"Dirty Old Man"

Chapter 1: Strings and Stitches

Disclaimer: For the last Jashin damned time, I don't own Naruto, Pledge, Pine Sol or anything else!

WARNING: GRAPHIC YAOI SEX! Don't bash my pairings, bitches! This is supposed to be more for laughs than for hotness, but to be safe, everyone who reads gets a complimentary drool bucket! If you are that creeped out by my beloved Kakuzu and anything other than a priest in his lap, LEAVE NOW! You have been warned.


Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose. Hidan had been bitching about the cable for an hour straight, and Kakuzu's patience had long ago worn out. Finally, the old man snapped, and promptly broke Hidan's neck and ripped his head off of his body.

"Ow, you fucking heathen bastard, I'll kill you!"

"Hidan, you're stressing me out. And when I'm stressed, I get angry. And when I get angry, my blood pressure goes up, and when my blood pressure goes up…."

"Yeah, I fucking get it already! You'll have a heart attack!"

"Glad we understand each other. Now get the hell out, I'd like to get my paperwork done in peace."

"Hey hey hey, what the fu—"

Kakuzu kicked Hidan's head out of the room, rolled his body out, and slammed the door shut. Kakuzu put on his headphones, turned up the volume, and hummed to "Money" by Pink Floyd as he punched numbers into his calculator.

When he hit the 'clear' button on his most beloved number machine, it blew up, and plastic flew in all directions. Kakuzu blinked in shock for a moment, and then started to convulse, gripping the left side of his chest and falling out of his chair.

Yes, kunoichi and gentlemen, Kakuzu was suffering a fatal heart attack.

(Author's assistant Ren Ren holds up sign saying "Heart Attack #1)

Kakuzu managed to grab his heart medication from his cloak pocket, and popped a pill into his mouth. He gradually stopped shaking and feeling came back into the left side of his body.

"God damn it, Deidara!!!" Kakuzu shrieked and ran out of the room, stumbling over Hidan's body and sort of falling into the Artists' room.

"DEIDARA?!!!" Kakuzu bellowed, eyes sweeping about the room that the puppet and the bomber shared. The old man searched the room for any sign of the little blond that had dared to turn his beloved calculator into a bomb, but couldn't find him. He heard a noise, and was about to check the closet, but he paused, feeling dizzy all of a sudden.

Kakuzu dropped heavily onto Deidara's bed and put his hands on his knees, head bowed, trying to steady his breathing. He closed his eyes. Sweat beaded on his forehead. Was he having some sort of reaction to his medication?

He could hear spraying coming from the closet. Sasori was definitely in there, applying his favorite furniture polish to his body…

Kakuzu started to get hard just thinking about it, and that fact made his four remaining hearts beat sporadically. What the hell was in those pills? Had someone tampered with his medication again?

"Hey, what are you doing in here?" a drawling voice said. Kakuzu looked up to see Sasori standing there, closing the closet door with a soft click. The old man was afraid to get up, afraid he might fall over. The bulge in Kakuzu's pants seemed to grow as he raked his strange green eyes over Sasori's bare chest, slick and shiny from the Pledge.

He thought idly of how smooth and slippery the puppet's skin must feel, and smacked himself in the head.

'What is wrong with me?'

Sasori arched a single brow at this strange behavior, not realizing how incredibly sexy that looked. Kakuzu had to close his eyes to keep from cuming in his pants. God damn, he was on some serious shit.

"Are you, uh, feeling alright?" Sasori asked.

"No. No, I really am not. Where's that bitch of yours at? I'd like to kill him."

"For tainting your pills?"

Kakuzu snapped his head up, glaring at Sasori.

"What? How did you…"

Sasori smiled softly, looking at his nails with a bored expression on his face.

"A little bird told me," Sasori said, his smile turning into a grin. Kakuzu temporarily forgot about his raging hard on and hopped to his feet. He marched over to Sasori and gripped him by the hair, snarling into his face.

"Who the fuck messed with my drugs?! Was it you, huh? 'Cause if it was…"

"So how do you feel?" Sasori asked slyly, staring up at Kakuzu without the slightest concern over his life. Kakuzu slid his free hand down to the cylinder containing Sasori's heart and grinned.

"I want to fuck you and kill you at the same time."

Sasori blinked, his smile sliding off of his face.


"Was it some kind of hormone? Was it fucking Viagra? What is this shit?!"

The puppet tried to pull away, but Kakuzu's threads started snaking out from the seams of his arms, binding Sasori.

"You…you should be feeling euphoria! A case of the giggles! Dizzy spells, not…not…"

Kakuzu cut Sasori off by smothering his mouth with his own, taking advantage of the puppet's open lips to slide his tongue inside.

Sasori choked and spluttered, jerking his head away from Kakuzu's pervasive mouth. Kakuzu pulled away, panting. Sasori stared dumbly, eyes wide with shock.

"Let me go now, and I'll find you an antidote, alright?" Sasori said breathlessly.

Kakuzu shook his head.

"I thought you'd taste like poison, but…it's actually rather nice," Kakuzu said with a gravely chuckle, and leaned in to kiss Sasori again. Sasori kept his mouth tightly shut this time, but Kakuzu had decades of practice getting what he wanted, and slid his fingers down Sasori's bare chest, a few spare threads trailing along, tickling the puppet's surprisingly sensitive skin.

Sasori gasped when the threads twisted around his nipples, teasing them until they were erect.

Kakuzu forced his tongue into Sasori's mouth again. His fingers slipped down into Sasori's pants and squeezed his half hard cock. The puppet jerked, startled and stared into Kakuzu's dilated eyes. The puppet wondered if he had added too much Pine Sol to the drugs…

"Oh!" Sasori moaned when Kakuzu started to pump his hand up and down the red head's cock, now trailing kisses down Sasori's neck…


"Hey, Sasori no Danna, un!" Deidara said, walking into the bedroom with a clay puppy in his hands and a big grin on his face.

"What do you think of my newest creation, un? Tobi's puppy Akamaru posed for it, and…"

The missing Rock nin froze when he saw what was going on, and in his bed too! Sasori was face down on the bed, blankets gripped tight in his fists, gritting his teeth. Kakuzu was on top of him, pounding relentlessly into the puppet.

"Danna is mine, you rapist, un!" Deidara howled, throwing the clay puppy at the stoned miser.

Kakuzu came into Sasori just as he got a face full of clay and ash, and toppled off the bed.

Sasori lay there, his ass up in the air, and looked to Deidara with a dazed smile.

"Too much Pine Sol…" Sasori mumbled.

"Un? Who knew Pine Sol made you horny?"


A/N: Ha ha ha…rapist! Uh, sorry. Next chapter!

When Tobi comes in to ask his senpai what's wrong, Kakuzu's sexual urges take over once again…

XD Kaku/Tobi? Kill me now! MWA HA HA HA!