Title: Touch Me Numbly

Rating: M, cuz I'm majorly kick ass

Author: darkalbino, illi, me (me, myself, and I)

Well. thanks to my oh so wonderful (fucking jerks) friends, who failed to return my story notebooks to me before the weekend, I cannot continue any of my other in progress stories right now.

so even though many, MANY, people are going to hate me for this, LET'S PUT UP A NEW ONE!

Summary: After Sasuke wakes up from a two week coma, one of the firsts things he manages to do is get a certain blonde boy to hate the hell out of him. More specifically, get rejected by him, which shocks the Uchiha, since "rejection" isn't even in his vocabulary, at least directed to him. But Sasuke sees this as a challenge, and aims to get the blonde into bed with him if it's the last thing he does. Meanwhile, the blonde, Naruto, is in desperate need of community service hours for school, or he can't graduate. Eventually, Naruto is offered one option to finish his hours for good.

Spend one week as Sasuke's "nurse", and of course, in need of the hours, he agrees, begrudgingly. And Sasuke couldn't think of a better way to benefit his plan.

But what will happen when the plan grows into something more? And how will Naruto react, when he realizes that he may not be as straight as he thought he was? Well, we'll just have to read and find out, won't we?

Warnings: see my name? when you see my name, you should automatically associate it with "hot boys fucking the hell out of each other and screaming dirty words while they're at it." so if that's not the first thing that came to your mind when you saw "darkalbino", then you need to get the hell up outta here.

Disclaimer: All I own are my hands and my seriously corrupted mind, and though these are deadly tools, sadly, they are not enough to get me rights over Naruto.


xxxTouch Me Numblyxxx

Chapter 1: A Meet

Coal eyes fluttered lightly. Their owner releasing a soft groan.

A sharp intake of breath, "Oh...oh my God...oh my God he's waking up! Sasuke's waking up!"

The boy, Sasuke, groaned again at the familiar voice. He forced his lids to part to slits, the utter white brightness of the room pressuring the backs of his eyes.

The woman next to him began bawling, "Thank God!" she screamed, "Oh thank God! Fugaku, get the doctor! He's awake!"

'Fugaku...' Sasuke pondered the name, remembering it to be his father's. And the frantic woman, "Mother.' he murmured quietly, voice dry and hoarse.

As footsteps began pounding away, long arms suddenly wrapped around him, tears soaking his neck.

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut before blinking them open with an owlish look. His mother was hugging the air out of his lungs. He coughed.

Behind Mikoto, a taller version of himself appeared and placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back slightly. "Mother, please, he just woke up. I'm sure he doesn't need you crushing him to death."

She seemed to hesitate, "Oh, yes...yes, you're right Itachi. I'm just so relieved!" she said with a bright smile before slowly backing away from her son.

Sasuke squinted at his brother, completely disoriented. His body felt stiff, and he tried to move his arm to rub at his eye, wincing when the action sent a sharp pain through his muscles.

The boy moaned and relaxed. He was lying on a bed, he realized, covered with plain, white sheets and guard rails on either side of him.

What the hell was going on?

A rhythmic beeping caught his attention, calling his gaze to a heart monitor that stood glowering over him. His brows knitted, eyes trailing the wire that ran under his clothes and stuck to his chest. He looked at the inside of his arm, finding a needle sitting comfortably pierced through the skin, allowing a clear fluid to flow in from an IV.

It didn't take much thought to figure out where he was.

Sasuke turned his attention to his brother and mother, "What the hell am I doing in a hospital?" he muttered.

"Healing, of course."

His gaze snapped to a busty blonde woman who pulled aside the flowered curtains that surrounded the small area they were in. She stepped inside, followed by his father. The white coat and stethoscope around her neck led Sasuke to believe that she must be the doctor, along with the clipboard cradled in her arm.

His eyes narrowed at her, "Healing from what?"

Fugaku answered him, "You were in a car accident, Sasuke."

Sasuke flinched, "A...car accident?"

"Yes, you were intoxicated. Along with your also delightfully drunk friends. Suigetsu and your cousin, Sai."

Itachi suddenly began chuckling, "Yet you were the only one who managed to land himself in a hospital bed, little brother."

Sasuke glowered at him. Now that was just fucking unfair, they both got away clean? Where the hell was the justice in that?

"How long have I been here?" he asked, not recalling any accident (probably because he was too damn drunk at the time to even remember he drank) or period of time in the hospital.

The doctor's pink lips curled into a smile, her eyes mocking, "You, my dear, have been here for two weeks."

Sasuke's eyes slowly grew in size, until they looked about ready to burst right out of their sockets, "Two weeks?" he said, incredulous, "That...that can't be, I don't remember coming here!"

"Of course you don't." she stated, a steady smile on her face, "Because up until now, you've been in a coma."

A COMA?! He's been lying here like a fucking vegetable for two straight weeks? How long has it been since he bathed? Oh dear Lord, did people come in and bathe him? How did he pee? DID he pee? Fucking shit, were people in here touching him? Oh...God, what if those damn girls from school had volunteered to come and "take care" of him?

What if--what if some huge Russian man-nurse named Gretchen had been coming in here and grabbing his junk?

Sasuke was on the verge of hyperventilating. He did NOT like not having control over situations, especially ones involving him, "When can I leave?" he asked quickly.

"Not for a while, another week at least."


The doctor's smile grew. She strode over to Sasuke's heart monitor, the beeping was erratic, "Relax." she said. "You're in no state to leave. Your surgery--"

"Surgery?" he broke in.

"Yes. You had a rather large piece of metal driven into your left leg, so we had to perform surgery to remove it. However, the anesthetic effects are still there, you can't walk."

What? Anesthetic? If he was in a goddamn coma, then why in the hell did they put him under anesthesia? Sasuke's upper body jerked as she reached down and flipped the covers to show the scar that now marred his leg.

Sasuke frowned, "Are you saying I'm...disabled?"

"You're a helpless crippled person for now, yes. But therapy will be set up once a day to help you up again, you'll be fine."

Sasuke let out a frustrated breath, "How do I..." he flushed slightly with a furrow of the brows, "you know...go."

She grinned. Why the hell was his suffering making this damn woman so happy? "You have a bedpan."

Ew. "No." he argued.

The doctor laughed, "Don't worry Uchiha, nurses will be in here at your call to help you with lavatory needs."


Mikoto stepped forward, "Sweetie, I would help you if I could but your father and I have only been excused from work until you woke up. And your brother has his midterm exams to worry about."

'Tch, like I want that bastard's help for anything. He would probably drop me. I don't need help.' He nodded, "It's fine mother, I'll...figure something out." he attempted to move his leg, as if to prove his words, and frowned at the fact that he found it numb, the movement only sending a light tingle through.

He groaned, glaring at the blonde doctor when she smacked his knee. He didn't feel a thing.

"Don't waste energy trying." she said, "Right now you're about as mobile as a legless, overweight cat. My name is Tsunade, and until you finish your therapy and are able to prance outta here on your own two feet." she smiled wickedly, "You're in my hands."


It was night now. The room was blanketed in darkness, save for the light that flooded under and around the curtains from the hallway.

Sasuke sat propped with his back against the pillows, glaring at nothing in front of him.

Actually, he was glaring at something. It was called life. Seriously, Sasuke had already considered life a bitch.

And then the damn bitch just had to go and have puppies. Because that's just what bitches do, they have more bitches. Bigger bitches. Until it's a never ending bitch chain.

His bitch rant was halted when the curtain suddenly pulled back, and a young man stepped in with a mop and a bucket of water mixed with soap, then let the curtain swish back into place.

He blinked and stared at the boy, watching him as he set the bucket down and dipped the mop inside.

The light peeking through the curtains offered an observation of the visitor. Sasuke noted that he had to be around the same age as he was, maybe a year or two younger. He had spiky blonde hair that was mussed and bright, tan skin that covered a perfectly toned body.

The blonde was wearing what looked like a school uniform. Blue slacks and an unbuttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up. A tie was draped over both his shoulders, and the parted dress shirt revealed a black undershirt beneath that clung and fitted his torso.

He was barefoot, lips moving along to a song that was booming from the iPod in his ears as his arms worked the mop side to side.

Sasuke didn't know who this boy was...or why he was mopping the floor.

But what he did know, was that he was attractive. Very attractive. And that's really all that mattered.

He bit back a laugh as the blonde suddenly leaned into the mop, singing to the stick end he held like it was a microphone, "And if your body matches what your eyes can do, you'll probably move right through me on my way to you!"

His eyes opened, and he froze when he locked gazes with Sasuke, who was sitting there grinning like a damn clown.

The boy blinked, "Uh..." he straightened up, plucking one bud out of his ear and letting it fall to flop once against his chest, "Sorry man, did I wake you?"

Sasuke chuckled, "I think your screeching woke the people in Canada."

He frowned, brows knitting, "Is that supposed to be some kind of bash on my singing?"

Sasuke crossed his arms with a smile, "Yeah, it is."

The blonde's jaw tightened, "Well please forgive me." he drawled sarcastically, "You've been laying there like a fatass for so long, not moving every time I came in and sang, I guess I mistook you for a deaf person. My bad."

Sasuke stiffened slightly. Every time he came? He tilted his head, "How long have you been coming here?"

He shrugged, still frowning, "Bout a week and a half."

"Hn." he found it a bit...pleasing that this boy had been coming for a while, "I've been in a coma for two weeks, I just woke up this afternoon. So I suppose I was deaf for a while, yes."

The blonde jerked and suddenly felt bad, "Oh, wow...that sucks. Well, I mean, that you were in a coma, not that you woke up."

Sasuke smiled slightly, scooting down a bit on the bed, "So, what's your name?"

The other grinned and rested his chin on the mop, "I'm Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki. You?"

Sasuke tipped his head back, staring down his nose at the boy, "Sasuke Uchiha. Why're you mopping floors?"

"Oh" Naruto laughed, glancing at the mop, "Community service hours for school. I don't have any and I'm a senior, which is pretty sad. They're required to graduate, so I really needed to get started on them."


Naruto stood straight and placed a hand on his hip, "'Hn'? What the hell kind of answer is that?"

Sasuke looked at him, "Alright...how many more hours do you need?"

"Honestly...about 180."

"Holy shit." tumbled out of Sasuke's mouth before he could stop it.

Naruto grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head, "Yeah...I was supposed to start in freshman year, but..." he shrugged.

Sasuke stared at him. The blonde was hot, really, and something evil bubbled up in his mind. He folded his hands behind his head, "A hundred and eighty, damn...that's gonna take a lot of work."

"God, I know."

Sasuke smirked, "Wouldn't it be great to cut that work in half?"

Naruto sighed, "That would be great."

"I mean, they're not gonna know if you really did all those hours, right? You just need someone to say that you did."

A blonde brow slowly rose, "Yeah, I just have to get something signed by the person who gave me the hours."

Sasuke snickered and raised a hand, curling a finger and beckoning to blonde to come to him.

Naruto hesitated before walking over with a crinkled forehead, dragging the mop along with him until he was beside the Uchiha.

Sasuke studied him for a moment, finding the blonde's eyes to be an incredible shade of blue, "What if I told you to do something for me, and I'll give you fifty hours for doing it?"

Those pretty eyes widened, "Fifty?"

"Yeah, fifty."

He didn't even hesitate, "Fuck yeah! What do you want me to do?"

A lazy smile slowly spread on Sasuke's face, contrasting Naruto's excited one. And one word spilled from his lips:


The word took a minute to sink in, and Naruto's smile fell, "What?"

Sasuke smirked. Maybe he couldn't walk, but other parts down there were definitely still functioning. His dick had twitched the moment the blonde had walked into the room. "You heard me." he said, "A blowjob."

Naruto stared at him, the darkness not allowing Sasuke to read the expression on his face, "You want me...to blow you...in exchange for fifty hours." he said, sounding like he was making sure that was the deal.

Sasuke smiled and nodded.

"Okay." Naruto murmured, and abruptly lifted the mop, wrapping his hand around the wet strings, "I have one thing to say to that."

He twisted them, soapy water cascading down and splashing onto Sasuke's lap, making him hiss and jump slightly, "What the fuck--"

"You're a fucking asshole!" Naruto yelled, and squeezed more water onto Sasuke's face, "You and your dick can go to hell!"

Sasuke sputtered and coughed, wiped a hand across his face as he watched Naruto turn with a huff and walk out of the room, muttering all kinds of obscenities as he did so.

Holy crap, Sasuke thought. Did Sasuke Uchiha, teenage sex god, walking orgasm, boner inducing, girls-cream-their-pants-over Sasuke fucking Uchiha just get...rejected?

He did. He got full blown, utterly, capital R Rejected.

What the fuck man? What the fuck was the was the world coming to when stupid, idiotic, moron, dumbass blonde boys who sang into mops went around rejecting Uchihas?

This...this was unheard of! This was the fucking Apocalypse! This...this was...

His lips fell apart as something occurred to him, leading them to spread into a slow smile.


was a challenge.

Yes...that's all it was...a challenge.

A challenge that Sauske had one week to win.


illi: omg! finished with chapter one! --celebrates-- I've been planning this story forever and wanting to put it up for so long! though, I really shouldn't be posting new stuff with all the other crap I have out, but I just couldn't resist!

sasuke: you...you bitch! you made me cripple!

illi: --rolls eyes and waves hand dismissively-- oh you'll be fine, calm your nipples.

naruto: I totally owned your ass sasuke!

sasuke: you don't own shit dobe, that's MY name stamped and tattooed on your ass. do you see a name on MY ass? no? didn't think so.

naruto: T.T

reviews please!

PS: about the song Naru was singing, it's called "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven, and I totally love it. Usually, in fics that I read anyway, when characters sing a song, the author makes it so it just so happens to be a perfect song that completely fits into the storyline and magically foreshadows what will happen in the future.

and i say, if you want a real story, that is complete bullshit, okay? Naruto wouldn't go around singing Avril Lavinge (seriously, someone did that once, wtf.)...maybe Sasuke would, MAYBE, cuz he's just...him (wtf am i saying? sasuke doesn't SING), but Naruto definitely wouldn't! and i think "Paralyzer" is a totally normal song that anyone, even boys, would sing just for the hell of it because it's a cool song, not because it has some special hidden meaning that will reveal the majestics of the storyline. No.

sorry for the rant, now you may review x)