Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto nor anything pertaining to the Naruto universe.
This Story is a comedy which means don't take it seriously!!!!! This story is rated M for a reason. There will be mentions of malexmale sexual situations.
"Kiba, this is the dumbest idea I ever heard of," Uzumaki Naruto whined as he looked over the crumpled sheet of notebook paper.
"I'm telling ya', man, it works!" the brunette in question exclaimed earnestly. "You wouldn't believe how Hinata was after I did this. The girl was all over me. She might be quiet in public but she is a wildcat in bed!" He gave his friend a knowing look. "It's always the quiet ones, ya' know."
"Sakura isn't quiet," Naruto pointed out.
"Exactly, so this should work even better on her! Look, girls are taught to be hard to get. But I guarantee you that they are just as horny as us guys. If you can't get them interested in you in that way, they'll drop you in a heartbeat." He flopped down on the old battered sofa in his blonde-haired friend's even older and more battered apartment, draping his leg over the arm. "You tell her what you're capable of and she'll be on your doorstep panting for it."
"Kiba! How in the hell am I supposed to read this stuff with a straight face?" Naruto demanded, waving the paper in the air as if its mere presence deeply offended him.
"You're the drama major! Shit, just think of it as learning your lines and acting the part. Damn, you're such a girl sometimes, Uzumaki." He stood, ran a hand through his rumpled hair and headed for the kitchen. "You got some beer or anything, I'm dying of thirst."
"Didn't you get enough to drink at the football game?" Naruto asked in amusement. His friend still had the red face paint that he had put on to show his team spirit.
"Am I still sober?" his friend countered while sticking his head in the cool wafting breeze from the fridge.
Naruto waved the paper in his hand, causing it to crinkle noisily. "I'm not sure," he said pointedly.
He swore he heard a muttered "Pussy," from the depths of his kitchen.
"How in the hell do you even start a conversation like this?" Naruto asked, curious in spite of his reluctance.
He was desperate to impress the girl that he had been crushing on since his freshman year in high school. While she tolerated his presence, she had never moved past the friends stage with him no matter how much he asked her out. She would smile, pat his head, tell him how good of a friend he was and, more recently, tell him how much she loved her Sasuke-kun.
Naruto's face darkened as he thought about his rival for her affections. He had just started making some headway with her when they had entered their first year of college. She had been so pleased to see him since they were in a new school and she didn't have many of her old friends around any more. Of course he wasn't going to tell her that he had applied at this school because he had found out she had been accepted. He hadn't really been interested in drama at first, but he found he had a talent for it and it was something he began to enjoy.
Then he showed up. Uchiha Sasuke. The fucking jerk. The fucking perfect-in-everything-he-does jerk. Mr. 4.0. Mr. I-have-a-rich-daddy-that-buys-me-everything-I-want. Mr. I'm-too-stuck-up-to-be-friends-with-you-or-anyone-else-in-the-universe. Mr. So-drop-dead-gorgeous-that-I-even-make-guys-want-me.
"You sure you're wanting to call the right person?" Kiba said suddenly from beside his blonde friend before he took a long swig from the bottle he had pilfered.
Naruto jumped slightly. "What?"
"Nothing, thought I heard you mumbling," he replied with a hastily concealed smirk. "Just call her up and don't let her say anything. Don't even let her say 'hello' just start talking. Pour your heart out to her. Girls love that shit. Just don't get too sappy or she'll think you're emotional baggage. Most of all, leave the ball in her court. That way if she doesn't follow through, you can drop it and get on with your life."
"Yeah, if it even works," he said morosely. "If she doesn't kill me for being some kind of pervert."
"Just don't call her by name, you'll just make yourself nervous. And don't mention any specific body parts or she really will think you're a perv. Remember, drama major, pretend it's just a part."
"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Do you think it's too late to call?" He would admit, only to himself, that he was looking for a reason to delay.
Kiba sighed. "No, it isn't too late. As long as it isn't an AM time, it isn't too late."
"It's getting close," Naruto pointed out indecisively.
Kiba threw his hands in the air. "Whatever, wimp. But just so you know, I overheard her talking to one of her girlfriends that she has started talking with you-know-who." Kiba waited for the explosion with anticipation.
"That fucking bastard! There is no way that I'm gonna let him go out with Sakura!" the twenty year old yelled angrily.
"Call her," Kiba said simply before the blonde could go into a diatribe of all of Uchiha's faults. He picked up the phone and simply held it in his hand, waiting for his friend to grow a set of balls.
Even riled up over the idea of that bastard going out with Sakura, almost twenty minutes later Naruto was still working up the nerve to call the girl of his dreams. He looked the paper over many times, blushing as he read some of what Kiba had written down. He didn't know if he could really say things like that to Sakura. While Kiba had suggested to pretend it was just a part to play, he couldn't bring himself to act while he confessed his feelings and desires to someone he cared about.
What if she told him that she would never like him in that way? What if she told him that he was a freak and a pervert and didn't even want to be friends any longer? What if she hated him after this?
Once Kiba figured his friend was ready, he quickly dialed the number and handed it to his friend. "Remember if this works out, you owe me one."
"Later." After tossing a wave over his shoulder, Kiba let himself out the door. On the small four foot by four foot cement pad that acted as a doorstep the young man stopped and shook his head. "I hope you wake up one of these days," he muttered before stepping out into the night.
Naruto took a deep breath and held the phone up to his ear. It rang three times and he was starting to have the hope that she was already asleep. His heart almost seized when it was picked up.
"Don't say anything," he said almost desperately. "Just listen to me for a few minutes." He took a deep breath as the silence continued on the other side. 'I can do this,' he assured himself.
"I…I just wanted to tell you how I feel about you. How much I really care for you. I know I don't always show it and I can act like an idiot at times, but… I think about you a lot.
"I think about how it would be to kiss you, to taste your lips with mine. I think about how it would feel to run my hands through your hair. I think about how much your scent drives me wild and makes me want you."
By now he had dropped the paper beside him on the couch and was speaking from his heart.
"I just want to hold you in my arms and lick the sweat off of your skin." 'Gah, girls don't like sweat, moron!'
"I want to kiss down your" 'Don't say breast, no body parts!' "chest to your nipples." 'You said NIPPLES! She'll think you're a perv!' "So I can lick and tease them until you moan."
There was still silence on the other end and she hadn't hung up yet, so maybe the slip was okay. He swallowed hard and continued.
"Then I want to lick and kiss my way down your taut stomach, tickling your belly button with my tongue."
His mind was starting to picture pale skin, toned abs tensed in anticipation.
"Then I'm going to taste you. I'm going to run my tongue all over you and suckle on you until you are moaning my name; until you are whimpering in pleasure. I'll slide my fingers into you until I find that one spot that makes you cry out while you writhe. The spot that will have you cumming for me even before I enter you."
He knew it would be tight and hot and everything he had dreamed about.
He heard her take a soft, unsteady breath on the other end of the line.
"And I do want to be inside of you so badly. You have no idea how many times I have dreamed about it."
Bodies writhing against each other. Strong hands gripping his shoulders. Muscular legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't want to think about that dream. Not right now when he was talking to her, but it wouldn't leave his mind.
"I want to give you so much pleasure," he murmured softly.
"But more than all of that, I just want to be there by your side when you fall asleep. I want to be there when you wake up. So that neither one of us would ever be alone again."
He could picture the dark eyes and couldn't help but wonder what they would look like if they were lit with laughter.
He cleared his throat and tried to hold the image of pink hair and emerald green eyes firmly in his mind.
"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you what I was feeling and to let you know that if you wanted a relationship like that… that I'm here."
He held his breath, unsure if he should hang up now or wait for her to respond.
A husky, velvety voice came over the line. "Dobe…"
Naruto's breath froze in his throat as something akin to terror gripped his heart.
'I'm going to fucking kill Kiba.'
'If I live…'