The disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Rangers characters has been mailed somewhere. I'm just crazy and bored with television. No other reason for this lunacy.
Zip Code Blues
"Evasive maneuvers!" Shane Gooseman shouted as he flew the starship through the laser blasts. "Looks like these jerks aren't going to let us deliver the packages in peace!"
"We're Galaxy Rangers! Since when is it our job to deliver the mail?" Doc snapped.
"Since the address is Station Ice Zebra K," Shane explained. "Earth's most remote military outpost and scientific research space station in the Frontier."
"Which explains why the Black Hole Gang is trying to kill us," Doc quipped. "There must be something in those mail bags they must want pretty bad."
"Knowing those scum suckers they're probably just fishing for anything to steal and hoping they get lucky," Shane growled. "Hang on!"
"I hate it when you say that," Doc gritted his teeth. "Because it usually means you do something craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyy!"
Shane did a hard pull and thrust it ninety degrees straight up then did a barrel roll backwards behind three of the ships that were firing on them. With a quickness that Robin Hood would envy he dispatched all three ships with three sharp shots.
"Got 'em!" Shane whooped.
"What my stomach?" Doc moaned. "Because I think it's on the floor somewhere. Hold on…More fighters coming in at twelve o'clock!"
"Funny I thought it was only ten thirty," Shane smirked.
"Oh har de har har," Doc gave him a look. "Hey! They're firing on the Black Hole Gang! And us!"
"So much for the cavalry arriving," Shane checked the communications controls. "Let's see if we can find out who our new friends are."
They were able to pick up the alien transmission. "This here is MacSween! And this is the turf of the Red Ryder Gang! Whoever you varmits are ya better get away from our claim! We're taking that Galaxy Ranger vessel!!"
"Listen MacSween! This is MaCross of the Black Hole Gang and this is our mark! So you'd better back off!"
"Never heard of ya! Every ship that flies through this sector belongs to us!"
"Well that's gonna change! Fire!"
"You wanna play rough do ya! Fine! We'll blast you and that Galaxy Ranger vessel out of the stars!" MacSween shouted.
"Not if we blast 'em first!" MaCross yelled.
"Over my dead cold body!" MacSween shouted.
"That can be arranged!" MaCross yelled.
"Oh goody, we're smack dab in the middle of an intergalactic gang war!" Doc said cheerfully. "What fun!"
"Hang on! I'm gonna lose them in that asteroid field up ahead!" Shane said as he flew the ship amid the chaos. Several ships from both gangs shot at each other.
"Good a nice peaceful asteroid field," Doc rolled his eyes. "That ought to make things nice and…AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Quit screaming, Doc," Shane said. "We missed that one asteroid by at least a couple of feet."
"It's not that asteroid I'm worried about," Doc moaned as he held on for dear life. "It's the twenty dozen others that's got me nervous!"
"Don't worry I know what I'm doing," Shane waved. "Hey what's that weird light up ahead?"
VRROOMMMM! The starship was sucked into it instantly.
"Now can we worry?" Doc moaned. "Where are we?"
All around the ship was a huge expansion filled with familiar objects that we unfamiliar sizes. "It looks like we're in a giant kitchen of some sort," Shane blinked.
"A giant kitchen," Doc looked out the window. "What? We died and ended up in Martha Stewart Heaven?"
"I've heard of this," Shane looked around. "Dimensional pocket rifts. Supposedly they're wormholes to another universe."
"Oh that explains why we are in a giant kitchen and there is a thirty story fly man in front of us," Doc blinked.
"Stupid Bugs!" The giant fly man raised a flyswatter. "SMASHING TIME!"
"GOOSE GET US OUT OF HERE!" Doc yelled. "HELP ME!"
"Calm down Doc, his aim is terrible," Shane scoffed. "And he's got pretty slow reflexes!"
"VERA! GET BUG SPRAY!" The fly man shouted.
"I never thought I'd say this but I miss the Black Hole Gang," Doc shut his eyes. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home…"
"I've got the coordinates for where we came in!" Shane told him. "Here we go!"
"There, here we are, back in our own dimension," Doc said happily.
"And we're also back into the asteroid belt," Shane grunted. "Hang on!"
"I hate it when you say thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" Doc yelled as they weaved through the asteroids. "WATCH OUT FOR THE ROCKS! WATCH OUT FOR THE ROCKS! AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT REALLY BIG ROCK!"
"That's not a rock, that's a comet," Shane waved. "WHOA! That was close!"
"I'm gonna die," Doc closed his eyes and whimpered. "I'm gonna die. And I'm so young and handsome…"
"One good thing is I think we lost both the Black Hole Gang and the Red Ryder Gang," Shane remarked. "Hey and there's the station up ahead!"
"Oh goody," Doc sighed. "Now this nightmare can end. I just hope whatever is in those packages was worth all the trouble we went through to get here."
"Really?" Shane asked. "I thought it was a nice quiet ride."
Soon they landed the ship inside the hanger. "I can't believe it…" Doc let out a breath. "After all that you didn't even crash the ship! Must be a first time for everything!"
"Just help me get the packages," Shane took the first bag of mail. Doc took the second and they went outside.
They were met by a silver humanoid android with a cheerful face. "Greetings Galaxy Rangers. I am Eight Zar Eight, research and protocol android. How may I be of assistance to you gentlemen?"
"I'm Galaxy Ranger Walter Hartford and this is Ranger Shane Gooseman," Doc took charge. "We're here to deliver the mail to the crew."
"Crew? What crew?" The android looked confused.
"The people who run this station," Shane raised an eyebrow. "We got mail for them."
"Oh that," the android waved. "That would be me. The humans who built this station were all transported to other bases months ago. This station is mostly self sufficient and can be run with minimal fuss."
"So there are no humans or aliens on this station at all?" Doc blinked. "Only you?"
"Well there's Petey here," Eight Zar Eight indicated a robot parrot that landed on his arm. "He is quite the conversationalist and companion."
"Awk! Awk! Booop!" Petey croaked.
"Oh ho ho! Petey you card!" Eight Zar Eight laughed.
"Then this mail we got you is what? Samples for research or something?" Shane asked.
"Oh my no! Nothing as exciting as all that," Eight Zar Eight opened up one of the bags. "Ah! This is where they send all those campaign fliers for elected officials. You know all the ones left over after the election."
"Re-Elect Senator Wheiner, the lesser of two evils," Doc read one of the pamphlets.
"Petey uses them to make a giant nest!" The android said cheerfully.
"You mean these are all campaign fliers?" Doc asked.
"Oh no…Wait, here it is! This is it!" The android took out a large catalog. "The Williams Sonoma cooking catalog! Giant edition!"
"Oh you like to cook?" Doc asked.
"No, there's a table over here that's a bit wobbly and I need something to stable it," The android put the catalog under the table. "Well that's that then. Thank you for your trouble Galaxy Rangers! I have to go make several random calculations and push a few dozen buttons now. Good day!" He left cheerfully.
"Some important mission this was," Shane grunted folding his arms. "Well at least we'll have an interesting story to tell huh Doc? Doc? Doc are you okay?"
"I am going to kill someone," Doc said simply. "Don't know who it is yet. But when I find out who the jerk responsible for all of this is, I will kill him!"
"I know Doc," Shane patted him on the back as they turned around back into the starship.
"Gonna kill him, Goose. He's gonna be dead."
"I know, Doc I know."
"Dead Goose. Really dead Goose."
"And I'll help you do it buddy."
"Thank you, my Gooseman. He's going to be dead you know? Very dead."
"I know, Doc. I know."
"Dead! Dead! Dead!"
"Yeah, I gathered that."
"Somebody gonna die!"
"It's gonna be a long ride home," Shane rolled his eyes.