A/N: Well...I honestly don't know what to say about this one. Basically this is a fic that I'll update when I get the urge to, and none of the chapters will be based on previous chapters. If parts of this don't make sense, blame the Oreos I ate while writing this. Mild ships, but nothing at all important to the main story, but here they are anyways: Yuffentine, Cloti, Tseng/Elena. Oh, also very exaggerated characters, to the point of OOC. Rated for language and the exploration of anatomy.
So, ever wondered what would happen if you had more than one mastered Cover materia equipped? Probably not, but I did, and here's what I came up with. Read, don't read, review, don't review, run naked screaming down the street. Whatever suits your fancy.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own FF7, the Dave Chapelle Show or Superman.
Too Much Of A Good Thing: Cover Materia
Vincent was at a picnic, which would make anyone who had ever been acquainted with him go whatthefuck
And actually enjoying himself.
Aforementioned acquaintances had, at this point, all died of various cardiac conditions.
He sat with his back to a tree, a BLT clutched in his gauntleted hand and a can of Sprite in the other. As was his usual habit, he had secluded himself, not because he was uncomfortable with his current company but because that was what he did. He came and he sat and he watched everyone else while nursing a drink and enjoying some food.
His acquaintances would have been relieved by this, had they not already died from the fact that he was still at a picnic and enjoying himself. What. The. Fuck.
The picnic was an AVALANCE/WRO get-together, and everyone had come. Barret and Cid, both already slightly drunk, were loudly swearing at everyone and no one for no apparent reason – not that they needed a reason to take their vocabulary for a walk. Yuffie was doing cartwheels and flips for the kids, partially to keep them entertained and not getting into mischief and partly because that's what ninjas did when they were excited. Reeve was casually talking to Shera and Nanaki, the conversation evidently light-hearted, judging by the copious amounts of giggles issuing from all three of them (Nanaki giggling was quite the sight. Noise. Whatever.). Tifa and Cloud not to be seen, undoubtedly committing adult rated acts somewhere just out of sight, for which Vincent was devoutly thankful. Reno and Rude were in the middle of a drinking contest, Rufus was tanning and Tseng and Elena –
Vincent frowned. They'd disappeared somewhere. He scanned around carefully, his eyes coming to rest on a pair of black dress pants stuck in a tree not far from the group.
Ah. Tseng and Elena were competing for movie sales with Cloud and Tifa.
Vincent, for his part, was left alone, for which he was also devoutly thankful, as he enjoyed the chance to just sit in the pretty glade they had found with the sun on his face (the part not covered by his cloak) and a slight breeze in his hair. He had almost gotten his hopes up that the day would continue to pass by pleasantly, when, of course, the sun disappeared and thunder clapped suddenly and Sephiroth came back to life, riding on Jenova's left arm like it was a surfboard, with President ShinRa piggybacking on Sephy and Hojo piggybacking on ShinRa, all of whom were yelling "I'm Rick James, bitch!". Jenova's arm also yelled this, through its armpit, just to add in some falsetto.
If one was brave enough to actually question Vincent about this description, he might eventually admit to it being an exaggeration. The sun did not, in fact, disappear, thunder did not clap and there was no foursome of Dave Chapelle enthusiasts rising from the grave. However, out of the woods hopped a group of five frogs, which were all rather large for frogs but nothing terribly terrifying. The rest of the group noticed this, and after a short - if loud - debate, Barret, Cid, and Yuffie staggered over to the frogs to deal with them, the first two rather inebriated and the third having done one too many somersaults than recommended.
They picked up their weapons, equipped materia seemingly at random, tied on some ribbons and went to meet the frogs. Vincent stood up slowly, wandering over to watch, sipping his Sprite.
The trio faced off against the quintet of amphibians. For a while they just stared at each other, the trio joking around about bets on who would get the most and the frogs, well, doing whatever it was frogs do when preparing for battle. Secreting slime perhaps.
One of the frogs suddenly darted forward, one froggy fist pulled back to jab at Yuffie. The trio watched its approach without concern, portraying mock terror and laughing.
That's when things got really, really, entertaining for all third party persons, such as Vincent.
The frog stopped in front of Yuffie, and started to punch.
Vincent noticed, in the split second before movement began, that both a materia in Barret's bracer and one embedded in the shaft of Cid's Venus Gospel glowed purple at exactly the same moment.
Then suddenly both Barret and Cid were moving impossibly fast towards Yuffie, weapons raised to block. This all happened in a very short period of time.
There was then a very loud, unpleasant sound of two bodies crunching into each other, the kind that makes everyone in the vicinity wince in sympathy of the undoubted pain accompanied by said noise.
Vincent did wince as he watched Barret and Cid slam into the ground, the former clutching his stomach, winded, and the latter clutching his head, concussed. Yuffie also watched them both, staring down at them as they lay at her feet, looking completely speechless.
Vincent, knowing Yuffie, knew this lack of voice of hers would not last long.
Sure enough, a moment later, and Yuffie was on the ground, also clutching her stomach with tears in her eyes. She could have been mistaken for being in extreme pain if it was not for the fact she was laughing so hard she appeared epileptic.
To quote Yuffie at this moment:
Barret had recovered enough to sit up.
To quote Barret at this moment:
"WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN' HIGHWIND?"
Cid, still clutching his head, also sat up slowly.
And, to be fair, we'll quote Cid as well:
"I was covering her you fucked up excuse for a marshmallow, what the fuck do you think I was doing? What the fuck were YOU doing?"
"I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE COVER, YOU DAMNED FOOL, WHAT THE FUCK?"
Yuffie at this point, had stopped laughing so hard, and had rolled onto her back still chuckling weakly as she stared at the sky. "Guys, guys..." she choked out between laughs, fighting for breath.
"What?" Cid snapped at her, still glaring at Barret.
Yuffie sat up slowly. She then looked very deliberately at first Barret, then Cid, and then, carefully enunciating each syllable, said, "I know you guys are secretly and desperately in love with me, but no one's at fault here. Because in the end, it all turned out great, because I got to laugh at your expense."
Vincent smiled. Yuffie beamed. Cid and Barret both turned glares on Yuffie that would put Superman's laser vision so completely to shame it would retire and work as a pointer for PowerPoint presentations.
The frogs stayed where they were, looking thoroughly put out at being ignored. There was one missing. Vincent quickly found it. It was very flat and was laying where Barret had fallen a moment before.
Interested in how Barret and Cid had both ended up covering Yuffie, he walked forward. Seeing him, Yuffie beamed even wider. Barret and Cid merely scowled at him, still nursing their friendly fire.
"Did you both have mastered Cover materia?" Vincent asked them.
Cid nodded, and Barret grunted in assent, which lead to more laser death stares between the two of them.
Vincent was about to remark on the situation, when he noticed that Yuffie had gone very quiet and had that look on her face.
You know, the look.
The one that makes your want to flee, flee flee flee and run for your lives.
In other words, she was smiling, ever, ever, so slightly.
Suddenly, she got up and ran back to the group. Vincent watched her go with narrowed eyes. She approached Marlene and Denzel and whispered something urgently to them, while digging into a bag for something that she passed out to both of them. The kids nodded, then all three of them split off in different directions.
Vincent's suspicion aroused, he mused over what Yuffie could possibly be up to. He decided to put his deductive reasoning skills to the test.
Yuffie is evil. Evil.And everything she does or says is evil and spawns evilness.
Yuffie has told Marlene and Denzel to do something.
Therefore, Marlene and Denzel are also evil. Evil.
Barret and Cid were too busy maintaining their death glares and rubbing their affected body parts to notice Yuffie's sudden absence.
The frogs, Vincent realized, were also watching Yuffie, Denzel, and Marlene closely. Vincent felt a certain sense of satisfaction. He always knew those frogs were smarter than they looked, but no one took him seriously about it.
Cloud and Tifa had reappeared, he noticed, as had Tseng and Elena. With clothes. That were on. Thankfully.
And Yuffie has suddenly materialised at his side.
"Hiya, Vinnie," she greeted, grinning lopsidedly at him in a way that did not make him feel in the least bit safe.
"Yuffie," he returned cautiously.
"How ya doin'?" she asked nonchalantly.
"Yuffie, whatever you're doing, keep me out of it, please."
Yuffie studied him, giving him a onceover and pursing her lips in consideration.
"All right, but on one condition."
Vincent, feeling rather nervous, quirked an eyebrow in inquiry.
Yuffie pulled out a video camera. Where the hell she'd been hiding it in that outfit of hers mystified Vincent. He started studying her, before realising that it probably looked like he was undressing her with his eyes. Since he was, in a way.
Yuffie grinned in a way that suggested she didn't mind in the least. She held out the camera
Vincent didn't mind that she didn't mind. He took the offered camera.
"Just record the fun, kay?"
Vincent nodded, flipping open the view finder on the camera.
Yuffie grinned at him again in a way that sent Galian Beast howling. Then she turned, and Vincent followed her gaze to Denzel and Marlene.
They both nodded once.
Yuffie cupped her hand around her mouth and hollered, "HEY EVERYONE, C'MERE FOR A SEC!"
Everyone looked up, and with some shrugs, slowly wandered over. Barret and Cid had gotten back to their feet, Vincent noticed. Yuffie started towards the pair, with a significant glance at Vincent before she went.
Backing discreetly away, he hit the 'Record' button on the handheld.
Through the viewfinder he watched as everyone gathered around Yuffie.
"What is it, Yuffie?" Cloud asked, one of his hands still up Tifa's shirt.
"I wanted to show you all something cool," Yuffie replied. Marlene and Denzel were standing in the background, giggling to themselves excitedly. Never a good sign, Vincent knew.
Yuffie, without further ado, approached the frogs. She looked them all over with utter contempt, then spat at one especially fat one, "You're mother was a toad."
The frog, horribly offended, croaked in rage and flew at her.
Vincent then witnessed something he would never forget, and would have insisted it was a dream if it wasn't for the fact he was filming it.
Absolutely everyone, Turks, Rufus, Reeve, Shera, and AVALANCHE alike suddenly moved with impossible speed to block the attack from Yuffie.
It is a very crucial law to physics and the world as we know it that matter cannot occupy the same space at other matter.
As is the case in this scenario.
Heads cracked, stomachs whooshed, shins bruised, and eyes were gouged as everyone attempted to cover Yuffie and ended up instead covering themselves in various injuries.
Yuffie cackled in glee as she looked down at the squirming, moaning mass of bodies in front of her. She casually sauntered over to Vincent. He could hear Marlene and Denzel screaming with laughter in the background.
"Did ya get it?" Yuffie asked as she approached, as if he had just returned from the grocery store.
Vincent just stared at her in amazement. "Where did you get all the Cover materia? And mastered, too?"
Yuffie shrugged, examining her nails as if bored. "Cloud's stash. The Turks stash. The WRO's stash. Stashes. I mastered most of 'em myself, they sell way better that way."
Vincent just shook his head, handing the camera back to Yuffie. He watched over her shoulder as she rewound the tape and played the video. She snickered as she watched the mass of people fly towards her.
"Thanks, Vinnie," she said as she finished watching the tape. "You could be a cameraman."
Vincent just smiled slightly. Yuffie grinned at him in a very suggestive manner, and he suddenly realized that leather and a cape was much too hot to wear to a summer picnic and that he should probably take them off. And maybe the rest of his clothes for good measure. And Yuffie's too.
Hey, it could get really hot in the woods in summertime.
He removed his cloak, throwing it aside and striding towards Yuffie, who watched his approach with satisfaction gleaming in her eyes.
"A good day, don't you think?" she asked as he pinned her against a nearby tree and began kissing her neck.
"Mm, I did enjoy myself," Vincent murmured between kisses.
"Wow, Vinnie, look at that," Yuffie said, stopping him for a moment and turning his head (which turned quite unwillingly) to look at the mass of people on the ground.
"Cloud still has his hand up Tifa's shirt. How the hell did he manage that? Do ya think his hand got stuck between her cleavage?"
Vincent shrugged, more important matters on his mind.
Like how much he enjoyed picnics.