I adore Avenue Q. Truly. It is my favorite musical.
And if it were up to me, Rod/Nicky would have totally happened. I mean, it's obvious they're in love with each other, no?
Rod's my favorite character, but I decided to write this from Nicky's point of view, as I have never read a fic told from Nicky's perspective.
But then again, Avenue Q doesn't have that much of a fanfiction following.
This disappoints me greatly.
Avenue Q is property of Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx. I own absolutely nothing but the plot.
It's hard enough to be a young adult in the world, let alone someone… different.
Not that I have a problem with that. I don't. I told him when I first started suspecting that he was… how he is… it'd be fine. I'm perfectly fine that he's not straight. I mean, I've known for a while. Well, suspected really… but come on, who was he kidding?
Finding him Ricky was probably my best idea yet, though. I didn't really know what Rod wanted in a man, but I picked traits pretty much everyone would like: good body, funny, successful… yep, Ricky had everything. I wanted to please him so much! I mean, he's my best friend! And I hated seeing him every day when I didn't live with him and having him ignore me.
For the good of my virgin eyes, Rod makes sure he and Ricky don't mess around in the house. I mean, I accept him, but come on- a self respecting straight man has to draw the line somewhere! Ever since that one time I caught them kissing… I asked him, kindly, to refrain from ever letting me see it again. He laughed at me, ruffled my hair, and promised me it would never happen again.
I closed the book.
Writing in a journal still seemed weird to me, but Christmas Eve told
me it was the best thing to do to recollect my thoughts after Rod
kicked me out. It was a good idea, but it was hard to stow it
somewhere Rod wouldn't find it… after all… this was his
I put the book in the closet, in the bottom of a shoebox. The shoebox contained a weird pair of fancy shoes that Rod bought me two Christmases ago. Hiding the journal under the never-worn shoes was a stroke of genius, I must say.
I put my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and went into the kitchen to see what Rod was up to. It was a Saturday, which meant he was home, but sadly, was working pretty much nonstop. Sure enough, he was drinking a diet soda and typing feverishly on his laptop.
"You know, that thing isn't gonna like, disappear if you stop typing over eighty miles per hour," I said, grabbing a beer from the refrigerator.
"Nicky, work is something you definitely cannot lecture me about," he said, sipping the last of his diet soda. I put another one down next to it, and he looked at me gratefully. "Recycle that," he said, gesturing to the little blue bin in the corner.
"Geez Rod. Are you like, PMSing today?"
"I'm gay, not a woman, Nicky," he said with a sigh.
"Well, they both like boys," I said with a shrug.
"Yeah, but there's a difference. What, did you just come over to make gay jokes at me? I thought even you were more mature than that."
"Ouch, are you sure you can't PMS?"
"Nicky, what do you want?"
"Nothin'. I'm just bored, and wanted to see what you were doing."
He sighed for some reason. "Give me an hour, okay?"
"Promise? I get so bored when all you do is work. Can't we like… go to the park or something? Or to the movies or something?"
"One hour, that's it. Why don't you go visit Princeton or something?"
I thought on it. It was nice outside. Maybe I'd go for a walk…
"Okay. I'll give you one more hour."
He smiled gratefully again, rolling up the sleeves of his button down shirt.
"Do you have to dress like an investment banker, even on your days off?" He grinned.
"Go away, Nicky."
I left our apartment
and looked outside. The sun was shining- it was a lovely day.
I wondered what to do. Visit Princeton? Or was he with Kate at the school setting up?
Well, it'd be cool to see the school… what about visiting Brian and Christmas Eve? That'd probably take more than an hour though… and they said they would come back for a visitnext weekend… and I didn't have any money on me.
I heard the slam of a door behind me. "Hey Nicky!"
"Hi Princeton!" I said, excited to see someone. "What're you up to?"
"I'm just going to go up to the school to see Kate. We might go get some lunch or something. Wanna come?"
"Yeah!" I said. "Shit… I don't think I have any money though… be right back."
I ran in the apartment and grabbed my wallet and a few crumpled bills on the nightstand next to my bed. Princeton was waiting outside for me when I came out. "Ready!"
We took the bus down to
where the school was. It wasn't that far from Avenue Q, which made
me happy- neither of them had to move! Kate was in the office of the
school, typing on a laptop, just like Rod.
"Princeton! Nicky! Hello! Let me just finish up here."
Princeton leaned against the wall, and I sat on a desk.
"You know, I might get a job here," Princeton said.
"I assumed you would. What else do you do with a B.A. in English other than… teach English?"
He laughed. "Yeah, I know. But me! My first real job! You should get a job too, Nicky."
"What, as a janitor?" I laughed. "What business do I have in a school? Do they have a slacker education career track?"
"Do you seriously want to just mooch off of Rod your whole life, though?" he asked, more seriously. "I mean, eventually you guys will have to split up and you'll have to be able to afford your own place…"
He was right, of course. How had I never thought of it before? I wouldn't be able to live with Rod forever. How had I been living under the delusion that I could? Soon Rod would find someone, and kick me out again… perhaps more nicely this time, but still…
Separating from Rod. Leaving my best friend.
Something I'd never considered.
"Eh?" I asked, coming out of my reverie.
"I said, you ready to go? Kate's just getting her purse."
"Oh. Yeah. Where are we going?"
"Charlie's?" he asked, naming the small restaurant only three blocks down from the school.
"Sweet. We can walk there, and it won't be too long of a walk!"
"Good. I don't want to have to carry you again," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Hey! Ten blocks is along way!"
"And it felt like twenty with you on my back!"
Kate came out of the office, her purse slung over her shoulder. "Ready to go?"
I was lost in thought
as I followed the two down the street to the restaurant. It was
simple, really, the idea that I'd have to leave Rod. It was common
sense. I couldn't mooch off him forever. He had his own life,
especially now that he was dating. What if Ricky moved in? I
definitely would have to leave then! I couldn't stand that. What if
I caught them kissing again? Or even more… agh! I couldn't even
We were seated quickly and I looked at the menu without really taking it in.
"I got the soup here last time, but I had debated forever whether to get the soup or the salad… and the soup was really good," Kate debated.
"Well, then get the soup again, if it was good."
"Well, what if the salad is better? I mean, I debated with it last time, and I said the next time we came here I'd get the salad."
"Then get the salad."
"But what if the salad is really bad? Then I'd be kicking myself, saying I should have gotten the soup."
"Then get the soup."
"But what if the salad is even better than the soup?"
Princeton burst out laughing, and kissed her on the forehead. "What the hell do you want me to say? Get them both!"
"I can't finish both!"
"Then I'll get the salad, you get the soup, and we can share. Happy?"
"Hmm… ooh, they have lasagna!"
"I can't win," laughed Princeton.
"I like lasagna!" I said. I didn't know how much I could eat though. I was doing far too much serious thinking- more than I ever did. I wanted to go home and work it out by writing in my journal… wow, Christmas Eve was right!
In the end, Princeton got the salad, Kate got the soup, and I got the lasagna… Kate couldn't decide whether she liked the soup or the salad more, and was confused about what she would order the next time we came.
"Never, if it was up to me," Princeton muttered to me, as we walked to the bus stop. I laughed. "Women are socomplicated."
"Oh, I know! I see how-" I stopped myself quickly, blushing furiously.
"You see what?" Princeton asked. "You okay, Nicky?"
"I lost my train of thought," I said, trying to hide my blush.
"Oh," he said with a chuckle. "Well… here's the bus."
As soon as we got
to Avenue Q, I rushed in our apartment to find my journal and write.
"Nicky! You've been gone for two hours! I finished an hour ago just for you, and you don't even show," Rod teased, as soon as I came in.
"Oh, like you didn't use the extra time to work!" I said. I rushed into the kitchen and checked his laptop. "Yep. Still on! You liar!"
He laughed. "I really am done now. I just need to shut down the computer, give me two minutes tops."
"Take your time," I said. I had to write. He raised an eyebrow, (well, he always had a weird expression of raising his eyebrow) but went into the kitchen.
I dug the book out of the shoebox and grabbed a pen. Still sitting in the closet, I began to write.
I went to Charlie's
with Princeton and Kate today. It seems like they're doing really
well. They make a really sweet couple.
How come I can't find happiness like that? I mean, I'll meet a nice girl, but girls are just so complicated, I just screw it up.
I was talking to Princeton today about the complicated-ness of girls. And I almost said, "I see how Rod goes for boys, girls are so complicated."
Um, excuse me, but no! Girls may be complicated, but the idea of boys being less complicated is foolish. I mean, dating someone of the same sex would be just… weird. Not right. And probably even more complicated than a woman!
Rod… Princeton said that I'd have to leave him today. But how did I not know that? I mean, did I honestly think I could just stay here and grow old in Rod's apartment while freeloading? Definitely not. How had I not foreseen the day when I'd have to leave him? Rod. My best buddy. We'd have to break up the dynamic duo… okay, now I'm just getting too Saturday-morning-cartoony. But still…
I can't imagine living by myself. It'd be so quiet. I mean, it's already really quiet when Rod's at work, which is most of the time. I've grown used to depending on the brief hours Rod is home for human contact… and now, with Ricky in the picture, Rod'll be gone even more…
Stupid Ricky. How can he steal the only Rod time I have? I mean, who else do I have to talk to? He's not the only one who cares about Rod, you know.
I mean… woah! Not like that. Definitely. I mean, he's the only one who cares about Rod like that, but he's my best friend. I mean, don't I deserve some say in this?
"Nicky? Where are
I hurriedly stashed the book in the shoebox and jumped out of the closet. "Here Rod!"
"What were you doing… in the closet?"
"Oh, nothing…" I was so tempted to make a gay joke. SO tempted.
"No gay joke?" asked Rod, amused. He took off his tie and draped it over his headboard.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"Nicky, we've lived together for how many years? I think I can practically read your thoughts."
Dear God I hope not.
"Oh, so what am I thinking now?" I asked, walking into the living room.
"You're hoping that there is a reality show on TV, and hoping that I will let you watch it even though I hate reality television. And you know I will."
"Wow!" He was good. I flipped through the channel and found some sort of weird dating show, and left it on that. Rod rolled his eyes, but sat on the couch, laughing at the show almost as much as me.
"You know, I think you secretly love these shows," I said. I smiled. I never got to spend time with Rod, and watching TV wasn't nearly as fun alone.
"Shhh. She's picking the winner."
"She's gonna pick Derek. Logan has no chance."
"Oh are you kidding me? Derek may be in shape, but Logan is just so sweet and nice, who cares if he isn't as buff as Derek?"
"But you KNOW that's what she's looking for! Logan is no contest!"
"Nicky, looks only go so far. Sometimes you have to look inside and even the laziest slacker like Logan-"
"He lives with his parents, he mooches off of them! I mean come on, the real world, hellooo?"
"But he's just so sweet, and so nice… and so funny and lighthearted… and Derek seems like he could be everything she wants but maybe shewants a slacker!"
"Oh, she wants a fixer-upper?"
"No, Nicky, maybe he's fine the way he is!"
"Shh shh, the commercial is over," I said, cutting Rod off. He'd see. She'd pick Derek. Who'd pick Logan when successful, fit Derek was the other choice? It seriously was no contest.
The bachelorette was standing by the beach. "I've really grown to love both of you," she said. "But I'm going to have to pick… Logan."
"WHAT?!" I shouted.
"Ha! I should have made a bet," Rod said, pumping his fist in the air.
"Nicky… love isn't about who looks the best or is the most successful. You love people for who they are."
"But Derek is so successful! I mean, and he's so nice and good looking and rich!"
"Nicky, none of that matters to her. She loves Logan. She loves every bone in his stupid slacker body, and loves him even more for being a slacker."
"Oh, so he can mooch off of her now?"
"Well, if she loves him, she won't mind it. She loves him, and just his company is enough for her. More than enough."
I grumbled. It still didn't make sense to me. How could she just blindly provide for this complete slacker who didn't contribute at all?
I mean, Derek had everything a woman would want. This show doesn't make sense.
"This show doesn't make sense," I grumbled.
"Hey, you chose it," said Rod. For some reason he looked strange.
"Rod, you okay? I didn't mean to be mean or something. I just… I don't know."
"Huh? Oh no, Nicky, you didn't do anything. Don't worry." He smiled sadly at me.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, scooting closer to him on the couch. "Crap. What did I do now?"
"Nothing. I'm just… so tired. Do you want to catch a movie tomorrow? I promise we'll hang out all day. I think I'm going to bed."
"What do you wanna see?"
"Um… I don't know. I'll pick it out tomorrow, I guess."
"Okay," he said, smiling sleepily. "Night, Nicky."
I sat on the couch for a while, flipping through the channels. What had suddenly come over Rod? Was he okay?
I probably did something again. I was probably too rude about the stupid reality show. He doesn't even like reality shows, and I made him watch one… and then yelled at him.
After all he's done for me. I turned off the TV. Ugh. I had to get out of this slump.
Sleep will help. I walked into the bedroom and just fell on the bed. Soon I was asleep.
I woke up. God, what
time is it? I looked at the clock on my nightstand. Noon? I'd slept
until noon, and Rod hadn't woken me up?
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Shit. I was still wearing my clothes from last night. I pulled my hoodie over my head and went to my closet to find a shirt.
I turned around. Rod was still in bed?! At noon?!
"Rod! You're still in bed? It's noon!"
"Noon?" He asked, rubbing his eyes. "Shit! The movies! Sorry Nicky, we can just catch a later showing."
The phone rang shrilly. "Shit," Rod said again, and picked it up. "Hello?"
I found a shirt and slipped it over my head, the soft cotton fabric smelling faintly of Rod's favorite detergent- how someone could have a favorite detergent is beyond me.
"Oh, hi Ricky!" Rod said, his face lighting up. "No, I just woke up." He laughed. "Yeah, I know." He listened for a while, then he gasped. "No! Dress circle?! Today? That's… amazing! What-" He looked up at me. "I can't go today."
"No!" I shouted. "Go! It sounds like a lot of fun!"
"I promised Nicky… yeah. I know… yeah."
"Yeah. Okay. Call me tomorrow? Sounds good. Bye!" He hung up.
"Roooooooood!" I groaned. "How could you do this? He had tickets to some play? And you didn't go?!"
"Nicky, I promised you we'd hang out today."
"That didn't mean you have to cancel a date!"
"Well, there's always time for more dates, I guess," he said with a shrug. I blushed.
"Rod, if you had to pick something to do today, you should have picked the more fun thing! I mean, movies, yeah, movies are here for a while. But you love shows, and dress circle seats?! Not bad!"
"Well, sometimes what looks like the best option isn't the one you always want to pick, you know?"
I gasped. "Like on that show last night! When she didn't pick Derek, she picked…"
The nonsensical slacker. I remembered his words…
"Nicky, none of
that matters to her. She loves Logan. She loves every bone in his
stupid slacker body, and loves him even more for being a
"Oh, so he can mooch off of her now?"
"Well, if she loves him, she won't mind it. She loves him, and just his company is enough for her. More than enough."
All of a sudden I
I had just put two and two together. How could I have not seen it? How could I have not known! It was so obvious!
Oh no. I'd have to break his heart! He knew I was straight! He knew!
He rushed over, and looked at me. "Are you alright? What happened? Are you sick? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"
I was shaking. How did I not know? I couldn't handle this.
"Nicky, relax, what's wrong?"
I stared into his brown eyes, filled with concern.
"You love me."
Rod laughed. "What? I- no! I… no! Nicky, what… no!"
"You've loved me! And… I just now…"
"Nicky," he said, smoothing my hair.
"Don't touch me!" I shouted, taking a few steps back. "I… don't… know…"
"Nicky, I don't! I don't! I have Ricky!"
"You do! You do and I know it now! So just say it!"
"Fine! You're right. I love you. Happy? Happy now that I've just now ruined everything?!"
"Ruined everything is right! How could- I am- you-"
"Oh, like I planned for this to happen, Nicky! Like Iwanted this to happen! It just happened! You can't help who you love! You can't, regardless of sex or orientation!"
"Why me though, Rod? Why do you have to do this to our friendship?"
"I wasn't ever going to say anything! Why are you making a big deal out of this, Nicky? Can't we just move on?"
"Move on? How can I… how can we… just move on?"
"Well, you can accept that I unfortunately… have feelings for you. And we can pretend that this whole thing has never happened."
"Oh okay. I'll just forget that my best friend is in love with me. Poof! All gone."
"Fine. Fine." He sighed. "I knew this would happen one day, but I had hoped it would be years later. I guess… today's the day. Nicky… we're going to have to go our separate ways."
I gaped. "No! No! This is what Princeton was talking about!"
"He said that you'd kick me out one day! And he said we'd have to go away form each other! And I was freaking out… and now it's happening! Now it is! The day after I talk to him, it happens, and…"
Rod looked at me.
"And… I don't want to leave! I don't ever want to go away. I want us to be together forever! You're my best friend, and I don't ever want to have to leave you! You say move on, but I don't wantto move on! That means leaving! And I like how things are right now! I like living with you and watching TV with you, and how you'll let me watch whatever I want, even if you hate it! I like making jokes at you while you do your work, and getting you soda when you're thirsty, and living under your roof though I don't even deserve it! I like when it's six o'clock, and you come home and complain about how much work sucks and how lucky I am to not have a job, and then call me a lazy freeloader! Because I know that I'm lucky to have a best friend who cares enough for me to not tell me this big secret because he's afraid that it can ruin our friendship!
"What if I don't want to leave, Rod? Will you kick me out anyway? Will you not be able to stand seeing my face even though I want to be here every day? Now that I know your biggest secret? Well, what if I tell you my biggest secret?"
"Nicky, I know pretty much everything about you."
"Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. That isn't everything! Rod, I stay here every day simply waiting for you to come home. Most of my life is spent waiting for you! You are my favorite person in the world. I can't imagine living anywhere else because I… because… I…"
Rod's eyes widened. "You…"
"Fine! I love you too, okay? I fucking love you! I don't know how this all came about, but I've been realizing it lately and I've been so confused… I have no idea what I think… I'm straight… but I'm not… because…"
My mind was buzzing like a beehive. A single tear escaped my eye, and Rod pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. I hugged him back. It felt so right, so solid. I let a small laugh escape me.
"I didn't think someone as lanky as you would give such a good hug."
He laughed embarrassedly. "Yeah, well…"
He brushed the moisture away from my eye, and I laughed.
"God I'm confused," I admitted.
"Yeah, me too. I mean… with the whole…"
"Years," he said, without even asking what I meant.
"God. Years. And I just realized now? Wow. Straight guys are dense."
"I… God, I'm so confused!"
He laughed, and took my face in his hands.
"I'm so… I don't even know."
I stared at him. "Well… there's one way we can try this, no?"
"Eh?" He asked.
This was the most bizarre thing I'd ever done. But, I had to do it. I had to try.
I leaned forward, awkwardly, hesitantly, and pressed my lips against his.
I don't know why I expected male lips to be different from female lips. His lips were soft and tasted like the mints he kept on his nightstand. It was the same as kissing a girl, but at the exact same time it was extremely different. But this way I could finally tell Rod how I felt, how much I cared about him, and it worked so much better than words.
Rod didn't kiss back, afraid I'd freak out. I felt like freaking out, but I didn't. He stared at me. I giggled. It was stupid, it was childish…
"Straight?" he asked.
"Hardly," I answered, and kissed him again, pushing him against the wall.
I shot out of bed,
breathing heavily. I stared at my bedside clock. Two o'clock. Two
"Nicky?" asked Rod sleepily. "Are you okay?"
"What day is it?" I asked, freaking out.
"Saturday… ah no, it's Sunday now."
"Are you going to see a play with Ricky?"
"What? No… I thought we were going to the movies…?"
"But if you had to choose between going to the play with Ricky or the movies with me?"
"Dress circle seats!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"It was all a dream? The mints, the noon, the kiss?"
"What? Sure. Yeah. Now can we go back to bed?"
"We?!" I squeaked.
"Yes. Me, and you. We go to sleep. No more talky."
"Oh oh, right," I said. I was sweating. I touched my lips. I could still feel the pressure…
It was all a dream. I was having gay dreams?! What did this mean!
"Nicky, for the love of… what?"
"Do you have a booklight?"
"Booklight? Sure… but what do you need it for?"
"I need to… never mind."
I rolled over and buried myself under the covers. Shit shit shit shit shit. What was going on? Why was I having dreams about Rod?
What was going on? Did Rod really love me? Was I straight? Of course I was. Of course.
Then why was I still picturing the kiss in my head?
Why could I still feel the pressure of his soft lips on mine?
I felt a hand on my shoulder and shot up.
"Rod?! Ah! What?"
"You're muttering. Are you okay? You sound worried."
"Can you answer me something?"
"Sure. I don't know if I'll get back to sleep," he joked.
I realized his hand was still on my shoulder the same moment he did, and he pulled it away.
"Am I dreaming now?"
"How do I know?! I had a really lifelike dream… or maybe that was reality… and this is a dream?"
"Do you want me to pinch you?"
"Well… kind of?"
He laughed, and pinched me softly on the hand.
"It was so lifelike…" I said, sitting up in bed. He sat at the foot.
I blushed furiously.
"Did you have some sort of dirty dream? Nicholas!" he said in mock surprise. I laughed outright at that.
"Well… it was weird. But… do you want me to leave?"
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No! Of course not!"
"Oh, good! Because… in my dream… and Princeton…"
"You had a dream about Princeton?" I noticed a bizarre look in his eye.
"No! Yesterday, he was talking about the future, and moving on, and how one day I'd have to leave…"
Rod chuckled softly and ruffled my hair. "You can stay with me as long as you like, forever and ever and ever," he said, his tone light, but his eyes seriously.
"Because we're best friends?"
"Yes. Because we're best friends."
"Forever," Rod said, with a smile. He leaned closer and stared into my eyes.
"Do you believe me? I'm serious. Do I look like I'm lying?"
Before I knew what I was doing, I had pulled his face towards mine and was kissing him.
I pulled away.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit… I am so sorry… Rod…"
"What… why… huh…? Is this a dream?"
"I thought you knew!" I wailed. "Is it or not?"
"It's not…" he said. "But… what the hell are you doing?!"
"I… dream… love…"
"Rod, are you in love with me?"
Rod laughed. "What? I- no! I… no! Nicky, what… no!"
"You are. You have been for years!"
He sighed. "Yeah. God, yes, I'm so screwed up. I'm so sorry, Nicky."
"I had a dream and you told me… and I woke up… and I realized… that you were right... er, that my dream was right… and… you're in love with me."
Rod sighed. "God… I've ruined everything, haven't I?"
I put my hand on his. "Er… no. Because… I realized something else, too."
"What?" he asked, with an exhausted laugh. "What else could I have possibly done?"
I put my hand on his. "You're my best friend. Best buddy… best pals… we've been together forever… and I can't imagine ever leaving you. You're my best friend… I had a really inspiring speech in my dream," I said lamely. "But all I know is that life without you… I don't even want to think about it. I want to be with you forever. Together, best friends… a team… a 'dynamic duo'…"
"How Saturday-morning-cartoons of you," he said with an embarrassed laugh.
"Shut up. Anyway… the more I think about it, the more I realize that you make me happier than anyone else I know… I spend most of my time waiting eagerly for you to come home… like a silly puppy… and…" I sighed. "I want to be with you together forever. As roommates… as best friends… and… I love you, Rod. I've been so confused lately and I finally realize what I always should have known all along. I'm in love with you. You make me smile… I miss you so much when you're gone… and the idea of leaving you tears me open inside. I've wanted to know what to call this… and I realize now… God, Rod, I'm so sorry. I've completely screwed so much of this up."
I looked up at him. He was staring at me, looking confused as hell.
"Wait, wait. You love me?!" He said, his voice even more nasally and high pitched than usual. "What is this?!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
"No, that's what I'm supposed to say!"
"But I'm sorry too!"
"So am I!"
We stared at each other exasperatedly… and I let out a snort. He stared at me and began to laugh. Soon we were both laughing insanely, at two in the morning… two best friends…
"We're screwed up," he finally said, holding his side.
"Damn straight," I said with a laugh.
"Straight?" he asked.
I smiled and took his hand in mine. I kissed the top of his hand.
"Hardly," I answered, and leaned in for an incredibly awkward yet insanely satisfying kiss.
Rod/Nicky is pretty much the bombiest pairing ever. Just saying.