Disclaimer: I do not own Altair. But Lynn will. Eventually. Just not now. Altair and Assassin's Creed belongs to some computer geniuses.

Lynn- cries

Evee- pats her on the back


Altair scanned the plaza nervously. Well, you couldn't really tell because of the hood, but let me tell you, he was sweating buckets. Oh yes, he was nervous.

Altair fumed quietly in his mind. "All he needs to do is pop his head out and BOOM. Is it too much to ask? I'm doing most of the work anyway."

"Lazy bi-otch." He muttered, staring at nothing in particular.

Okay, I guess he was pissed too. So he was pissed and nervous.

Not good. For any of the innocent civilians wandering around the plaza like the mindless alternate characters they are.

Speaking of the OC's, they were inching closer and closer to him. Strange, it seemed most of them were females. Usually only males came after him.

…because they meant to kill him, of course.

Poor Altair was getting confused. Why were so many after him? He was masquerading in his monk's outfit, as he usually did, but he'd never received such attention before. Little did Altair realize that, because of the heat, the robe was clearly sticking to his skin, giving the ladies a glimpse of impossibly toned muscles.


Just as Altair was contemplating the extermination of a particularly courageous young thing, who was apparently mesmerized by the stall of oranges just behind him (more like she was mesmerized by his behind), his attention was caught by a ray of light.

I bet you all knew that Altair is as strong as a bird of prey, and twice as frightening. (And also infinitely sexier, but we'll get into that later). But I bet you didn't know he was quite fond of shiny objects. Oh yes, quite fond.

So when he saw that blinding glimmer through the window of some building, his thought process went something like this:




Altair. Get. Pretty light.

And off he went. Up the side of the building, swinging from window ledge to window ledge like a monkey (Nevertheless a very sexy monkey, but I digress). By this time, the citizens in the plaza had noticed him, the guards had noticed him, and everyone in the building had noticed him.

Unaware of Altair's vital quest, the people below, guards and female stalkers alike, began throwing...things...at him. Yes, things. Like rocks. And pointy sticks. Poor, poor Altair.

Still, our brave hero struggled on, towards the light, and, with one more mighty swing, found himself balancing precariously on the sill of none other than a young woman.

A very young woman.

In a towel.

Altair, focused on his mission, barely registered this fact. He was focused on the pretty, pretty light that was located right above the hem of the towel. Strange, it seemed to be attached to a chain—but no matter. With his inhuman speed, he reached out to grab it—

And found himself looking up at the sky, where there was another blinding light. Funny, he didn't remember tripping. And he was pretty sure there was a roof in most buildings.

Then Altair died.

Well, no, not really.

He miraculously landed in a convenient pile of hay, then proceeded to evade the guards and his new hoard of rabid fangirls, and managed to escape with the skill of a true assassin, but—

He died a little inside.

It's true. Because of the pretty, pretty light that the mean girl wouldn't let him touch.

Big meanie.


Hope the parody brought you at least a little amusement.

-- evee