Author's Note: While listening to the FF7 soundtrack, my friend called me and asked what I was doing. At the time, I was listening to the song "Infiltrating Shin-Ra". My friend laughed and said, "President Rufus! Fan girls are infiltrating Shin-Ra!" I started laughing and got inspired to write this short little story. The whole "Palmer and Heidegger stuck in the air conditioning vent" is my sister's idea. Enjoy!

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President Rufus looked out his office window and breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, this catastrophic week was over. It was Friday morning, and all was quiet. The Shin-Ra executives went about doing their work, knowing that the weekend was right around the corner. It was a sunny, summer day, and everything was peaceful. Rufus cringed as he remembered the week.

On Monday morning, Reno had set his alarm five hours early. As a result, he came to work at three o'clock in the morning. Due to his drowsy state, Reno had put salt in the coffee maker; so everyone had been tossing their cookies that fateful morning. Then, a receptionist panicked and thought that someone was trying to poison them all. The MNN (Midgar News Network) had rushed to the scene, saying, "Shin-Ra was being brutally poisoned by a paid assassin". Things were soon cleared up when Reno realized his mistake. Elena was still mad at him for ruining her new shoes.

On Tuesday, Scarlet had set an electric fire in the women's restroom. Apparently, she had been curling her hair. She had carelessly left the curling iron on, in the sink. Tseng had smelled the smoke, and warned everybody. All the employees had evacuated and had waited for five hours in the pouring rain. As of now, Scarlet still swore it wasn't her fault.

On Wednesday, Reeve created some sort of dog creature named "Freddy". Well, Freddy was highly destructive, and nearly demolished the office towers. Freddy had also set off a missile that blew up in the ocean, causing a tidal wave that nearly destroyed the cannons. The ceiling had leaked terribly, and it still smelled like wet towels and dog. Fortunately, the Turks terminated the canine.

On Thursday, Elena had accidentally thrown Reno out the window. Well…maybe not entirely "accidental". Reno had rummaged through her desk, pulled out a couple tampons, ripped them open, thought they were airplanes, and had run around the hallways flying the "airplanes". Elena was horrified, and stuffed him out the window. Reno had landed in the garbage dumpster. Or course, it just HAD to be garbage day, and Rude had received a phone call from his partner ("Help, yo! I'm buried under a pile of rotten food, and I'm about to be dumped in the ocean!") It had taken a lot of explaining, but Reno was safely retrieved from his smelly prison.

Rufus sighed and sat at his desk. Now for some nice, peaceful, paperwork that wouldn't involve any poisonings, fires, mutant canines, or garbage rescues.

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Scarlet stormed through the hallways, fuming. Where were her pens? She needed them, NOW. If Heidegger had "borrowed" them, he was in big trouble.

"PALMER!" she yelled, "Have you seen my pens?"

"No, ma'am. But, Heidegger was showing off a light-up pen that looked suspiciously like yours," Palmer admitted.

"Thank you," Scarlet grabbed her staple gun and searched for the doomed Heidegger. She barreled into his office and glared at him.

"I believe that's MY pen," she hissed.

"It isn't anymore! Gya-haa-haa!" he cackled. Scarlet clicked her staple gun threateningly.

"Violence is not the answer! Gya-haa-haa!" Heidegger was, no doubt, trying to be clever.

"It is now!" Scarlet screeched, and lunged towards him. Heidegger flew out the door and Scarlet followed suit. They dashed past a bewildered Palmer, who stared at them in disbelief. Scarlet chased Heidegger around the building with her staple gun, and then succeeded in stuffing him into the air conditioning vent. Palmer saw Heidegger's legs sticking out of the vent, and tried to get him out. When that didn't work, he tried to push him in, so he could at least have better circulation. Unfortunately, Palmer pushed too hard and got stuck in the vent as well.

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Rufus took a drink of water. Was it just him, or was it getting warmer? It was unusually stuffy and humid in his office, and getting hotter by the minute. His phone rang, and he picked it up.

"President Rufus."

"President, you have to help us," Palmer's voice sounded echo-y, "Scarlet was chasing Heidegger around with a staple gun, and pushed him into the air conditioning vent. I tried to help him, but I'm stuck too."

Rufus sighed. Not another disaster.

"I'll call the air conditioning company. Maybe they can help," Rufus said.

"Thank you." Palmer hung up.

It was now unbearably hot. Rufus took off his white lab coat and jacket underneath. He'd just wear his collared t-shirt for now. Not very professional, but it was better than being Roasted Rufus.

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An hour later, the air conditioning guy managed to free Heidegger and Palmer from the vent. However, that was just the beginning of their troubles.

"President Rufus!" Elena ran into his office.

"What now?" Rufus asked.

"There are rapid fan girls trying to break in! Somehow, the air conditioning guy's daughter found out that you were only wearing a t-shirt. She told all her friends, and now they're trying to come in!" Elena said.

"What is so extraordinary about me wearing a t-shirt?" Rufus asked, annoyed.

"Um, sir, you always wear a coat thingy," Elena explained, "When your arms are showing, it's a major shock."

Rufus sighed, "Well, keep them out. And after this is over, I'm scheduling a meeting about spreading rumors."

"But it wasn't a rumor, sir…"

"Don't you have a job to do?"

"Yes sir," Elena said. Before she was about to leave, they heard a loud banging and her cell phone rang.

"Hello, Elena speaking. Yes…uh-huh…what? A log? Yes…yes sir. Bye," she hung up and looked at Rufus.

"Tseng has just informed me that the fan girls have somehow gotten hold of a log, and are ramming the doors. They also heard that Reno is in the building, and he's hiding in the janitor's closet."

"Tell the Turks to hold them back. I don't want any hyper, lovesick middle schoolers in this building," Rufus replied.

"Yes sir," Elena scurried out of his office.

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"I'm glad I don't have any fan girls," Tseng declared, barring the doors.

"Remember when some girls attacked Cloud Strife while he was driving to work?" Rude asked, making sure the doors were locked and secure.

"Oh yeah. What a mess!" Elena shook her head.

"I think that's secure," Tseng said. The Turks waited at the door, just in case. Rude's phone rang, and he picked it up.

"Rude."

"Hey, partner. Uh, those fan girls gone yet?" Reno's voice sounded muffled.

"No, we're guarding the door."

"Get them out soon, yo. This closet reeks of cleaning supplies and bleach," Reno complained.

"Sorry," Rude hung up. The loud banging noise ceased…but then…

BOOM!!

The door splintered in two and the fan girls streamed in.

"Oh no!" Elena yelped.

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Tseng ran into Rufus's office, and locked the door behind him.

"President Rufus, fan girls are infiltrating Shin-Ra!" he announced.

I'm doomed, Rufus thought.

"I suggest you hide somewhere, President. They're dangerous," Tseng suggested.

"How's Reno?" Rufus asked.

Tseng winced, "Several girls found him…and Elena and Rude are trying to pry them off."

Rufus thought. What was a good hiding place?

The doorknob jiggled.

Tseng turned pale.

Rufus's life flashed before his eyes.

"OHMIGOSH! It's Rufus Shin-Ra!" a crowd of girls squealed. Tseng rushed in front of Rufus to protect him, but it was all for naught.

"WE HEART YOU!!!" they screamed shrilly. After a lot of squeeing and jumping around, they rushed towards Rufus.

Should he shoot them? Or jump out the window?

The fan girls came closer.

Shoot? Jump?

Closer…

Scream like a woman?

Closer still…

Rufus made up his mind. He catapulted himself from his desk and crashed through the window. He wasn't sure who was more shocked: himself, Tseng, or the fan girls who were screaming, "Ehmagosh, he like crashed!"

"Save him! My dear pumpkin!" a girl in a "We Heart Shin-Ra" t-shirt shrieked.

Tseng was floored. What could he do? The girls were leaning out the window, straining to see if their beloved "pumpkin" had survived.

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Rufus was clinging to a windowsill for dear life. He stretched his neck and looked up. He could see several heads poking out the window. Rufus hoped that help would come…quickly.

"President Rufus!" a voice called out. Rufus looked down. Thank goodness, it was Elena and Rude!

"We'll get you!" Elena yelled, and grabbed a trampoline.

"Jump!" Rude told him.

Rufus let go and bounced about ten times before he finally stopped…uh…bouncing. The Turks rushed to his side, making sure their president wasn't injured.

"Thank heavens you're all right! We had to hide Reno in the vending machine, it was so bad!" Elena said.

"How did he fit?" Rufus wondered.

"We had to take out some bottles of soda," Elena replied.

"Get AVALANCHE over here to help us," Rufus suggested, climbing off the trampoline.

Elena's eyes widened, "That's not the best idea…Cloud and Vincent are in AVALANCHE…"

Oh yeah…

"The only thing we can do is hide, until the fan girls get tired and leave," Rude said. The Turks ran to the nearest vending machine, emptied a few bottles out, and let Rufus in.

"This better be quick," Rufus warned them before Rude shut the vending machine door shut.

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A guy got out of a truck that said "Coco-Cola" on its sides. He whistled cheerfully while he pushed a cart filled with soda. Humming a tune, he opened a vending machine.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!" Reno screamed.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!" the vending machine guy screamed. He unintentionally flipped the cart over, slipped on several bottles, and landed in a sticky puddle of Diet Coke. Reno ran out of the vending machine, slipped on a Coke, and fell flat on his face. He let out a string of R rated curses and slammed his hand on the vending machine. The vending machine fell…on Reno…with a THUD.

"What the…" was Reno's muffled yelp. The Coke guy regained his composure and lifted the (heavy) machine off of Reno.

"You ok?" he asked.

"Ya think? Of course not!" Reno said sarcastically, "Call 411!"

"Why, do you need contact information?" the Coke guy chuckled.

"Whatever! Call 911!"

"What's the number again?" the Coke guy asked.

"What do I look like? A phone operator? Get the phone book, yo!" Reno barked. The Coke guy nodded and scurried away, looking for the phone book.

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Rufus tapped his foot impatiently. When was this whole thing going to be over? It was freezing in the vending machine, and he didn't have his coat. After what seemed like an eternity, someone unlocked the door.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" a Dasani water guy screeched.

"Are the girls gone?" Rufus said, ignoring the panicky look on the guy's face.

"G-girls?" the guy was too shocked to speak. Since when did Dasani start selling people?

"The fan girls," Rufus said.

"Uh, I didn't see anything."

"Thank heavens," Rufus muttered, pushed his way past the guy, and headed towards his office.

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It was Saturday afternoon. Reno was in the hospital with a broken arm, but he was all right. The fan girls were kicked out, and the exhausted Shin-Ra executives relaxed during their weekend.

Or not…

"President Rufus! Britney Spears just drove her car straight through the Shin-Ra headquarters!" Tseng said, running into Rufus's house.

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Author's Note: It IS true that if you put salt in coffee, it makes you vomit. Trust me, I experimented…