Title: Love is Pain
Rating: M—mostly for safety, and because if I do continue it it'll most definitely need an M-rating.
A/N: My first Logan-centric story.
Logan stalked through the mansion, heading for the kitchen. He'd just dropped of his bag in his room after yet another trip to try and learn about his past, but yet again it had been a dead-end. Now that he was back at the mansion he intended to drown his sorrows in the bottle of whisky he'd hidden in his room after grabbing something to eat in the kitchen. Then, if that didn't work he was going to head down to the Danger Room and get out his frustrations on one of the programs there. There was nothing like killing something to get your mind off everything.
When he came close to Rogue's room he slowed down, as he almost always did, his ears open for whatever sounds came from it. He hadn't wanted to admit it to himself why he did it when Rogue was new at the mansion. He tried to convince himself that it was to make sure she was doing alright, seeing how she was new and all. But then he kept it on, long after Rogue was well settled on the mansion. He said it was to make sure Popsicle wasn't doing anything to her, and then to make sure she was alright after having taken the cure. There was always some explanation that was decent, but none of them was really true. He did it because he couldn't stop thinking about her, about her luscious lips, her eyes, her body. He'd tried not to think about her like that, she was too young, too innocent, but he couldn't help himself. She made it utterly impossible.
He shook his head. He couldn't think about her like that, he just couldn't. She'd grown since she first came to the mansion together with him—she was twenty now—but she was still too young, too innocent. She had her Popsicle-that creep Bobby Drake—and she seemed happy enough with that. And her happiness was more important to him than his feelings for her.
Just as he walked past her door he heard a sound from inside, and even if he'd just decided to let her be alone, he stopped. When it came to Rogue he had a problem keeping his intentions pure.
At first he thought he had heard wrong, that there was nothing, but then he heard it again, just a small sound, like a sob. He stepped closer to the door and leaned against it, pressing his ear against the wood. He heard it clearly now, there was someone inside, someone who was crying. And seeing how it was Rogue's room it had to be her.
For a moment he hesitated, not sure if he should let her be alone or not. Then, with a deep breath he lifted one hand and knocked on the door. He could hear noises from inside: the rustling of clothes as she got to her feet, a deep intake of breath, a small cough, and then feet walking across the floor.
As the door opened he saw Rogue peek out. Her eyes were red, there were streaks down her face where tears had dried and her hair was messy. But she was still the most beautiful thing Logan had ever seen, and it hurt him just seeing her like this.
"Rogue, what's wrong?" he asked, and Rogue quickly diverted her gaze to the floor. The white streak of her hair slid forwards, hiding her face from view. He wanted to stretch out a hand and brush it away, but he was afraid of it. The fierce Wolverine was afraid to touch a young woman. Earlier he could have blamed the fact that touching her skin could kill him, but ever since she took the cure she was as touchable as any other girl. And maybe that was what frightened him the most. That what he wanted was a physical possibility now. Her skin no longer stood in the way, and that meant that it could happen. It shouldn't happen, but technically, it could.
Logan knitted his hand into a fist, his nails digging into the soft flesh of his palm. He couldn't think of her like this. She deserved someone better than him, someone less complicated. And she had that already Logan remind himself of. Rogue had Bobby, and he certainly was less complicated than himself.
"It's nothing," he heard Rogue whisper, but anyone could have heard that it was just a lie. Something was wrong, and Logan wanted to know what. That way he could kill whoever had hurt his Rogue. Bobby's Rogue, he had to remind himself as he dug his nails harder into his palm. He could feel the nails digging through the flesh, the quick sting as he pierced it and blood trickled out of the half-moon wounds. He relaxed his fingers, and almost instantly the wounds healed, leaving no traces behind except a few drops of crimson blood.
"Rogue, please don't lie to me, I know there's something wrong." Logan dried off a hand on his pants, the blood barely visible against the dark denim, and then he extended the hand towards her. Inches away from her he hesitated, but then he reached forwards, touching her chin with a light touch. Slowly he lifted her face so she looked at him again. Her brown eyes met his and he felt something tighten in the pit of his stomach. He wanted her so badly, he needed her. Every cell of his body screamed out for her. His skin wanted to touch hers, his heart wanted to belong to her. Only his mind said no. Insisted that he should let her be, save her from the pain that was Logan, let her live her life in peace.
"Please Rogue, tell me what it is," Logan pleaded. No other woman had ever made him feel like this, no one could have made him plead like this, no one but Rogue.
"It's nothing Logan; just…I can deal with it okay?" Rogue bit her bottom lip, and all Logan wanted to do was to kiss those lips and make it all better. But it wouldn't make it better; it would only make it worse, so he looked away, eyes locked on her eyes and not her tempting lips.
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what is wrong. I can stand her all night if that's what it takes." He lowered his hand from her chin and crossed it in front of his chest. Then he heard Rogue sigh, and he knew he had won.
"Come on in then," she said and turned around, walking into her room. Logan followed, pulling the door shut behind him.
Rogue settled on the very edge of the bed, her hands folded in her lap, her eyes staring at the floor. Logan settled at a safe distance, leaning against the wall, his hands still folded in front of him. "So, tell me what's wrong," he said.
"It's nothing really, it's just…Bobby…" Rogue started, but her voice cracked. Logan just waited, not saying anything, letting her have her time.
"He…He dumped me okay?!?" Rogue said, her voice rising for every syllable. It was like all her sadness was rapidly being replaced with anger and Logan didn't blame her.
"The ass dumped you? That's what you're so upset over?" Logan had feared that there was something seriously wrong, but this, this wasn't that bad was it?
"Yeah, he fucking dumped me, okay? See, I told you it wasn't anything you needed to worry about." Rogue folded her arms across her chest just like Logan and looked at him, anger obvious in her gaze. Logan wasn't sure if it was directed mostly at him or the Popsicle.
"Well, that's nothing to be too upset over is it? You should be happy to be rid of him."
"What would you know about that? I can be as sad as I want! If you haven't noticed it we've been together for years, and not everyone is as insensible as you Logan! So just forget all about it and get lost!" Rogue got to her feet and glared at him from across the room.
"What the hell are you angry with me for? I'm not the one who dumped you, Rogue, unless you've already forgotten it, but it was Bobby, so don't yell at me!"
"I'll yell at you all I want! You insisted to know, and then you just shrug it off like my feelings aren't worth a damn! Why did you want to know anyways, you obviously don't care!" There was no trace left of her sadness, it was all anger, and it was all directed at him, but even if she yelled at him he couldn't get angry at her, he just wanted to sweep her up in his arms and kiss her.
"It's not your feelings that ain't worth a damn, it's that asshole Bobby! If he can't appreciate being with you then he ain't worth a single tear."
"He's all I had Logan, no one cares about me here, no one! I don't fit in; I'm not even a mutant anymore. I might as well just pack my stuff and leave!"
"What, like you did before when you left your home? Something is wrong and you just leave? Do you really think that's going to help?"
"Well, it's all you do ain't it, shouldn't you know? Something goes wrong and you leave for weeks at a time. No one knows when or if you'll come back. Has it ever helped you?" Rogue spat out, her voice tinted with venom. Logan didn't know what to say. On some level maybe she was right, but she didn't know how it was not to know who you were. That was why he left, to figure out who he was, to learn about his past. Not to escape anything. Or maybe..?
Logan shook his head. "It's not the same thing Rogue. You have people here that care about you, and you know that. You can't leave; this is your home now."
"No one here really likes me, they still shy away from me, even if it's well over a year since I took the cure. They fear that my powers might kick back in. They fear getting close to me, even Bobby did." Rogue's voice dropped to a whisper.
"I don't fear you Rogue, you know that." Logan said. He hadn't feared her powers when they were active, he sure as hell didn't fear them when they were gone. All he feared was his own feelings for her.
"I can see you flinching whenever I get close Logan. Don't you think I notice? You fear it as much as everyone."
"It's not your powers I fear, it's me!" Logan roared. He couldn't stand the accusations; he had to let her know that it wasn't her he feared, not in the way she thought.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Rogue said, her voice showing off her confusion.
"I love you Rogue, I've always loved you. That's why I don't see Bobby dumping you as a bad thing, because then a small part of my brain thinks that maybe this is my time, that you'll want to be with me now. That's what I fear Rogue, that's why I can't have you too close, I can't control myself then. I know better, I know that I can never have you, I don't want you to be with me, but at the same time I want nothing more than to be with you. But I'm too old, and I'm too messed up, and you need someone else." Logan regretted it the instant he had said it, but there was no way he could take it back now.
"I'm sorry," he said as he turned around and started walking towards the door. He needed to get out so he could think clear again. Being around Rogue always made him confused.
As he grasped the doorknob with one hand he felt a petite hand on his shoulder. Slowly he turned around, meeting Rogue's stare. Her eyes were big, a look of surprise still present on them.
"I'm sorry," he said again and tried to lift away her hand, but she tightened her grip on his shoulder.
"Do you mean that?" she asked, and Logan sighed. There was no point in denying it, what was said was said. He nodded.
He could see Rogue bit her lip again, and then she laid a hand on his cheek. He couldn't help it, and his eyes slid close as he leaned into that touch. Then he could feel something soft against his lips, and his eyes opened at once, and he pulled away. She'd just kissed him. It was all he had ever dreamed about, but he couldn't let her do that. He couldn't allow himself to ruin her life.
"Rogue, I'm sorry. You are just confused, you don't want this, trust me." He took the hand she still had against his cheek and gently pushed it away.
"Well, yeah, of course I'm confused, how could I not be? But believe me, I do want this." Her lips were set in a small pout, and she sounded so very sincere. He looked down into her eyes, felt the scent of her filling every pore of his being, and he couldn't control it anymore. He just needed her, he needed her so badly. He grabbed Rogue by her shoulders and pulled her close, his lips crashing down on hers. He'd wanted this for so long. He'd tried to forget her, tried to think of something else. Tried to drown his need for her with booze, but it just wouldn't work. Tried to get his thoughts off her with violence and other girls and he didn't know what. Nothing worked. He simply wanted Rogue, needed her, and he had for a very long time.
At first she stood rigid, but then she opened up to the kiss, her lips moving against his, and when he coaxed them open with his tongue her own eagerly met his. He felt like he was drowning in the sensation that was Rogue, and that little voice in his head that kept on insisting that he should leave her alone to live her life was quiet for a moment, but then it roared up with full power.
Logan pushed Rogue away and clenched his eyes shut for a moment to clear his mind. He couldn't do this, he just couldn't.
"I...I'm sorry Rogue, I shouldn't have done that." Logan stepped back from her; ashamed of what he had done, hating himself for not being able to control himself.
"Why do you keep apologising Logan? Don't you think I have feelings for you too Logan? How couldn't you have noticed? I thought you hated me, so I gave it up, called it a stupid teenage crush and let Bobby take me out on a date. But all the time I was with him, I could never truly forget about you. It wasn't a stupid crush, and I knew that." Rogue was staring at him now, her hands crossed in front of her chest again, and her voice was eerily calm, only a hint of tears in her eyes betraying her feelings.
"I…" Logan didn't know what to say, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You shouldn't feel like that. I'm no good for you, and you know that. You need someone on your own age, someone who can take care of you and not mess you up."
"Fuck that Logan, how can you know what I need? I tried that whole "normal relationship" thing and, as you might have noticed, that didn't work out too well." Rogue threw her hands up in the air, seemingly annoyed with him.
"That's the only reason you are saying this Rogue. You're upset because he broke up with you. It's normal, but believe me, I'm not the guy you want to be with now. I can never be the guy you need."
"I'm not upset because he broke up with me! Now I'm only pissed because you are treating me like I'm five years old and can't think for myself. But I'm twenty years old, Logan, and I know what I feel. I might not have wanted to admit it to myself, but it's true no matter what. I care about you Logan, more than I ever cared about Bobby or anyone else," A small tear trickled down her cheek, and Logan wanted to brush it away, but didn't. "I want you Logan; I've always wanted you…" Rogue added in a whisper, her eyes drifting to the floor.
"Believe me Rogue, this is not what you truly want," Logan said. It felt as if his heart was breaking just saying the words. Rogue had just told him everything he had ever wanted to hear, but he just couldn't do this. She was hurt, and she needed comfort, but he couldn't provide the comfort she needed. It would only cause her more pain.
"I'm sorry about this," he said and turned away from her, pulling open the door and quickly stepping out in the hallway. As he closed the door behind him he heard a sob from inside. He never should have gone into her room in the first place, he'd ruined everything now, he truly had. With a last look at her door he set off down the hallway, heading straight for his room. He couldn't stay here now, he had to give her some room so she could forget him and get over Bobby on her own. He grabbed the bag he'd dumped in the room earlier and tossed in some clean clothes, leaving the dirty ones on the floor. The he grabbed the bottle of whisky he had intended to drink earlier and stuffed that in the bag as well. With a sigh he set off. There was no one up at this time of night, so no one saw him walk out to the garage and get his bike. He looked up at the mansion one last time, searching for the window he knew where Rogue's, but the lights were all out. He sighed and started the bike. Once again he went for the easy solution. He left.
A/N: So, what do you think? I'm still not sure if I shall leave it like this and call it a one-shot, or comtinue it. Anyhow, reviews would be very much appreciated!