Title: Not Another Reunion Fic!

Rating: T

Summary: The ultimate parody of the Doctor/Rose reunion fic.

Disclaimer: Doctor Who belongs to the BBC. The majority of the ideas in this fic belong to just about everyone who's ever written a reunion fic.

Author's Note (PLEASE READ!): First of all, let it be known that I do not mean to criticise the reunion fic. It was a wonderful invention. However, after reading so many (and a night spent watching Not Another Teen Movie), I decided this had to be written.

Reunion fic – a piece of writing written in order to reunite two characters that have been separated in the fictional world, e.g. the Doctor and Rose. These stories can be as little as a few hundred words and as big as 10,000. There are 3 types of reunion fic:

1. The obligatory 'I just watched Doomsday' fic.

2. The obligatory 'It's been weeks/months/years since Doomsday aired, but I just got a good idea then' fic.

3. The obligatory 'OMG Rose is really coming back!' fic.

Not Another Reunion Fic!

After Martha had left, the Doctor had decided that enough was enough – he was going to get Rose back. He concluded that he should go to Cardiff to seek Jack's advice. Jack was surprisingly useful.

"What do you mean there's no way through?" he said. "There are heaps of ways to go to a parallel universe!"

"Like what?" the Doctor asked.

"The rift, for example," Jack explained. "Everyone knows the rift and the Void are connected."

"Oh," said the Doctor. "Well, in that case…"

"And then there are black holes," continued Jack. "Remember how Rose said that she thought black holes were gateways to other universes?" The Doctor scratched his head.

"Now that you mention it…" he began.

"Or you could search out your future son/daughter," suggested Jack.

"Huh?" said the Doctor.

"You know, the one you're going to have with Rose," said Jack. "They'll always help you out to prevent a paradox. Or, failing all that, you could just go for sheer dumb luck. You'll be in the TARDIS one day, have a bit of a bumpy ride, open the door and stare up at the sky to find it full of zeppelins. That one's quite a popular choice."

"Hmm," murmured the Doctor. "I'll go the rift thanks Jack. You wanna tag along? You could catch up with Rose, explain the whole 'I can't die' thing, have a flirt with Jackie, Pete, or whoever else is in the room at the time…"

"Nah, I'm cool," said Jack. "Okay, if you'll just step into the Hub here I'll get you set up with everything you need."

Inevitable reunion, here I come, thought the Doctor.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Rose had just finished work at, you guessed it, Torchwood. She began the walk home, sighing as she thought her usual emo thoughts about how she'd died that day at Bad Wolf Bay and she'd never be whole again. Work that day had been exhausting. Her team had discovered an alien device that apparently transported people to parallel universes and they had offered her first chance to try it. But because of the lack of trust she had in the object, Rose had declined. Then when she was on her lunchbreak she had run into a parallel Doctor. He offered her the chance to travel with him and possibly help in getting her back to her own universe, but if he was anything like her Doctor, she didn't want to put too much faith in his driving skills. Rose finally turned the corner to her house. She lived in Pete's mansion with her parents, though she had considered buying a small place down at Bad Wolf Bay so she could relive the pain of that tearful goodbye on a daily basis. Anyway, she opened the door and sat down on the couch.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"It worked!" exclaimed the Doctor. "Now, where to land … I could land in the middle of Torchwood where Rose is obviously working so she'll hear reports of a big blue box … nah, I think I'll go for smack bang in the middle of the lounge room, which I only ever saw once briefly, but I think I know where it is." The engines whirred as the central column moved up and down, then it suddenly stopped.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Rose rubbed her eyes. She had to be dreaming. The TARDIS had just landed right in front of her.

"Mum! Dad! Mickey!" she screamed. All three rushed to her side, a look of awe on the face of each. The door opened, and out stepped the Doctor, who looked out at them.

"Rose," he whispered. "It's really you." However, he was approached by Jackie, who gave him a giant slap on the face.

"That's for breaking my daughter's heart!" she cried. The Doctor rubbed his cheek.

"You know, you've only ever slapped me once before," he remarked. "Now you're the stereotypical slapping mother. Martha's mum slapped me too. Why didn't anyone ever make her the stereotypical slapping mum?" Rose ignored him and slowly walked up to him.

"I knew you'd come," she said. "I knew I'd see you again. I was way too popular to be written out forever."

"That's true, although there are a large number of people who despise your chavvish image and the fact that you fell in love with me," replied the Doctor. "Martha, my last companion, was meant to be an older, smarter, more racially diverse version of you, however unlike you and me, her love was one-sided." Rose cocked her head to one side, then gasped.

"Did you just say that you love me?" she asked.

"Of course I do!" said the Doctor. "Isn't that obvious to people? What else did they think I was going to say when I descended into the Pit? Why else would I blow up a sun to say goodbye to you and make this whole heartbreaking speech? Why else would I mention you in basically every episode of last season?" Rose smiled, her first proper smile in ages.

"I love you too," she said. She looked up at the Doctor and leaned in towards him. The Doctor cupped Rose's cheek in his hand as he too, leaned in. Finally their lips touched, in a very cute, very romantic kiss that would have attracted 'awwwwwwwwww!'s and possibly tears from many a Doctor/Rose shipper. When they broke apart, Rose wiped a single tear of joy from her face.

"In that case Doctor, there's something I'd better tell you," she said. "I lied at Bad Wolf Bay. I'm pregnant with your baby."

"What?" spluttered the Doctor. "But how?"

"Well, it was either from that one-nighter we had after London 2012 but never mentioned again because we didn't want to ruin our friendship," pondered Rose, "or it could be something to do with the TARDIS, Bad Wolf, etc." Just then Mickey cleared his throat.

"Excuse me everyone," he said. "I think this would be an appropriate time for me to speak."

"Oh no, you're not going to make the whole 'You broke Rose's heart and I'm not letting you hurt her again' speech are you?" asked the Doctor, gulping.

"Actually I'm making the 'I just want Rose to be happy, and she was happiest with the Doctor' speech," corrected Mickey. "Rose, you know we weren't going anywhere. Every time you were around the Doctor it was like I didn't even exist. You held his hand and hugged him more than any companion before you. You two were meant to be together."

"Thanks Mickey," said Rose. "So Doctor, what's the deal with the TARDIS? Do I have to make a painful goodbye to my family because you can never come back? Or have you miraculously found a permanent way through so we can duck back and forth whenever it suits us?"

"I'm not sure actually," admitted the Doctor. "Better make it the painful goodbye just for good measure. Then if we can come back, that's an added bonus. But first, there's something you and I need to do."

"What's that?" asked Rose. The Doctor moved his head in the direction of the bedroom, but Rose was still oblivious. Finally Jackie stepped in.

"Now it's time for you two to have long awaited passionate sex," she told her daughter. "So come on, get to it!" Rose blushed and looked towards the Doctor. Then, without talking, they took hands and walked into the bedroom.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"That was amazing," said Rose. "You're pretty fit for a 900-year-old."

"Not so bad yourself," said the Doctor, grinning. "Who knew things could work out this well?"

"Yeah, it's pretty lucky," agreed Rose. She turned to the side and looked at the Doctor, who started stroking her cheek.

"The thing is Rose," he said, "even if you come back to travel with me, and you survive throughout all our adventures, you're still going to age and eventually die."

"Actually, no," confessed Rose. "Apparently the TARDIS/Bad Wolf changed my biology to be part Time Lord. I've grown a second heart, and she gave me 3 regenerations to match your remaining ones."

"How did you work out 3?" asked the Doctor.

"It's simple," said Rose. "If I simply never aged, I'd outlive you and be miserable. If I had 13 regenerations, I'd have a closer connection to you, but still outlive you and be miserable. 3 regenerations is the best option."

"Very logical," admitted the Doctor. "So I guess we've gotta go now."

"Yep," said Rose. "We've done everything we need to do here. Made our separation completely redundant, confessed our love for each other…"

"Don't forget the passionate sex!" called Jackie from the door.

"Go away Mum!" said Rose. "So … where do you want to go first?" The Doctor grinned.

"Barcelona," he said. "I need to show you those dogs."