Logan's Evil Twin Clone
Even though the cult was destroyed and Ames White and his 'little snake' had moved on to Santa Monica Boulevard where they tolerated that sort of thing, Max and Alec still had a broken world full of problems to deal with. All of Terminal City looked to them for leadership, the regular population hated and feared them, the government was trying to exterminate them like little cockroaches, and they had just run out of Kleenex from all the sobbing they did over their rough childhood. They had been dealing with their stress and angst by having a few rounds of plaster-cracking, frenzied, heat-induced transgenic sex up against the kitchen wall. The pair had just finished up and were desperately searching for a large bottle of Gatorade, when they heard a knocking at the door.
When Max opened it, she came face to face with cerulean-emerald eyes that she never thought she would see again.
"Logan!" Max exclaimed, throwing herself into his arms. "I thought you were dead. I saw you die. You were shot and fell down a ravine and bashed your head open and got ripped form limb to limb by wild mountain lions and stung by killer bees and eaten by a rabid orca and infected with SARS virus…right before you suffered a pulmonary embolism and closed your aquamarine eyes forever."
"No, Max," he assured her, "that wasn't me. It was just my evil twin clone."
"You have an evil twin clone?" she asked, puzzled.
"Well sure, doesn't everybody?"
Max and Alec thought about that for a second and nodded. Logan had a good point there.
"Was your evil twin clone crazy?" Alec asked. "'Cause mine was crazy."
"Mine was just really, really bitchy," Max piped in. "Actually, she was just like me…except that she wore earth tones and I wear black, which naturally made us two very different people."
"My evil twin clone was nothing like me, and I hate it when people confuse us, because that other guy was a dick," Logan explained. "My evil twin clone was jealous and controlling and insecure and a real pain in the ass to be around. He was really vain and always looking in the mirror. And he lied to you all the time, Max. He was always stalking you and manipulating you and waiting outside your apartment to catch you and battering and abusing you; he even raped you once or twice, although I never figured out how since you could totally kick his ass into his face if you wanted to. He also squealed and giggled and hid under the bed in terror and couldn't throw a ball and picked his nose and ran like a girl."
"Oh, that guy!" Alec said. "Yeah, I know him. He's in most of the stories that I read."
"You read the stories about Logan's evil twin clone?" Max asked him.
"Mostly, yeah, that and some slash, because…well, you know…"
"Yeah," Logan nodded in understanding, "you know, on weekends…"
"Exactly. Weekends." Alec agreed, and both men shrugged and nodded, glad that they had managed to come to terms with their heterosexuality despite the fact that they were both really gorgeous guys who could only be improved by taking their clothes off.
"So what do we do now?" Max wanted to know.
"Well, there's still a lot of evil to fight, and snakes to round up," Logan explained. "We should probably get to them before FOX gives them their own spin off series, because you know the kinds of crappy programming decisions those people can make. And maybe we can find Alec a girl of his own…so he can stop stealing mine."
"You're right," Max agreed. "I really love you, Logan, but let's face it: Alec is pretty damn hot, and it's a terrible waste not to have him having sex with somebody. Trust me, Logan, I've seen him in a towel."
"I really am remarkably good looking," Alec agreed.
"I know!" Max said as a brilliantly original idea came to her. "I can set you up with my long lost transgenic sister, Mary Sue. Then everyone can be happy."
"Works for me," Alec said, "just so long as I can still have frenzied, heat-induced transgenic sex with somebody."
So Alec hooked up with Mary Sue, a goth vampire Hogwarts student who was tragically flawed yet somehow perfect in every way, and they fell madly in love and had frenzied, heat-induced transgenic sex forever and ever after…except, you know…on weekends.
A/N: I do not own Dark Angel, and I'm sure there are some who are currently wishing I wouldn't write about it anymore either. Special thanks to Griever who took over the Logan bashing research for me so I wouldn't have to read any more of it myself. (You took a bullet for me there, sister!) Reviews are appreciated and flames are anticipated. I promise I've got it all out of my system now.