I did it. I really have lost my mind this time. But this thing jumped into my head and pushed out my three other fic ideas right out. Apparently it doesn't care that I am too busy to write it. So yes, you should read Lonely in a Crowd before you even think about starting this. Lonely in a Crowd is completed in this site.
It's going to be fairly rough for awhile. Anyone who reads my fics, knows I love drama. But I promise Mer/Der. I am die-hard Mer/Der, so no worries there! It will just be painful. And long. The On-Call people want to kill me daily!
Meredith laid down in her bed. It was raining. The massive storm seemed to be sitting over Seattle just to spite her. Rain was something she always loved. But recently she decided it was actually something that she loathed. After several unsuccessful hours, she finally got Liam down for the night. Apparently he was not at all fond of loud cracking thunder or flashing lightning. And a grumpy sleepy baby, soon made for a grumpy sleepy mom.
Meredith rolled over and gathered her blankets around her body. She was cold. That was something that she was getting used to. She was slowly getting used to sleeping alone in her bed. It lonely. It was something she never thought she could do. But she was doing it. She would just add another blanket and curl up in a tighter ball.
Sleep came eventually. She wasn't even sure how long she had been sleeping when she awoke abruptly. It was the cry of her baby. She used to be able to tune things out. She could sleep through anything. But the cries of her baby always cut right through her. They could awake her from any sleep. The connection she had with Liam was incredibly strong. It was a bond that could not be broken.
Meredith tossed her blankets back and threw her legs over the bed. Her feet hit the cold floor and immediately woke her up from her half-asleep state. She stumbled slowly out of her room and down the hallway. As she crossed the crosswalk she looked at the lightening that was illuminating up the great room with a an eerie glow. Liam's cries only got loudly as she neared his nursery. Her heart broke as she looked down at her baby's beet red face and tear stained cheeks.
"Mama's here, LeeLee." Meredith said softly as she looked down at her baby. His cries quickly stopped as his bright blue eyes looked up at his mom.
Meredith gently scooped up her baby and walked over to the window. She leaned her baby's head against her and took a deep breath, breathing him in. Nothing smelled more perfect than her son. She slowly walked over to his dresser and looked at the picture of she, Derek and Liam. The perfect family. Or so she thought.
"Are you hungry, little man?" Meredith asked as she ran her hand over his soft head. "Mama will feed you..." Meredith said softly as she walked down the hallway to the master bedroom.
Meredith sat down in the plush chair by the window. She loved to sit in the room and look out the window. She remembered when they had the plans drawn up for the house. It was everything that she wanted. She looked out the window, taking in the sight of the lightning reflecting off of lake. She loved her house. She softly lifted her shirt and guided Liam to her breast. She stroked his head as he looked into her eyes. Their eyes met with an silence. There was an unspoken language between them. She couldn't help but look down at her son and see Derek. He looked just like his dad.
"You know, you will have to get used to the rain, little guy. All it ever does in Seattle is rain. The rain is good. It makes things grow so big and pretty. Mommy loves the rain." She explained.
This was how it went. She talked to Liam more than anyone else. They had special moments everyday. He was her companion. He was her little man. Liam Patrick Shepherd was the light of her life. She lived and breathed for him. Anything for him.
"I know you miss your Daddy, little man. I miss him too." She said as she stroked his shoulder. "Mommy made such a bad mistake. And she is so sorry. I'm sorry, baby." She told him as she looked in his eyes. "I miss him so much..." She muttered softly as she looked out at the property. "So much..."
Meredith looked around her room. She had thought she built the perfect life. It was supposed to be the perfect life. After all they had been through, they were meant to finally have it all. They fought through so much. They made the perfect child. They built the perfect house. They had perfect jobs. And it was supposed to be happily ever after. Until that day.
Meredith finished changing Liam's diaper. She softly tickled the little boy's skin, causing him to giggle and coo. He was so cute. She couldn't get enough of him. He was her pride and joy. And Derek's too. Meredith placed the dirty diaper in the trash and buttoned up Liam's onesie as she heard the garage door open.
"It sounds like daddy is home!" Meredith said happily as she scooped her son up and walked down the stairs. "Daddy!" Meredith said as she walked up to him.
"There's mommy and baby..." Derek said happily as he kissed his wife softly and went to grab his son.
"Ah, ah, ah... Daddy has to wash his hands first." Meredith warned as she shooed him away. She followed Derek to the kitchen with Liam in her arms.
"So how was your day?" Derek asked as he dried his hands on the towel.
"Lots of poo. And Leelee had a bath... Didn't you?" Meredith asked as she kissed him and handed him over to Derek.
"Hey little man. Did you have a bath?" He asked as he kissed his son. "Did you poop lots for mommy? What a big guy you are."
"Mom called. My mom. She said Richard is doing better. I was going to stop by their house, but I didn't want to take Liam out in the rain." Meredith explained and she tickled Liam's cheek.
"Yeah. I talked to Richard today. He's retiring." Derek explained as he looked at her. "Daddy loves you." Derek told Liam as he kissed him. "My little LP."
"Retiring?" Meredith asked in shock.
"Ellis will not let him continue. She is terrified of another heart attack. The cardiologist is urging him to lessen his load." Derek explained.
"So who is going to take his place?" Meredith asked with concern.
She was dreading his answer. She was worried. She was worried that he was going to tell her exactly what she did not want to hear. She braced herself as she leaned against the counter.
"Well, he asked me." Derek said quickly.
"What did you say?" Meredith asked as her stomach dropped.
"What is there to say? " Derek asked as he averted his attention to his son.
"You could have said yes." Meredith told him, wondering why she even suggested it.
"Mer, I know how it is. Liam is a month and a half old. And you- There is no choice here." Derek pointed out. "I turned him down last time. He was only asking out of courtesy."
Meredith stood there with her wheels spinning. She knew how this went. And she knew that Derek only came to Seattle to be Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. This was his dream. It had been his whole life. He had already turned it down once because of she and Liam. And now, she couldn't be the reason for his dreams flying out the window.
"He was asking because he thinks you would be the best candidate. And he is right." Meredith said with a faint smile. "This your dream, Derek. You are the only one that can live it. If it's what you want, you need to do it." She sadly.
"Mer..." Derek muttered as he looked up at her. She could see a glint of hope in his eye.
"This is your choice." She told him reassuringly. "Do it. If that is what you want, do it."
"You're sure?" Derek asked with a big grin.
"I'm sure." Meredith lied as she grabbed her son.
"I love you, Mer." He said as he kissed passionately.
"I love you too." She said as she grabbed her son.
"I'm going to call Richard." He said as he walked off.
Meredith pulled her son close. It broke her heart. She just agreed to something that was her worst nightmare. She knew how it went. The never ending stack of paperwork. The long hours. The responsibility. It wasn't a nine to five job. It was a job that was your life. It was a huge undertaking. But most of all, it did one thing, It ruined families.
Meredith held a sleeping Liam in her arms. She cried softly, so as not to wake him up. She tried to not cry around him. He seemed to be able to pick up mommy's sadness in a second. He didn't deserve to have this burden to bear. This is how it went. Just she and Liam. So alone. Meredith stood up and carried Liam back to his nursery. As she returned to her bed, she pulled her covers to her chin. Another lonely night.
Meredith awoke to the alarm clock blaring in her ear. She hated that sound. That annoying sound that meant that her peaceful night's rest was over. She moaned as she rolled over and smacked the clock with force. As she felt her feet hit the floor, she looked at her bed. It was empty. Derek's side was still untouched.
Meredith went through her usually morning routine. If Liam stayed asleep, she would take a quickly shower and get dressed. But if he woke up, that generally put a damper on everything. This morning he was silent. She quickly and quietly crept to his nursery and looked it. He was sleeping peacefully. A good morning.
Meredith moaned as the hot water poured down her body. She ran her hands down her sides. It was almost back to it's original shape. Shortly after having Liam, she was self conscious. Everything was so stretched and saggy. She was so worried that Derek wouldn't see her that way he did before. But that wasn't the case. He seemed more crazy about her than ever. It was the boobs. He loved the boobs. But that all ended. Exhaustion from the hospital soon took over and he seemed to have no interest at all anymore.
As she stepped out of the shower and dried herself off, she looked in the mirror. The eyes that looked back at her were sad. They were lonely. She missed her husband. She missed human contact other than that of an eight month old. She missed Derek's hands on her. She missed the feeling he gave her when he looked into her eyes. She missed Derek. She needed him. But it seemed like he didn't need her.
"Leelee." Meredith said with a big smile as she walked into his nursery.
He smiled as he looked up at her. When he cooed, her heart melted every time. She picked him up and held him against her chest. Whenever she did that, she swore their hearts beat as one. After a kiss on the head, Meredith laid Liam on the changing table.
"You peed lots." Meredith said as she rubbed her nose against his. "Mama has to go to work. And that means you get to go with me."
Meredith carried Liam downstairs with his diaper bag. She held him in one arm as she made herself a cup of coffee and toast. It was not easy. And he did not like to sit in his carrier when there was the possibly of being in her arms. This was how it was. She was learning to do it on her own. She was doing it all on her own.
Meredith talked to Liam the whole way to the hospital. She would look into the rearview mirror at the mirror that was above him. A smile always covered his face when she walked to him. This was the part she didn't like. She hated leaving him in the hands of the hospital daycare. She wanted to have it all. She wanted to be at the hospital and at home. She wanted to have her husband and her son.
"He will be fine, Dr. Grey." Karen said with a smile as she grabbed the baby.
"Page-" Meredith started as he looked at him.
"Page you if he needs you. I know. Have a good day." Karen said with a smile.
"Mama will be back to feed you lunch." Meredith said as she kissed him on the cheek.
Meredith slowly and begrudgingly walked down the hallway. She did not want to leave her son with the other kids. She saw Derek standing at the end of the hallway. He was reading over a paper. She wanted to go down and see him. She wanted to give him a kiss good morning like they did so long ago. Instead she turned on her heel and walked towards the locker room. Just another day.
"Hey." Izzie said happily as Meredith walked in.
"Hey." Meredith replied with a weak smile as she looked up.
"It still bothers you. To leave Liam." Izzie pointed out.
"Of course it does. He is my son." Meredith said with a frown. "I just- Never mind."
"I am going to get a kick-ass surgery today." Cristina said with a nod. "I just know it."
"That's good." Meredith muttered as she pulled her shirt on.
"What's your problem?" Cristina snapped as she looked at Meredith.
"Liam." Izzie said with a nod.
"Oh God... Just get over it." Cristina said as she rolled her eyes.
"He is my baby. I can't just get over it." Meredith said frankly as she rolled her eyes at her.
"So... Shepherd stayed in his office again." Alex said with a chuckle as he walked in.
"Again?" Izzie asked in shock. "Isn't that-"
"Third time this week." Alex said as he shook his head. "Man, you have problems."
"We're fine. Everything is fine." Meredith told him quickly. "And I have interns and rounds." She said as she walked out of the locker room.
Meredith looked down the hallway. Her interns were already flocked outside their locker room. They were waiting for her. She was fortunate. She really didn't get a bad group. Bailey did with her group. She, George, Izzie, Alex and Cristina were a bad group. Surgery hungry and whiny. Just as Miranda had always said.
"We have rounds." Meredith said with a smile as she walked up.
"Do you think I'm going to get in the OR today?" Katie Jennison asked as she looked up.
"If you are getting in the OR, then I am getting in the OR." Adam Martin said as he looked over at her.
"No one is getting in the OR. Not unless I say so." Meredith snapped as she looked back. "What the hell was I saying about good interns?" She muttered to herself
"Okay... What do we have here?" Meredith asked as she walked into the room of their first patient. "Dr. Sloan..." Meredith said with a nod.
"Dr. Shepherd." Mark said with a smile.
"Who wants to present?" Meredith asked her interns.
"I will!" Katie said as she stepped forward and grabbed the chart.
Meredith wanted to roll her eyes as she watched her intern. Katie was like Cristina. She was a know-it-all. She was a surgery monger. She wanted to be in the middle of everything. But she was good. She was an exceptional doctor who was completely focused on her work. Meredith had all the confidence in the world that she would succeed.
"Okay... Let's see..." Meredith said as she looked over at the patient in the bed. "Mr. Leonard is in for a the removal of a tumor in his temporal lobe." Meredith said as she read his chart. "Here you go, Dr. Crane." She said as she handed the chart to her intern.
Derek and Meredith's eyes locked as they stood there. Green met blue. He looked so tired. She hated seeing him this way. It seemed as if he had aged so much in the last seven months. The job was too much. But he never complained about it. He just went on, one day at a time.
As she looked into his eyes, they spoke. They spoke the inaudible language that they had always spoken with their eyes. She missed him so badly. Her heart ached for his strong arms around her. She ached for his soft touch. It had been so long since they had been intimate. Her body ached for his.
"Meredith..." Derek said softly as he followed behind her.
"Good morning." Meredith said with a light smile as she looked at him.
"Good morning." Derek said as he leaned in and kissed her softly.
"You didn't come home." Meredith muttered sadly.
"It was so late when I finally got done with the paperwork. And the roads were horrible." Derek explained.
"I'm glad you didn't drive in it. Liam was up all night. He hates the thunder, you know." She said softly.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there." He said as he kissed her again.
"You'll be home tonight?" She asked quickly.
"I will be home tonight." Derek said with a nod as he walked off.
"Go see your son!" She yelled after him. "He misses his dad." He told him. "And his mom misses his dad too..." She muttered softly.
Okay... This will be updated every other day! I have 28 chaps written, but I only get about 2 chapter a week written.