

"…."

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Location: Empty Field

Time: Midday

They stared at each other across the empty space. One with eyes filled with determination, one smiling as if he'd just arrived at a birthday party he hadn't been invited to and the other wishing a certain morning would just give it up already.

Said broke the silence first. "Nice to see you again Sasuke."

Gaze locked with Naruto's, Sasuke ignored him.

"How rude."

Naruto decided it was time to begin. Pointing a fignger at Sasuke dramatically, he shouted familiar words. "I'm won't let you go this time Sasuke! I'm going to beat you!"

Sasuke merely sighed and looked bored. "Give it up." He had things to be doing, people to see and kill; he really didn't need a blonde idiot ruining his schedule.

Leaning awkwardly to the side Naruto attempted to grab his companion's attention using a loud whisper. "Psst, Sai… hey Sai… Sai? Sai!"

"Oh, yes?"

"Begin the plan!"

Sai stared at him as if he had gone mad. The dark haired man looked around the field and then looked back at Naruto in obvious confusion.

"But there are no trees."

"What?!"

"I'm supposed to force you up against the nearest tree, remember?"

"Forget that, just kiss me!" Naruto stamped his foot childishly in frustration.

Firm hands grabbed him by the side of the face; lips came crashing down on his, pressing against him painfully. Naruto pushed Sai away abruptly, nearly sending the man sprawling.

"What the hell was that?" He demanded.

"A kiss?"

"That wasn't a damn kiss."

"So I can't say that was my first then?"

"You've never kissed anyone?"

"… no."

"Oh crap. Why didn't you say something?"

"I thought it would be easy."

Naruto sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Okay, kissing lesson time." Reaching out he grabbed Sai's arm and tugged him closer. "Gentle. Gotta be soft and supple." Leaning in he placed his lips against the other mans, letting them mould together deliciously. Running his tongue against uncertain lips he waited until Sai got the message and then slid inside. He pressed harder, feeling a heat pooling in his belly.

A hand had found his shoulder; another was at the back of his neck, in an instinctive attempt to keep the moment going. Naruto obliged, pulling Sai against him, smothering the other mans moan with his lips.

It was when he had run out of breath that he finally pulled back, gasping in air.

"Lesson learnt?"

Cheeks flushed and the oddest expression on his face, Sai nodded.

"Good. Next part of the pla- Hey, where's Sasuke?" Where the Uchiha had been was an emptying space. "Oh shi-"

"Naruto belongs to me now!"

"… argh!"

"I got that part right, yes? Oh look, Sasuke left."

Naruto sunk to the ground in a sniffling ball of defeat.

"Maybe we should try the first part again?" Sai suggested with an innocent grin.