Disclaimer: JAG is (or was...) owned by some other people, like Bellisario who unlike certain other people -coughs- Stargate -coughs- gave us a better ending...still kinda sucky (stupid coin toss!)

Spoilers: Anything through Seasons 2-10.

Rating: M - this one section is in italics, so if you don't want to read it, you can just skip over it if that is your wish.

This is my first attempt at a JAG fanfic, and whilst I love JAG (especially the Harm/Mac pairing), I missed a lot because of the way Prime (the station it aired on) treated it, they would air a few episodes, then switch nights and times...then take it off for two months, then put it back for a few weeks...repeat for 5 years! In fact, in Australia the final episode aired in about August of last year, two years after it aired in the US! All I can say is I am very thankful to Anikas on youtube for uploading so many episodes, especially ones with lots of Harm/Mac shippy goodness, they got me up to speed and into a good shippy mood, hence the following.

However, because of this, I'm not sure what events happen when, like the whole Mic (what WAS she thinking!?) and Renee thing, then Webb. And who is Dalton? You can see my dilemma here. So any and all mistakes are mine. Consider this happening in season 8 or 9, and is most definitely AU. PS I know about the whole '4 thing'...I figure 4 is still a change.

I hope you enjoy my first foray into the JAG world.


Dropping his worn canvas bag on the floor, Harm leant against the front door to his loft and let out a deep sigh. After nearly 5 months TAD (two months longer than anticipated due to a active flight status shortage) to a ship in the mid Atlantic, he was just glad to be back on solid ground and, if he really thought about it, he realised that flying was still a passion, he had lost the drive to do it as a career. The minute he had stepped off that carrier, he had handed his wings in. He was nudging 40, and as the CAG had mentioned, he was old enough to be the father of some of the younger pilots, the time felt right to hang his wings up. He was going to miss it for sure, but he still had 'Sarah'. But it was time for the next chapter of his life to start. A chapter that hopefully would contain a certain Marine. Whilst it was too late to call tonight, as it was nudging midnight, and seeing as it was Christmas Eve he knew that Mac would probably be safe and sound, rugged up in front of the fireplace…maybe even tucking Chloe in, Harm already knew he would be up at first light to surprise Mac, and the Roberts' on Christmas Day. Though he had no presents for any of them, not even for little AJ or the twins, he knew they would be happy knowing he was back safe and sound after 5 months away from home.

Stepping inside his loft, Harm set his bag on the floor and quickly shed himself of his gloves and coat leaving them draped over a chair and, without bothering to turn the light on, made his way towards the open kitchen, hoping that the beer he had left in the fridge was still drinkable. The first odd thing he noticed was the half-eaten meatlovers pizza that was sitting on the bench, the second was the empty tubs of ice-cream in the trash. Opening the fridge up, he was surprised to find it relatively well stocked, milk, yoghurt etc all yet to reach their expiration date. Furrowing his brow, Harm looked around the loft and started to see other signs of recent human habitation, a jacket on the couch, an open newspaper on the side table, his mail stacked neatly according to relevance, bills, promotion, personal and junk. Swallowing, he stalked through his loft, trying to find some clue as to the mystery inhabitant was, it could have been Mattie, or even Jen, but they both had their own place, and had no reason to keep, leave and eat food in his loft.

Slipping into his bedroom area, he flicked the light on, so as to make sure that someone wasn't hiding in his bathroom. Almost immediately his gaze was drawn to the bed, a rather obvious human sized lump in his bed, clearing his throat softly from the top of the step, he attempted to wake the intruder without coming any closer. When that failed, he tiptoed to the side of the bed and gently tugged on the quilt which was obscuring the occupants face, slowly revealing the face of…Mac?

Harm pulled back, frowning…why would Mac be sleeping in his bed? Looking closer, he noticed her fist curled by her face, a tissue clenched tightly in her fingers, a pillow hugged tightly to her chest with other arm. His gaze snapped towards her face, taking in the red nose and the tear streaks on her face.

"Oh Mac…" he whispered softly, brushing a lock of her hair away from her face and smiling softly when she turned her head in sleep, leaning into his touch.

"Mac?" he asked, raising his voice slightly, as his fingers brushed over her cheekbones. "Sarah?" the last had the desired reaction, her eyes slowly blinking open, confusion evident in their chocolate depths as they suddenly opened wide.

"Harm?" she questioned tiredly, still clutching the pillow tightly to her chest. "Are you real?" she added softly, almost wistfully.

"I'm real Mac." He assured her, he couldn't hide the concern that was in his voice. "How come you're here?" he asked, running his hand through her hair.

Mac shifted on the bed, pulling the pillow closer to her body. "I missed you…despite how angry at you I was…" Mac paused, close to tears once again. "I missed you." She repeated quietly, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Harm closed his eyes, before he slid onto the bed. "I'm sorry Mac…I was just everything happened so fast, I didn't know how to cope with it. And I did the only thing I knew how too…I walked away, like a coward."

"But you're only a coward with me…aren't you?" she questioned, her words an eerie echo of those spoken on a ferry as they sailed under the Sydney Harbour Bridge, only a few years ago. Harm looked into her eyes for a second, before dragging them away to stare at a rumple in the quilt.

"We've put this talk off for too long." He said, after an eternity of silence. "We should have…after last time…you know, talked."

"Harm, our relationship is full of what if's and if only's, this is just another one to add to the pile."

"Relationship?" he questioned, his eyes still not meeting hers.

"Yes Harm, however bizarre it may be, we do have a relationship…work partners, friends and maybe something more…the lines are so blurred when it comes to us, sometimes I don't know where I stand with you." Mac told him honestly, still curled under the warmth of the blanket.

"I thought you knew…" Harm whispered in response, his eyes showing pain when he turned to meet Mac's gaze and, not for the first time, took his breath away with the love and devotion in them…this time mixed with sadness.

"No-one wants to be a mind-reader Harm. I may have had an idea…but sometimes we need to be told. And there has always been complications with us…your father, Renee, Mic…with all that, sometimes I would doubt…I would wonder."

By now, the tough as nails fighter pilot, was close to tears himself, knowing how much he had hurt the woman that he cared about so much…loved so much. "Mac…I'm so sorry I hurt you…" he wanted to continue but was silenced by Mac, who cut in on his words

"I know Harm…but I need to know something." Her face was serious, and Harm was already hearing the warning bells going off in his head, but he need anyway. "Are you ready to let go?"

A million images flashed through his head, every single 'moment' in his life, all his mistakes, all his missed opportunities, all his failures. And one thing slowly became clear to Harm, he didn't want to fail at this, he didn't want to miss this opportunity, and he certainly didn't want to screw it up. Because screwing up would mean hurting Mac…and he couldn't do that. He couldn't live with himself if he hurt her like that. Because he cared for Mac. He loved her, honest to god, I'll take a bullet for you love. Closing his eyes he leant back against his bed, exhaling as he went, he knew he was ready, he was ready to let go…but admitting that and doing that were two entirely different things.

Smiling gently, he tilted his head to look at Mac, still clutching her pillow, still snug under his doona. She looked…beautiful, perfect in his eyes, almost angel like as she blinked up at him, her lips slowly being tugged into a smile as he returned the gesture, before reaching over to gently trace her jaw. "I'm ready to let go Mac. I just…I don't know how."

Smiling through unshed tears, Mac slid up the bed, careful to keep the pillow over her lap, as she pulled Harm into a hug. "I'll be right here beside you flyboy, you're not the only one that needs to know how to do this." She whispered against his hair, soothing him with long, languid strokes of her hands.

"This would be easier without the pillow…" he whispered back, gently tugging at, as Mac pulled back.

"Harm…I…I have to tell you something." She told him softly. "Or maybe I should just show you." She added, her voice dropping to an almost whisper like volume. Closing her eyes for a minute, she took a deep breath before she removed the pillow. Her breathing almost stalled in her throat as Harm's eyes left her face to trail down her body, finally coming to rest on her belly, rounded by the child that grew within. He swallowed thickly, his voice caught in his throat as he reached out to gently touch the material of the Navy shirt that she wore. He stopped short of actually touching her, as his eyes flicked up to meet hers. "Yours." She stated simply, revealing the obvious.

Harm had already known this, from the moment she had removed the pillow he had known. The tears, the ice-cream, her needing to be here…and in an instant his mind flew back to nearly 5 months ago.

-flashback-

He was casually throwing everything that would spoil into his bin when he heard the knock at his door. Sighing, he dropped the bag onto the floor and made his way to the door, flicking the chain off he opened it to reveal his partner, Mac, her eyes blazing as she stared up at him.

"Why?" she stated, pushing past him and stared around his apartment.

"Orders." He replied, shrugging simply as Mac seemed to deflate in front of him, her shoulders slumping as she faced him. "C'mere." He whispered, stepping closer to her and opening his arms in invitation. Mac nearly flew into his arms. It had started off simply, brushing a lock of hair away from her eyes, wiping away a tear. And suddenly, Mac's lips were on his own, caressing, sucking, probing. Within minutes she was pulling his shirt over his head as she pulled him towards his bed. His own hands were not idle over, running over her skin as he pulled her clothes off, leaving a trail behind them before they crashed onto bed, half undressed and mouths still fused to each other as they hungrily sought each other out, tongues wetly sliding past each, tears mingling and hands desperately pulling at clothes.

-M scene to follow-

It was Mac that set the pace the first time, it was hard, and fast, and furious, straddling him as she wrapped her arms around his torso with her head buried in his neck as she continued to slide over him, the stretch that he caused was just a little too much, the pain just enough to remind her that this was real. She sobbed into his shoulder when she came, white light flashing behind her eyes as her whole body convulsed around his, feeling his back arch and the final upward thrust of his hips as he came with her, his arms holding her to him as he tenderly stroked her hair, and soothed her muscles. The second time was controlled by Harm, his hands stroking softly over her body, his lips trailing after as he slowly, and methodically turned her into a 5"9 quivering pile of goo. He learned every nuance of her body, and when his mouth had breathed a hot fire over her already burning core, she had damn near come on the spot. When he thrust into her the second time, he had dropped his head to her collarbone, kissing and licking at the soft skin, calming himself down, before beginning to slowly build his thrusts, angling them just right, making sure that she came again, his blue eyes a husky midnight shade as he continued to pound into her. She had held on her fingers gripping his arms, then sliding around to his neck as she felt the pressure begin to build in her stomach, her back arching and her hips meeting his thrust for thrust before finally stilling and his hips quivered and tried to push further into her, his hot, warm semen flooding inside her, and in the midst of his ecstasy his hand worked between their bodies, rubbing her over sensitized clit hard until her legs gripped him even harder and he felt her muscles clench around his softening dick, her scream muffled in his shoulder.

-end scene-

He had pulled out of her, and pulled her over on the bed…away from the wet spot they had created, he nuzzled into her shoulder, holding her to him…as if she may float away if he let go. He had laid his head down, resting on her shoulder and watching her chest softly rise and fall, his hand splayed across her belly, their legs tangled together intimately and he had fallen asleep like this. "Why?" he had whispered before he closed his eyes, his breathing slowly evening out. Mac had held him to her for an eternity, the occasional tear still leaking out.

"Because I love you." She had finally whispered into his hair, knowing from the shallow rise and fall of his chest

When she woke the next morning, he was already gone, the messed bed the only indication of what had happened that night. Her clothes were neatly folded, a note on top said she was free to use whatever was in fridge. At the bottom he had simply signed 'Harm'.

He had written a week later, email of course, chatting as if nothing had happened that night. He had been funny, open, teasing her even in print, but with every email and no mention of what happened, Mac had despaired, breaking down in a flood of tears in the middle of a trial. Bud, who was sitting second chair, had rushed to get Harriet, who led her straight to the girls bathroom and had a little heart to heart. Poor Bud had been left to explain to the judge why the prosecutor was now locked in a toilet, crying into some toilet paper. Harriet meanwhile had got the whole story from Mac, between heart wrenching sobs. It had been her who had first tentatively suggested that Mac might be pregnant, her increasing appetite, her tears over nothing…Mac had stilled for a moment, mentally counting backwards, before her gaze had snapped to Harriets', her answer evident in her eyes. Harriet had simply held onto Mac as a fresh wave of tears burst forth, trying to calm her as best she could whilst Mac had mumbled, 'my miracle' and 'damn him!' into her shoulder.

-end flashback-

"I was so…upset with you when you left. I tried to hate you Harm, god I tried so hard…but the minute I saw my…our…baby on the ultrasound machine, the little heart beating away." Mac paused, shaking her head for a minute. "I fell in love with you all over again."

"You…uhh…" Harm stuttered, shocked at her open admission.

"Yes I do Harm…I won't say it was from the moment I first met you. I don't even know when it happened, it was more like I just woke up one morning and realised that I didn't just 'love you', but was also 'in love' with you." Mac shrugged, she hadn't explained that very well, but neither of them were very good at talking about their emotions.

"I uhh…I mean…I do, er." Harm struggled to get the way he felt out, Mac however was having none of it, her finger came to rest over his lips, instantly shushing him.

"You don't have to tell me now, I don't want to force you into saying Harm. When you feel like telling me, tell me. But don't ever feel like you have to be pressured into saying it." Harm nodded in response to her words, tears threatening to spill from his eyes as he drew her into his embrace.

"I do too…you know." He whispered against her hair, his hands stroking her back through the material of the shirt. "I feel the same way…" he added as his hands worked up and to gently cup her face, his thumbs tracing over her lips gently, before covering them with his own, caressing her lips with his own, his tongue poking out to trace their lines, asking her for entrance, which she granted, opening her mouth slightly. It wasn't like last time, it was soft and gentle, loving, her hands smoothing over his skin, running through his hair…oh…so slowly, her nails scraping at the surface slightly. This time, their eyes didn't leave the others…they closed only to blink, his bright blue eyes slowly darkening to a midnight blue, her soft brown eyes darkening to an almost black hue.

Neither noticed how far it had gone until Mac's fingers were tugging his shirt free of his pants, and his were unbuttoning her shirt. "Mac…" he mumbled against her lips, trying to stop the low moan that escaped when her hands delved under his shirt. "I don't…I mean…is it okay?" he asked hesitantly, dropping his hand to cover her swollen belly, his fingers sweeping over the bump so softly…so gently, it brought tears to Macs eyes.

"Yeah…" she managed to choke out between sobs.

"Hey what's wrong?"

"Nothing…nothing is wrong…I'm just a little emotional at the moment." She swiped the tears away and gave him a reassuring smile, well what she hoped was reassuring.

"You know what, it's past midnight…I'm tired, and all I want to do is hold you in my arms." Harm told her earnestly, one hand splayed across her belly, the other reaching up to softly wipe away the last of her tears, smiling softly when she nodded. "I'll just get changed." He added softly, brushing across her lips gently.

Mac was already snuggled under the doona when Harm returned, wearing a pair of navy flannel pants with (and Mac had to giggle at this) white anchors on them. Pausing as he slipped in under the covers, an eyebrow raised in silent question he realised what it was that she was laughing at, he simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled sheepishly. It took some shifting, but once they were finally comfortable, Mac on her side, a pillow under her leg, and with Harm snuggled against her back, his warm breath washing over her skin, one harm stretched under her pillow, the other slow inching under her shirt to rest on her abdomen. Hearing her sigh, and feeling her body relaxing against his was perhaps the most perfect thing that he had heard…and felt in his life, until that moment. Suddenly, as if someone had switched a light on, Harm realised what he had to do to let go, properly…with things the way they were now, he was clinging on by his finger nails, and he knew that if he wanted everything that was being offered to him, he had to grab it with both hands. And that meant letting go. Of his fear, of his past…everything. He pulled Mad closer to his body.

"Mac?" he whispered into her ear, the hand on her belly stroking softly over her skin.

"mmm?" she answered tiredly, snuggling into his arms, enjoying the warmth and security that they provided her.

"I'm in love with you too Sarah." It was surprisingly easy actually, to let go. Especially when he had so much to grab hold off, Mac…a baby, his future. He already knew that if he did falter, if he did make a mistake, Mac would be there to guide him. And he would be there for her.

"Merry Christmas Harm." She finally said, and he realised something else as well, and he guessed it was rather symbolic in a way, his life had been put on hold on Christmas Eve, with his father going MIA, but last night and early into today, Christmas Day. He had got it all back, everything. He could stop running now, stop hiding from himself, he could start living his life now, because now he had something to hold on to. He had, for his whole life been holding onto a memory, something that had been barely there…a whisper…now he had a future to hold on to.

"Merry Christmas Mac." He responded quietly, kissing her softly behind her ear. Smiling against her hair, Harm snuggled against her, tangling his legs with hers, he was going to hold on to this with everything he had…and when he had his Marine in his arms, their baby in her belly, he was going to love every moment of holding on to this.


All done...maybe. If I have time, and my muse feels like it, might see if I can write up some Harm whumping by Harriet, AJ...Sturgis...oh my! lol. Hope you enjoyed, and would love...I repeat...LOVE to know what you all thought of it.