"Dirty Old Man"

Chapter 6: Half and Half

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.

A/N: Took me long enough, didn't it? Not porny enough, or that funny, really. It's just not with me this time. DX Sorry. Not completely beta'd. If there are any major mistakes, let me know!


"Is that who I think it is?"

"Kakuzu? In our yard?"

"It's apparently more likely than we thought."

Kakuzu could not believe his ears. Zetsu...if there was one person in Akatsuki he did not want to have forced intercourse with, it was the overgrown plant man with split personality. Kakuzu got to his feet and peeked around the tree he'd fallen asleep under. Zetsu was standing in the midst of the organization's feeble garden, whispering sweet nothings to the withered tomato plant.

"I'll fetch you some nice plant food, perk you right up..."

"Idiot, we're on a tight budget. That old miser with undies on his head won't let us spend any more money on gardening supplies."

"Then let's kill him, and use his rotten flesh as fertilizer."

"Good plan, only without him, the organization would surely go bankrupt."

While listening to the plant discuss Kakuzu's own usefulness to Akatsuki, said missing Falls nin was looking for an exit. He feared Zetsu might be upset about what he'd done to Tobi earlier, and wanted to make a quiet escape. Zetsu possessed legendary tracking skills, so Kakuzu had to be sure that he fled unseen and unheard. Kakuzu slunk quietly over to the fence, planning on jumping it in the neighbor's yard, but he heard splashing and laughter. The Jones family was in their pool. Not a good idea to barge in...the only other option left, was to hide and wait for Zetsu to leave.

Kakuzu wondered if maybe he could just stay here, hidden behind the oak tree, until his strange side effects went away. He really didn't want to attack anyone else. When this was all over, he wondered if he should just leave the Akatsuki and return to his life as a solo bounty hunter. The fact that he'd raped most of his coworkers was rather embarrassing. A raspy snicker alerted Kakuzu that Zetsu was still nearby, and he chanced a glimpse around the wide trunk of the tree to spy on the plant man.

"Some-one-wants-to-die," Zetsu hissed in a sing-song voice, glaring directly at the tree, and Kakuzu froze. Shit, he'd been discovered. And then Zetsu was gone, melted into the Earth. The missing Falls nin looked down at the ground, not sure where Zetsu would pop up again, and then there was that raspy laughter again, this time very close to his ear. Kakuzu whirled to see Zetsu's face protruding from the thick tree trunk, the same color as its bark.

"Fancy seeing you here," Zetsu said conversationally. There was a bee crawling on Zetsu's face. He stuck out his tongue, and slurped the bee up into his mouth. There was a creepy buzzing sound emitting from Zetsu's throat as the bug went down. Kakuzu swallowed. Sick as it was, the hollow vibration was turning him on.

When was this going to ever end?

"I was just leaving," Kakuzu responded, slinking away, but vines grabbed hold of his ankle and dragged Kakuzu to the ground.

"You will stay with us, and explain why we can't have plant food to feed the tomatoes. They are starving."

"I'll give you all the plant food you want! Just let me go!" Kakuzu insisted, prying at the vines. Zetsu stepped out of the tree and resumed his natural form, then pulled Kakuzu up so that they were face to face, noses almost touching. Bad idea, being so close. Kakuzu couldn't help but study Zetsu's features: the wide, golden eyes, the thin brows, the short mop of green hair, the jagged teeth protruding from his black and white lips. They were freakish, but not unpleasant. And the black and white halves...he yearned to see if that bizarre half and half pattern continued down lower...And there was a faint fragrant smell on Zetsu's checkerboard skin. Roses...

Kakuzu swallowed again, his pants feeling tight and uncomfortable all of a sudden. That familiar surge of pleasure and power raced through his body, and he knew that Zetsu...was about to meet the same doom as Tobi. With a sudden burst of strength, Kakuzu turned the tables, pushing Zetsu onto the grass, pinning him to the ground with his own body. Zetsu snapped his flytrap shut.

"Get off me, rapist," Zetsu warned in a muffled voice.

"Too late."

Kakuzu dug his fingers into the small gap between the fly trap teeth and forced the two giant leaves apart, exposing Zetsu's upper half to him. The missing Grass nin continued to struggle, so Kakuzu unleashed some of his tendrils to tie the teeth of the flytrap down, as well as bind Zetsu's limbs. Kakuzu propped himself up with one arm and used his other to languidly run his fingers down Zetsu's smooth chest. Kakuzu delighted at pinching a small black nipple. He switched arms, and pinched the white one as well. Zetsu made no noise, gold eyes burning into the older nin's face. Kakuzu nuzzled Zetsu's chest, breathing in the floral scent again, and then the last traces of his logical mind were gone.

The missing Falls nin wormed his fingers under Zetsu's sash, jerked it loose, and pulled Zetsu's pants down his hips. The thick green leaves of the flytrap ended at his hip bones. Kakuzu tugged the pants lower, exposing a very human, very sizeable cock; to Kakuzu's horror and delight, it was half and half as well. The black coloring on his leg, however, faded into white at mid-thigh. No matter. Kakuzu ripped the pants from Zetsu's body completely, and quickly fetched his own dick out of his pants. The gold gleam of Zetsu's hate filled eyes softened, and he turned his head to the side, shaking. Whimpering.

Kakuzu stopped, despite how randy he was.

"D-don't look, just l-look away!"

"Daddy loves you..."

For a moment, Kakuzu thought Zetsu was just talking to himself, but then he followed Zetsu's line of sight, and saw a Chia Pet, a Chia Hippo in fact, off in the grass a few feet away. Tiny green things wriggled all over its surface. One green thing snapped at a fly buzzing dangerously close to its living skin. Daddy...

Then, Zetsu turned to face Kakuzu again, gold eyes shimmering with tears. The vulnerable look just made the old nin wanting to be inside Zetsu's tight heat even more.

"Not in front of the children!"

"Please, not in front of them!"

Kakuzu growled at Zetsu's whining, and shot off his right arm, grabbing the Chia Pet up and throwing it through one of the upper windows of the house.

"There. Now shut up," Kakuzu growled, pressing the head of his cock against Zetsu. He pushed inside right when Zetsu decided to tell him vital information.

"My fluids are poisonous," Zetsu hissed. Kakuzu froze. Poisonous? He started to pull out, and panicked when he felt a burning sensation on his sensitive 'shroom. Zetsu spit on Kakuzu's face, and it felt like acid on his skin. Kakuzu hurriedly got off of Zetsu and looked down at his precious cock. It was far too red, and it burned. Kakuzu felt another heart attack coming on, but he fought it, darting around the backyard, wondering what to do. Zetsu snarled some sort of threat that sounded suspiciously like "...rot your dick off" and wrenchined himself free of the unnatended tendrils. He melted into the ground.

Kakuzu, distracted, wondered briefly where Zetsu had gone, since he hadn't really gotten to enjoy him. He needed to wash the poison off...water...the hose! The missing Falls nin rushed over to the side of the house, and turned the hose on. At first, the shock of the cold water made it hurt worse, and Kakuzu yelped, but once he got used to the chill, it eased the burning sensation. He doused his face with the water, and took a drink of it, surprised that his heart palpatations slowed. No heart attack this time.

"OY! FUCK FACE!" a high pitched, whiny voice yelled. Kakuzu was just returning his cock to his pants when Hidan stuck his head out of the side door. In his hand, wrapped in a paper towel, was the Chia Hippo.

"You're in deep shit, you know."

"For what?"

Hidan glared in silence for a moment, sliding his eyes up and down Kakuzu's body. The action made Kakuzu groan inwardly. Idiot. Didn't he realize by now that Kakuzu had a bad case of compulsive rape?

"Several things, actually," the oblivious Hidan finally answered. "But at the moment, this." Hidan held up the Chia Hippo. There were bits of glass stuck in it. Some of the miniature flytrap babies weren't moving anymore. Kakuzu paid the nightmarish spermy Chia Pet Zetsu babies no mind, however. His eyes were only for Hidan right now.

"Hidan?" Kakuzu suddenly asked, voice a bit higher than normal. Hidan arched a silver eyebrow.

"The fuck you want?"

"To fuck."

Hidan didn't even have time to emit a single swear word before the miser-turned-rapist sprung.