...I'm not sure how this happened, I just remember seeing a curse similar to the one Harry uses on Voldemort and then bam! crack! But I think this is crazy funny, highly improbable, and just general strangeness on my part

Snape is awesome in this chapter

I do not own Harry Potter or anything assoicated with it, trust me, you'd know if I did

Oswald the Ottoman

Chapter One: The Birth of Oswald

"Well, it's not really my fault—no one really told me what to do, so I just winged it," Harry rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at the small leather ottoman and added, "At least Voldemort's finally out of commission."

The ottoman jumped up and tried to head butt Harry's leg. Harry moved out of the way and stepped down onto the small footrest and threatened, "If you don't stop I'll rip off your upholstery!"

The Order stared in horror, except for Snape who was still snickering somewhere near the wall. Harry cleared his throat and picked up the kicking ottoman, adding, "Well, kind of out of commission…"

"What are you going to do with him—that?" Mrs. Weasley asked slowly.

"I hadn't really thought that far ahead," Harry replied slowly, "I mean, it's not really going to hurt anyone like this, except maybe bruise a few shins and step on a few toes…"

"Harry," Hermione said firmly and slowly, like she was talking to a retarded two year old, "it's evil."

"It's an ottoman!"

Said ottoman kicked him in the side, Harry threw it on the ground and it lay there for a few moments before dragging itself behind the headmistress's desk. Snape's muffled snickering picked up at this sight.

"See," Harry said brightly, as he rubbed his side, "harmless. Just needs a little love."

"Love?" Hermione echoed, "It's Voldemort! Turned into a piece of furniture!"

"Do you have something against furniture?" Harry demanded.

"I have something against Voldemort!"

"Harry," Ginny spoke up, "I just have to say that if you don't get rid of…that, then we're going to have to have a serious conversation."

Harry blinked in confusion and then realized what she meant and demanded, "It's just a little footstool!"

Said footstool came running out from behind the desk, ready for attack! Harry tripped it and stepped down on top of it; it fought for a moment and then gave up, a leg jerking every so often. Snape snorted and turned to the wall, continuing his laughing.

"An evil footstool!"

"Do you even know how ridiculous that sounds?" Harry asked her, as Snape's sharp chortles of laughter only proved his point. "Besides if you want to break up with me over a piece of furniture then you have some problems."

"Harry, that's Voldemort! He killed your parents!"

"Yeah, and I turned him into an animated ottoman, tell me that's not the best punishment ever." Harry grinned and the ottoman began kicking furiously once more, "Besides it's not like it's a couch or something, if it was then I'd do something, but as it is, it's kinda cute and why not make the man suffer? I think he deserves all the ottoman time he gets."

"What are you saying, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked bright red spots on each cheek.

"I'm going to keep it," Harry declared.

Exclamations of outrage filled the room and Snape murmured, reverently, "This is the best day of my life."

Harry released the ottoman down onto the floor of his dorm and it immediately set out, exploring the room.

Neville stared at it, and asked, "That's…"

"Voldemort, yes," Harry agreed. "Don't worry about him killing you in your sleep or anything though, he can't jump very high."

Neville paled.

"That's good," Harry informed him, "he can't get onto our beds."

Voldemort slunk underneath a desk, presumably laying in wait for a perfect chance to attack. Harry reached up the desk and pulled the protesting footrest out, its wooden legs scratching and clunking against the floor.

"And I'll get some of those felt chair leg cover things to keep him from making too much noise," Harry added, holding it away from him, the legs kicking urgently in the air.

"Is it dangerous?" Neville asked slowly, looking at the ottoman warily.

"I wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night without checking the floor for him," Harry replied, "but he can't do more than trip someone…or step on your toes."


"Yeah, maybe we should install nightlights so we don't have to remember to light our wands when we're tired and half asleep," Harry murmured. Voldemort's legs were still kicking, but now in tandem so he looked like an overgrown, under-legged centipede. Harry watched it for a few moments before informing him: "You look ridiculous."

The legs fell limp.

"Is he going to stay up here?" Neville asked, "I mean, like a pet…ottoman?"

"Yeah, probably have to get a chain or something, keep him from escaping," Harry agreed, studying Voldemort appraisingly. "And we'll have to lock the door; Hermione's been looking at him funny."

"So we're protecting him?"

"Don't think of it as Voldemort, think of it as a leather upholstered Chihuahua," Harry replied, "Maybe we should name him something else, you know, not Voldemort…"

"I always liked the name Oswald," Neville replied brightly.

The ottoman kicked wildly in protest.

"I find it oddly suiting," Harry agreed. "Oswald the Ottoman. Exactly what you've been working for your entire life, right? But seriously Neville, this thing will probably try to trip you so watch your step…and if he tries anything, just step on him."

"Oswald the Evil Ottoman," Neville said with a smile and Harry flashed him a grin and set said ottoman down on the floor. It stood still for a moment before scuttling across the floor and exploring the room.

"You know," Neville murmured thoughtfully, "you're right—it is kinda cute."

"For a piece of furniture," Harry agreed.