I've also been busy writing half-assed incomplete GrimmUlqui one shots and prompts – that pairing needs more love. Leave me alone.
Just for future reference, I think the Espada are doing their assignment in Canada – probably because I live in Canada. I don't know other people's government hierarchy as well as I do Canada's, nor am I bothered to look it up. Go being an ignorant North American! So yea... MPP stands for 'Member of Provincial Parliament'. Don't ask why they use Japanese titles – I just thought of this on the spot. Just let it slide. v.v
I have a feeling you're gunna be a bit pissed, Meepy (or any other non-GrimmUlqui fans). Please don't though, because I planned this chapter before my GrimmUlqui obsession. Ya know... back when I hated GrimmUlqui because I didn't like yaoi. -cough-
I've never seen the movie 'Cujo', nor read the book.
I dedicate this chapter to 'Death Note' by Takeshi Obata. Obviously, I do not own the genius manga/anime.
It's All Part of the Experience
It's a Hate-Hate Relationship
Perhaps Ulquiorra was right. Maybe Grimmjow getting a car was a good idea, as he spent more time than anyone would have thought out of the house, and thankfully out of their lives. He did God-knows-what, but he always insisted that it was nothing. The response was thrown around airily, making no one take no note on the vague response. Or, at least everyone was led to believe.
He couldn't be doing nothing. It just wasn't possible for someone of Grimmjow's habits and personality to be doing nothing in the first place, so why should Ulquiorra believe that bag of lies? It was irritating to no end. Every time Halibel would ask in that all-too happy and joyful voice 'Oh, what did you do while you were out, Grimmjow?' and he would answer with a gruff 'nothing', it grated on Ulquiorra's nerves. It just wasn't right. He should have cared, anyways.
He blamed it on natural human curiosity. Over the couple of days he had stayed home from school due to a sudden 'sickness' and the dim-witted schooling-humans never seemed to doubt it. What was even more disgusting was the living patterns Ulquiorra had developed, the human senses sinking in. He got splitting headaches from listening to his fellow Arrancar yell and scream every moment of the day. And not those silly, insignificant head throbs he only used to get. Oh, no. Head-bashing, make-you-want-to-murder-everything-blindly headaches. Not only that, but he felt the full effects of sickness in his midsection. Once, he even had Halibel claim he was 'warm' after she put a hand on his forehead. He had no idea what it had meant, but it must not have been a good sign by the frown she had when saying it. All in all, human life was awful.
There was one thing worse than all the headaches and sickness in the world though. Her name was Halibel. A woman once feared and/or respected by eight deadly men, reduced to nothing but a babbling and maternal fool. And of course, knowing his luck, the woman took it out on him.
"Smile, Ulquiorra!" Oh, he would do no such thing, especially not when Halibel had insisted on suddenly blinding him with a bright flash.
"Uh... Halibel, what are you doing?" Stark. At least he was being reasonable enough to question the wench's – yes, that's correct. Ulquiorra did just call his superior a wench – motives for blinding him with a small box.
Halibel brightened and Ulquiorra visibly winced, swearing he was almost blinded again. "Well, you see, Ulquiorra had his first day on a mission as an Espada, right? Normal people don't go around making memories of that, of course-" there was a failure to notice that they weren't normal people to begin with. "-but now we have an exception to our little group! Ulquiorra now is a normal human, meaning we should treat him as such. Also, from the research I've been doing, I discovered that human mothers document their child's first day at school. And technically this is my son's first day going to school as a human. So say cheese!" There was another bright flash going in Stark's general direction, and the first Espada nearly tumbled over when he backed up into a end table.
"Well, I suppose," Stark struggled for words, not wanting to offend the hyperactive woman. "that kind of makes sense." He scratched his head and lumbered back into the safety of the kitchen to avoid any more snapshots coming from the camera happy woman.
Ulquiorra felt another skull-destroying headache beginning to form when Halibel bounded over to him and started evening out his already straightened uniform. He moved to swat her hand away, but it had already strayed away and gone to the task of getting him his backpack. She handed it to him eagerly, either missing or ignoring the desperate look he gave Szayel as he headed into the kitchen.
"Okay, now, I know you're an Espada but be nice to the others, okay? Make sure to get all the homework you missed from your teachers. Here's some money to buy your lunch." She handed him a folded bill, but still continued with her ranting. Behind him, Ulquiorra heard the door open and Grimmjow entered the house, just returning from his early morning car ride. Halibel stopped her talking and smiled to Grimmjow. "Good morning, Grimmjow."
The lucky bastard only had to grunt an answer. It was something that Ulquiorra or Noitra would never have the option of doing on pain of severe questioning and interrogation. Grimmjow shoved his hands into his jean pockets and walked towards the kitchen – only to be stopped when Halibel grabbed onto his elbow and guided him around in a circle to face her.
"Ahm, so what did you do while you were out?" she asked.
Grimmjow rolled his eyes like an immature preschool brat and dug his hands even deeper into his pockets. "Nothing," he groaned.
Grating on my nerves, grating on my nerves. Goddamn routines.
He started to turn back around, figuring she would leave their conversation at that. Surprisingly enough, she kept her grip on his elbow and suddenly asked, "Do you think you could drive Ulquiorra to school?"
Both pairs of eyes widened and looked skeptically at the blond woman.
"But... I just had it cleaned!" Grimmjow protested loudly.
"Who ever stated that I wished for a ride into school, anyways?" Ulquiorra snapped back, not taking too kindly to the insult. Again, he blamed it on just another side-effect to being human.
"Please?" Halibel pleaded. "It's necessarily his first day today, so he should get a ride. He won't ever have to do it again either, especially when he gets his own car!"
Ulquiorra looked even more skeptical. "Who ever stated I wished to have one of those metal contraptions?" Apparently his opinion no longer mattered amongst his fellow comrades, as he was completely ignored by both Halibel and Grimmjow.
When Grimmjow groaned, Halibel began to bargain. "I'll make fish tonight," she sang and Grimmjow's attention was caught. Ulquiorra rolled his eyes at such a weak nature. Oh, what have the mighty Espada become? Just normal citizens, indulging on simple compromises like food.
"Fine," Grimmjow mumbled, taking his keys out of his right pocket. No sooner had he walked in the door was he turning around to go back out to his car, caving under Halibel's green eyes. "Hurry up, you sunnuva bitch."
The insult was obviously not caught by Halibel, due to the fact that she turned her attention back to her son. Like there was no interruption at all, she began listing off school tips that she must have picked up from what one of her subjects under surveillance had told her own spawn of a young age. This became extremely evident when she listed off the reasons for sharing your toys during recess time.
Although Grimmjow had his specific reasons for not wanting Ulquiorra in his new car, the Fourth Espada also had his grounds for not wanting to ride in the passengers seat of the blue sports car. No, it was not due to some sort of metaphorical nonsense about sitting as passenger while Grimmjow took the lead, signifying some sort of pride. Of course not – the motives were much simpler and rational to anyone.
Take a moment, if you would, to imagine someone with no sense of compassion, logic or sense of self preservation getting their hands on a steering wheel. The person's reaction to having the ability to control where they go, when they go, how fast they go... It was a very disturbing thought.
This was the emotion Ulquiorra was feeling, at least, as he watched scenery go by at an alarming rate. Digging his nails into the leather armrest of his seat he watched the orange needle on the speedometer flicker lower and lower to the right, speed rising. The insane look on Grimmjow's face as they bolted down a dirt road made Ulquiorra sink back into his seat, turn his head to the driver and snarl.
"Would you slow down?" he growled, clenching his fingers more and more as the needle lowered as far as it could go. Grimmjow looked away from the road completely, and Ulquiorra decided he desperately missed sonido. At least that way he could control his own actions and know he was not going to fuck something up. He couldn't say as much from the reckless bastard to his left though.
"Are you kiddin'?!" Grimmjow roared over the grumbling of the engine. "Look at the needle-fucker! It isn't even up high!" A finger was jammed in the general direction of the smaller measurement generator that was only labeled with the letters E and F.
"I believe you're looking at the wrong measurements, trash." Ulquiorra pointed out, wondering if it would be safer to jump out of the car at such a speed rather than keep enduring it.
Grimmjow turned his attention back to the road, narrowly avoiding a mailbox on the side of the road. He shook his head. "Since when the fuck have you driven a car?" he asked. "Never. That's right. So shut yer mouth and hang on tight."
It wasn't such a good warning, considering he yelled it while he jammed a foot on the break and turned a corner. Dust flung up from all sides of the car as it was slightly lifted off the ground and almost rolled into a ditch. Ulquiorra sent a terrifying glare at the wide grin Grimmjow gave him after his head was slammed violently against the passenger window. Piece of trash probably did it on purpose too.
Unluckily for Ulquiorra, Grimmjow had repeated the process more than was necessary – by the time the had reached the inner workings of the city, the side of Ulquiorra's head was sporting a minor bump. He was about ready to jump at the other man's throat, content with plotting to murder him, but was slightly disappointed when Grimmjow pulled up to the school parking lot.
Ulquiorra gingerly opened the car door and stepped out onto the pavement. Seeing the ground no longer moving at tops speed was a good sign – perhaps he wasn't as disappointed as he originally thought. Looking back into the car, he snatched his backpack from the car floor and ignored the giant smirk Grimmjow was sending him. Obviously, there must have been something damn funny about his expression at the moment because Ulquiorra could see nothing else to be amused with. Without so much as a goodbye, he slammed the car door in the face of the devil and slung his backpack over his shoulder.
And suddenly, he was face-to-face with wide, overly-blue eyes. Blinking, Ulquiorra stepped back a few feet and pressed his back to the glossy exterior of Grimmjow's car, creating space between himself and the face that invaded his personal bubble. Inoue Mai crossed her arms behind her back girlishly, and bowed about a fourth of her height down, flashing a bright smile.
"Ah, good morning, Schiffer-san!" she giggled nervously. "I'm glad to see you're feeling better than when you were on Thursday. I was becoming a bit worried when you didn't show up the next day."
Suddenly, the car door reopened and he spotted Grimmjow leaning across the passenger seat, still bearing his teeth in a deformed sort of smile.
"Is this the thing The Great Ulquiorra Schiffer was afraid of seeing?" he asked and Ulquiorra glowered. In response, he slammed the door closed in Grimmjow's face, dissatisfied when he didn't get the opportunity to catch Grimmjow's fingers between the metal frames. He stepped away from the car and started his way towards the school entrance, completely ignoring the infuriatingly peppy girl. He didn't look back, even when he, gratefully, heard the shrieking of tire rubber on gravel.
Even though completely ignored, Inoue Mai stilled walked beside him looking at Ulquiorra expectantly. She leaned forward, looking directly at him, walking on an angle, staring at him way to intensely for comfort; for most people, at least. Ulquiorra, on the other hand, just looked ahead at the double doors. Eventually, she'd have to stop doing... that. There was a pole coming up.
Too bad she didn't see it, though. Ulquiorra could argue he heard a hollow 't-ing!' as her head collided with metal, but he didn't hesitate walking to find out. He had much better things to do than give sympathy to a human girl – like drown in homework. It was something he'd much rather do.
Szayel sighed and tossed his head back over the couch armrest in hopelessness. Why am I receiving so little attention? he whined internally. It's not like he hasn't been doing anything for the past five ch-- since they came to the human world. In fact, he'd diligently worked on his assignment rather efficiently. Human politics were so easily submitted to him, or rather the crowds were drawn in by his charisma, and he'd been doing well in polls. Except... except he still needed to draw in that little percent that was not already on his side. Apparently they were persuaded away from his side by the pink hair... figures.
Rolling off the couch in an uncharacteristic sloppiness (Ugh, these campaigns are totally throwing my sleeping cycle off!) he swiped the remote off the coffee table. He sat on the floor, flipping through local channels quickly. Cartoons... News... News... Talk Show... Movie... Politics... Soap Opera.
Ooh, Soap Opera.
Szayel settled on the channel and tossed the remote behind him, back onto the couch. He only was able to watch the overly-cliché scene of a woman screaming dramatically while she clutched onto the shirt of some unrealistically handsome man before something clicked.
Hey, wait. That was him on the politics station!
Szayel struggled with himself, regretting not making these bodies more flexible, to grab the remote again. He flicked back to the other station and turned up the volume just a little louder to hear him answering the end of a reporters question expertly. Again, Szayel liked to point out that politics were easy and reporters questions were child's play.
"... the health care system would therefore be immensely improved in that aspect." Szayel's television-self concluded, looking down from the podium at the audience. All different people were either doing one of three things – scribbling down his response on a notepad; waiting for the next question to be answered, or discussing with someone.
Just then, Szayel in real life got his attention caught on someone in the audience before the camera view flickered to a close-up of him.
"No, no, no! Go back!" Szayel yelled at the television, but calmed down after a second. "But wow... do I look amazing or what?"
The camera angle showed a side view of the audience again for a longer time and Szayel stood up and leaned close to the television to look for the man who caught his attention a moment ago. The man was easily spotted in the crowd by the oddity of his hair – a flaming red colour.
Szayel blinked. He leaned a bit closer to the point where we was nearly touching the screen. Suddenly, he jerked back and let out a yelp when he accidentally flipped himself over the back of the couch.
Oh my god... oh my god, ohmygod, omg! Szayel clutched his head with both hands as he felt a headache coming on from landing on his head. That was the least of his worries though, he realized as he stared at the scre--
Oh. The camera was back on him. Damn, his hair was styled impeccably! He'd have to bring a few bottles of the humans shampoo back to Hueco Mundo when, if, they went back.
Wait, there he was again! Abarai! Abarai was at his fucking conference! No two people could have that same hideous hair, regardless if one was dead!
Szayel plopped down on the couch and stared blankly at the screen again. This all made no sense – first that Inoue girl and now Abarai Renji? They were both gone. They were supposed to be dead! Honestly, Szayel had killed Abarai with his own two hands and Inoue was killed when -- wait, how did she die again? Szayel made a mental note to ask someone about it later, if he still remembered or cared when he saw someone who'd know.
But... they were back though. How did it work? This Abarai obviously didn't have the ridiculous, gay-signaling tattoos that he used to, but his dumbfounded and angry facial expression was all the same. Not only that, but the hair was still able to mortify him.
Ugh, seriously? Florescent red? What was he thinking when he decided to be born with that colour hair?
Szayel turned off the TV and decided it would probably be smart to talk to someone sensible about this problem.
Oh. Crap. Well, he was screwed.
Noitra groaned as he flipped the channels to find something suitable to watch, before landing on some movie about a rabid mutt. He settled himself back into the couch – where had they gotten this thing anyways? For leather, it was extremely comfortable – and absentmindedly pet their own dog, while laughing when the first thing he saw on the screen was a dog tear at someone's skin.
Noitra wondered if this would be considered working on his assignment. This was part of the culture of this area, he determined, and all he had been doing for the past few days was channel surfing. If this was working, Noitra would say he was doing a damn good job. Meanwhile, all the others were stuck doing their crappy assignments. Halibel was stalking some families, Ulquiorra was off being a smartass, Stark was actually off his lazy ass and about, Szayel left an hour prior (muttering something about 'blinding hair', whatever that meant), and Noitra could honestly say he didn't wanna know what Grimmjow was doing. He'd be damned if he was at another museum.
Whatever. He couldn't care less about what the other Espada (Ha! Noitra laughed in his head. Other four Espada plus a pathetic human!) were up to as long as they weren't bugging him.
It took another hour of watching the movie before the credits started rolling and Noitra lugged himself off the couch to get something to eat. Missing the attention, the dog persistently followed along side of him and whimpered for food. Noitra hit it with the fridge door lightly and the dog set its head in its paws.
"Come to think of it," Noitra said out loud. "You don't have a fuckin' name, do ya? ... Or official gender, but like hell I'm going there." The dog whimpered again and lolled out its tongue when Noitra pulled out some leftover chicken.
"Whatever. I'm callin' ya Cujo from now on, even though you didn't fit the dog from that movie at all. Maybe if I kicked ya while Ulquiorra wasn't around..." Noitra pulled back his leg in demonstration and the newly named dog, Cujo, rolled over on its back in submission. "Oh, fucking figures. You really are Ulquiorra's dog." Noitra scoffed as he got a drink. When he went to grab his food, it was gone.
The dog was gone too.
" Son of a bitch!" Noitra snarled, nearly smashing his glass when he set it down. He bolted up the stairs and followed the bits of food, intent on actually kicking the dog now. The only door open was Szayel's so Noitra did the only logical thing – he stormed in there with no thought about consequences.
The room was dark, as expected, but there was a disturbing feel to the atmosphere. When he flipped on the lights he knew why – the guy's room was now a full-fucking laboratory, not only a portion like it was a few days ago. Noitra vaguely wondered how he could have already bloodied the operating table in the corner (Note to self: Check body for any stitches.) but he was more concerned about where that damn dog went with his chicken.
"Ah, there you are," Noitra growled at Cujo, who gnawed on a bone in a far corner. He reached down to grab the dog by the scruff of its neck.
"What are you doing, Noitra?" Halibel and Szayel stood in the doorway, giving Noitra a skeptical look. Halibel handed over the grocery bags she was holding to Szayel and picked up the dog gently before her supposed husband could get his hands on it.
Noitra scoffed and leaned against the wall. "It stole my chicken." The look Halibel gave him made him feel like he was a child being scolded by his mother.
"Well, I told you to feed him--" the female Espada looked under the dog. "Yea, him. I told you to feed him before I left!" she accused, cuddling the dog to her chest. "And what do you mean, 'he stole my chicken'? I'm sure you could have lived without."
Noitra huffed and occupied himself with looking at the contraptions on Szayel's desk. "Whatever." Something caught his attention on the desk and he held up a pair of handcuffs connected by a long chain.
"Uhh..." Noitra gave Szayel an odd look. "I never woulda suspected you to be inta that kinda thing." The other handcuff hole dangled to the ground when Noitra tried to find a keyhole in the upper loop.
Szayel rolled his eyes and tried to snatch the handcuffs while he held three bags of food. "I'm not. I'm working on creating an element that can hold out longer than normal metal. I chose handcuffs because that way I can attach two objects that repel each other to see how long they can withstand pressure."
Although Halibel was busy showing Cujo with affection, Noitra looked genuinely interested in what Szayel has said. A maniacal grin broke out on his face.
"Hey, I've got two repellin' objects for you; if you wanna have some fun that is."
Halibel stopped her coddling of the puppy and gave Noitra the evil eye. "Noitra..." she warned. She could almost here the wheel turning in his head but was thrown off when he tossed a long arm around her shoulders. Not once did his smirk falter.
"Nah, dun worry about it. You'll like this plan..."
Ulquiorra was very tempted to rub his temples as the girl beside him still babbled on about how he was feeling. It had been hours – hours! - and she was still trying to get a response out of him. If he didn't have loads of self-restraint, Ulquiorra would have just stopped ignoring her and flat out told her to leave him alone; maybe if she kept it up throughout the week, because she obviously wasn't getting the message.
It was finally the end of the day and he would get to walk back home in peace. Peace for about a half and hour before he returned home to face screaming, threats, insults, and worst of all, coddling. He would also have to work around all of the to complete his homework in his backpack, which felt like cinder blocks were tied to his back. G-r-e-a-t.
For the slightest moment, Ulquiorra lost his composure and slumped forward. Figures, that as soon as it happens, Inoue Mai popped out of no where.
" Ah, Schiffer-san! Are you alright?" Ulquiorra mentally twitched. Was she stalking him or something?
His response was silence.
"Oh, you walk this way too?" she asked. "So do I! We can walk together, okay?"
Ulquiorra held his tongue with a lot of restraint. Screw off, screw off, screw off...
Taking a step onto the road, Inoue opened her mouth to say something but was promptly cut off by tires screeching. She jumped back onto the sidewalk as Grimmjow stuck his head out of the window of his car.
"Holy fuck!" he yelled angrily. "Watch were yer going!"
Inoue blinked. "But... the light is red!" she explained, pointing the the crosswalk which gave the okay to walk. Grimmjow responded by giving her the finger and Ulquiorra mentally thanked him because she looked like she was going to cry afterwards.
"Hey, fag!" Ulquiorra mentally un-thanked Grimmjow. "Halibel told me to pick you up, so hurry and get yer ass over here before I decide to run you over instead."
Inoue Mai's constant stalking... or Grimmjow's life-threatening driving... decisions, decisions.
Grimmjow won by a long shot, which is pathetic. Ulquiorra sighed as he leaned back in the leather seat as said reckless driver sped down a highway at incredible speeds.
Stark withheld a yawn as he leaned on the armrest of a simple, uncomfortable chair. The well-dressed man in front of him flipped through various sheets of paper at a slow speed, making start drowsy just watching.
"You have a very impressive resume, Mister..." The man frowned and shifted through some more pages, trying to find Stark's last name. Said man decided to save him the trouble.
"Just call me Stark," he offered. Mr. Suit-Employer flashed him an apologetic smile and set the papers down.
"There's just one thing I don't understand," the man scratched his balding head. "You're more than qualified for high-paying positions here, so why do you want to be mail room clerk?"
Stark tried to make himself more comfortable in the hard chair. "Uh... well, I've just moved here. I'm looking for something easy to start off. You know, just to adjust."
The man laughed in good nature and opened a desk drawer to grab even more papers, like he didn't have enough as it was. "Well, if you're looking for something a bit easier to start with, we just got a position available as a line manager that should be fairly basic for you, considering your skills. Perhaps you'd like to try that one out?"
Stark blinked. That was fairly unexpected, and Stark was sure that there wasn't anything he couldn't do that a human could. Still, the question popped out: "What happened to the last guy."
"He committed suicide."
Stark gave the man a curious look and raised his eyebrows. Right. Suicide. He'd keep that in mind for if he ended up hating the job. Still, other than that unfortunate accident, he didn't see a problem in taking up an offer for a different job. More experience would probably be better, henceforth get him off this stupid dimension faster. It was not surprising that even after having spent some time in the human world, they still hated it. And each other.
"Ah, sure. Why not?" Stark said, reaching forward to shake the man's hand. Instead, the employer eagerly shoved the papers in his hands.
"It's a pleasure to have you join the team, Mr. Stark."
Halibel thought Ulquiorra was going to break his pencil. Szayel thought Grimmjow was going to be strangled soon. And Noitra... well, Noitra thought this was going to be fun.
"Hey, you remember when I trapped ya in Caja Negacion? You were pissed for days after, but ya never got me back!"
This, for instance, is one of the comments Grimmjow made to attempt to irritate Ulquiorra. Normally, as this was a daily and after dinner occurrence, Ulquiorra could brush it off. But apparently, Grimmjow's snide comments combined with algebra homework was not a rather good mix and everyone could see Ulquiorra's face tighten with anger.
Remember the supposed BEDMAS. Brackets, exponents, division, multipli--
"What the fuck? This retard on the television with a letter for a name looks like emo kid!" Grimmjow yelled, laughing at the same time. Noitra leaned closer to make the resemblance, and saw no reason to argue the point. Noitra laughed and Halibel started setting down cups of soda in front of everyone. Szayel, not paying attention to anything really, started muttering scientific nonsense under his breath that sounded suspiciously like statistics. Stark, the narcoleptic he was, was sprawled over the couch armrest and was snoring lightly.
Grimmjow snarled insults obnoxiously, Halibel kept setting things down with quiet 't-ings!', Noitra continued to laugh, Stark's snoring grew louder, and Szayel began to shift in his seat causing the springs to groan.
It only took one comment for Ulquiorra to strike.
Then the length is divided by the width to cancel out each side of the equation, making the height isolated after I divide each answer by the sum of seven divided by two--
"You know what? I bet that L guy is gay. Ironic, isn't it, Ulquio--"
It was safe to say that Ulquiorra's pencil snapped, Grimmjow was being strangled, and it was fun... to watch. It was also safe to say that Grimmjow did not expect Ulquiorra to jump over the coffee table and completely tackle him.
Halibel let out a panicky noise when both of them toppled over the couch and rolled around on the ground fighting. "Noitra, Noitra! Do something!" she hissed.
Surprisingly, Noitra complied. While Ulquiorra was trying to pry Grimmjow's hands off his neck, and Grimmjow was attempting to get Ulquiorra to stop kicking him in the stomach, Noitra took the element of surprise as his advantage. He loomed over the two and quickly put his plan of annoyance into action.
Both Grimmjow and Ulquiorra immediately stopped what they were doing to stare at the chain attached to their wrists. When they saw that the chain connected to each other, they jumped away to opposite sides of the room.
Or at least they tried. Grimmjow's arm was pulled by the chain and Ulquiorra face planted on the ground, apparently not being able to hold that much pressure on his arm.
"What the fuck is this?!" Grimmjow snarled at Noitra who was laughing maniacally at Ulquiorra.
Halibel answered, "...It-It's not really what I expected." Ulquiorra pulled himself up from the hardwood but looked more than relieved to hear the only semi-sensible one (other than himself, of course) was going to stop this before it even started. "But it is rather ingenious."
Ulquiorra felt like smacking himself for ever thinking something would go in his favour in this inferior world.
"Yes." Szayel agreed, holding in a chuckle at Grimmjow's enraged expression. "Hopefully you two will learn to get along."
Stark, who had seemed to taken a bit of the fight as well from when the couch he was sitting on flipped over, winced as he rubbed the back of his head. "Or at least learning to tolerate each other would be better for everyone."
"I could tolerate him--" Ulquiorra started.
"Yea, never mind that you completely tried to kill me there." Grimmjow snapped back.
"I wouldn't have to try to kill you if you'd stop being the nonconforming piece of trash you--"
"See?!" Halibel screeched. "This is exactly what we're talking about!" She glared all around the room at not only Grimmjow and Ulquiorra, but everyone. "You all need to take a lesson on cooperation. I've seen five year olds get along better than all of you! I swear I will find a way to make you all see the idiocy in this pure... idiocy!"
No one dared call her on the oddity of the last sentence.
"Furthermore, you all can't keep acting like this, especially since I'm not going to be around next week." she said sternly. Noitra quirked and eyebrow, telling her to elaborate. "The humans I'm watching are going on an escapade of some sort. I need to see exactly what's going on and it's going to last a week – meaning you all are going to be on your own.
"If I come back and the house is completely destroyed, disfigured or-" she gave a meaningful look to Grimmjow "-kicked in by any way, I will make sure none of you will get back to Hueco Mundo unscathed."
Although Halibel had completely lost her vicious mannerisms nearly as soon as their mission began a month ago, all of them felt the threat in her tone.
"So you're going to miss some of this?" Noitra exclaimed, gesturing to the handcuffed duo who seethed.
"Exactly how long are we going to be--" Needless to say, Ulquiorra was sick of being interrupted.
"I'm afraid so. I dearly hope none of you die while I leave you to fend for yourself next week."
Everyone could hear the diabolical wheels in Noitra's sadist-masochist mind spin. Halibel gone for a week; house to themselves; easy victims; him second in charge (Ulquiorra was down for the count. A human would not tell the Espada what to do.); oh yea. Everyone was in for a helluva week once Halibel left.
Grimmjow decided to personally stop the plotting before it grew. He close-lined the tall man with the chain; unfortunately for Ulquiorra he was dragged along as well. "You stupid sunnuva bitch, don't you dare start getting any retarded ideas. I'm already fuckin' pissed I'm attached to a whinny emo bitch 'cause of you all – which I will kill you all for as soon as I get outta it – but I am not gunna let someone who looks like a deformed elf put my life in danger over a twisted mission precious 'Aizen-sama' gave us!"
Noitra scowled and rubbed his throat. "You better watch yourself, Sexta Espada. You never know when a cinder block could be coincidentally about to fall on your retarded head."
"No!" Halibel yelled, scolding Noitra and Grimmjow. "No, no, no! There will be no pranks," Like hell. "injuries," Like hell. "or any deaths!" ...Oh, come on. Get real. "You will all be fine and dandy when I come back. This is not just some excuse to see if Espada can murder each other in a week. I will give you all things to do to keep everything in order. Everyone will go about their mission normally."
"Halibel, how do we--"
"Yes, yes, Ulquiorra. I suppose you can't do the mission until you and Grimmjow learn to work together enough to find a way for the handcuffs to come off."
"I've got an idea," Grimmjow offered.
"This should be g--" Grimmjow pointedly glared at Ulquiorra and tugged harshly on the chain to get him to shut up.
He continued. "Why don't I get in my car while Ulquiorra is tied to a tree and I'll start to drive away. The chain should snap."
"I don't see why I--"
Szayel sighed. "Grimmjow, there are a few flaws with that plan. One, the chain I created has a base of the humans most indestructible compounds. Two, the tree would probably take more of a hit than the chain. And three, Ulquiorra's only human and would take more of a hit than the tree or the chain and probably die."
Grimmjow stared at the pink-haired scientist like he was a moron. "Okay... that just gave me more of a reason to do it." He grinned evilly down at Ulquiorra. "That, or we could just cut off your hand."
Ulquiorra opened his mouth to say something when it looked like no one was about to interrupt him. "Why are you insisting that--"
"I think you two are just gunna have to deal with it." Stark yawned. "And fast, because if we all have to stick around and wait for you two to finish your missions after we're done, I'll personally take care of it myself."
Ulquiorra glowed at everyone in the room. Fine, if they wanted to interrupt him, they could go on ahead. He just needed to say one thing,
"Yes, but what about living accommodation such as--"
Noitra smirked at Ulquiorra and purposely stopped him with the most off-topic thing he could think of. "Wait a minute. I forgot to tell you all that I officially named the dog since Ulquiorra seems like too much of a bitch to do it himself. He's now Cujo."
The dog yelped from his place near the window in agreement.
"You named the dog I--"
"Ahh! I just realized you both knocked over the drinks with your fighting!" Halibel exclaimed. "I have to clean it up before it soaks into anything."
Sadly, Halibel was confused as to why Ulquiorra gave them all the most evil look she had ever seen and left the room.
Or tried to, before Grimmjow pulled on the chain and made him fall flat on his face again.
A/N: Oemgee! I ish finally done this chapter after... nearly two months. -is shot-
Uhm... yea. I'd like to thank all those who reviewed and give Kai and extra big 'Happy birthday!', since my other gift was a total bust. -is shot again-
I will leave you all with the final note of this will still remain a not a romance story. No UlquiHime. No GrimmUlqui (much to my dismay). I'd put those characters down under the character listing if it were.