I dunno where this came from. Nor do I wanna know. All I'll tell you is, I had the song "Monster Mash" stuck in my head the whole way through, (as the first line would strongly indicate…)
This is my NOT-ENTRY entry for the Testosterone Poisoning Challenge (which closed yesterday, lol.) If you would like to join in the February Writing Challenge, go to the Monthly Mediator Writing Challenge forum! It's all good fun, lol. And winners of January should be announced later today, thanks to all those who participated.
R.I.P. Heath Ledger…
I was walking down an alley at night
With not a worry or a care in sight
When suddenly I was pressed against the wall
Ten guesses at the culprit? …Obviously, Paul.
"Gerroff!" I barked, kneeing him…there.
His eyes darkened into a lusty glare.
"No one to save you now," he said.
"Especially not your Drop Dead Fred."
I kicked and thrashed and punched with my fists.
But hey, who am I kidding? The boy can kiss.
So I succumbed to a smidgen of tonsil hockey,
At which point he started getting cocky.
About his kissing, I mean to say.
Don't take that another way.
But yeah – he was really getting into it
I said, "Oh God, I'm in such deep – poo."
He rolled his eyes that were so blue,
(Since this is the thing I usually do,)
And tried to pull me back down for more…
Until: "HEY! Get back, you evil man-whore!"
But that exclamation was not my own –
It interrupted my guilty moan.
Then, flying out of the misty eve,
Was Jesse, way hotter than I dared to believe.
Dressed to the nines in tight-tights and spurs
He spat, "Oi, Slater! Away from her!"
Paul rose immediately to the occasion.
"I think I might need some… persuasion…"
And they were off. I moaned, quite pissed.
I mean, I could have been getting kissed.
But noooo. Instead, I was now being shown
A disgusting display of testosterone.
They upper-cutted, right-hooked, kneed and bit.
I got a little bored, and decided to sit.
I examined my nails – I combed my locks;
I yawned, checked the time, and kicked at some rocks.
"You will never have her, Slater!" Jesse declared.
"No one would want you unless they were severely impaired."
"But do not worry, Paul; do not dismay…"
"I'll send all the deaf, dumb and blind girls your way!"
"You dick!" Paul snapped, extremely offended.
"I happen to come HIGHLY recommended."
"Ask your queer-ida for her review."
"Tell me: does she sigh when you kiss her too?"
I flushed angrily. "Dude. That was NOT cool."
"Stop acting like snot-nosed brats from preschool!"
"Haven't you considered the other idea – "
"That I want you BOTH to disappear?"
Jesse's and Paul's faces went very blank.
"So…it's not us you want to spank?"
Paul's icy blue eyes began to well
And Jesse's crotch ceased to swell.
I shrugged. "I guess my secret is out."
"For even though I'm not very devout…"
"I've been looking for a more… mature dick."
"And that would be Father Dominic."
And out from the shadows emerged the priest,
Dressed in leather; not ashamed in the least.
He dragged coolly on a cigarette.
"Oh – there you are, my little nymphette…"
Jesse gasped in horror. "Susannah – you've been cheating?"
"So this was the man whom you were meeting!"
Dom chuckled. "Sorry Jesse…but you can't contend,"
"With a vessel of God, my corpse-y friend."
"And besides," I added, "Did you really think,"
"That necrophilia's my thing? You're dead. You stink."
And with that, I left my stalker and my boy,
To be with a real man, (whose sex I enjoy.)
So Jesse and Paul stood side by side, suddenly cold.
"But…" Paul whimpered, "…He's just so old."
"Think of the children…." Jesse agreed.
"Dude," Paul groaned. "We really need weed."
But their eyes suddenly caught in the pale moonlight.
A spark crackled between them, shimmering bright.
Jesse's jaw clenched hard, and he seized Paul's waist.
And he kissed him passionately, marvelling the taste.
And it was Brokeback Mountain all over again.
But with only one gay cowboy; the other, insane.
They lost themselves to a fevered, sharp heat,
And ravaged each other, in the dark lonely street…
So there. That's the lesson for today.
An absence of Susannah…turns men gay.